to think people won't believe me?

[HellAtWork]

Long story short, I have been harassed by my female boss at work, basically it seems for being pregnant. I am currently on maternity leave and have now had to raise a grievance because I am seriously shitting myself at having to work with or for her again and just can't go back. The thing is she has never been physically threatening towards me and so I just don't understand why I am getting chest pains, insomnia, hot sweats/cold sweats etc when I am contemplating all this. The worst are waking from nightmares where I have had my baby son adopted so I can go back to work and I wake myself up with all the crying I'm doing while asleep.

Things she has done:
(1) Changed the team meetings to the time of my antenatal appointments (at same time on same day every week) while I was on annual leave and then bollocked me for not attending the team meetings when I was at the hospital (despite having notice of the dates and times of antenatal apptms)
(2) Circulated my personal mobile no to entire dept without checking with me first so that I had to change numbers before coming on maternity leave
(3) Told my assistant to bin all my files and not tell me she had been asked that (seriously...I came back from holiday to find her sitting next to me at my desk - she never told me why she'd come to sit next to me and proceeded to have all the IT set up to her requirements and I was forced to move out and deskhop at about 30 week pregnant with a chest infection) - this was 3 weeks before a restructuring announcement in which it appears I have been hugely demoted (30% pay cut) and/or made redundant
(4) Called me in off sick leave (with chest infection as above) for a 1:1 and then frogmarched out of the building when she realised colleagues were concerned at her treatment of me

8 days after I gave birth she emailed me to demand I attend a meeting in a fortnight for my appraisal etc. When I stressed I couldn't attend (breastfeeding etc) she repeated request that she come to my home to meet with me. She and I know that she stays in a hotel round the corner from my house 3 days a week that she works in our town. This means I cannot go past there to get to my GP or hospital at certain times (e.g. work rush hour) in case I run into her. I have even had panic attacks where I have thought I have seen her walking past our home but I could never prove it was her and it was in the 2 - 3 weeks after giving birth so I don't know how paranoid I was feeling.

There's more but that's a lot of the worst stuff. Am I overreacting? GP prescribed me tamazepan to try and help sleep (useless) and now wants me to go on Citalopram but I don't want drugs - I want this situation/her to stop hence having to raise the grievance.

A lot of her emails/pressure to attend meetings occurred in the period between 2 weeks prior to giving birth to 8 weeks after and I feel that it has scarred me in a way that people are going to think...christ, worse things have happened at sea, you've got a lovely baby, what's your problem?

And are people (e.g. especially the grievance hearing person) going to think get a grip? And I'm also concerned that people will think well how can a woman discriminate against another woman? I also worry that because I can't understand or explain WHY she has behaved like this, I don't see how people can believe me.

So am I being unreasonable and/or overreacting? If I felt I had a sense of perspective over this (sense of humour seems to have taken flight too) I think I would feel better...so a sense of perspective people please?

HAW, my sister did escape, to a much better job. And, most amusingly, I think the exit interviews she and the other (very regularly) departing employees gave started the more senior bosses thinking...

That woman really was a piece of work. Monstrously insecure, emotionally incontinent, badly dressed, I could go on.

Trust me, in your situation, I expect every one of your fellow employees knows it's not you, it's her. They may have their heads down at the moment but with any luck there will be some support there for you, if only in the form of corroborating your account of what's gone on.

In the meantime, please give your vile boss a mocking nickname and start taking her down a peg, if only in your own mind. My sister and I settled on Princess of Darkness, which might work for you too.

You poor thing :( I went through bullying from a female (childless) boss, I'm a strong person but one week she reduced me to tears at my desk- she had written a list of things that were rubbish about me and made her assistant read it out to me. It was bullshit, things that I know aren't true- she even attacked my personal hygiene, which if you knew me in real life would know I'm a bit of a bath fanatic!
Even though i knew it was rubbish it really hurt, I couldn't understand why anyone would set out on purpose to hurt my feelings- if you are a nice person it doesn't occur to you to do shit like that to another human does it?
Anyway- I photocopied that list and left, later getting a few grand for it. But to be honest I would have preferred that she was sacked, I hate to think of the poor girls working there now!
You're not a weak person and I think you have done so well to compose yourself and act with such dignity.
Don't let people try and brush you under the carpet- keep going over heads if you need to. Contact your local MP if needs must.
I really am rooting for you!

LOL, My friend and I used to call the bullies we suffered from the Vipers

I feel very angry on your behalf, HAW, this woman sounds awful.

Please do not make yourself any more stressed out by this, what goes around comes around, I really believe that, she sounds completely horrific.

Good luck.

Hi HAW, I'm not surprised this woman's behaviour is making you feel a bit mad. I went through something similar during the birth of my son, only the emotional abuser was his father. I too feel bitter about the first precious months of my baby's life being clouded by a toxic soup of stress.

Being lied about, treated badly-and bizarrely- and then getting no support or understanding from the people around you can be bad enough at any time, but add the hormones and sense of vulnerability you are feeling at this fragile time, and it can indeed make you feel quite mad.You are not mad to be this affected. This kind of behaviour is, quite rightly, called "crazy making".

I found counselling a great help, and possibly enlisting friends and partners to remind you regularly that you are not mad, and that woman is a twisted loon, could aid your recovery! Good luck.

Mummytinks, I feel the same, I am livid that this HAW has felt her life has been so blighted by dreadful woman.

HAW, try to set this woman in your mind for the bully she is. SHE is the one with problems, SHE is the one in the wrong, not you. Give her a nickname, one that makes her less to you. Much of a bully's power is the perception of power.

You are not mad, not at all, this is abuse of you clear and simple.

Try and think about it like this. If she fires you, you have more than enough evidence to at least make a tribunal sit up and listen. you could make her squirm at the least and negotiate a big fat exit package for yourself.

If she got you fired, you'd never have to work with her again. So is that really the worst that could happen? You are on Maternity leave, your role is protected. If you get to December and can't face going back to work with her, sign yourself off and start proceedings against her. Your role again will be protected. They can't instigate any form of Disciplinary proceedings against you if you are off sick. This is what my friend was told by her lawyers, I'm pretty sure it's true.

Keep asking yourself, what's the worst that could happen. Lose your job? It'd actually be a blessing, if they fire you when PG, they will be gift wrapping a Sexual Discrimination case for you in time for Christmas!

I also believe in karma, it's the only thing I had to cling onto when the Vipers did their number on me.

Viper Minor got made redundant, not long having moved to her own flat, i sincerely hope that she lost a number of nights sleep worrying if she'd keep her flat. I had to sell mine when they fired me.

Just wanted to voice my support. The anxiety you are experiencing is entirely understandable, given the sustained stress you have been under (added to the fact you've got a young baby). That doesn't make you weak. It makes you normal.

I went through this, too - male boss, I wasn't pregnant, did all the same things though. My complaints were not upheld because the entire corporate culture was founded on bullying (HR had no recods of my meeting, but reported everything I said to my boss!) I ended up having a breakdown and am still recovering.

My most important advice is not to underestimate the effects this has on your health. It's better to run away from the job than compromise your future health, and your baby's. Second, document everything in detail. if you can get your colleagues to support you - maybe email their agreement that certain incidents happened as you describe them - do so. AFTER doing that, begin your company's formal complaints procedure. Better to bring her down if you can! Realise your boss has certain responsibilites towards your physical and mental health, especially if you are pregnant.

I advise against "being strong". It makes you more fun to bully Burst into tears when she even looks at you!

Following my completely useless formal complaints, I should have resigned, citing my mistreatment as the reason. Then I could have sued. Unfortunately I was getting rotten advice. There's loads of fantastic information at bullyonline.org

Just a very quick 'holding' thank you to everyone who has posted - have been up the night because something quite monumental struck me about how wrongly the restructuring process was followed/not followed with regarding to my position. If I am right in my reasoning it will be very difficult for them to refute that I was purposely side-lined/denied a role in the restructuring round at my level (and therefore demoted or offered redundancy) because other more junior people to me were promoted into positions I could have been offered. Not sure if this is making any sense to anyone but basically all hinges on a letter the bullying line manager sent me 3 weeks before I was due to give birth which states my knowledge, skills and experience were not as suitably matched to 'the roles' as other candidates in my selection pool. Turns out no one else from 'my selection pool' was appointed to these 2 vacant roles and instead 2 junior people (outside of selection pool) were promoted into these roles in February and I was not offered either of these roles.

It is quite scary because if I'm right, I am not the only person prejudiced by this decision. All the other junior people who were not invited to apply for the two unfilled roles were also prejudiced. To put this in context, it feeds my paranoia because the company I work for recently merged and there was also a sense from my company A colleagues that Company B people were getting all the jobs/not being made redundant and of course the 2 junior people were from Company B and their reporting line is into a company B person. But no one could prove this because management (all Company B) would say but we followed the process fairly and scored everyone. Their failure to do this for me has highlighted they have also failed to do this for a number of other people too. Appears another reason for what's happened to me is Company B wanting a clean sweep of Company A employees - think this happily coincided with the bullying line manager's anti pregnancy agenda so she then had the tools/method to get rid of me as 'fair'.

Just wanted to say thank you so much for support and sharing your stories ( and - wish there was a naive emoticon because I also feel like I must have been living and working in a lovely bubble before where sex discrimination just didn't happen - has certainly reawakened the feminist in me), has given me strength to try and calm down and think this out and just wanted to let posters know was not ignoring them - have also argued against having two hearings as being prejudicial to my case.

By the power of Mumsnet!

Ooh, sounds an interesting development.

keep us posted and know that we are all really cheering you on!

Go on HAW!!

Go on you good thing! Had to deal with bullying line manager myself between returning to work in March till reached nadir in mid-June. At which point she (who does have a child) over-reached herself by stating that I was an unfit parent (as well as various categories of unfit employee). Hello HR and the Union; and lo, was wrath visited upon her scrawny white ass. At least 3 other colleagues that I know have also reported incidents involving the manager concerned so karma was visited upon her with a significant bollocking delivered in an open plan area by a senior manager complete with demotion at end of August. But I still get a seething rise of rage whenever I think of that time of year (which included my clocking into work at 5:20am on my DD's first birthday. Not the memory I wanted to have or associate with the 4th June). I doubt the negative emotion will go away any time soon so I'm still trying to work out whether I ought to speak to a counsellor or just hope that it will eventually dissipate over time. Maybe counselling/talking it out is something to consider for yourself?

Sorry, this is very long. Just meant to say - Have faith, YANBU and GOOD LUCK.

Thank you GingaNinja - things have taken off with a frenzy at the moment. One thing relevant to you which I have just asked about is whether there is any private healthcare open to me that will allow me to access counselling/support as provided as part of my employment contract? My GP's waiting list for this kind of thing is huge. Could you see if your work has this available to you? Horrible horrible for your DD's first birthday. But nice to see there was vindication/repercussions for the bully involved (and publicly so).

You sound like you are thinking very calmly and clearly about this whole situation. Just wanted to wish you the very best of luck in dealing with it. I'm glad that you are not just letting it go because I think the injustice of it all would haunt you and piss you off forever more.

Good luck, OP. My boss is a bullying, manipulative twatbag too. I posted a thread on here a couple of months back when she Facebook messaged me to have a pop at me for daring to take a holiday day off that I'd booked off in april.

The support and advice I got on here gave me the backbone to stand up to her and she apologised. She's still being a dick to me in other ways but she knows that I'm not a pushover at least.

Hope you get it sorted.

Just saying good luck!

Also just to say - even if union won't send a rep, you don't have to go to tribunals alone.

I have a friend who was conveniently fired the day before she would qualify for maternity pay.

I got her to talk it all through with me before hand, took notes on that and rebutals to any accusations, then went along with her and just prompted/made sure everything important got said.

They also made her do two tribunals, but on same day so we popped off to regroup before second and came back.

I'm not a lawyer, just a calm in a crisis friend.

sue the bitch

I worked for a company where I was bullied when I was pregnant and basically forced into accepting redundancy on maternity leave. It was 7 years ago and so nothing can be done about it now.

It was 2 women who bullied me and the company was Lewisham Council - even Local Authorities don't always abide by the rules.

I would seriously advise you to never return there. If I could persuade you I would advise dropping it all and getting on with your life because your health is more important than this but failing that pursue the bullying claim but never return.

By the way I believe in Karma too (not always but sometimes). Apparently, one of the women who bullied me was eventually sacked...

If you get out now, one day in maybe 10 years, 15 years you may find she gets her comeuppance.