The dinner bill dilema

[looblee]

Here's one for you...

We are off out for a meal with a big group of friends Saturday night with some BIG drinkers who like to buy the best wine! To set the scene we are frantically trying to save money for my year off work when the baby arrives but really want to go as it is a good friends birthday so should not be missed.

Last time we went out with one of the couples attending they almost insisted on splitting the dinner and drinks bill despite them having two bottles of wine to my husbands 4beers and my solitary coca cola. The term what goes around comes around never does with these two!

What i am getting at is there an etiquette to politely suggesting that splitting the bill equally when we go out isn't fair for me, 9months+ of not drinking and desperately trying to save all adds up!

Or?. are we just going to look like moaning tight wads putting a dampner on the evening!

In these circumstances there is nothing wrong with chucking in your contribution as long as you are absolutely sure that you have all the sundries- hence my suggestion of putting in more than enough to cover everything and not ask for change.

I really cannot understand why anyone would object to this approach if it has been specified beforehand that this is your intention.

It is a balance - no one should be quibbling over who had dessert or one or two bottles of house wine between a group of 4 but seriously paying an extra £60 to susidise someone else is a bit much. And frankly if your friends are too rude to pick up on this I probably wouldn't bother ghoing out.

The problem with accepting one big bill and then separating off the drinks is that then you have that awful few minutes where someone has to do all the calculating. And shout out 'you owe this much' and 'so and so owes this much' and on it goes. It's just crass imo. Especially at posh restaurants.

But in most mediocre restaurants, unless one a few people are drinking expensive wine and ordering three courses while others are only having one course and soft drinks, it really doesn't work out to that much difference. Split over so many people you would have to be eating next to nothing and drinking only one soft drink for it to mean you end up paying more than £ 5 - 10 over what you consumed.

I'd rather pay the money and not have those horrible few moments, which is why if you feel that strongly about it, it's got to be easiest to just get a separate bill.

That way other people can order what they want without feeling guilty or having to discuss how much the non drinker should be let off paying.

Difficult one this but speak to them before the meal starts, if they are good friends they will understand.

Another idea is to have a whip for the drinks, say £15 a couple when that runs out dont put in again and say you have reached your limit and wont be drinking anymore.

I had this last christmas. Meal out with my antenatal group friends (from DD1). I was 6 months pregnant with DD2 so stuck to water all night. The other 5 started the meal with a bottle of champagne then moved on to cocktails. Then the bill comes and the bossiest member of the group (don't like her, no idea why we're friends) whips out her little calculator and splits the total cost 6 ways. I was absolutely because my share was 3 times more than my food and tap water had cost!

I spoke up and pointed out that I had only drunk tap water......she wasn't happy but luckily the others stuck up for me!

Probably best to have a chat about it before you go. Just explain that you are trying to be careful with money in the run up to christmas and can only afford to pay for what you consume.

I did also suggest the birthday girl/host grabbing the bill, and lopping the drinks off before splitting it. So it is pretty low key, no separate bills etc. That works best if there are a couple or more non-drinkers.

But - if your DH is drinking, then it is more difficult. If you are the only non-drinker, the I'd say (as host) either don't contribute to the tip or lop the 'odd' on the bill off yours - so instead off £22 each, say £25 each and you pay £20... if you get the idea. Because it is is just you and DH has been drinking, one half of another couple might not have had starter, or only 1 gin, not wine etc etc....!

But that really is for the host to say, why not have a word with her first?

Or if you are really worried about the money, just go for drinks at the table and run your own separate bill?

Ugh, I always had this dilemma at university. My mates drank LOADS and I couldn't drink (health reasons), plus I was veggie. I used to really resent subbing my (lovely) extravagant boozing carnivorous mates by at least double the cost of my actual meal, and it pissed me off that it never occurred to them that it was unfair!

I think you're going to have to say something before you go. It's cringey though isn't it?

If your DH is drinking then I really don't think you can try and keep yours separate. Aren't you paying jointly - seems odd to me that you would split your own bill like that!

The thing is, if another couple have cheaper food but drink, and then you and your DH have more expensive food and he drinks then there really isn't going to be that much difference is there?

If you went out every week and were paying more than your share regularly then it would be different, but as a one off I would just suck it up. There will be times in the future when you will be getting the better end of the deal.

When pregnant, I always still split the bill even though I wasn't drinking - as eating out is a social occasion, and in this case, it's a birthday meal - consider it a birthday present to the birthday girl, as if there is any short fall when the money is put together, it's always the host who ends up forking out the extra.

Order a pudding. And a coffee. And a side salad. You're bill will end up being about the same. Or say you can't afford it and don't go.

Pretty sure my friends wouldn't have a problem with me paying for only what id eaten/drank. I would mention it before hand, keep an eye on what everything costs add a bit extra and say theres my £xx. I'd be more concerned if asked to split a bill if i knew I had eaten/drank more than friends. Surley its common sense, they will know they have spent more and contribute accordingly?

Or do I just have really kind sensible friends :o

It's funny that it doesn't occur to those who spend the most that it's unfair (I wonder why).

My friends and I have started to work it out afterwards, so one person pays (and gets the tesco's points/air miles whatever on their cc) and then they send a text or e-mail saying how much is owed the next day.

I know this sounds very official but actually it saves wrangling over the bill for 20 min while drunk, and means that those who are a bit strapped and choose there meal accordingly don't sub the more indulgent and perhaps affluent. Doing this definately highlights the unfairness that splitting the bill would cause as some people pay more than double others.

i know exactly what you mean and i stopped going out with people who drunk loads whereas i would only want a glass of wine or a soft drink and then expect to split the bill.

we were not exactly flush and i did not want to spend so much on eating out. it is difficult.

YANBU, but... if it might cause offence to raise splitting the bill (i.e. your mates thinking you're accusing them of taking you for a ride), I think I would call organiser beforehand and say "We'd really love to come, but we're skint what with the baby, my mat leave coming up etc.", rather then emphasing that they drink, you don't it's not fair (even though it isn't!)

But if you have a separate bill or call attention to your need to save money for Christmas, etc., there's a chance someone else in the group will feel a bit aggrieved. Maybe so and so only had one glass of wine, or is equally in saving mode but wouldn't speak up in the same way. That might result in some uncomfortable moments.

It's one of those social nightmares that doesn't seem to have a decent solution.

Good point Jfly, I suppose you could end up with loads of separate bills to keep everyone pacified, and the restaurant probably wouldn't even do more than one.

It has got to be easiest just to split it.

I generally will split a bill equally, unless it's obvious that one or more members has spent significantly less. I'm a pregnant vegetarian, so I cost so little these days compared to everyone else.

Tbh, I don't understand why just paying for yourself is such a huge social faux pas. It's ridiculous. Apart from being the fairest way to do the money, it's the best way to shame the freeloaders into paying their fair share when they normally wouldn't dream of it.

This is why I lovE dining out in Canada, the waiter always asks if it's separate bills.

We used to go out with a group of friends every week and one girl would alWays just order a mains nd no drinks, but the she'd say ooh that looks nice (your starter) and try some of it, then have a glass of the communal wine. At the bill she'd only pay for her meal, often we'd be short and it would be people like me, a lower earner than her, that would put in extra.

I think people can just be so inconsiderate, I would definitely ask for 2 bills for the table, food and drinks. The waiter shouldn't have a problem and it's the easiest way to split fairly at the end.

Why not ask for a seperate bill from the waiter for you and dh? They will be fine with this and there will be no arguments then that you haven't paid your way.

I would be happier for someone to do this if they don't want to split the bill equally than to just pay for "their share" of the main bill.

went out once for a mums night out with other mums from school

my food and drink came to 16.50, and i ended up paying £26 plus a tip, to fund the gallons of wine drunk by a few of them. others also paid well over what they spent.

was well pissed off. the ones who benefitted were probably too well oiled to realise they had got away lightly for what they actually ate and drank

heavy drinkers should just expect to have to pay for that separately, no way should everythgin just be split equally

in the same way, if someone only ordered 2 courses, why should they subsidise the meals of those who had 3 courses

I think the big drinkers need to contribute more to the bill. Out of good manners they should offer to do so themselves, if they don't I think no one will think badly of you if you say "gosh thats quite expensive for a few beers and a coke would you mind if we just pay for our own drinks"

Agree with nacy. get your dh to put yout £50or whatever in the dish, and say ' we only had the one drink@. or something similar. END OF.

If people do this they are either tight or not real friends . probably both.
I like a drink. I would always offer to reduce someones split if they had only had a coke.
when my 6 colleagues go out for an anuual curry. we do. none of us would dream of doing otherwise.

It's much fairer, and more polite, for each person to pay for what they consumed.

when i said, drop in £50 cash, i menat to cover your % of the services and charges aswell.
how can anyone argue against that ?

To be honest, if they are picking very expensive wine and they are aware that you two are not drinking it, then they should be decent enough to volunteer to pay more in the first place!

You've said you can't afford but now you say your husband can afford ! That looks worse I think cos it's not that you can't afford it's that you don't want to split the bill.

blimey have read thread and then came across post by the OP saying her dh would be drinking , and he enjoys his drink
so you are only really quibbling about one persons drinks

bit petty to get het up aout imo