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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find being asked about my children's conception is nosy and rude?

64 replies

BagofHolly · 30/10/2010 11:55

Just popped into town and wandered into a children's clothes shop. Lady in there starts the "not long now" talk, (I have a huge bump!) I said it's twins and she said "was it a natural conception?" I said "Gosh, what a funny question!" and she went BRIGHT red and said "sorry, you don't have to answer that!" So I didn't! I just said "it's two boys, we're very excited." She said "we get a lot of older women in here, who've had to have IVF." Then she carried on, flustered, and despite my saying I was shopping for my toddler, starts showing me premature baby clothes!
Nosy, rude and tactless or AIBU?

OP posts:
ZacharyQuack · 30/10/2010 11:58

Tell her it was immaculate, then smile serenely.

onimolap · 30/10/2010 12:00

Tactless, probably.

Yes it is also nosy and rude, but that was probably not the intention. I think your response was a good one.

WingDad · 30/10/2010 12:00

I think she was probably trying kinda hard to make conversation and be pleasant, but still, a very strange question to ask.

Original poster
BagofHolly · 30/10/2010 12:01

Zachary, it was, kinda! We actually DID have IVF so neither of us were even in the same twin when they were conceived!

OP posts:
Original poster
BagofHolly · 30/10/2010 12:03

Typo/. Town not twin! Argh!

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 30/10/2010 12:06

fairly tactless but she's probably mortified.

I had a conversation with a shop assistant who asked me when I was due and then prattled on about how she would love another but wouldn't be trying because there was no way she would want to be an older mum. Being 40 and having my first I wasn't sure if I should be flattered that she obviously thought I looked loads younger or insulted!

Congratulations on the IVF, me too Grin though not twins.

PhishFoodAddiction · 30/10/2010 12:07

It is a bit nosy, but she probably blurted it out without thinking. I reckon it was just because you said it was twins, she was probably curious as to whether you'd had IVF or not. I think twins are quite fascinating to some people.

I think you answered well though!

Congratulations on your twins too Smile.

castlesintheair · 30/10/2010 12:13

It won't stop at the birth. One of my friends who has twins says after she is asked how old they are, the next question is "Did you have IVF?". Everywhere she goes! She always replies "Why do you need to know?".

Congratulations Smile

poxoxo · 30/10/2010 12:15

Its is a bit nosey but it sounded like the mouth moved quicker than the brain.

NewOrImproved · 30/10/2010 12:16

Other person "Did you have IVF?"

You "Are you asking if my husbands's sperm swim in the right direction?" Grin

Other person Blush

Eglu · 30/10/2010 12:17

People are really very stupid and rude when they arestuck for something to say. I would never dream of asking someone if they'd had IVF. It is incredibly nosy.

I like castlesintheair friends reply

TheEvilDead2 · 30/10/2010 12:30

I am under 30 and pregnant with one...was also asked this question Hmm was by my Dh's uncle so supect there may have been some family gossip going on about us ttc (we certainly hadn't mentioned any diffuclty to him). He said it in such a way as to throw me but not annoy me.. He's lovely but a bit hmm sometimes.

Scorpette · 30/10/2010 12:38

I've just turned 38 (yesterday!) and am pg with my first. When I rang up my GP's surgery in September to inform them I'd got my BFP, I was put through to a Doc I've never dealt with. When I informed him of my good news, he said, 'Ooooh, so the IVF worked then?!'. When I then pointed out that I've not had any fertility treatment, he started spluttering about having just seen my age on file and presuming. When I first saw my MW, and she was taking my details, as soon as I said my age, she too asked me if this was an IVF baby.

If I'd had IVF or similar, I would be proud and open about it, but you'd expect medical professionals to know that women over 35 can actually conceive naturally (took us bloody long enough, mind). Now, as I already have a sizeable bump at only 11 weeks and terrible, 24-7 nausea, people keep teasing me it's twins! If it is, I'll never escape IVF questions and presumptions, will I?!

chitchat09 · 30/10/2010 12:53

Good heavens, I had my first at 37 and was never asked! (And have been with my DH for many years). But then again I'm know for being very blunt to anyone who I feel is asking inappropriate questions, so maybe they were too scared!!!! Grin

headlessmummyoftwins · 30/10/2010 13:00

Holly get used to it you'll get asked a lot. I've got twins and I've always wanted to reply to the question 'Are they natural?' with:

'No, they're plasticine, but don't they look realistic'

but I've never been asked it!

I have been asked if twins run in the family (they do on my DH's side), and if they are IVF, and tbh most of the time I say yes, our 3rd attempt, we are so very lucky to have them as we couldn't have afforded any more treatment - it's nothing to be ashamed of!

RockBat · 30/10/2010 13:04

I was constantly asked if we had IVF because we were married seven years before I got pregnant. We had just decided to wait that long and DD was conceived first time out but people naturally assumed we'd had problems.

Original poster
BagofHolly · 30/10/2010 13:21

Headless, I'm not ashamed in the slightest! But our journey hasn't been an easy one and I'm not sure I wouldn't burst into tears (I'm VERY hormonal!) but also, my husband is very cagey about discussing this. Again, not through shame, just because it's very upsetting for him to have watched me go through this (I have to have endless injections throughout my pregnancy for example) and also because it's no one else's business! We'd just like to be 'normal', whatever that is!
Congrats to all the other mums and dads out there, however your children were conceived! x

OP posts:
diddl · 30/10/2010 13:30

She was tactless, but there are so many people who are happy to regale all and sundry with their IVF journeys that I don´t think it´s such an odd question iyswim.

BubbaAndBump · 30/10/2010 13:33

Tactless? Yes!

I had a (really nosy and chatterbox) secretary at work ask me if my 3rd pregnancy was planned - I said "do you really want to know whether my husband wore a condom or not?" - it shut her up quite quickly!! :o :o

Original poster
BagofHolly · 30/10/2010 13:36

Love it, Bubba!

OP posts:
PixieOnaLeaf · 30/10/2010 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

emptyshell · 30/10/2010 14:38

Twins fascinate people. Took my uncle and twin cousins (identical girls, the most sickeningly gorgeous auburn ringlets in their hair... which of course they hate) out for the day to Durham a good few years back now (before they discovered GHDs and bleach for their beautiful hair) - had more tourists wanting to take photos of them than of the cathedral and castle!

I've been asked over the years of trying if we're doing it properly (oops was that not the hole it was meant to go in), if we'd tried grapefruit (don't think that'll fit up there), if we were doing it at the right time (were we meant to be doing it during Eastenders only) were we having problems (let me grab a printout of my hubby's sperm GCSE for you)... just washes over me now.

CrazyPlateLady · 30/10/2010 16:25

My friend runs a twins club. She said the amount of people that ask if they are IVF is ridiculous.

I think it is rude but I think the woman in the shop spoke before she thought.

People are basically asking if you have fertility problems which is incredibly personal! You handled it in just the right way and hopefully she will think twice.

When I was first announcing my pregnancy at my toddler group, a mum who hadn't been before turned and said "was it planned then?" I had spoken all of 2 words to her. Unfortunately I prattled away giving away info that I don't want to share with strangers because I didn't know how to answer the question.

I need to have better comebacks. I don't know why some people seem to think it is appropriate to question pregnant women on such personal information. My family don't ask the questions that others seem to.

Casmama · 30/10/2010 16:39

It is a weird thing that once you become pregnant you somehow become public property - between people touching your stomach, commenting on the size of it and making all sorts of inappropriate comments.
It is true that the number of twin pregnancies has increased quite a lot due to IVF and if I hear someone is having twins it does cross my mind (sorry). However, it is none of my or anyone elses business. I think you handled it beautifully and would be surprised if this woman ever asked anyone that again Grin
Enjoy your pregnancy and your babies.

tholeon · 30/10/2010 20:22

I always wonder when I hear people are having twins (or have them) - we had ivf so it resonates. But I manage to keep my mouth shut!

Far worse (or at least more upsetting) were the people who we hardly knew who would ask tactless questions when we were ttc and not succeeding...

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