Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH can't base his descision on the snip on the gender of this baby??

71 replies

TotorosOcarina · 04/11/2010 19:54

We have 2 sons and a daughter, I am pregnant with my 4th.

All along he has said he would love to have another girl so DD has a sister.

All along I've said its a boy.

At my scan today the sonographer said she thinks its a boy, but couldn't be sure.

Im sure it is!

DH is now saying he doesn't want to get the snip if it is a boy because he wants another girl!

I have been talking to him for months about this and he finally seemed to acept we have to do this. but now hes back tracked.

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 04/11/2010 20:53

Pregnancy and labour is hard work compared to....having an orgasm, which is the man's entire role in gestating a baby. Very smug to barf on about the bit after being the hard work as if you didn't understand my point geogimama - I'm sure you did! Did you also say 'we're pregnant' too?

I don't think it's anti-fathers or inaccurate to say that pregnancy if hard on a woman, as is birth, poses huge risks to physical and mental health, and leaves a woman's body often irreversibly changed or damaged. It's not unreasonable that the OP should feel that her body has done its bit.

Georgimama · 04/11/2010 21:19

Er, no I didn't say "we're pregnant". Why would I? And pregnancy is not always hard on a woman, nor fraught with mental and physical dangers. The majority of women in the UK have straight forward pregnancies and labours.

I don't see what is "smug" about not thinking it pleasant to view the relationship between a husband and wife and the conception of their children in terms more suited to a brood mare and sire.

The OP might well think her body has done its bit but she can't coerce him into a vasectomy he clearly doesn't want (and she should be aware that they can fail anyway).

PhishFoodAddiction · 04/11/2010 21:41

I don't think YABU.

I agree that after going through 4 pregnancies, soon to be four births, and goodness knows how many years of taking the pill or whatnot, then you'd like your DH to take some responsibility for your family planning.

Obviously he can't be pushed into having the snip, but also he can't try and coerce you to have number 5 if this baby is a boy.

Does your DH realize he'll have to wear condoms right until you reach menopause? Either that or no sex!

TheEvilDead2 · 05/11/2010 08:41

Those of you saying she should be sterilized realize what a procedure that is a for a woman? Real surgery. And how many lasting bad problems that can lead to?

He would be in an out of hospital in no time.

OP obviously you can't drag him down to the clinic but you have said you can't take hormonal contraceptives. So tell him calmly that all sex will be with a condom from now on, and do it properly. Start to finish. That should get boring after a while. Also let him know that you won't be having any more children so if the condom brakes tell him you'd have to have an abortion. Would he be happy about that? (even if you wouldn't have one give him something to think about)

GibBOOM · 05/11/2010 08:51

Imagine if a man was outraged that his wife had decided not to get sterilised.

'I have been talking to him for months about this and he finally seemed to acept we have to do this. but now hes back tracked.'

So it took months and months of you telling him he had to do it and you are surprised he has changed his mind? Hmm

It's a big deal for both of you. Respect that at least.

YABU

FlameGrilledMama · 05/11/2010 09:06

Even a straight forward pg and birth with virtually no problems is a hell of a lot harder than a simple vasectomy. Even female sterilisation is harder than a simple vasectomy.

Fernie3 · 05/11/2010 09:12

I think yabu.
He isn't saying he is going to force you to have another child, he isn't saying he doesn't want a son he is saying he is not ready to say " no more". It is totally different to you having a baby as I'm assuming he didn't spend months convincing you that it was something that " needed" to be done.

tyler80 · 05/11/2010 09:14

I hope the message given out to youngsters is different to the one being said here ie. sex with a condom is boring or having to use a condom is some sort of punishment

TheEvilDead2 · 05/11/2010 09:21

No we lie to teenagers Tyler80.

That's how it works. You can't pretend it is just good. I know my DH would disagree with you!

TheEvilDead2 · 05/11/2010 09:21

*just as good

tyler80 · 05/11/2010 09:27

I'm not saying there is no difference (although from my female perspective there isn't) but it's definitely not boring and it's not a punishment.

GibBOOM · 05/11/2010 09:34

'You can't pretend it is just good'

growing up using condoms means it would feel as good as you would know no different.

Personally could not gie a shit if a man thought it wsn't as good Hmm

safety first.

Serendippy · 05/11/2010 09:48

YABU to not respect that having the snip is a huge decision and he does not want to commit to no future children.

HeIBU to demand that you keep going til you get a girl.

Solutions: Female steralisation (I know it is a much bigger deal than the snip but if you are adament about not wanting more children, you have to use your body to make it happen, not demand that your partner changes his) or condoms (yes, more hassle and not as much fun, if it were we would all use them for ever and ever)

fatlazymummy · 05/11/2010 09:48

I had female sterilisation done as keyhole surgery, as a day patient. I didn't experience any pain or problems at all. As far as I was concerned the only potential drawback was the small failure rate [I'm not sure what this is comparative to failure rates for vasectomy].If the OP is sure she doesn't want any more children perhaps she could consider this?

FlameGrilledMama · 05/11/2010 09:51

We use condoms I hate it no where near as nice plus there is the interuption to put it on and DP is very happy to have the snip, he hates condoms to.

It just seems to me that most men want to have their cake and eat it. They don't want sex with condoms they dont want the snip. No they want us women to make all the sacrifices but if we say no sex (because in some cases pg could risk a womans life and condoms are not very effective at preventing pg)that is emotional blackmail.

FlameGrilledMama · 05/11/2010 09:52

No female sterilisation comes with a huge ectopic risk and is no where near as effective as a vasectomy.

pottonista · 05/11/2010 10:03

Getting the snip is pretty permanent, and men can get very funny about the idea of 'firing blanks'. So he might well be wavering and looking for ways out. I think it would be a bit mean to insist.

bUT He would BVU to insist you just keep popping out babies till you get another girl. If you can't take hormone-based contraceptives then why not get the coil? I can't stand the Pill etc either so got one installed. It's a bit uncomfortable to have fitted (OK, I needed a double brandy afterwards), but an order of magnitude less of a PITA than either condoms (which take all the fun out of fooling around IMO) and worrying for a week every month.

(Possibly TMI, but after I had mine fitted I couldn't stop thinking about that John Smiths Bitter advert about the beer can with a special widget, and wandered around for days singing 'Widget, she's got a widget, a lovely widget, a widget she has got...' etc)

badfairy · 05/11/2010 10:06

Luckily I never had to insist DH had the snip after our second son as he offered but I think I would have been a bit miffed if after 25 years of taking oral contraception he wasn't prepared to do his bit. However, it's got to be his decision as it's his body after all.

bumpybecky · 05/11/2010 10:10

suggest you leave it until about 2 weeks after the birth of #4, when the lack of sleep really starts to hit. I bet by then he won't care what sex dc#4 is, it'll be off to the clinic!

diddl · 05/11/2010 10:18

Well, women have the babies for both of you & tbh I don´tt think it´s unreasonable for a man to have a vasectomy for both of you.

TheEvilDead2 · 05/11/2010 11:43

one more thing, everyone keeps saying it is his body his choice. And of course it is, but what he does with it carries a significant risk to her body.

I don't understand the Hmm GibBOOM at some point most couples STOP using condoms, so you would know. Obviously. I do give a shit if my husband finds sex just as good which is why until my pregnancy I used oral bc. For me it made sense and regulated my periods. Win/win.

If it didn't I'd expect him to use a condom or get the snip.

I am not a guy but even I can imagine putting a rubber coating over your cock won't be very nice which is why I said she should make sure he does it from start to finish. Might make him rethink things

diddl · 05/11/2010 11:50

Well it is his body, his choice, but where was my choice when we decided to have children?

I do think a lot of men "wimp" out because the woman can also be sterilised.

I got to a point where I said OK-your turn now, and tbh if my husband had been scared to have a vasectomy I wouldn´t have felt much respect for him.

GibBOOM · 05/11/2010 12:08

Why would most couples STOP using condoms?

To make it more enjoyable for the man? (have another Hmm)

Plenty of couples use condoms.

tyler80 · 05/11/2010 12:09

Diddl if you decided to have children together there was your choice.

I'm not quite sure about the references to "from start to finish" about condoms, what's the point in bothering with them at all if you're not using them properly?

But anyway, this is side tracking, his body his choice, if he's not sure he's not sure, as long as he accepts the consequences of those decisions he's not being unreasonable.

GibBOOM · 05/11/2010 12:10

Hate, hate, hate this 'I don't like using condoms' bollocks some men come out with.

Really?

I don't like pumping my body full of chemicals 3 weeks out of every 4 thank you very much.

Swipe left for the next trending thread