to want husband to help with the housework?

[Lovinmaternityleave]

I'm currently on maternity leave and therefore at home with (1st) baby all day. My husband arrives home from work, spends a little bit of time with baby but then sits down and watches TV. I'm constantly cleaning, ironing, washing, hoovering etc etc. At the weekends he does a little bit more, but by no means is it equal. How do other people split the chores? He seems to think that as I am on maternity leave it should really be my 'job'. To a certain extent I agree, but it is now ridiculous. Just had another massive row and now we're not speaking. It seems so petty but is really getting me down. Help!

[taintedpaint]

I think it's reasonable to expect the person in the home to do an extra share of the housework, but certainly not all of it. This is not because I think it is the responsibility of the housekeeper person (be that mother or father), but rather because it is more practical for the person at home to do 20 minutes here and there simply because, well, they are there.

Every family is different though, so I don't think there can possibly be a blanket rule, you have to do what works for you.

[booooooooooyhoo]

teh way i see it is you are at home to care for your baby. you are not there to make less owrk for your DH. if you were working out of thehouse the same hours as him then you would both have to split the housework 50/50 when you got home/at weekends. if it was me i would be taking car of stuff relevant to teh daily care of your baby and you while you are there. so meals, changing baby, keeping the house generally tidy and washing any dishes that are used during the day/emptying bins when full etc. thsi is all stuff that needs done as a result of you being in teh house during the day. teh hoovering/ironing/evening meal/washing clothes/cleaning bathrooms etc is all stuff that will need done anyway regardless of whether you are at home during the day or not so these things should be shared. of course if you feel up to it during teh day you can do these things but don't fall into teh trap of them being your job by cirumstance. negotiate with your DH and agree who does what.

[SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass]

Good to hear that your DH wants to make an effort OP. Not all men are selfish entitled pigs when it comes to domestic shitwork, sometimes they do only need it pointing out to them once that housework is a shared obligation.

[DancingHippoOnAcid]

onceamai - you are clearly a saint and will get your reward in heaven.

When I had DD I literally could not put her down without screams for the first few weeks and the house was a craphole. I couldn't even make myself a sandwich for lunch and quite often only ate in the evening.

[DancingHippoOnAcid]

Oh, and OP, good on your DH for making that call. Clearly his heart is in the right place and you will work it out between you.

[wukterWOOO]

[hgrin] DancingHippo, I identify with your description of newborn days rather more than I do with onceamai's

[neuronsattheready]

Depends on the baby though doesnt it?
My 1st baby was like onceamai's. He slept a lot, fed in between or sat happily watching me.
I had loads of time to fit in everything that needed doing in the house, did it all in the day so as not to waste the evenings that we could all spend together otherwise.
How much housework is there with 2 adults (1 out all day) and 1 baby anyway?

I also have a friend whose baby is a 'cry unless being held' type of baby and I can see quite clearlyy why she is able to get not a alot done in the day apaart from watch the baaby!

[onceamai]

I didn't say ds slept a lot but he was a happy chap. He was extremely demanding and had serious asthma post bronchiolitis at 4 months. DD was a screamer but I got on with the jobs anyway - helped living in a big house - used to put her in the cot, shut the door and mute the monitor for a break from the mewling. Not such a halo after all Hippo!

[DancingHippoOnAcid]

We lived in a flat at the time so couldn't get away from the screaming!

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

at you, onceamai, preferring to do housework rather than comfort your crying child!

[DancingHippoOnAcid]

curly - I can understand why once did it though, it is soul destroying trying to comfort an inconsolable baby.

My DM told me my DB screamed constantly for the first three months, nothing would console him. She used to put him in his cot and shut the door, then make a cup of tea when it got too much. She says it was either that or throw him out of the window

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

I can understand in a way - yes, it IS soul destroying to try and comfort them when they are like that and perhaps I could have done myself a favour by not constantly trying so hard to help him. But I still remember the way DS2's eyes used to LOOK at me when he was crying, even when a few weeks old, almost PLEADING with me to help him. Honestly, it felt like he was trying to use ESP or mind-reading or something! He really suffered with colic (he is 4 and STILL has bad wind - farts like a trooper LOL) and I just couldn't bear the thought of him being on his own in his cot and going through that. The result was a very messy house, extremely stressed me and a firm conviction never to have any more children!

[foreverastudent]

When he comes home, hand him the baby, head out to a friends/the gym, come back at 10pm. After the first few nights he'll get the picture.

[DancingHippoOnAcid]

Forever - I think OPs DH has now acknowledged he has been a bit thoughtless so no need to go for extreme tactics.

Though, Op, you really should think about doing this maybe a couple of nights a week, go to the gym or go to see a friend and let DH look after baby?

It would do you the world of good, you know.

[TattyDevine]

I think there are some things where it makes sense for the person at home to do them.

Washing for instance - it takes 20 seconds to put a load of washing on, and you dont have to stand there and watch it go round and round.

Its the processing of the clean clothes that takes the time - perhaps you could give your husband a clean basket of washing to fold and sort whilst he watches TV?

Ideally you wouldn't be "dishing out" jobs like he's doing you a favour, ideally he'd take the initiative and responsibility.

Unpacking the dishwasher/putting dishes away if you dont have one whilst the baby finishes their lunch (depends on baby's age of course) and small tasks that keep things ticking along so there is not too much to do at the end of the day make sense too.

Scrubbing bathrooms and big stuff can take longer and really should be a shared responsibility.

Men often prefer "dry" work like hoovering. But I really don't see why we should pandy to them either!

[TattyDevine]

The irony of the men not helping issue I find also, is that they often think "childcare" is a complete job in its own right if they are doing it. So I've just done a thorough clean of the kitchen floor due to a glass break issue last night, and DH said he'd keep the children occupied whilst I did it. He sloped off towards the playroom with his newspaper, and I said "oh, while you are in the playroom, perhaps you and the children could have a good sort out and tidy in there!".

He gave me total daggers as he was hoping to read his paper and throw a DVD on but was clever enough not to actually say anything

So when I am doing tasks on the weekend, I try and encourage DH and the kids to "match" me in productivity...with varied results of course...