Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to cry

18 replies

julybutterfly · 07/11/2010 23:02

DD was due a year ago, I lost her at 22 weeks.

SIL (who I hate with a passion so this could cloud my judgement) is due to give birth any day now. She's decided she wants to use my DD's name as her DD's middle name!

She says it's because she's always wanted my DD's name as a middle name.

Would I be unreasonable to tell her I don't want her to use my DD's name or is it one of those 'you don't own the name' threads?

OP posts:
mamalovesmojitos · 07/11/2010 23:05

YABU to want to cry. i know people always say 'you don't own the name' but i think your sil is being incredibly insensitive and a bit selfish. i'd certainly never do what she's doing.

you can tell her if you like, but i don't see how you can stop her.

so sorry for the loss of your daughter Sad

mamalovesmojitos · 07/11/2010 23:05

ahh YANBU YANBU YANBU to want to cry! sorry, typo Blush

LoopyLoops · 07/11/2010 23:05

not unreasonable at all imo, and if you ask her nicely, it would be very unreasonable for her to go ahead.
I couldn't deal with DTD1's name being used like that by family or friends (she was stillborn last year).

cory · 07/11/2010 23:05

In this case I think it is totally different and you should tell her. Sad

Iamcountingto3 · 07/11/2010 23:08

Does she know it was your dd's name? I'm assuming she does. In which case, YANBU - in that sort of situation she should absolutely have asked you how you felt about it rather than just telling you.

Especially given that it's close to your dd's birthday too.

So sorry for your loss Sad

LittleMissHissyFit · 07/11/2010 23:09

You know what, maybe you are being U, but who the eff cares?

You lost your little girl at 22 weeks, you are entitled to be U.

Tell her.

Say that tbh, as much as it may be meant as a tribute to your DD, you'd rather she didn't.

If it's your brother she is married to, then speak to your brother, or if it's DH brother, get him to talk to his sibling.

You may not be able to stop her, but if enough people know you have politely, calmly and respectfully asked her to pick another name from the billions that exist, then she'll be the one that looks U.

Hugs to you, so sorry for your loss.

scottishmummy · 07/11/2010 23:17

sorry about your berevement.in this case its raw and personal,so no she shoukd show more tact and not use name

you cannot expect strangers or randoms not to use,but sil should know better

you do not own the name,but is has resonance for you,she should be more tactful

PinkIceQueen · 07/11/2010 23:17

Sorry to hear of your loss and imo you are YAVDNBU.

thesecondcoming · 07/11/2010 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumcentreplus · 07/11/2010 23:27

Sorry for your loss..speak to her about it I know it feels like she's trying to get at you..but maybe she's not..[hopeful emo]

Timeforanap · 07/11/2010 23:27

So sorry to hear of your loss, YANBU to want to cry. :( Perhaps if you did cry instead of trying to be brave your SIL might get the message.

There are so many beautiful girls' names, we struggled to choose just two. She could easily find another name.

Original poster
julybutterfly · 07/11/2010 23:30

thesecondcoming that's what is bothering me.

I don't think it would affect me so much if me and DH's SIL were friends

I can't talk to her about it. I was prepared to forgive and forget (everyone and everything!) after I lost DD but she wasn't so I can't talk to her.

OP posts:
Magna · 07/11/2010 23:30

YANBU - so sorry for your loss.

Tori27 · 07/11/2010 23:32

YANBU. I had a twin sister who died and part of me wanted to use her name as my DD middle name but on reflection I thought it would not be fair on my parents. They may have liked the tribute or they may have been deeply upset to have the memory forced upon them everytime they saw their GD. I didn't even ask them as it would have put them in a tricky position.

Maybe she doesn't realise how raw the hurt still is - we all grieve differently. Tell her calmly and honestly how you feel. xx

thesecondcoming · 07/11/2010 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CazandBelle · 07/11/2010 23:44

YANBU I'm so sorry that you lost your beautiful girl. My DD was born sleeping in June. I dread the day I hear that someone else has named their daughter Anabelle. We named her at 20 weeks and she was that little person for 12 weeks before she died. I just couldn't deal at all with anyone close to me using her name.

Your SIL really should be more sensitive. People just don't understand how much hurt they can cause in the wake of our grief.

Love to you xxx

Asteria · 07/11/2010 23:44

YANBU - is there a history of animosity between the two of you prior to this? If so it slightly smacks of twisting the knife in your loss. I would make it very clear how you feel.

So sorry that you are having to go through this on top of coping with your loss xx

HalfTermHero · 07/11/2010 23:47

YANBU. I am very sorry for your loss

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread