to think people won't believe me?

[HellAtWork]

Long story short, I have been harassed by my female boss at work, basically it seems for being pregnant. I am currently on maternity leave and have now had to raise a grievance because I am seriously shitting myself at having to work with or for her again and just can't go back. The thing is she has never been physically threatening towards me and so I just don't understand why I am getting chest pains, insomnia, hot sweats/cold sweats etc when I am contemplating all this. The worst are waking from nightmares where I have had my baby son adopted so I can go back to work and I wake myself up with all the crying I'm doing while asleep.

Things she has done:
(1) Changed the team meetings to the time of my antenatal appointments (at same time on same day every week) while I was on annual leave and then bollocked me for not attending the team meetings when I was at the hospital (despite having notice of the dates and times of antenatal apptms)
(2) Circulated my personal mobile no to entire dept without checking with me first so that I had to change numbers before coming on maternity leave
(3) Told my assistant to bin all my files and not tell me she had been asked that (seriously...I came back from holiday to find her sitting next to me at my desk - she never told me why she'd come to sit next to me and proceeded to have all the IT set up to her requirements and I was forced to move out and deskhop at about 30 week pregnant with a chest infection) - this was 3 weeks before a restructuring announcement in which it appears I have been hugely demoted (30% pay cut) and/or made redundant
(4) Called me in off sick leave (with chest infection as above) for a 1:1 and then frogmarched out of the building when she realised colleagues were concerned at her treatment of me

8 days after I gave birth she emailed me to demand I attend a meeting in a fortnight for my appraisal etc. When I stressed I couldn't attend (breastfeeding etc) she repeated request that she come to my home to meet with me. She and I know that she stays in a hotel round the corner from my house 3 days a week that she works in our town. This means I cannot go past there to get to my GP or hospital at certain times (e.g. work rush hour) in case I run into her. I have even had panic attacks where I have thought I have seen her walking past our home but I could never prove it was her and it was in the 2 - 3 weeks after giving birth so I don't know how paranoid I was feeling.

There's more but that's a lot of the worst stuff. Am I overreacting? GP prescribed me tamazepan to try and help sleep (useless) and now wants me to go on Citalopram but I don't want drugs - I want this situation/her to stop hence having to raise the grievance.

A lot of her emails/pressure to attend meetings occurred in the period between 2 weeks prior to giving birth to 8 weeks after and I feel that it has scarred me in a way that people are going to think...christ, worse things have happened at sea, you've got a lovely baby, what's your problem?

And are people (e.g. especially the grievance hearing person) going to think get a grip? And I'm also concerned that people will think well how can a woman discriminate against another woman? I also worry that because I can't understand or explain WHY she has behaved like this, I don't see how people can believe me.

So am I being unreasonable and/or overreacting? If I felt I had a sense of perspective over this (sense of humour seems to have taken flight too) I think I would feel better...so a sense of perspective people please?

you are being bullied. you do not have to be a particular gender to be the bully or be bullied

she sounds dreadful. keep all your correspondance and take this as far as you can. take legal advice, and in your shoes, i wouldn't go back.

The worst people I have ever worked under have been childless females. I will never do it again. All the petty, manipulative, emotional abuse sounds familiar, as does the stress and panic attacks and inability to identify the reasoning behind it.
So, there will be others along with more constructive advice, legal know-how and support, but OP, I believe you, even without knowing if your boss has children or not.

There is a word for what you are going through it is called "mobbing"

I just found that (copied and pasted from what seems to be an American site):
""Mobbing: Legal Solutions

Certainly, each case of mobbing will have different legal merit depending on the client, the employer, the abuse and a variety of other factors. First, consider recourse through internal complaint channels and through formal systems. Some employers may empathize with the target and work to help the situation. Human resource representatives may intervene and attempt mediation. While this may seem a useful path, keep in mind that the human resource department works for the employer. Their primary interest is the employer. Do not allow the client to become overly optimistic or see this as the end to the battle, this may be one more step in a long and painful process. Therefore, Davenport, et al (1999) observe that as a counselor it will be critical to have attorney referrals available that specialize in workplace issues (Davenport, Schwartz and Elliot, 1999). However, enlisting a lawyer may be the start of a protracted, uphill battle often with little chance of success.

An attorney should be able to determine if the actions of the perpetrator are illegal, which mobbing seldom is, or if the actions fall under discrimination, harassment, or hostile work environment (Davenport, Schwartz and Elliot, 1999; Namie & Namie, 2000). Should the actions of the perpetrator be deemed mobbing and legal, work with the client to plan a useful course of action.

Harassment or discriminatory treatment-if unrelated to gender, race, age or any other title seven protected categories are not dealt with under current US law (Namie & Namie, 2000). Clients advised by an attorney that they have a case of illegal conduct must still be helped in understanding what this means, and in gaining support for the prolonged battle that may lay ahead.

An attorney can help prepare a client for conversations by providing language that may keep them out of trouble. Such language may allow the target to express him/herself in an assertive way in language that is free of rancor and vitriol.""

I do not know if it helps but would go to ask suggestions of where to turn to from a Citizen Advice Bureau to start with.

I have thanks Custy...am taking legal advice and amassing evidence etc. but friends are telling me to just leave, find another job, put it behind me, because it is obviously damaging me at the moment (short temper, hysteria when faced with what otherwise would be a FFS moment like losing keys etc) and I just can't because I am so bitter about this. And then I start to think it must be because they don't believe me.

I can't give you any legal or employment advice, but just wanted to say how awful she sounds.

Is this a job you have to go back to (for financial reasons)?

Wow. This definitely sounds like a case for seeking legal advice. Whatever you do, keep all the emails.

You poor thing - it sounds absolutely horrendous.

Bloody hell she is harassing you - I've no idea what HR procedures she has broken (I'm sure someone else will tell you what they are) but to me it sounds like you are being abused by someone who has a grudge against you.

I know you will be told to stick to the facts and I hope they support your claim for harassment/discrimination but I also want you to pay attention to your feelings.

These incidents are a bit like an abusive partner - stalking, contacting you when your vulnerable, 'hanging' around so I think you should pay attention to your gut instinct - that this woman is acting 'dangerously' towards you.

Take care of yourself, follow procedures, try not to show her that she is affecting you emotionally as she probably gets off on the power trip of that. Try and look really blankly at her.

Sending you some un-mumsnetty {{{{HUGS}}}}

Are you in a union? If you are get in touch with them asap.

Could you not leave and sue, citing constructive dismissal? Not sure how these things work, but something to bring up when you seek legal advice, maybe.

Just read your last comment about friends not believing you.

They do believe you, they're just concerned for you. I understand that you want to see her punished for her behaviour but sometimes it's better for your sanity to just walk away.

Is it a job that you love or need to keep for financial reasons?

You have articulated the problem very clearly in your post and on the basis of what you have written there is no reason why people wouldn't believe you or take you seriously.

Print out records of every email she has sent you and log everything. Put it all down in writing, in as much detail as possible. Remember that other people have witnessed her bizarre behaviour and even if they don't want to get involved will be able to corroborate that you were in the office when you should have been at home.

Get legal advice before planning your next move, but please don't let this go or this woman will do to others what she has done to you.

Goblinchild She is childless - I didn't put that in the OP because I feel that even by saying that I am reading into her motives/stereotyping all childless women as bitter and twisted against mums, when for all I know it could be by choice or for any number of reasons which wouldn't be relevant to her treatment of me.

Have you posted unemployment issues to look at the legal perspective of this?

'sometimes it's better for your sanity to just walk away.'

That's what I did.
Although it was more like a freefall leap, hoping that the parachute worked but not really caring enough to check it first. I just needed to get out.
Things have improved hugely since them, I felt very empowered by my escape.

'Goblinchild She is childless'

Ha! Thank you for reinforcing my prejudice.

Post in employment issues there are some amazing HR people who will help you.

Do not worry about being believed by anyone. The fact is her actions ahve made you feel this way.

BTW these things are not limited to childless women, I uses to ahve a boss who had two kids, and she was a nightmare, think it was a case of my kids dont stop me doing anything so why should you iyswim.

I also can't give you legal advice, but would suggest you have at least 2 points (possibly 3) where you will be able to prove it - not just your word against hers. The team meeting change will be recorded, going through the diaries will show when they changed, and if you had already given details of your appointments, it will be clear she changed the meeting to that time. (Whether than was just bad planning on her behalf or bullying will be the issue, not if it happen)

Also, your assistant should be able to back you up regarding the files.

Your number was circulated - again, she could claim she just got it wrong and thought you were ok with that, but put together, it looks like she is either doing it deliberately, or is rubbish at her job. Plus the restructuring also definately happened and you can prove the change in your wage too. (Get your old wage slips out)

You, hopefully have kept all the e-mails regarding your meeting on maternity leave too?

They won't think "get a grip" they will put it all together and there's a lot of paper trail on all this.

If your company is anything like the ones i've worked in, they will probably throw money at you to go away quietly, then bollock her. Even if they don't, what have you got to lose if you're thinking of quiting anyway?

Oh, and you know that there'll be others in the office who also hate her and will be really happy to hear you're pursuing this, don't you? She's had noone to bully for ages, there's some other poor person being her target now, mark my words.

"Could you not leave and sue, citing constructive dismissal? Not sure how these things work, but something to bring up when you seek legal advice, maybe."

Sorry you are in this position OP. Just wanted to comment on the above, please only do this as a last resort (which it may be), constructive dismissal is very hard to prove

Oh, and i worked for someone terrible in the past (male with children!) but not as bad as this. DH was trying to get me to just walk away as it was killing him to see me cry when I got in from work. I (being a stubbon cow) didn't want to, but luckily found a really good job at a competitor and moved.

Your friends are trying to find a way to protect you from more hurt. But if you've mentally left already, you've got nothing to lose by raising a grivance, and everything to gain.

Thanks for all the advice (virtual hugs gratefully accepted). I have a good solicitor (helped draft the grievance letter) and I have previously spoken to HR (including the Harassment Hotline) 4 times in the past 12 months. They just kept telling me to raise it with my line manager (she is my line manager) or failing that raise it with her line manager. I felt paralysed and unable to do this because I thought going over her head would piss her off more/cause her to up the ante and at 30+weeks pregnant I just couldn't face it at the time. Also paranoia alert her and her line manager text each other when they are both in the same meeting and giggle like school girls so I could not see a way out.

Unfortunately Union can't support me because they deem I joined 5 months after harassment started (despite continuing up until current date) so it looks like I will have to attend grievance alone - because any colleague I would otherwise have invited is conflicted out due to also being a witness. I think their gameplan is to now drag out the grievance process for as long as possible to emotionally and financially exhaust me - e.g. last week I was told I was going to have to have TWO hearings - one under the harassment policy and one under the grievance policy. Is that normal?

Go to the CAB and ask to speak to an Employment law advisor.
good luck

I was in a similar situation and took a £9k get lost one off payment.
My boss was stealing from the company, I had evidence, fiddling her expenses and flexi time, spreading rumors about the CEO's extra marital affairs and still they backed her over me.
Oh and I find it's always fucking childless women who behave this way to the point that if I ever am employed again I would not take a job working for a woman but more likely I will be self employed for the rest of my career now.