to want husband to help with the housework?

[Lovinmaternityleave]

I'm currently on maternity leave and therefore at home with (1st) baby all day. My husband arrives home from work, spends a little bit of time with baby but then sits down and watches TV. I'm constantly cleaning, ironing, washing, hoovering etc etc. At the weekends he does a little bit more, but by no means is it equal. How do other people split the chores? He seems to think that as I am on maternity leave it should really be my 'job'. To a certain extent I agree, but it is now ridiculous. Just had another massive row and now we're not speaking. It seems so petty but is really getting me down. Help!

Can you agree between you what jobs need to be done each week? Sit down and make a list together e.g. weekly food shop, change beds, take bins out, and so on. By doing this you can agree on a basic list of chores and he can then pick his ones that he can be responsible for - this generally works well as he will then have a clear and agreed idea of his responsibilities. If he is not willing to shoulder his share, you should discuss getting a cleaner (depending on your circumstances obviously) or even getting in a pro to do window cleaning, laundry to do shirts/sheets, gardener if a big garden and so on.

Although ironing is a nice to have, it's not essential for most things - maybe now is the time to review whether you need to do so much? Also, do a weekly menu plan, batch cook and let the slow cooker be your friend!
It sounds like you are both trying to adjust to your new roles and there are bound to be teething difficulties. Will things change again when you go back to work? I'd be inclined to be strict since if you do go back he is really going to have to pull his weight.

I do the majority of housework, DH does the dishwasher and anything else I ask him to, but I try not to because he's shagged by the time he gets home.

I know some people would say that it should be 50/50 when you're both at home, or when do I get a break, but it doesn't bother me doing it (I like the control over my environment) so why would I 'hassle' him?

Hi, thanks for both your replies. Yes, making a list is a good idea. I reckon it will change when I go back to work, but I do worry that if he gets used to me doing so much now he'll never adjust when I go back!

I do also try not to 'hassle' him, but it stresses both of us out if the house is untidy/dirty but now I seem to be the one taking it all on. I asked him to clean the bathroom a few days ago and he made it into such a big deal. Sometimes I just do it all to keep the peace, but I'm staring to really resent it. It's tough! Also, he is not v confident with baby so tends to pass him to me at the first signs of a cry, so I feel like everything is on my shoulders.

I think it's fair enough that you do it all in the week, but dh did do dishwasher before he went to work and always has done fair share of bath/bed routine.

I never did chores in evening as sahm, maybe a bit of ironing, but dh would be doing work at home and I'd be watching tv at same time.

I would suggest you are doing too much or not letting baby watch you get on with it enough. I went out every morning, but then did jobs when baby napped or was in chair watching me/crawling undeerfoot. No need to do anything at night.

Weekends were different. Dh and I take turns cooking at weekend and I tend to say stuff like 'I'm just going to sort the kitchen, can you hoover the living room' Dh needs more direction cos he's not at home as much and doesn't see what needs doing. But he'll muck in because he's a fair man. I wouldn't be changing beds or anything cos that's a weekday job- chores to a minimum at weekend.

Sit down and watch tv with him.

I feel exactly the same and this always results in rows in our household. I think a list is a good idea - DH is much much better if given clear direction!

But when I go back to work we are getting a cleaner, no way am I working, juggling DC, and doing ALL the housework too. Not sure if that's an option for you guys.

BTW, YANBU expecting him to help! You need some relaxation too.

Yeahhh, I can see there'd be a problem if he's expecting you to look after your baby as well as doing everything else.

DH does have our 10 month old if I've stuff to do, but then he would because he wants to spend time with DD2.

Perhaps you're going to have to just leave them to it so he can build up his confidence with your DC? Get a bit of bonding going on while you are unavailable taking a large glass of wine into a very long bath.

You need to let him gain confidence with the baby.
My dh used to take 3 under 3 out on his own for the day-3 yrs before that he'd never changed a nappy or walked for miles to get a child to sleep.

Go and leave him to it. You need to let him make mistakes and learn what to do. He needs to gain confidence and bond with your child.

It all changes when you get back to work.
Then you need to divide everything up -we take turns cooking, the other 1 clears upand so on. Both be resigned to the fact you have to blitz the house on saturday mornings together!

Look, this is the way you put it to him: both of you are working. It's just that your current job is taking care of the baby. Both of you are entitled to the same amount of free time. So while you might be doing a little more housework at the moment because you are at home more, the fact that he goes out of the house to do his work doesn't mean that when he's in the house he gets to put his feet up while you are working 24/7 for your keep.
ANd it;s not 'helping' with domestic shitwork, it's sharing it. You are his partner and co-parent, not his housekeeper.

Both my babies were criers. Big time. DS2 always wanted to be held. So I couldn't have managed in your situation if DH had refused to do anything around the house. The way we worked it was that we both agreed that my main job when I was at home and he was at work was seeing to the kids' needs i.e. feeding (bottles/breast/meal preparation when on solids), getting to sleep (this takes a LONG time sometimes with a colicky young baby, with frequent interruptions and resettling!), making up and washing bottles, cuddles, playing, taking out for walks, cleaning up day-to-day mess in kitchen, trips to baby groups, tidying up after baby etc

All the above can seem to take all day, I know. When my two used to have their main nap at lunchtime, that was the time I had my lunch, washed and made up bottles, cleaned up the kitchen and sat down with a cup of tea for half an hour. When they were awake they were very demanding so no time to do big jobs like cleaning the bathroom or doing a mound of ironing. So things like that I used to leave till the weekend and I would do them then while DH was in charge of the baby.

But ordinarily during the week it was what I described PLUS I could manage to also fit in a big food shop to the supermarket, putting the washing on every day and hanging out to try and folding into piles for ironing at the weekend, errands to local retail park for things like birthday presents etc. (difficult if transport an issue, I know).

There is little time to do anything else really during the daytime if you have a demanding baby. For me, big jobs such as cleaning the bathroom and major tidying and even hoovering got left till the weekend. During the evenings, one would bath the baby while the other one did a quick tidy and prep of our evening meal. Then someone would put the baby to bed while the other one actually COOKED the tea, which we'd eat once the baby was asleep. Then we would BOTH clean up and finally BOTH sit down for a bit of relaxing time. I would always be the one to go and resettle the baby, though, and always the one to get up in the night with them. Fair enough I think.

Sorry, this is really waffly but I just wanted to show you what worked for us. You just can't possibly do ALL of it. Your MAIN job is caring for your baby - you wouldn't pay a childminder money to look after your baby then be happy for her to spend hours doing housework while your baby was in her care, so why would your DH be happy for you to do that during the day?

You are learning how to be a mother to your first child.

That is about the steepest learning curve there is.

It's absolutely knackering, stressful, and lonely.

Maternity leave rights were not granted so that women could skivvy after lazy-arse husbands.

They were granted so that women could bond with, breastfeed, and look after their babies.

All of the housework should be shared.

You shouldn't be doing more just because you are at home.

Whatever work needs to be done to keep your household running is the joint responsibility of the adults living in it.

Adults that create work but don't do their share are dead weight.

If they can't contribute they should leave.

Wow, harsh but true, spidookly!!

At home I am the boss and pretty much do everything house and child related. I work outside the home too (part time) but my DH works very long hours commuting sometimes for 4 hours a day. He rarely gets in before 7.30pm and is then just exhausted. I genuinely don't expect him to do the "housework" when he is at home. Having said that, once DS2 is of school age I intend to return to my career full time and at that point certain things will have to change - but he knows that. Surely it's all about partnership and communication. Our set up is based around what works for our current circumstances but isn't detemined for the rest of our lives!!!

Bek x

still doesn't understand why people don't spilt chores evenly in out of work hours. Your job during the day is baby, nothing else.

Me and DH have swapped roles, but housework remains the same before baby.

I think it depends on your circumstances at any one time- they do change. Our situation is definitely different than before the children. We both had equally demanding jobs outside the home whereas, currently part of my job is the home. Between us we probably put in the same amount of hours but just doing different things. I don't see how insisting my DH do the hoovering when he gets in after a 13 hour day is at all reasonable, when I've been there since 3pm!

Bek x

The time I had at home with the DC was an enormous privilege. My DH was out of the house from 8am usually until 8pm. When he got home everything was done and tidy and dinner was ready. TBH, with the first baby, I had everything done by about 9.30am and wondered what on earth baby and I would do to fill the day. DH had a full time job outside the home. I had a full time job in the home and part of that was to support DH. DH always did the garden, the back windows and the bins and because he's a control freak does all the admin, bills, etc.

I did/do have a cleaner 3 hours a week which I would have missed but that said we have a large house and she hoovers, mops, dusts and does the bathrooms. Even without the cleaner I don't understand why you are constantly cleaning, hoovering and ironing. Looking back I probably spent about 2 hours a day then cooking, tidying, wiping down as I went along, doing laundry and dishwashering and probably still do. The rest of the time was mine or with DC. DH was putting in at least 10 hours a day of really hard, tough work at that stage.

Nowadays work full time, DH works abroad during the week. Still have the cleaner and by and large still keep on top of everthing at a push except now I have pick-ups and parents evenings to deal with on my own.

On balance I think YABU and neeed to get real.

i don't understand why you need to ask the question. Why would you think it's the natural order to pick up after him?
YOu need to make it clear that both partners in the marriage gets equal leisure time and equal access to money. So that means no one sits down of an evening unless both do.

No matter how efficient you are, bearing in mind your first priority is your baby, not all housework will be done during 'work hours' so whatever's left should be shared.
Good luck!

My DH does the bins and the dishwasher. It is how I prefer it but if I ask him to help then he does. He regularly hangs out the washing as well

But oncemai, your DH was doing useful stuff at home despite his long hours, and you have a cleaner! I'm sure the OP would be grateful for that much support. (Can only say, though, that if you didn't know how to fill your day with a young baby, it must have been an exceptionally good sleeper.)

But if I have 3 hours help each week and spend, even now, about 2 hours a day on domestic stuff - and that's in a 6 bed, three bath, three floored house, that all adds up to 17 hours a week and the house is always in reasonably good order. DH at the time was working at least a 50 hour week with an hour and a half travelling each day. The OP claims she's spending all her time on household chores with none to spare. That's what I don't get. The baby, by the way, had to have a nebuliser from 4 months to 16 months.

What spidookly said.

I cannot remember doing any housework when on maternity leave, to be honest.

I don't understand why anyone would feel it was fair for a woman on maternity leave to have to do the bulk of the housework because she is at home.

Surely we are not given maternity leave for the purposes of keeping our houses clean?

Clear up during the day if and as you can, of course. No one wants to live in squalor. I just don't see why paid work is prioritised so that husbands 'need a break' after a day in which they had toilet breaks at their own leisure, possibly chatted with friends online, had a bit of banter with other adults, maintained their career and identity etc while the woman on maternity leave should just keep going with domestic drudgery because it is her privilege to be at home with the baby.

If you return to work, what will happen then? If you are regularly in the habit of taking care of all household chores, it is unlikely this will change just because you go back at work. The second shift (which you are already doing) will begin in earnest.

You should have the same amount of leisure time, simple as that. And your job during the day is looking after the baby, his is in the office. So if there are still jobs left in the evening you both do them until you can both sit down. I'm not saying you should do no housework during the day, just that it isn't your job to do it all.

As for having to 'hassle' him - is this how he describes it, or just you? You shouldn't have to hassle him, he is an adult, you are a partnership. The housework is as much his responsibility as yours. If you have to tell him to do things it's burdening you, and you'll just reach the point where it's easier to do jobs yourself. I really think he needs to start taking more responsibility for his own house and child!

Maybe show him this thread?

Thank u all for your replies. DH phoned me from work this morning to say how sorry he is,that he adores me and DC and sometimes feels inadequate when minding him (he never ever held a baby before him) we had great chat and he also said he really wants to pull his weight. I feel much happier. Thank u all, some good tips and insights. Not every relationship works the same so I suppose people do what works for them. I also think I need to stop being such a perfectionist with the house, the baby is all that matters. x

• I don't pick up after dh, he can (and does) it himself
• he has his jobs in the house that stayed the same during maternity leave but I did more shopping (food) and cooking
• we share childcare as much as possible, he can't breastfeed but pat dc's back in the night when needed...

works for us. communication is the key.

Lovein - be careful of your DH getting used to you doing all housework, as he will NOT step up to the plate and sart doing it again whan you go back to work.

I did this with first DC, then when went back to work full time ended up with all the housework, all nursery pick ups (despite him agreeing beforehand that we would split them)

DON'T let him see you as the one responsible for the house. It is a hard habit to unlearn.