to feel threatened that DH was looking at porn online?!

[sonnyday]

I know most men do do it and it's natural but I just really don't like the idea of him searching for and then getting turned on by another womans naked body, it would be unacceptable in real life right - and the woman is a real person... aibu?

BornAgainBokononist I agree and personally find it quite a hard distinction to make (on screen/real life) I mean people shagging are people shagging right?! They are still real people and exist and are not always 'unobtainable' looking, hmmm, I don't know the answer to this one, I just know how it makes me feel....

The proportion of porn being viewed by people in different countries that allow un-censored access to the internet is highly variable. A lot more porn is viewed per person in the US and in the UK than in most other developed countries. So it can't just be that men watch porn because it is 1. natural and 2. available, unless anyone is seriously arguing that the British and Americans are uniquely pre-disposed to porn on a genetic level.

Something else is going on. Whether or not the OP is right to feel unhappy about that something else is about her ethical opinion and emotional response, and how she communicates with her DP.

so sorry to hear that Wintersnow. He is putting you in the Madonna role ("mother" so asexual), I don't have a Psychology degreee (can't you tell!) but that sounds worrying. What has he said?

Do you think you're the only person he's ever looked at? What about all those before you? It's not a reaction that can be turned off like a tap just because he's in a relationship.

Chap's gotta wank, what would you rather he used as a motivational tool? Your sock drawer? The cat? Balamory?

You haven't had sex in 8 months and your dh looks at porn all the time, yo definately have a problem and it's him. You need to talk to him, this can't go on can it? If he won't do anything to address it then suggest counselling. I understand some men find pregnacy scary and are worried they'll hurt you or the baby but 8 months is a long time! And the porn isn't helping!

My real objection to porn is the porn industry, I'm still learning about it and it wasn't very long ago I was in the 'its normal deal with it' camp myself but now don't understand why we are supposed to put up with it. I bring up the screen/real life thing as the comments so far about men needing it I just don't get.

Heracles ummm, no oviously he has had girlfriends in the past.. not sure what that has to do with porn...

What don't you get about it?

Sorry, that was aimed at the one above yours but equally works with yours. I was referring to you saying "getting turned on by another womans naked body".

It's only been in the last few weeks he's been looking at it, in a way I feel I shouldn't be bothered as we haven't had sex for months but I guess the issue here is that he doesn't want to have sex with me as I'm pregnant and wants to look at other women instead....

Understandably he gets turned on by looking at naked women, but I just feel there's a difference between that natural reaction and actually searching for other (naked) women to get turned on by

Needs a leg-up, I'd imagine. Gets the job done much faster. If you find him wrestling with the snake in front of the Ikea site, then it's time to worry...

Yeah I guess maybe I'm looking at it in a different way. He sees it as using it to help him climax and it's a means to an end, at that's all. I still can't help feeling !

I don't get why men need to look at people having sex, it is a desire not a need surely. That is what I was objecting to, men don't need porn.

No, but there's very much the urge to have a wank and porn, funnily enough, does the job superbly.

I think pornography has always existed in some form and probably exists in most cultures (again, in some form) and I think it's perfectly normal for men and women to be turned on by erotic or sexually explicit images.

However, I think porn has changed rather a lot over the last 10 years or so and what is considered fairly mainstream nowadays is becoming increasingly violent and degrading to women.

And I don't buy the 'it's empowering' line or 'women choose to do it' etc.. I'm sure many do; but it doesn't mean it's a good choice for them or that it doesn't damage them.

There is also the impact on young people to consider. Today's teenagers have easy access to some pretty hardcore porn online. I can't believe it doesn't have any effect at all on their perception of what constitutes normal, healthy sexual desires and relationships.

These are the reasons I don't like my OH viewing porn (though he does, as is his right; I would never attempt to stop him doing so) not because I think he should only lust after me. I think about people other than my OH in a sexual way and it is no threat to my relationship.

Actually Oli - it's not his right, he is in a relationship with you and your feelings and opinions matter. I would lose all respect for a man who saw his rights to use porn as more important than my feelings, especially if they were vehemently against pornography.

Heracles, nobody needs porn in order to masturbate, masturbation is normal and healthy and , funnily enough, imagination does the job even more superbly.

Agree with Olifin about the industry, I used to watch porn myself. I grew up with the internet and I thought I was being cool and empowered to watch porn with or without men and that what is portrayed in most mainstream pornography now is normal. It was reading mn actually that opened my eyes to the fact that these things are not normal and are in fact very harmful to women. I'm ashamed ow of watching it and condoning it, I don't want any further part in it. My whole attitude to what I deserve and what I endure in bed has changed.
Heracles the op has not had sex for eight months, her dh spends all his time watching porn and will not come near her. You have told this woman that this is ok and normal as long as he's not wrestling with the snake in front of the Ikea site, well done. Refusing to come near you wife for eight months and using porn instead is normal is it

Malifience I see what you're saying. However, I haven't broached the subject with him yet...It's only fairly recently that I have come to feel increasingly uncomfortable about porn and a had bit of a realisation about the damage it might do.

So it's not that he puts his rights before my feelings; just that he doesn't know my feelings about it. I will discuss it with him at some point but want to be able to frame it in a non-threatening 'have you ever thought about xyz...' kind of a way, rather than a 'you sick beast' kind of a way as that might be liable to make him feel bad and guilty about it and therefore more secretive. I actually don't want him to feel bad about it because he's a very genuine, VERY nice person who has a huge amount of respect for women.

I don't believe he's ever considered that there's anything wrong with porn. He's not thick, but can be simplistic in his thinking and tends to take things at face value. I suspect it hasn't occurred to him that there's anything wrong with it because it's purely images.

Someone linked to an interesting article about men and porn (earlier in this thread, I think) so maybe I will start by suggesting he read that and that can open up a discussion about it.

Find a DVD of young, good looking, very well hung and toned men.

Be watching it when he gets home.

This is what I did, it was funny how offensive he found it. Funny how it made him think he wasn't big enough, good enough.

Because when I felt those sort of things I was being stupid.

OP (I do get confused with the name changing on here [confused)

I've just seen your update as regards you're being 8 months pregnant & your DP not wanting sex with you, but is using porn instead,

whereas I've said already, I really don't see a problem with a bit of titilation, & in different circumstance would stand by my original post in that YABU & insecure .....I think in the light of your situation you have every right to feel insecure & your DP is being a bit of an oddball arse

you really do need to talk frankly to him, it may be genuinely innocent, if very odd, but his actions are understandably making you feel very insecure ...good luck