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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to withdraw this offer?

65 replies

Roshin · 27/10/2010 09:11

Back story: My friend split with her DH at the beginning of the year. Bad split, she really struggled, and he was an arse. 3 children involved. Left in a mess financially.
She desperately needed some work doing on her house, so as I have a family member in the trade I offered to sort it for her (I paid in other words). Some was done, then we had to wait for the other bits, told her to ring me when she was ready.
3 months ago she (controversially) got back with her DH. She seems to have been avoiding me since, cancelling playdates last minute etc. (perhaps because she's embarrassed about taking him back?).
Anyway, she rang me, out of the blue, last night to ask if I could get the rest of the work done on the house.
AIBU to say no? The offer was made when she was a struggling single mum of three, now her DH is back, why can't he sort it? I don't want it to seem as if I am 'punishing' her for getting back with him though...

OP posts:
DeadPoncy · 27/10/2010 10:53

LIZS&, the relative will not agree to that, surely? And if Roshin's friend goes to another tradesman, she certainly can't expect a thing!

DeadPoncy · 27/10/2010 10:54

oops.

LIZS

clam · 27/10/2010 10:55

Hmm, yes, reading it again LIZS may have a point. Even though you said "give you a quote"
You will therefore have to have another conversation about it. Otherwise, what if she just goes ahead and gets it done (without clearing the quote with you) and then sticks you with the bill?

But, as someone else said, make sure the builder relative knows the score too, so maybe he can reiterate the message.

FetchezLaVache · 27/10/2010 10:56

OP, whichever way you look at it, she's being dead cheeky. If she realises you paid, she's being cheeky to ask you to do it again. If she thought your relative gave his time and materials FOC, she's cheeky to expect him to do it again. Even if she doesn't realise you paid your relative, she obviously realises that somewhere along the line, a massive favour has been done for her and in her situation, i.e. having avoided you for months and cancelled playdates, I wouldn't have the sheer brass neck to expect any more favours! Makes me think Deadponcy could be right and it's the husband putting her up to it.

Original poster
Roshin · 27/10/2010 11:07

I've called him and explained the situation. He's going to say he needs the money up front. That way the issue can be dealt with before any work is done. Hopefully that will get the message across?

Deadponcy - I too have a feeling you may be right, and also about the minimal contact being something to do with him too Sad

OP posts:
oneortwo · 27/10/2010 11:15

I agree that text could be interpreted as her getting quotes for you to pay, but as long as he knows, as you say, it can be dealt with.

even if the offer still stood and the DH was not back, i would actually be a bit miffed with the way she said "we're ready for it now, how soon can they come". Maybe that's just me? its not how I'd word it if it was a favour, sounds very demanding/entitled!

Original poster
Roshin · 27/10/2010 11:26

oneortwo - Your right, it did take me aback a bit. The more I think about it, the more I think her DH is actually behind all of this. Shame on me for not considering that possibility before!

OP posts:
oneortwo · 27/10/2010 11:28

it may be just the ticket for him to call your bluff and get you out of his DW's life Sad, but if that is the case, don't give in because if that IS what is going on he will find another way

DeadPoncy · 27/10/2010 11:47

If that is right, what a prize to have back! Hmph.

Well, if you do sense this is the case, it could be good to keep the lines of communication open!

CrazyPlateLady · 27/10/2010 14:04

Can't wait to see what her reply is!

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 27/10/2010 14:14

Can't you say you rang your relative and he's really busy. And then if she rings him, get him to tell her too?

But she can't honestly be expecting you to pay now, can she? I agree with what another poster said, about saying something like 'I was happy to help out when you were on your own with the kids, because you were having such a bad time, but I'm not able to offer financial help now' (it's coming up to Christmas - can't you say you've got a big bill of your own to sort out?)

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 27/10/2010 14:24

Oh - I see, I should've read everything before posting. Any response yet?

OrangeAgate · 27/10/2010 16:29

I agree with CrazyPlate. Give her your relly's number for a quote and let her get on with it. What a bloody liberty!

CrazyPlateLady · 28/10/2010 20:21

Has she replied?

Eglu · 28/10/2010 20:25

Very cheeky of your friend, and good response by you. Heopfully she will get the message.

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