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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH can't base his descision on the snip on the gender of this baby??

71 replies

TotorosOcarina · 04/11/2010 19:54

We have 2 sons and a daughter, I am pregnant with my 4th.

All along he has said he would love to have another girl so DD has a sister.

All along I've said its a boy.

At my scan today the sonographer said she thinks its a boy, but couldn't be sure.

Im sure it is!

DH is now saying he doesn't want to get the snip if it is a boy because he wants another girl!

I have been talking to him for months about this and he finally seemed to acept we have to do this. but now hes back tracked.

OP posts:
PlentyOfPockets · 04/11/2010 20:01

YANB at all U! What if this one is a boy and you agree to have another and that is another boy? Where does it stop?

Squitten · 04/11/2010 20:05

Well, have you made it very clear that even if he doesn't he won't be getting another baby?

pjmama · 04/11/2010 20:07

Do you think he may be using it as an excuse because he just doesn't want to have the op?

You need to have a full and frank discussion and if you're not willing to have another child after this one, regardless of the sex then he's going to have to accept that. You can't force him to have surgery though if he really doesn't want it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/11/2010 20:09

Well, for the practicalities it's snip or no sex. Simple.

For the fact that he doesn't seem to think you have any say in how many children you give birth to - that's a little trickier ...

SirBoobAlot · 04/11/2010 20:09

Wow... Just wow...

Original poster
TotorosOcarina · 04/11/2010 20:13

I don't think hes being as neanderthol as 'you will have another to try for a daughter'

Hes just saying that hes not ready for it to be as final as that as he would like DD to have a sister.

I would like DD to have a sister, but fact is, this is most likely a boy and unless our numbers come up on the lottery its highly unlikely we will ever be in the position to ahve baby number 5.

I don't think hes keen on having it one full stop and this is just a way of him putting it off.

OP posts:
reallytired · 04/11/2010 20:13

If he doesn't want the snip then respect him.
sterilisation is a big thing and both partners have to want it.

Why don't you go for the mirena coil. It is almost as reliable as sterilisation and if there is any kind of "maybe" that either of you want more children then it can easily be ataken out.

No one should be bullied into sterilisation.

TattyDevine · 04/11/2010 20:14

He might not mean with the OP. He might have a mistress... Wink

hairytriangle · 04/11/2010 20:15

Yabu. Entirely his decision. Get sterilised if you are adamant.

Original poster
TotorosOcarina · 04/11/2010 20:16

I don't want to be bullied into the coil ether.

I can't take hormonal contraception and TBH i've been through 3 pregnancies and births... soon to be 4. I think I've gone through enough pain and discomfort for him to have his gorgeos kids.

I'd appreciate him having a day-op if WE BOTH come to the descision that we need something final.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotorosOcarina · 04/11/2010 20:17

And its not like hes said he wont have it.

He said he would.

but now he is saying hes not sure he wants to yet as he might like another, but I don't think I do.

OP posts:
Georgimama · 04/11/2010 20:19

I think that if you have been talking him into sterlisation for months then actually he has never wanted to have the snip. Get sterilised yourself.

MumNWLondon · 04/11/2010 20:20

I feel very strongly that no man should be pushed into having the snip. My DH has made it clear he would never ever agree to having one and I respect that.

Georgimama · 04/11/2010 20:22

I think I've gone through enough pain and discomfort for him to have his gorgeos kids

That is a really objectionable attitude. They aren't his children - they are your children, together. You're not his surrogate, you're their mother.

EricNorthmansMistress · 04/11/2010 20:24

I think you should decide whether you would be open to more children, and if not, make that clear to him. Sterilisation is a big thing but if a man has four DCs and his partner wants no more it's the sensible option. If he's happy to rely on condoms until the menopause then he shouldn't be forced into it, I guess.

EricNorthmansMistress · 04/11/2010 20:26

Hang on, I do think OP has a fair point - the entirety of discomfort and body messing with involved in having children rests on the woman. Hormonal contraception is not for everyone, I wouldn't do it again, so it is fair for the man to take his turn at being messed with!

TheEvilDead2 · 04/11/2010 20:26

She didn't say she wasn't Georgina. She is correct that she has done all the hard work for him to have children that doesn't mean she didn't also benefit.

Just it his turn to do something for their family planning.

littleducks · 04/11/2010 20:27

I understand yourfrustration but I don't think you should force him to be strilised if for whatever reason he isn't sure he feels his family is complete

That doesn't mean you ever have to have another if you don't want to

mamatomany · 04/11/2010 20:27

Never say never, wait until baby number 4 goes to school then see how you feel, our position had changed dramatically for the better by the time my "baby" left the nest and I wanted another too.

FlameGrilledMama · 04/11/2010 20:29

OP yes you have the right to not force him into having a vasectomy but he cannot force you to have more children, use hormonal contraceptives or be sterilised (which if my partner would not be sterilised after I have fucked with my body for years and taken the risks of contraception) I sure as hell would not.

If you decide no more children then use condoms.

thisisyesterday · 04/11/2010 20:30

i totally agree with the others that if he doesn't want a vasectomy that is HIS choice

if you don't want a coil then use condoms

get sterilised yourself?

Georgimama · 04/11/2010 20:30

I don't consider pregnancy and labour to be the hard work in having a child, that came afterwards and my husband shares that with me.

It's quite clear the OP's husband never wanted to have the snip and he shouldn't be pressurised into doing so.

redflag · 04/11/2010 20:34

YABU, swap husbands with me! Mine doesn't want any more and is insisting on the snip. I would have as many as i could!

Go on swap!Grin

Firawla · 04/11/2010 20:34

he does not want to do this so he should not be forced or pressured into it. if it was the other way round a man telling his wife she is unreasonable and needs to go to be sterilised i think people would be quite shocked, it is not acceptable to try and pressure men into this any more than it would be for a woman. if he has any doubt he shouldnt have it done, yabu to push him at all
as someone else said if you are that bothered go and get yourself sterilised then, but as for your dh its not your choice to make whether he does or doesnt

ChaoticAngel · 04/11/2010 20:36

It depends on the pregnancy and labour.

I do agree that the op can't force him to have a vasectomy though. Tell him if he won't have a vasectomy then his options are condoms or celebacy.