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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel threatened that DH was looking at porn online?!

71 replies

sonnyday · 03/11/2010 09:04

I know most men do do it and it's natural but I just really don't like the idea of him searching for and then getting turned on by another womans naked body, it would be unacceptable in real life right - and the woman is a real person... aibu?

OP posts:
BornAgainBokononist · 03/11/2010 09:09

Not all men do
My exh did, a lot and whenever I feel ready to get back into the dating game again it'll be a no no for me.
If it is a deal breaker for you talk to him.

SkeletonFlowers · 03/11/2010 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sarsaparilllla · 03/11/2010 09:19

Lol @ SkeletonFlowers, you've got it down to a tee there!

Does he know how you feel about it? Have you talked about it before? has he told he he didn't /wouldn't look at it?

SunnyDays06 · 03/11/2010 09:22

Look it's pre recorded stuff, it's not real! You need to worry if he does what my twunt ex did with other women: watch eachother LIVE over webcam both masturbating especially for eachother. Jesus I felt totally cheated on. Porn yes but that, noooo way!!

Hedgeblunder · 03/11/2010 09:23

I don't like it either but I don't know any bloke who doesn't :(

TheGrumpalo · 03/11/2010 09:30

I don't like the thought of my bf looking at it either Sad to me it does feel like cheating if it's a sneaky thing done behind your back. I want him to lust after me and no one else! I know that's probably being unreasonable as I don't have a problem with watching it together iukwim but sneaking off and fantasising about another woman on his own just makes me jealous!

I suppose how much it would bother me would depend on how good our own sex life was at the time. (Good spell/dry patch!) I have quite a high sex drive and if I though he was sneaking off to look at porn when he could be looking at me I'd be fuming!

EricNorthmansMistress · 03/11/2010 10:12

I want him to lust after me and no one else!

See, this is the problem. You can't be serious, surely? Who really expects their partners to only and exclusively find them attractive? That's just not how human beings are made. You can't police a person's fantasies and nor should you want to! The porn issue is separate from the masturbation issue - there are reasons to object to porn but is that what it's about - or would you mind DPs having a crafty wank whilst thinking about someone else? Or looking at a non porn image of another woman? Or a drawing? I seriously object to people minding that their partners masturbate - and I think it's daft to feel threatened by the idea that they find other women sexually appealing. If porn really bothers you for political reasons then you have the right to mention it - or if they are using porn to the exclusion of a sex life with you, or showing signs of addiction. If not - I think you should butt out and get over it. It doesn't mean they don't fancy you.

Tidey · 03/11/2010 10:17

Agree with ENM. If it's causing a problem between you, address it. If you just feel put out that he can possibly find anyone else in the world remotely attractive, I think you may be a tiny bit unreasonable.

quizling · 03/11/2010 10:20

YANBU to have a political objection to porn, but it is a bit silly to feel 'threatened'. He's not going to leave you for a porn star, is he? And he probably fantasises about random women anyway

Olifin · 03/11/2010 10:23

Great post Eric.

badfairy · 03/11/2010 10:23

If you feel threatened then you do and a 100 people telling you that its "normal" and "all men look at porn" isn't going to make you feel any better.

I don't think most men mean to hurt there partners though. I think they just see it as totally seperate from what the have in IRL.

I don't mind DH looking at porn or getting excited about the thought of other women. Probably because I feel the same about men. But I would be upset if it was instead of being with me or took over our sex life. I would also not be happy about him contacting people for cybersex or talking on sex chat lines but that's just me.

I think if you haven't done so already you need to talk to him about how it makes you feel but also perhaps ask yourself why it bothers you so much. Do you feel good about yourself? Do you trust your partner? Because often feelings of insecurity around things like porn can be a symptom of other stuff going on in your relationship

x

cumbria81 · 03/11/2010 10:27

Ok I am in the "it's normal" camp and genuniely don't have a problem with it, unless it is affecting your sex life and he'd rather jack off to some random woman online (which is really all they are) than have sex with you.

BibiBlocksberg · 03/11/2010 11:16

I'm with Eric on this issue. Not realistic to expect DP to lust after only me especially after 8 years together.

What does continually bother me though is the fact that DP has been known to get me confused with the women in the magazines/dvd's (not looks wise obv. :)) but in that he expects me to enjoy the same types of acts as the porn 'stars' and sound just as errrm happy about it for want of a better expression and thinks I'm a bit precious when I tell him that's not what I like in bed.

My favourite is telling him that it's a job like any other for the women (and men) in porn and that they are paid to look and sound as if they're in ecstasy the whole time. He doesn't like to think of it that way I can tell you! Grin

Oh, and hiding the darn magazines so they fall out at me from unexpected places when I'm cleaning. No matter how many times I tell him just to put him in his bedside drawer where I know to expect them no, they have to be hidden like bloomin easter eggs.

Oops, sorry for hi-jack, got carried away there.

BibiBlocksberg · 03/11/2010 11:17

put them in the bedside drawer 'not him' Blush

NormalityBites · 03/11/2010 11:18

Indeed, what Eric said. I wouldn't mind at all, just as he doesn't mind when I do the same Wink

BornAgainBokononist · 03/11/2010 11:19

I object for political reasons and don't want anything affiliated with the porn industry in my house.
Have you actually spoken to your dh?

Chil1234 · 03/11/2010 11:29

On the issue of 'reality'. Sweeping generalisation follows... men tend to go with pictorial/visual sexual titilation whereas women are often happier with the written word. I don't think men see the women in porn pictures as 'real' any more than women think Jilly Cooper's latest romantic hero is 'real'. If he starts sending her flowers however, be on your guard :)

jacksmomma · 03/11/2010 11:56

The way I look at it is everyone will find other people attractive and sometimes think about sex with that person ,porn is a way of living out a fantasy without cheating and I have it on good authority that men don't actually want a pornstar in real life and they never compare them to their wives , if it really hurts your feelings talk to your dh and see if he can limit it to when you are not around as chances are he won't stop

NordicPrincess · 03/11/2010 12:18

see i dont agree. I think that we have been brain washed into accepting that its just something men do. Its not accpetable for most people for him to wank while watching some girl in the same room, over the net or in a mag is no different and anyone who says it is is just kidding themselves. However thats my opinion!

dignified · 03/11/2010 12:34

Ive lived with someone who was into porn in a big way , and i dont like it , partly for moral reasons and also because i think people can become desentisized to it . Being expected to act out similar things or being ctitisized for not moaning and shreiking like porn stars do is a step too far for me.

5DollarShake · 03/11/2010 12:47

Officially I am against porn for political reaons, but unofficially it just doesn't bother me.

The only time I've known for sure that DH used it was in the latter stages of my pregnancy when I was going to bed exhausted at 8pm and felt as sexually attractive as a basking walrus - and was frankly relieved that he had an outlet that didn't involve me. Grin

I know that I find other men attractive, and I know how easily I am able to separate that from my lovely DH, so I trust it is the same for him.

Do agree though, that no number of us saying this sort of thing will change how you personally feel.

rockinhippy · 03/11/2010 13:10

I'm with Eric on this too, very naive & pretty insecure of you to expect your DP to find you exclusively attractive, he;s have to be dead not to be open to "looking" but its a whole different ball game if he is "acting on"

Thats said, I personally fried my DHs balls when I caught him using online porn Angry because it suddenly explained why my computer was clogged up with cr@p & he;s not computer savvy enough & it also meat the way it had infected our computer, DD was at risk of pop ups too as we share a computer......he's not done it since Grin

His magazine stash on the other hand are well hidden from DD & I really don't care, its only a bit of innocent titillation, I mean, I watch Steve Muscle arms & Merlin, so I can't deny him that Grin

but at the end of the day, as has already been said, everyone is different, & it down to how YOU feel about it, talk to him, if its a genuine obsession of his, then he does need sorting out, or maybe if its just your insecurity rather than the exploitation angle you worry about, maybe be realistic & reach a compromise,

BibiBlocksberg · 03/11/2010 13:12

"it also meat the way it had infected our computer"

Ha ha ha - meat clogging the computer indeed rockinhippy.

Sorry, very juvenile of me (sniggers behind hand at mental image)

sobloodystupid · 03/11/2010 13:13

hate it hate it hate it. But most men do look at porn. I think as another poster says when it impacts on your relationship and/or sex life, then clearly it's not on...

rockinhippy · 03/11/2010 13:16

8BibiBlocksberg Grin yes juvenile, but in the context of the thread, I can see where your coming from ...lol....quite an apt typo :)