to not put myself out for DH 's family?

[BlackBag]

He can't be arsed with their birthdays, Christmas presents and special get togethers so should I step up to the mark and do it all for him or just back away?

No, his family are his family. I only made vows to 1 person. I think if you choose to buy cards for all and sundry then that's up to you, but I know that if I didn't send cards to my relatives my husband wouldn't feel obliged to, or even know whether or not I'd sent them, and my family wouldn't expect him to.
I don't see that it is part of a woman's role to buy people cards and presents.
I hate buying cards and forget the birthdays of my own family who I've grown up with. I have no idea of the dates of my husband's relatives birthdays and feel it is completely up to him who he chooses to send cards and presents to and to send the cards and presents.
I don't see why your husband's family being "lovely" is a reason for the bloke to opt out of present buying.
We'll often discuss Christmas presents, but he's completely on his own with the birthday stuff, fathers day and mothers day.

If the woman is happy to do it - fine. It just shouldn't be expected.

The thing is that when you marry-does your husband give you a list of his relatives b/days?

YANBU - why should you if he doesn't bother? I really resent the fact that this is seen as the woman's job.

My mum always used to do this for my dad's family and even when I was little I used to question why. As I got older I swore I would never do it and I haven't. DH is rubbish at remembering birthdays and sending cards but that's his choice.

anonymosity - by your reasoning, OP's DH should send cards to her family! Bet that doesn't happen

My reasoning is simply that they are ALL family - not that anyone should be sending anyone cards...god knows there are plenty of horrors on my husband's "side" I chose to ignore, completely...

Do it with love or don't do it at all.

Thing is, they may not be your family but they certainly are your DCs' family (if yoiu have any). For that reason I always maek sure we remember their cousins, aunties, grandparents etc...

I make a suitable card and leave it on DH's desk with a post-it for him to write & post.

At Christmas (just reminded him yesterday) he sorts his family, i sort mine.
And i try and make it clear to them that's what happens - after memorably getting the blame for DH buying him Mum a man's gift set from Lush

He doesn't even remember the DC's birthdays let alone his family or mine. I do all mine and did so before I met him.

His family should be used to his level of crapness in this regard :)

I do my family/friends, DH does his. I send maybe 50 Xmas cards, he sends about 3 . But, he did lament recently that he's lost contact with old friends. "You have old friends you're still in touch with, don't you," he says... Er yes, that's because I make the effort and he doesn't!

the one and only massive argument I had with my MIL (who I generally love to pieces) was about this

she told me that remembering cards/presents for his family was the woman's responsibility and I was being mean if I wouldn't do it

which is odd, because she brought DH up to not think housework is only woman's work

min you, she did raise an eyebrow when I told her he did all his own ironing and on occasion he has beans on toast for his tea, but we had the measure of each by then

each other

Anyfucker - I have had similar heavy hints from my MIL. But that is not the only thing we disagree on - I quote,

"You young women just don't cook these days. Lucky for you [Mr Rhinestone] cooks for you."

For crapness levels, how about this? DP forgot his dad's birthday this year. So did everyone else. Oops.

DP also forgot it was his uncle's birthday until the day before. His mum brought a card round for him (unasked - she knows he's rubbish) and he was fretting about not having a proper present. I kept my mouth shut because it was nothing to do with me. No-one has handed me a list of all the birthdays and I refuse to take responsibility. Why should I?

I have a good relationship with my MIL and I wouldn't let her birthday get forgotten, but I won't take responsibility for it beyond 'What shall we get X for her birthday?'.

rhine...you are definitely blessed, and very lucky, to have "landed" her precious son

They may all be family but it still doesn't make it the woman's job.

AF - I am very lucky to have 'landed' my wonderful and gorgeous DH - just a shame I got her as a MIL!!!

Disclaimers: I can actually cook and MIL isn't tooooo bad!

my MIL is lovely really too

she has been extremely good to us over the years

Gah! Don't get me started about this subject...
(Oh you have? Then I shall dive right in!)

MIL is bonkers obsessed with sending cards to every sodding member of the extended family - even people she hasn't met but once, and really has no reason to contact. Bus she wants to, and it makes her happy so that's fine
Only she expects me to feel the same way, and can't understand why I won't send a christmas/birthday card to Great Uncle Nigel - who frankly is only memorable because he has wandering hands (what's that G.U.N. i've spilled some crumbs on my cleavage again ? )

So every year I get, for christmas, a calendar. With everyones birthdays, and wedding anniversaries (with years served) and random 'children who we've never met' birthdays all helpfully written on, on the relevant day. And it's not even a nice calendar - it's always scenes of bloody Devon. I live in Devon, I don't want a sodding calendar filled with pictures of Devon!

and relaaaaaax

mil once smacked my hand 'cos I forgot one of dh's family events.
i told her quite clearly that it was his job to remember his family.
she said nothing to him about it.

and, oh yes, the hand smack happened when he was out the room.

I had a different problem for years. DH is really great for remembering birthdays and loves buying presents (whereas I'm utterly shit and can in no way compete with his present-buying ability) and for years he would send cards and presents to his family without letting me sign the card first. He wouldn't even put my name on the card FFS . It made me look like an inconsiderate shit. Eventually I got him to remember and now each year I get handed a card on birthdays and Christmas to sign. I don't even send cards/presents to my own family, we just don't bother

I end up doing this for DH. I've realised lately that it's one more small item on the great heap of tasks which somehow have shifted onto me during 6 years of marriage and which will keep me weighed down just sufficiently that I'll never quite have the time or energy to reach my potential outside our homelife. Should probably take action.

umf, yes you should

it ain't never too late to shift back responsibility for the mundane (time-consuming!) stuff of life to your partner

what are you ? His admin assistant ?