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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to withdraw this offer?

65 replies

Roshin · 27/10/2010 09:11

Back story: My friend split with her DH at the beginning of the year. Bad split, she really struggled, and he was an arse. 3 children involved. Left in a mess financially.
She desperately needed some work doing on her house, so as I have a family member in the trade I offered to sort it for her (I paid in other words). Some was done, then we had to wait for the other bits, told her to ring me when she was ready.
3 months ago she (controversially) got back with her DH. She seems to have been avoiding me since, cancelling playdates last minute etc. (perhaps because she's embarrassed about taking him back?).
Anyway, she rang me, out of the blue, last night to ask if I could get the rest of the work done on the house.
AIBU to say no? The offer was made when she was a struggling single mum of three, now her DH is back, why can't he sort it? I don't want it to seem as if I am 'punishing' her for getting back with him though...

OP posts:
Itsjustafleshwound · 27/10/2010 09:14

I wouldn't - you did offer her the help and it is a half-finished job (??)

Original poster
Roshin · 27/10/2010 09:16

It's a seperate job altogether, sorry should have made that clear!

OP posts:
Panzee · 27/10/2010 09:17

You did offer. And it may be a way of her getting back in touch with you? Like you said she may be embarrassed. Or may be regretting taking him back. She might be reaching out to you.

ninah · 27/10/2010 09:18

I would give her your relative's number and let her sort it out, including the bill
very good of you to do this in first place

ENormaSnob · 27/10/2010 09:18

Yanbu

I think she is really cheeky tbh.

Why should you find their diy when the dh is back.

Original poster
Roshin · 27/10/2010 09:20

How do I say no though?

OP posts:
LIZS · 27/10/2010 09:21

If it was already quoted for then surely it makes sense to go through with it as planned - I assume she is paying for the work somehow? You left it for her to ring and she has.

Beb · 27/10/2010 09:21

Tough one, but no, YANBU. You could just say something non-commital like "I know relative is very busy with lots of paid work in the run up to Christmas, so I don't think he would be able to get it done any time soon. You would probably be best trying to sort it through someone else".

nancydrewrocked · 27/10/2010 09:21

Provided it is a brand new job there is no way I would pay for it to be done or indeed organise it and frankly she has got a bloody cheek expecting you to to.

activate · 27/10/2010 09:23

I think YANBU

circumstances have changed and she is no longer in dire financial straits

"Hello old friend I'm sorry but I can't actually arrange / pay for the new work to be done - I only did it because you were going through such a bad time - but am happy to give you the number and you can sort it out yourself"

theskiinggardener · 27/10/2010 09:24

I would give her the workmans number and see what happened. If she's expecting you to pay I think she can take a hike, but this could be a clumsy way to get back in good contact.

runmeragged · 27/10/2010 09:24

I don't quite understand.

If work desperately needed doing, how has she been able to wait this long before having this last bit done? Is it really urgent/essential or is she taking the piss?

I think YANBU to withdraw the offer. Seems like you really helped her when she was down and now she wants to do some freeloading.

I would say, surprised, oh, I didn't think you'd need [whatever doing] by my relative now your DH is back.

Original poster
Roshin · 27/10/2010 09:24

It's not really been quoted for LIZ, it's a seperate job to the last one and last time I paid him a reduced 'day rate' as he is family.

OP posts:
LIZS · 27/10/2010 09:26

Agree with Ninah that you need to let her sort it direct with your relative if you want to take the personal side out of the issue. What did you say when she rang ?

Original poster
Roshin · 27/10/2010 09:28

I suppose it's not essentail work as such, but it was really getting her down. I saw it as something I could help with and wanted to give her one less thing to worry about.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 27/10/2010 09:30

I'd just text her the phone number of the bloke who did it before, adding "he will be able to give you a quote."

Original poster
Roshin · 27/10/2010 09:31

It took me by suprise so I wasn't really ready with a response... I'd already assumed since he was back she wouldn't expect me to still sort it for her. I just said I'd have to give him a call to see when/if he could fit it in.

I suppose I could just say he's so busy he can't do it at the reduced rate, give her his number and say she'll have to sort arrangements/the bill etc. But then I don't want her to think badly of me for going back on my word. If that makes sense?

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 27/10/2010 09:31

oh and add "but he may not be the best price for you so you should get some other quotes too"

runmeragged · 27/10/2010 09:32

You have been really nice and she is totally taking the piss now. You actually have to part with your cash - which was really kind of you when she was on her own struggling, but she might continue to take advantage if you go through with this. Do you really want her as a friend?

Original poster
Roshin · 27/10/2010 09:33

How to explain why I won't be paying, thats obviously whats she's expecting. Do I just be honest and say, can't your DH sort it? But then, like I said in my OP I don't want her to see it as a dig at her for taking him back.

OP posts:
runmeragged · 27/10/2010 09:33

Does she realise you paid your relative or does she think it was all just totally free?

ENormaSnob · 27/10/2010 09:33

You sound like a lovely friend but tbh if they are expecting you to fund this further work she is a freeloading cheeky cow.

CrazyPlateLady · 27/10/2010 09:34

I would say "sorry, now your DH is back it should be down to him to sort it out, I will give you my relatives details for you to contact him directly"

and leave it at that. She has a nerve tbh!

You offered to help when she was really struggling, surely she isn't really struggling now her DH is back. She is taking the piss to even ask you.

MassiveKnob · 27/10/2010 09:36

agree with crazy. cheeky cow, has not been in touch since getting back with dh, and now has the nerved to ask you to sort her/his house out.

Original poster
Roshin · 27/10/2010 09:37

That's a good point runmeragged - maybe she doesn't. That makes it harder...!

OP posts: