to not put myself out for DH 's family?

[BlackBag]

He can't be arsed with their birthdays, Christmas presents and special get togethers so should I step up to the mark and do it all for him or just back away?

no, make him do it.

it's not your responsibilty to remember his family's birthdays.

I got myself into that trap with my ex, and I hated having to remind him every time one came up (especially because I can hardly remember my own !)

My DH has never sent a birthday card or Christmas card in his life - we have been together 20 years and I do it all for his family. I'm a teensy bit resentful that he can't be bothered but I think it would be rude not to acknowledge occasions at all.

It depends if you think a) they will think badly of you for it by association and b) whether you care if they do or not.

Depends if you like them/dont mind upsetting them really.

My Dh is very forgetful, never remembers birthdays or other occasions.

I've been part of his family though for 15 years and and have a great relationship with my in laws. I'll organise presents or remind DH to buy presents as I'd raather that than upset them.

God its annoying the way this stuff often atomatically falls to women. Why oh why? They think its not important but actually it is.

I'd say back away - I have ended up sorting out the entirety of DP's family for the last 6 or 7 christmasses and it's really really peeing me off now.

Nothing wrong with helping him choose if he asks but since you write that he can't be arsed with any of it I'd recommend you leave it.

Grrrrrr.....I don't know your DH but if you announced you couldn't be 'arsed' buying gifts for YOUR family would he even briefly consider doing it for you?

Rant over

I look after my family (which is much bigger anyway) and Dh looks after his (he's actually better at this sort of thing than me). My SIL used to get blamed for missed/late cards for our side of the family while my brother got off scott free, was just expected she should deal with it!

I used to do it for my DH but got fed up with it. Now it's up to him, so no YANBU in my opnion.

I do all my DH's (well most of the time) and so he therefore gets pressies off them at his b'day. BUT when it comes to mine they don't bother! Although, they give generously to our DCs and so I think that means we - as a family - have to give to them. Oh it is so difficult.

I don't do it, but make it clear to his family that he is responsible for their presents and cards. I'm not his mummy, and do think women who do this stuff for their husbands are mummying them.

Agree with Bibi that it would never occur to a bloke that he should send presents to his wife's family because she couldn't be bothered, so in an area when we want to be treated as men's equals it does seem very servile and unfeminist to do the jobs they just can't be bothered with because we are women.

What happened before you were together?

I will get a card for MIL or FIL if husband asks me to.

But I certainly don´t remind him of the dates.

If you have a brother, how would you feel to not get a b'day card - on the grounds that your SIL feels the same way?

I don't have a view one way or the other. WE divide them all up - we both have responsibilities f presents and cards for both sides of the family - and both sides are equally likely to suffer a late card as we are both likely to be unreliable.

Do you both woh? Card sending is often seen as one of those 'domestic' tasks that falls to a woman who is a sahm and home-front worker.

I have a brother, if he fails to get me a card I'd moan at him when I next spoke to him, but in a light hearted way as I know he loves me and we both tend to be a bit forgetful. I don't see it as his wife's job to get me cards and would rather not get a card than feel she had an extra job to do.
I really don't see this as "women's work" and find it sad that some women do. It really isn't the end of the world if someone doesn't get a birthday card.

I do it for my DH, I really don't mind, we do things for each other - in my mind that's what being married/partnership is about.

I get so uptight and annoyed and fucking irritated with the whole card/present thing. And it IS seen as a woman's job.

Ds is 16 weeks, and I am still just getting onto the last of the thank you cards. Not all have been sent. DH has not sent a single bloody one, and we have had fucking comments from his various relatives about how they have not arrived, and to 'tell Fizzy' that they are being waited upon. Dh says he thinks thank you cards are a crock of shit. Fine, but it is me who is getting it in the neck.

As with Xmas cards in the past.

As with flipping wedding invites. We currently have a situation where Dh's so-called 'best friend' is not speaking witb us, because they did not get a wedding invite.

1. I had never met them.
2. They had moved which neccessitated me ringing them to ask them their address so we could send them said invite.
3. They were going to be in Hong kong, so the wife said' don't bother sending, we cannot come'.
4. i took them at their word.

Wedding was half a decade ago, and the husband refuses to speak to us because of the 'snub'. It is, apparently, ALL my fault, because 'everyone knows' the wedding invitations are the responsibility of the bride.

And the thank you cards.

And the Xmas cards.

And the birthday cards.

It is really rather tiring. DH says he does not care, but that is fine... he is not in the line of sight.

PS... can you tell I am mad?

The only person I refuse to sort out prezzies/cards for is my DH's DB, as he never gets my DH anything for Birthdays/Christmas (not even a card most years) so I refuse to spend time on him.

I don't mind for the rest of his family as its only his folks and our Niece/Nephew and I kinda like buying cards and prezzies

DH does his family and I do mine. They're a pretty hands- off family, he usually calls his Dad and sisters on their birthdays but doesn't send anything.
None of his family send us anything, mind. Even DH rarely gets a birthday mention and the DDs don't get anything from them, even at christmas.

I've also ended up with the present/card responsibility. I'll do it for DH's family, because they are lovely and I consider them to be my family now too. However, this year, after 6 years of "responsibility", I have started refusing to do this for DH's friends and their kids because they rarely reciprocate, which in itself isn't that terrible (give, but don't expect to receive, and all that), but they are not particularly friendly to me and, in some cases, are downright uncivil so fuck 'em.

Thanks, I needed to get that off my chest.

But isn't "his" family your family too, as you're married?

My dh is loves his family but would never get round to presents/cards. I do it on behalf of both of us because they are lovely (much nicer than my family fi). I also make him ring his mum from time to time.

So - you don't have to do it, but you may choose to anyway.