The dinner bill dilema

[looblee]

Here's one for you...

We are off out for a meal with a big group of friends Saturday night with some BIG drinkers who like to buy the best wine! To set the scene we are frantically trying to save money for my year off work when the baby arrives but really want to go as it is a good friends birthday so should not be missed.

Last time we went out with one of the couples attending they almost insisted on splitting the dinner and drinks bill despite them having two bottles of wine to my husbands 4beers and my solitary coca cola. The term what goes around comes around never does with these two!

What i am getting at is there an etiquette to politely suggesting that splitting the bill equally when we go out isn't fair for me, 9months+ of not drinking and desperately trying to save all adds up!

Or?. are we just going to look like moaning tight wads putting a dampner on the evening!

A friend had a big birthday meal, and asked me to help sorting out the bill. He said that one couple were known for not paying their share - they actually tried to slope off
and I had to ask them to pay before they left. He felt too embarrassed to do it.

I do hate the 'here's £50 and sort the rest out yourself' approach. It inevitably fails to take into account cover charges, service charges, shared plates, water etc.

I don't think you can go for a communal meal and be too picky about splitting the cost. If you really can't afford it, don't go. But the OP is saying she's got the money but would rather save some money for her mat leave - whihc is fair enough - but to quibble over a few pounds either way is not on, I think.

If you are in a group you accept some people will have vegetarian and some steak, so you might pay £5 more than 'your share' - but that is part of being sociable.

It's very rude to expect others to sub your drinking or dessert. There should be no problem saying something about the bill from the start. After all, if the big drinkers were being reasonable, they would have brought it up!

I am very sad that it has become so socially unacceptable to admit that one is on a budget.

I agree with Alfabetty. Having been pregnant twice, I've always insisted on contributing equally, because I may have had an extra something along the way - dessert or something - and it's really as much about the socials occasion as the food and drink you consumed.

I know it can be a pain in the neck, but I get just annoyed by the 'here's £50' brigade, who throw in a token, and then leave all the sundries to be covered by everyone else.

I think it does depend on how much 'extra' you end up paying if you don't want to/can't afford it. I don't think anyone's idea of a fun night out is creating worry and resentment in some of the party. As a not very big eater and very moderate drinker, I invariably pay more than my 'share' but as it's not very often and no more than a tenner, I really don't mind. I would, however, mind paying £30-40 'more' and, tbh, if it were the other way around, I wouldn't want a non-drinker to subsidise my drinking.

I'd probably chicken out of separate bills but would say to my friend before the day and mention casually at the beginning of the meal that I'm only spending x amount as I'm not drinking and am saving money for mat leave.

Alfabetter/5Dollarshake so in YO is it unacceptable to have ones own bill and let them split it between the other 15 people around the table I feel like I am being a pain but I know that with these lot the drinks bill will be 4xthe food bill!

I agree that to throw in whatever you think is acceptable is not on. I have spent far too much time debating this recently!

Asking for a separate bill for the pregnant one is the way forward.

Was going to wade in that you should always split the bill and its tight and embarrassing not to but can see your point. I would say in a firm and friendly tone at the outset lets split food but pay for our own drinks.

Sounds like they are drinking the "finest wines that money can buy" and everyone else is subsidising them.

Separate food and drinks bill? Or let the 4 bon viveurs have their own separate bill?

its one thing splitting the bill and paying a bit extra for a friends dessert or starter...a completely different matter being expected to pay for someone elses expensive wine! Those of you saying this is reasonable are quite mad.

I think you might be seen as "difficult" if you ask for separate bill. Most of my friends would say "oh, you haven't had a drink, we'll all pay more" as they want to be fair. But in a very large group, it will be difficult. Likewise, the extra expense of splitting equally will be shared by many, so hopefully won't add up to doubling your bill.

I agree with PompeyDot, one bill for the wine, one for the food. Pregnant or not, it's just too cheeky to expect your friends to fund your drinking! :)

I am with alphabetty and others - i don't think there is a way to do this without appearing tight, especially as you have been happy splitting the bill in the past.

Just throwing in your calculation of the bill share is not on, imo. Like said, it always excludes tips and cover charges etc.

If you can't afford it don't go.

We always go for a separate food and drinks bill.... and the drivers and pregs usually get free drinks - mainly for putting up with the drinkers all evening!

GEt the bill, take off the drinks, split food equally and drinks among those who drank.

Just bloody tell them before you go. It's not hard. All this 'just don't go' stuff, are poor people not allowed out then?

I have friends who are single parents and on benefits, they need a night out more than most and so I always offer to pay for them, but obviously they don't want that, so we compromise, they pay for what they have. Everyone's happy AND had a lovely evening out and a much-needed laugh.

I can't believe people are suggesting she doesn't go rather than ask not to pay well over the odds to subsidise other people's drinks!
And putting in some money can include a tip and take account of shared dishes

I agree with Hully totally - having been in the position of piss-poor with other friends not (going back to college to re-train) and also having another friend who was always hard-up. Friends who want to see you will accommodate your hard-upness, not expect you to pay beyond what you can afford - and they will still want you to go because they are your friends.

If they think you're being tight or would rather you didn't upset their precious bill-split, then fuck 'em - they're not real friends.

When I go out with friends, we all add up what we've each had and pay that amount. It's never been an issue. It might be more polite or less hassle to divide the bill between the number of people but it's not fair if you end up with vegetarians, non-drinkers etc who've spent less that have to subsidise others.

I think it's wrong for you to have to pay for their drinks and would suggest you say something if you are feeling brave. However I never say anything, the bill is always split equally and on the odd time where someone does question the bill it just causes bad feeling. My sister-in-law still talks about the time a family member moaned about paying equal share of a food bill when she hadn't had a starter....and this was ten years ago!!

Most of my friends would not let a pregnant woman pay the same for drinks as everyone else, but when I was pregnant my family were happy to let me pay £300 (I was paying for my husband too) for a dinner which included a magnum of champagne, top notch red and brandies at the end. Granted, it was a special occasion for my parents but SOMEONE should have said 'Cornflower shouldn't pay the same as everyone else, because she has drunk Coke all night'. You know what, I would have insisted on splitting evenly, because it was a special occasion, but the fact that no-one had the decency to even attempt to try to be fair about it rankles still. Mind, you they were all probably far too pissed on very expensive booze to notice

Sorry for the hijack, OP but I think you need to ask the organizer at the beginning of the dinner to ask the restauarant to split out the drinks bill. Make it a fait accompli - 'of course, we will be splitting out the drinks because I am not drinking'

I think if your husband plans to drink then I think you should join in and just split the bill equally.

I don't drink, and neither does my husband, and we often face this problem when we go out. One or two people will usually drink a bit, but I've noticed that most people tend not to go mad when out for dinner. If you are buying soft drinks they tend to be fairly pricey anyway.

I try to look on it as the price of a decent night out, not as the price of what I've consumed. If you'll enjoy the company, the food and the night out, then just split it.

"If you'll enjoy the company, the food and the night out, then just split it."

I thought part of the point of this objection is the not enjoying the company and food and wine (or not all of it).