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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find being asked about my children's conception is nosy and rude?

64 replies

BagofHolly · 30/10/2010 11:55

Just popped into town and wandered into a children's clothes shop. Lady in there starts the "not long now" talk, (I have a huge bump!) I said it's twins and she said "was it a natural conception?" I said "Gosh, what a funny question!" and she went BRIGHT red and said "sorry, you don't have to answer that!" So I didn't! I just said "it's two boys, we're very excited." She said "we get a lot of older women in here, who've had to have IVF." Then she carried on, flustered, and despite my saying I was shopping for my toddler, starts showing me premature baby clothes!
Nosy, rude and tactless or AIBU?

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 30/10/2010 20:29

I absolutely hated people asking me if my DCs were planned. How can they not understand just how personal and inappropriate it is to ask?

MumNWLondon · 30/10/2010 20:30

I always assume IVF or other fertility treatment if its a first pregnancy - I do know 2 families who had twins and both open about it being IVF.

The other people I know with twins both talked about being in shock at 12 week scan, I guess saying that was their way of saying it wasn't fertility treatment.

If someone tells me its twins I say, "gosh that must have been a shock/surprise when you had your first scan" - they can then either just say yes, or say it was IVF.

HalfTermHero · 30/10/2010 20:33

It is a rude question to ask but I will admit to wondering when I see someone with twins whether IVF was involved. Just human nature to be curious I guess.

DuelingFanjo · 30/10/2010 20:35

there have been something like six sets of twins born to people in my workplace in the last 18 months. People joke about there being a special chair. AFAIK all the couples are young and didn't have IVF. It never occured to me to ask TBH. I had IVF and am pregnant with one. I was pretty open about it but not one person has asked me outright if it was IVF despite my age.

chandellina · 30/10/2010 21:01

i don't see why anyone wants to keep IVF a secret. I am always very upfront about my experiences with it - there is no shame. same with miscarriages.

You can argue it's no one's business, but we all know babies come from somewhere.

pjmama · 30/10/2010 21:09

I've never kept my IVF a secret, but it's still a rude question;

"Are you or your husband defective or did you just manage it with a good old fashioned shag?"

You'd never ask someone with a single pregnancy would you?

I used to just say "what do you mean?" and then look bemused when they actually have to think about and explain what they're asking.

clairefromsteps · 30/10/2010 21:23

She was probably just suffering from Foot In Mouth disease, but it amazed me how often I did (and still do) get asked how our twins were conceived. One time, not long before my due date when I was the size of a whale and v v hormonal, I lost it with some poor woman in the middle of Sainsburys:

Nosy old biddy - Ooh, how were they conceived?

Me - Actually, they were conceived when my husband and I were newly married and shagging like bunnies at every opportunity. One night a condom split and then the morning after pill didn't work so here we are.

Nosy old biddy - Blush

If you're reading this, Nosy Old Biddy, sorry for having a meltdown at you.

SlartyBartFast · 30/10/2010 21:25

i misread it as Noisy and Rude Blush

GibberingGinger · 30/10/2010 21:36

I think the poor woman just spoke without plugging her brain in first, and you dealt with it very well! I'm sure she is mortified.

I've done something similar where I asked someone (someone I knew from tots, but wasn't a particular friend) if they were going to have any more children, and her response was a flustered shaky "maybe, not very sure" which made me realise that it was probably a really awkward question for her! Felt awful afterwards. Never ask people anymore!

However as a fellow mum of twins (not saying whether they are IVF or not Wink) in my experience you will be approached by loads of people cooing over them and congratulating you and often asking inappropriate questions.

Congratulations on the pregnancy by the way. I'm glad that you have had success after the stresses of IVF. Smile

PS. Like others say there is no shame in IVF, but not everyone like to talk about it...

WriterofDreams · 30/10/2010 21:48

I can see how you found it rude, OP but equally I think it's a good thing that people are open about IVF and that they don't expect you to hide it. I know a woman who has twins. We were chatting about them one day (I don't know her very long) and she volunteered that they were conceived through IVF without me asking. Equally my MIL met a lady with twins last weekend and she also volunteered the information, so I think in general people tend to be quite open about it and for that reason some people don't see it as a rude question at all.

SummerHeightsHigh · 30/10/2010 22:10

This annoys me too and I don't even have twins. A really close friend is due very soon with twins and if it comes up in conversation at all with others (ie. have you seen XXX recently, how is she? Oh, she's great, she is due with twins next month...) the very next question is always 'are they natural?'

I don't understand why they want to know. Are they going to think less of her? Are they looking for gossip? I just don't get it, it can't be just natural curiosity because surely you wouldn't be that rude just to satisfy your curiosity.

Original poster
BagofHolly · 30/10/2010 22:21

I think I'm quite open about it in particular circumstances. It's not something I talk about to friends who got pregnant easily and naturally because on the rare occassions that I have, I've seen the pain and worse, pity, in their faces, and it upset me and them, dreadfully.
I also never want to be defined as "thatgirlwiththefertilityproblems" IYSWIM.
But I'm actually quite proud of what we went through to have our children, I just don't particularly want to discuss their conception any more than I would if we HADN'T had IVF!
Although I'm exaggerating for the purposes of example, I'm not ashamed of menstruating but I'm not about to start discussing the consistency of my flow with someone in a shop selling me tampons! Grin

OP posts:
GiddyPickle · 30/10/2010 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbieLovesKen · 30/10/2010 22:48

Sorry but dont have my glasses on, looked at thread title very quickly and thought it read:

"to find being asked about my children's conception being noisey and rude"

and thought wow, that is unreasonable.. PML Grin

nannynobnobs · 30/10/2010 22:53

When I was pregnant with DD2 a very dizzy and shallow acquaintance asked me if I knew who the father was!! Shock Er, my fiance who I've been with for years I hope. I have never warmed to her since!

NonnoMum · 30/10/2010 22:57

"noisy and rude"

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Original poster
BagofHolly · 30/10/2010 23:18

Noisy and Rude! That's the ideal, really, isn't it?! Fantastic!

OP posts:
GroupieGirl · 30/10/2010 23:24

Customer: Was it planned?

Me: Yes. God has a plan for everyone.

Worked every time. Grin

BubbaAndBump · 31/10/2010 19:13

That's what I read too Barbie :o :o (no glasses to blame either Blush :o)

spidookly · 31/10/2010 19:27

YANBU.

It is so rude to ask this.

I thought you had been hit with the old "was it planned?"

People seem to be incredibly nosy about IVF in a way I can't get my head around.

Once you are pregnant, surely the manner of getting pregnant doesn't matter so much?

A woman having an unplanned baby that started off as a crisis pregnancy, and a woman having a much longed for baby after years of infertility treatment are both in the same situation to a well-meaning stranger or acquaintance.

"Congratulations!", "I hope you're feeling well", "when are you due?", "is it your first?"

so many things to ask and talk about without asking about their sex life.

JennyPiccolo · 31/10/2010 19:36

I think people like hearing about couples who have conceived after IVF, i always think it's lovely news to hear, when you know what they've gone through and how dedicated they are to being parents and how happy it will make them.

Maybe i'm just naive but it's just one of those things that people are fascinated with.

Still don't think i would ask someone outright though.

spidookly · 31/10/2010 19:45

Hearing someone is pregant is lovely news to hear.

Knowing someone conceived using IVF does not mean you know what they went through.

saffy85 · 31/10/2010 19:50

YANBU very tactless. People ask me if mine were planned Hmm I assume it's because I'm a yoof innit. Someone even asked if I had my first to get bumped up the council list. Like that even works lol.

littlebylittle · 31/10/2010 20:01

Rubbish question, I equate it with asking a woman with a non IVF conception which position and after how many goes they conceived in. Yes some people who've had IVF are open about it, just as some people are very open about how many months they'd been trying. Doesn't make it all right to ask. I think the other one that gets me is how when you've got one people feel they can ask if you're going to have another. With me, not only did I think it was too personal, but for most of the time they were asking, I was either having fertility treatment or just pg or just mc. And I chose not to be open about it because I wished to choose who I told if it went wrong. And I see being evasive about early pg as an accepted white lie so I just said " all in good time" or some such.

Imarriedafrog · 31/10/2010 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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