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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a little bit pissed off that sil has decided that 2yo nephews party

84 replies

bogie · 09/11/2010 10:20

is being held on my birthday?

He was born just before christmas I was boorn on the 18th... Which falls on the saturday so she has told everyone that she has booked a hall and that dn will have a party in the church hall from 2-5... then we will all go back to her fucking tiny house for the rest of the night to have a party for the adults?, and then said oh to me "and you can invite a couple of your friends round for your birthday" ... now I am fine with the whole him having a party in the day but why is she insisting on having a party for the adults??? This means that Mil will have to be there.. Meaning me and Dp will not be able to do anything (was thinking a nice meal) in the evening because Mil would have come over to ours and put the dc's to bed.
I am a little bit pissed off me and DP go out twice a year, his birthday and mine and that is it. So aibu?

OP posts:
Rocketbird · 09/11/2010 11:13

My mother and my grandmother were born on my birthday (in the order :o) so I've never had a look in on birthdays, not since I went into double figures anyway. It's no big deal.

badfairy · 09/11/2010 11:21

Err...you are how old? Have your birthday treat on another day, as a Boxing Day baby I always have too and as a grown woman it really doesn't bother me. YABU.

Longstocking2 · 09/11/2010 11:33

why not just do your birthday another night? It is a shame that she's doing something in the evening but could you not just do it the week end before or the one after?

I feel for her that you think her house is too tiny to entertain in, presumably it's what they can afford?

Suda · 09/11/2010 11:37

Tell them you are fine with the day party and the DCs will be there etc - but you have got your own plans for your birthday thank you very much.

ChaoticAngel · 09/11/2010 11:40

Umm....the weekend after is christmas eve/day/boxing day, or maybe they should cancel that Hmm

WTF has an adult party for a two year old Shock

I agree with ZombiePlan when she says it's rude of sil/mil to expect you to cancel your birthday plans, especially after your mil had already agreed to baby sit for you.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 09/11/2010 11:59

WTF has an adult party for a two year old?

Lots of people. It's an excuse for a party - particularly apt being as it's in December so an opportunity to make mulled wine and dance to Slade. Nothing wrong with that at all - or should there be a list of Officially Valid Party Reasons for us to consult? Hmm

sapphireblue · 09/11/2010 12:06

As someone else who only goes out twice a year, I'd be pretty fucked off too.

Your MIL is being just as unreasonable as your SIl I think, although I can see why she wouldn't want to miss the party.

I've never heard of anyone deciding to have an adult's party for a 2yo's Birthday........did SIL do the same thing last year?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 09/11/2010 12:09

Seriously, most of my friends had children's parties that evolved into grown up parties as the day progressed, at least when the DCs were little. Am a bit suprised that it seems so unusual.

DP and I don't get out much either. But going out for dinner on a day other than my birthday wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

Suda · 09/11/2010 12:15

not a 'list of officially Valid Party Reasons' - just a consideration of a clash with another family occasion and a bit of consultation would do ! Making it a 'joint do' without consulting the other 'celebratee' and in the process pre-emptying any other plans they might have made - doesnt rectify that either IMO.

ChippingIn · 09/11/2010 12:18

YANBU

Your MIL agreed to babysit, your SIL knows it's your birthday (and not even DNs) and they arrange a party for DN & tell you that's what you are doing for your birthday??? I'd be pissed off too!

I don't get all this MN crap about adults not needing to celebrate their birthdays. I may not want to get 'old' but I want to celebrate having been here another year! I also like to do it on my birthday or what's the point? Doing it another night - is just going out for dinner.

Please find another babysitter and tell your MIL to stick it not worry about it, you have made other arrangements so that you can still go out as planned.

Suda · 09/11/2010 12:20

Well said CHIPPIN.

ChaoticAngel · 09/11/2010 12:37

Jenai, I'm not saying people shouldn't carry on partying but at least be honest and not make out it's for the 2 year old when it's for the adults. Then on top of that tell someone else what they're doing for their birthday. That's what would piss me off more than anything, been told that I was doing x for my birthday when I'd already planned y.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 09/11/2010 12:55

I feel I ought to mention that I have never danced to Slade.

At least not to my knowledge Grin

Fair enough though, Suda and Angel.

BigHairyGruffalo · 09/11/2010 12:55

YANBU!!!

theevildead2 · 09/11/2010 13:04

I dont think YABU,

Why does he need an evening party? And why is it assumed you'll go to it?

lorelilee · 09/11/2010 13:07

YANBU - I ALWAYS celebrate my birthday - just because you are getting older, doesn't mean to say you stop having fun! Also, my children's birthday parties always end up as adult parties (any excuse) but I wouldn't expect anyone else to cancel their own plans for it!

2rebecca · 09/11/2010 13:14

I agree MIL is unreasonable for not properly cancelling her arrangement to babysit for you on your birthday and apologising for doing so.
I find the adult party for a 2 year old odd, but do feel the main problem here is your lack of babysitters. I'm amazed how many women on mumsnet have a "parents or no-one" attitude to babysitting, but then our relatives didn't live near, we didn't intend to never go out so we made the effort to find and pay babysitters.
I'd try and find a different babysitter. If you can't and it has to be MIL or no-one then you're stuck with having your birthday meal on a different night, but I agree that birthday nights out that aren't on your birthday aren't the same. we still celebrate adults birthdays.
Agree your husband should have been more involved here with saying to his mum that he think her cancelling the babysitting on your birthday could have been handled better, as your birthday is always going to be the week before your nephew's.

Original poster
bogie · 09/11/2010 13:19

Can't really have a different babysitter 3 under 5's and dd2 still bf so I was going to do last feed at about 8ish then mil was going to bath and bed them all. Dd1 doesn't like being left with people she doesn't know and would spend the whole night crying, My brother is disabled and my mum can't leave him alone so Mil is the only person who could have done it.

OP posts:
curlymama · 09/11/2010 13:22

YABU. But so is your MIL, although I can see how she might have been put in a position that she didn't feel she could do much about.

But if they want to have a party for DN, and combine it with a get together with friends and family just before Christmas, I don't see why they shouldn't just because it's your birthday too.

You can have a nice birthday breakfast on the day to make the occasion with your dc's and go out another night. You are a grown up, so why all the fuss? Plenty of children celebrate their birthdays on a different day because of school or whatever, so I don't see why you can't.

FoundWanting · 09/11/2010 13:32

YANBU.

Speak to your MIL. Tell her how much you were looking forward to spending your birthday with your DH, her son.

If you are not going out until 8, it still gives her time to spend a few more hours with your DN before.

pinkjello · 09/11/2010 13:34

Why can't you do as I suggested and let the kids sleep at their cousins' for the night? Would SIL be happy to have them?

2rebecca, it is difficult to use someone when you have 3 under 5 (as I know) Even the nursery nurses from the kids' nursery aren't keen on such a charge. And DD2 would just scream if she woke up to someone other than DH or myself.
Oh and we have no family on either side other than a FIL who has no interest in his DGC. Sad So unfortunately we're a bit stuck and never get out.

2rebecca · 09/11/2010 13:41

I just have 2 but from an early age they got used to babysitters and generally enjoyed having them. Sometimes the sitter was there before they went to bed sometimes they weren't. From a time when they could be told what was going to happen they were told if there would be a babysitter.
They also sometimes had childminders so became used to the idea that people other than your family can look after you.
My parents moved away from their parents before we were born so we had paid sitters, or reciprocal sitters when young as well, and there are 3 of us.

SuchProspects · 09/11/2010 13:57

An alternative is to make up invites for your birthday party at your SILs and send them out to everyone you have ever known. Make it clear you expect them to bring lots of booze. Take an iPod with music that you like but SIL does not to plug into the stereo. Then party at your SILs until 4 or 5 in the morning, leaving it trashed.

Send her a very plain card after the event to say thank you and let her know you can't wait for the next one.

In future years you'll probably find you are not expected to celebrate your birthday at her house.

KateF · 09/11/2010 14:06

I think it's fine to celebrate your birthday as an adult but birthdays around Christmas are a pain. Mine is always in the last day or so of term and with three lots of school concerts, dance shows, carol services etc I have moved my birthday to January!

pinkjello · 09/11/2010 14:07

Oh I'm sure if we'd thought about it earlier it may have been different. I think my 3 are probably unecessarily intense with us because they don't have any family at all; never had a day with granny or outing with cousins. Sad

When DD2 gets to 2yrs then maybe we'll look at it again. Smile