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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH can't base his descision on the snip on the gender of this baby??

71 replies

TotorosOcarina · 04/11/2010 19:54

We have 2 sons and a daughter, I am pregnant with my 4th.

All along he has said he would love to have another girl so DD has a sister.

All along I've said its a boy.

At my scan today the sonographer said she thinks its a boy, but couldn't be sure.

Im sure it is!

DH is now saying he doesn't want to get the snip if it is a boy because he wants another girl!

I have been talking to him for months about this and he finally seemed to acept we have to do this. but now hes back tracked.

OP posts:

TheEvilDead2 · 05/11/2010 12:13

Yes most do.

Whats wrong with making it more enjoyable for the guy? I get off on him enjoying it. Not all men can orgasm wearing a condom. That would put me right off.

Again in the safety of a monogmous couple not one night stand.

Use within marriage. An estimated 44 million married couples use condoms for family planning (see Table 1). These 44 million make up about 4% of all couples in which the wife is of reproductive age, and about 7% of married couples who are using some method of family planning. This estimate is based largely on surveys of women of reproductive age.Worldwide, condoms rank near the bottom among contraceptive methods used by married couples. About as many couples rely on vasectomy. Only female barrier methods, spermicides, and injectables are used by fewer married couples (544). Japan is home to almost one-fifth of all married condom users worldwide. In Japan 46% of all couples, or 78% of all family planning users, rely on condoms (544.

info.k4health.org/pr/h9/h9chap1_1.shtml

TheEvilDead2 · 05/11/2010 12:14

Who are you arguing with gibroom? I said I used oral bc because it worked for me, if it didn't I would insist he wore a condom or had the snip.. anyway,.

nannynobnobs · 05/11/2010 12:14

My twopennorth... A friend of mine was told by the sonographer "You are having a boy. I'm not allowed to say that officially, but in my opinion, you ARE 100% having a boy".
Guess what she had...

GibBOOM · 05/11/2010 12:15

Not all men can orgasm wearing a condom

Is that what they told you?

Not quite sure why the need to google some stats to back up your point? Your opinion is good enough you know

TheEvilDead2 · 05/11/2010 12:15

Im saying start to finish, because many people don't use them that way. Of course they should be used that way.

TheEvilDead2 · 05/11/2010 12:17

No, its the kind of thing Dh wouldn't say probably out of some sort of man pride thing. It was something I sort of noticed.

After a while I got sorted it out.

SumfingNew · 05/11/2010 12:20

His body, his choice.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 05/11/2010 12:25

Of course if he doesn't want the snip that's his choice. But this whole "so my daughter can have a sister" crap is just that, it's crap. Does he think that girls only get along with girls, and having brothers 'won't be the same'? Because that's utter unreconstructed bollocks, and I couldn't respect a man who actually thought that. If it's a weak excuse because he doesn't want the snip, he should buckle up and say he doesn't want the snip.

Whatever's going on here, "I want my daughter to have a sibling of her own sex" is not actually it.

NinkyNonker · 05/11/2010 12:32

Surely the OP's point was that it seems like a really superficial reason to change his mind?

PlentyOfPockets · 05/11/2010 12:36

I'm a woman and I don't like condoms. They do feel different and to me, not very nice. They also have a pretty high failure rate compared with most other methods.

I'm going to temper what I said in my first post. I had initially read the OP as saying that DH was happy to have the snip unless it was another boy. Now, it looks like there's been quite a bit of persuading going on and he could be using this as an excuse because he never really wanted to in the first place. I agree with others that he shouldn't be pressurised into a decision like this.

However, it sounds like you (OP) need to have a frank discussion with him about whether your family is compete or not and what method of contraception would work best for you as a couple. If you both agree you don't want more kids, vasectomy would seem to be the most sensible option, but it's his body. Personally I'd be a bit if he didn't want this but was happy for you to be sterilised. I say this as somebody who has been sterilised myself. It's not a huge deal, it doesn't carry a massive risk of ectopic and its failure rate is low compared with other female non-hormonal methods. It does, though, generally involve a GA, is a lot more complicated than the snip and only 1/10 as effective.

Have you thought about the diaphragm at all? I got on with it very well when I used it.

fedupofnamechanging · 05/11/2010 12:39

The OPs DH wants another baby, the OP doesn't. He can't have one without her (well, he could if they split up, I suppose), so I don't understand why he would object to taking care of contraception by having a vasectomy. The OP doesn't say that he has any objection to vasectomies in principle. He is just hoping that she will change her mind. If the OP is 100% certain that she won't, then I really don't see why he would object to doing his share.

It's wrong that everything is always on the woman. They are a couple and this should be shared. After 4 babies the woman has done her bit imo.

As a compromise though I'd agree to wait 2 or 3 years and if you are still certain that you don't want another baby, then he could agree to have a vasectomy.

Just as an aside, I think it is wrong to have a baby just because you want a specific gender. a baby should be wanted and valued in its own right. Imagine being the child growing up who wasn't the 'right' kind.

edam · 05/11/2010 12:41

Good grief. I'm amazed so many women seem to be arguing the very obvious fact that pregnancy and childbirth ? and sterilisation too - are all far harder on the woman than the man.

OP, YANBU. However, you do need to find out what's behind this. And then explain to dh that if he wants more children, he'll have to have them with someone else. Because you aren't going through pregnancy and childbirth again. Or having sex with him again until he takes you seriously.

PlentyOfPockets · 05/11/2010 12:41

Yes, I've come across men who can't orgasm while wearing a condom. It can be very frustrating for both parties.

phipps · 05/11/2010 12:43

I think YABU. How would you feel if he was forcing you to be sterilised.

DH didn't want any more children. I did. He got the snip.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 05/11/2010 12:45

Ninky, yes, of course, i just think it's not only a really pathetic excuse but a sexist one with its own problems.

PlentyOfPockets · 05/11/2010 12:46

phipps - how did that work? Did you have more children? Who with? How did DH take it?

tyler80 · 05/11/2010 12:50

I agree that pregnancy and childbirth can be hard on the body. I just don't see why that should mean that a man should do something to his body that if doesn't want to. I am not saying he shouldn't take responsibility for contraception, just that if shouldn't be obliged to have the snip just because his partner has gone through childbirth

phipps · 05/11/2010 12:56

PlentyOfPockets - No, I didn't have any more children as he has had the snip. I wanted more children with him, not just more children!

diddl · 05/11/2010 13:05

"Diddl if you decided to have children together there was your choice."

Well, not exactly.
We wanted children, but it had to be me!

When we didn´t want any more, it could be either of us.

I don´t think anyone is trying to force OPs husband to have a vasectomy, but if they decide no more children, I don´t see why it shouldn´t be him that shoulders it.

PlentyOfPockets · 05/11/2010 13:11

phipps - so in practice, it came to the same thing - you, as a couple, didn't have any more kids. Was it a point of principle to do it that way, or more of an eye to the future and "what if ..." type thing? That must be hard for you though, if you wanted more :(

phipps · 05/11/2010 13:43

No, we don't make decisions like that on principles. DH was adamant he wouldn't ever want more children and it was life threatening for me to do so. He felt I had been through enough having the children and a vasectomy is generally more minor than a sterilisation operation for the woman.

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