to want husband to help with the housework?

[Lovinmaternityleave]

I'm currently on maternity leave and therefore at home with (1st) baby all day. My husband arrives home from work, spends a little bit of time with baby but then sits down and watches TV. I'm constantly cleaning, ironing, washing, hoovering etc etc. At the weekends he does a little bit more, but by no means is it equal. How do other people split the chores? He seems to think that as I am on maternity leave it should really be my 'job'. To a certain extent I agree, but it is now ridiculous. Just had another massive row and now we're not speaking. It seems so petty but is really getting me down. Help!

[TattyDevine]

The irony of the men not helping issue I find also, is that they often think "childcare" is a complete job in its own right if they are doing it. So I've just done a thorough clean of the kitchen floor due to a glass break issue last night, and DH said he'd keep the children occupied whilst I did it. He sloped off towards the playroom with his newspaper, and I said "oh, while you are in the playroom, perhaps you and the children could have a good sort out and tidy in there!".

He gave me total daggers as he was hoping to read his paper and throw a DVD on but was clever enough not to actually say anything

So when I am doing tasks on the weekend, I try and encourage DH and the kids to "match" me in productivity...with varied results of course...

[TattyDevine]

I think there are some things where it makes sense for the person at home to do them.

Washing for instance - it takes 20 seconds to put a load of washing on, and you dont have to stand there and watch it go round and round.

Its the processing of the clean clothes that takes the time - perhaps you could give your husband a clean basket of washing to fold and sort whilst he watches TV?

Ideally you wouldn't be "dishing out" jobs like he's doing you a favour, ideally he'd take the initiative and responsibility.

Unpacking the dishwasher/putting dishes away if you dont have one whilst the baby finishes their lunch (depends on baby's age of course) and small tasks that keep things ticking along so there is not too much to do at the end of the day make sense too.

Scrubbing bathrooms and big stuff can take longer and really should be a shared responsibility.

Men often prefer "dry" work like hoovering. But I really don't see why we should pandy to them either!

[DancingHippoOnAcid]

Forever - I think OPs DH has now acknowledged he has been a bit thoughtless so no need to go for extreme tactics.

Though, Op, you really should think about doing this maybe a couple of nights a week, go to the gym or go to see a friend and let DH look after baby?

It would do you the world of good, you know.

[foreverastudent]

When he comes home, hand him the baby, head out to a friends/the gym, come back at 10pm. After the first few nights he'll get the picture.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

I can understand in a way - yes, it IS soul destroying to try and comfort them when they are like that and perhaps I could have done myself a favour by not constantly trying so hard to help him. But I still remember the way DS2's eyes used to LOOK at me when he was crying, even when a few weeks old, almost PLEADING with me to help him. Honestly, it felt like he was trying to use ESP or mind-reading or something! He really suffered with colic (he is 4 and STILL has bad wind - farts like a trooper LOL) and I just couldn't bear the thought of him being on his own in his cot and going through that. The result was a very messy house, extremely stressed me and a firm conviction never to have any more children!

[DancingHippoOnAcid]

curly - I can understand why once did it though, it is soul destroying trying to comfort an inconsolable baby.

My DM told me my DB screamed constantly for the first three months, nothing would console him. She used to put him in his cot and shut the door, then make a cup of tea when it got too much. She says it was either that or throw him out of the window

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

at you, onceamai, preferring to do housework rather than comfort your crying child!

[DancingHippoOnAcid]

We lived in a flat at the time so couldn't get away from the screaming!

[onceamai]

I didn't say ds slept a lot but he was a happy chap. He was extremely demanding and had serious asthma post bronchiolitis at 4 months. DD was a screamer but I got on with the jobs anyway - helped living in a big house - used to put her in the cot, shut the door and mute the monitor for a break from the mewling. Not such a halo after all Hippo!

[neuronsattheready]

Depends on the baby though doesnt it?
My 1st baby was like onceamai's. He slept a lot, fed in between or sat happily watching me.
I had loads of time to fit in everything that needed doing in the house, did it all in the day so as not to waste the evenings that we could all spend together otherwise.
How much housework is there with 2 adults (1 out all day) and 1 baby anyway?

I also have a friend whose baby is a 'cry unless being held' type of baby and I can see quite clearlyy why she is able to get not a alot done in the day apaart from watch the baaby!

[wukterWOOO]

[hgrin] DancingHippo, I identify with your description of newborn days rather more than I do with onceamai's

[DancingHippoOnAcid]

Oh, and OP, good on your DH for making that call. Clearly his heart is in the right place and you will work it out between you.

[DancingHippoOnAcid]

onceamai - you are clearly a saint and will get your reward in heaven.

When I had DD I literally could not put her down without screams for the first few weeks and the house was a craphole. I couldn't even make myself a sandwich for lunch and quite often only ate in the evening.

[SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass]

Good to hear that your DH wants to make an effort OP. Not all men are selfish entitled pigs when it comes to domestic shitwork, sometimes they do only need it pointing out to them once that housework is a shared obligation.

[booooooooooyhoo]

teh way i see it is you are at home to care for your baby. you are not there to make less owrk for your DH. if you were working out of thehouse the same hours as him then you would both have to split the housework 50/50 when you got home/at weekends. if it was me i would be taking car of stuff relevant to teh daily care of your baby and you while you are there. so meals, changing baby, keeping the house generally tidy and washing any dishes that are used during the day/emptying bins when full etc. thsi is all stuff that needs done as a result of you being in teh house during the day. teh hoovering/ironing/evening meal/washing clothes/cleaning bathrooms etc is all stuff that will need done anyway regardless of whether you are at home during the day or not so these things should be shared. of course if you feel up to it during teh day you can do these things but don't fall into teh trap of them being your job by cirumstance. negotiate with your DH and agree who does what.

[taintedpaint]

I think it's reasonable to expect the person in the home to do an extra share of the housework, but certainly not all of it. This is not because I think it is the responsibility of the housekeeper person (be that mother or father), but rather because it is more practical for the person at home to do 20 minutes here and there simply because, well, they are there.

Every family is different though, so I don't think there can possibly be a blanket rule, you have to do what works for you.

[DancingHippoOnAcid]

Lovein - be careful of your DH getting used to you doing all housework, as he will NOT step up to the plate and sart doing it again whan you go back to work.

I did this with first DC, then when went back to work full time ended up with all the housework, all nursery pick ups (despite him agreeing beforehand that we would split them)

DON'T let him see you as the one responsible for the house. It is a hard habit to unlearn.

[mousymouse]

• I don't pick up after dh, he can (and does) it himself
  
• he has his jobs in the house that stayed the same during maternity leave but I did more shopping (food) and cooking
  
• we share childcare as much as possible, he can't breastfeed but pat dc's back in the night when needed...
  

works for us. communication is the key.

[Lovinmaternityleave]

Thank u all for your replies. DH phoned me from work this morning to say how sorry he is,that he adores me and DC and sometimes feels inadequate when minding him (he never ever held a baby before him) we had great chat and he also said he really wants to pull his weight. I feel much happier. Thank u all, some good tips and insights. Not every relationship works the same so I suppose people do what works for them. I also think I need to stop being such a perfectionist with the house, the baby is all that matters. x

[FruitSaladIsNotPudding]

You should have the same amount of leisure time, simple as that. And your job during the day is looking after the baby, his is in the office. So if there are still jobs left in the evening you both do them until you can both sit down. I'm not saying you should do no housework during the day, just that it isn't your job to do it all.

As for having to 'hassle' him - is this how he describes it, or just you? You shouldn't have to hassle him, he is an adult, you are a partnership. The housework is as much his responsibility as yours. If you have to tell him to do things it's burdening you, and you'll just reach the point where it's easier to do jobs yourself. I really think he needs to start taking more responsibility for his own house and child!

Maybe show him this thread?

[arses]

I don't understand why anyone would feel it was fair for a woman on maternity leave to have to do the bulk of the housework because she is at home.

Surely we are not given maternity leave for the purposes of keeping our houses clean?

Clear up during the day if and as you can, of course. No one wants to live in squalor. I just don't see why paid work is prioritised so that husbands 'need a break' after a day in which they had toilet breaks at their own leisure, possibly chatted with friends online, had a bit of banter with other adults, maintained their career and identity etc while the woman on maternity leave should just keep going with domestic drudgery because it is her privilege to be at home with the baby.

If you return to work, what will happen then? If you are regularly in the habit of taking care of all household chores, it is unlikely this will change just because you go back at work. The second shift (which you are already doing) will begin in earnest.

[motherinferior]

What spidookly said.

I cannot remember doing any housework when on maternity leave, to be honest.

[onceamai]

But if I have 3 hours help each week and spend, even now, about 2 hours a day on domestic stuff - and that's in a 6 bed, three bath, three floored house, that all adds up to 17 hours a week and the house is always in reasonably good order. DH at the time was working at least a 50 hour week with an hour and a half travelling each day. The OP claims she's spending all her time on household chores with none to spare. That's what I don't get. The baby, by the way, had to have a nebuliser from 4 months to 16 months.

[Anniegetyourgun]

But oncemai, your DH was doing useful stuff at home despite his long hours, and you have a cleaner! I'm sure the OP would be grateful for that much support. (Can only say, though, that if you didn't know how to fill your day with a young baby, it must have been an exceptionally good sleeper.)

[conkie]

My DH does the bins and the dishwasher. It is how I prefer it but if I ask him to help then he does. He regularly hangs out the washing as well