To find being asked about my children's conception is nosy and rude?

[BagofHolly]

Just popped into town and wandered into a children's clothes shop. Lady in there starts the "not long now" talk, (I have a huge bump!) I said it's twins and she said "was it a natural conception?" I said "Gosh, what a funny question!" and she went BRIGHT red and said "sorry, you don't have to answer that!" So I didn't! I just said "it's two boys, we're very excited." She said "we get a lot of older women in here, who've had to have IVF." Then she carried on, flustered, and despite my saying I was shopping for my toddler, starts showing me premature baby clothes!
Nosy, rude and tactless or AIBU?

My boss did a leaving speech on the day I went on mat leave for my twins - he researched all the famous people who had twins, and highlighted those who were supposed to have had them by IVF. He then said 'oh, but you didn't have IVF did you', as I went bright red in front of all my colleagues.

But he carried on - SJP had her twins with a surrogate - he then said 'clearly you didn't use a surrogate mum, but we did wonder whether you used a surrogate father...' This was a dig at the fact that my husband was working in India for two months (and my entire pregnancy) before I conceived... Ouch...

But back to OP's point - I've had people in the street come up to coo at the boys and then they come straight out and basically ask you whether you had sex to conceive

I have to admit several of us asked a colleague when her daughter became pregnant with twins after a long time 'trying'. Said colleague was very huffy and clearly lying when she denied it. It didn't matter either way but her reaction was interesting.

I remember arguing with my midwife about my dates at my first appointment when pregnant with DD. She kept insisting I was wrong and when I wouldn't budge, she asked why. I explained that my dates were accurate as my pregnancy was planned.
I was 20.
She wrote 'planned' in red capitals and underlined twice all over the top of my notes! I was clearly incapable of making such a decision

Asking if twins are identical or fraternal is not the same as asking how they were conceived.

It's more like asking if it's a girl or a boy (they are girls or boys or a mixture).

Some people like to keep the sex a secret until the birth, but I don't think they are offended by people asking.

I didn't find out either time but I didn't think it was weird of people to ask whether I knew.

Even if I had known I would have lied and said I didn't, but still wouldn't have minded being asked.

You're annoyed at people for being curious about a modern wonder, I think that is a bit unreasonable.

Obviously you're not obliged to reveal anything you don't want to, and your response was fine. But why be annoyed at the shop worker for asking a question?

IVF is still a new technology and has the potential to change the way people live their lives. And it is fascinating that we have the ability to control so mich of something that is still considered by some to be sacred. It's a good thing that people are curious about it.

I can understand people not wanting to answer. Just look at the comments on the Daily Mail website everytime they run an IVF related story (one on there this morning - give it till 10am for the usual crowd to have had a coffee and begun their day's skive at work) to see how some people love to complain it's abhorrent or wrong or something and have a good bash. With people like that around - I can understand some people wanting to keep cards close to their chest. Fertility issues and the journey through them is just so gruelling, with so many insensitive thoughtless comments thrown in - I can understand people who, when they get their happy ending (I'll get there somehow lol) just want to relax and NOT have intimate areas of their lives probed into for once - because they'll have been through years of that by the point of a happy ending.

Some people just happen to have twins running in their family - heck, when I got pregnant last time they found two in there naturally... after years of fertility problems I'm quite open about, had they lived - I would no doubt have been assumed to have had IVF, but there's a family tendency toward twins in our bunch anyway.

I'm very open about my fertility/miscarriage issues because I make that choice to try to break the taboos a little bit (it's one of the few things I can do to control my situation), I'd never assume other people want to talk about their own circumstances for being upduffed though - if they want to volunteer information (surprisingly lots of people do want to share stories when they find out what we're going through) then that's up to them. To be honest - I ain't actually that interested in what you got up to under the duvet to be honest - I just lack that inquisitive edge... or something or other!

Congrats on your pg BagofHolly.

I have twins and got this all the time (directly, but also obliquely: "are they identical?" and then "do they run in the family?" and if both answers were no, then they would assume IVF...)

The good thing is now that it seems to have stopped (they are almost 10! )

Our local multiple birth club recently had a newsletter devoted to the topic. Turns out that pretty much all mums of multiples get asked how they were conceived...so you may get this a bit more

Good luck with your boys!

X-posted, so sorry for your loss emptyshell

legspinner I think people are just fascinated by twins full stop to be honest - like I say, my identical cousins caused more attention than a cathedral at one point!

Me, I'm the dense sod who it takes till lunchtime on the first day of term to realize the kids in the class with the same surname and date of birth are twins usually in the case of non-identicals! For some reason the twin thought generally just doesn't cross my mind - but I'm a dopey so and so at the best of times.

SuchProspects "You're annoyed at people for being curious about a modern wonder, I think that is a bit unreasonable."

I, more than most, totally understand how fascinating IVF is. I'm a layadvisor on fertility issues to the HFEA and am happy to wax lyrical about it. But the context is essential - I was looking for clothes for my toddler, and think it's rude to be asked about how my pregnancy came about. It's no one else's business! There is plenty of information in the public domain about IVF for those that are genuinely interested as opposed to thoughtless idle curiousity, as appears to be the case here. I especially didn't like her automatically showing me premature baby clothes! How insensitive!

I don't think that those of us who are unfortunate enough to have had to walk this path, are morally mandated to be ambassadors of information about it. Fertility treatment is an INCREDIBLY sensitive issue - it's the miracle that no one wants to need. It affected every part of our lives - financially, physically, emotionally - everything that we thought our future would be when we met and married, seemed to slide out of view. And if you don't have children, you don't have grandchildren - even our old age would have been affected, by our ability to have children, which we'd taken for granted for years. Our relationships with our friends changed - they had their own families and we were 'that' couple who were strugging. Fertility issues shouldn't be a stigma but when you're going through it, it bloody well feels like you've got a neon sign over your head!

So, I get a bit emotional when asked about it by complete strangers. Because what's the next question? "Were you trying for long?" Yes, years. in fact we never used any contraception. And we spent a FORTUNE and it nearly finished us. And it really hurt. And at this point, I'm invariably crying (I'm crying as I type) and I'd rather not cry, to complete strangers, in clothes shops, who ask questions without any idea about how raw this is, about things which are none of their business. Unreasonable?

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant

Emptyshell I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Heh it's ok BagofHolly - I do know what you mean. I get bloody annoyed that I spent half my life trying NOT to get pregnant... all that cash spent on condoms! Grrr! I've got quite a dark sense of humour and the irony of it all doesn't escape me - oh for it to be like sex ed at school when you let a boy see your ankles and ended up with a baby... sigh! (I went to a convent school - ankles were on a par with nipple tassles and crotchless panties)

Wow OP, that is an incredibly moving post (not a rant really)

I was asked by my dentist during my twin pregnancy whether I "had any help".

And many taxi drivers on the way too and from work (I found the tube impossible in my last few months).

I can understand why people are curious - I certainly am. But why do they think they can pry into such a personal area?

Sometimes I lie, sometimes I avoid the question, sometimes I tell the truth and sometimes I forget who I told what to!

But everytime I am burning with anger inside at how / why these people who I barely know can ask me such a personal question.

I always think it's funny that anyone asks anyone "are you trying for a family?" - it's the same as asking if you're having unprotected sex. I once worked with someone who asked me this question one too many times... so I told him "no, we can't have kids naturally and the IVF waiting list is 3 years long". He didn't know what to do with himself... but he didn't ask again! (And he didn't ask any nosey questions when my IVF bump began to show!)

Bagofholly congratulations, and I hope you found some toddler clothes too!