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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to withdraw this offer?

65 replies

Roshin · 27/10/2010 09:11

Back story: My friend split with her DH at the beginning of the year. Bad split, she really struggled, and he was an arse. 3 children involved. Left in a mess financially.
She desperately needed some work doing on her house, so as I have a family member in the trade I offered to sort it for her (I paid in other words). Some was done, then we had to wait for the other bits, told her to ring me when she was ready.
3 months ago she (controversially) got back with her DH. She seems to have been avoiding me since, cancelling playdates last minute etc. (perhaps because she's embarrassed about taking him back?).
Anyway, she rang me, out of the blue, last night to ask if I could get the rest of the work done on the house.
AIBU to say no? The offer was made when she was a struggling single mum of three, now her DH is back, why can't he sort it? I don't want it to seem as if I am 'punishing' her for getting back with him though...

OP posts:

Bast · 27/10/2010 09:37

YANBU!

She's a chancer for even asking and shouldn't have put you in this position.

It's quite fair of you to say no without justification but you could always go along the lines of 'due to a change of circumstances'.

Tootlesmummy · 27/10/2010 09:37

I'd be honest and explain you sorted it the first time around as she was in a difficult situation and say that you were happy to help out and you're happy (even if you're not!) for her to be back with her husband but you can't really afford to pay this time.

Say you'll give your relative a call and pass on her details. Does she want to proceed on this basis.

To soften the blow you might want to also arrange a get together as a play date for the kids?

ENormaSnob · 27/10/2010 09:39

Just tell her she will have to discuss further work and payment direct. Advise her to get further quotes as your relative is busy and won't do mates rates for her.

If she mentions you paying I would laugh as though you presume she is joking. Or ask her direct if she expects this despite the dh being back.

If she does I would seriously tell her to get fucked.

Lotofdamnationandhellfire · 27/10/2010 09:39

Regardless of the history of this, treat it as if it was a different friend asking for the info of a diy person. Offer the number but advise they are fairly busy so easiest to contact them and pay them directly. Or just say he's too busy!

LIZS · 27/10/2010 09:40

Why should she assume you'll pay ? Just give her the details to ask him to go round to quote but say you're not sure when he'll be able to do it. (Tip him off that your "deal" no longer applies first). Up to her if she wants to go ahead on that basis. Tell her you are saving for Christmas if she asks - not that a real friend would have the front to.

ENormaSnob · 27/10/2010 09:43

Or you could do as she did and avoid her for 3 months then ring her out of the blue and ask a favour.

Original poster

Roshin · 27/10/2010 09:43

She's not asked for the details though, she just said 'we're ready for that last bit to be done, do you know how soon XXXX could come round' and I responded basically with a 'I'll get back to you'. Will I not seem a bit like I'm snubbing her to just give her his number?

OP posts:

Original poster

Roshin · 27/10/2010 09:44

Argh! I hate this!!

OP posts:

LIZS · 27/10/2010 09:46

Speak to him and explain the arrangement , ask him whether he would like the work on a normal rates basis, then call her back with his details or a no can't do. Seems pintloess for you to act as a go between as it will just irk you further.

CrazyPlateLady · 27/10/2010 09:46

Why are you still questioning it? Who cares if it sounds like a bit of a snub? She is cancelling on you for playdates etc, taking the mick by expecting you to get the last bit of work done when her DH is back. She should know that she is out of order for even asking you this.

If you offer the details of your relative and she says anything about you paying as per your original deal, tell her there is no need for you to help out now her DH is there and leave it at that.

gingernutlover · 27/10/2010 09:47

you need to be upfront with her and say something along the lines of

I have x's number for you, just so you know I paid him direct last time as a favour to you bearing in mind your situation. I can't pay this time but I'm sure he'd be happy to give you a quote.

It is possible she either doesnt realise that you paid him or that she fully intends to pay for this second part of the job.

senua · 27/10/2010 09:50

So, in the first instance, work was done at friend's house and you paid the family-member-in-the-trade to do it. Just be grateful that she phoned you about further work and didn't go straight to family-member!!!!
Might be worth a call to family-member to let him know the situation and that you are not footing further bills.

Speak to friend and let her know that the difference is not that friend's DH is back on the scene, but that her family finances have changed (back to where they were. I presume that you didn't sub their DIY before the split!) You could also try throwing in some lie sob-story about your finances have changed too?

Original poster

Roshin · 27/10/2010 09:53

Crazy - I'm not good with confrontation, so that's probably why I'm mulling it over so much!

OP posts:

clam · 27/10/2010 09:54

You know, I think the phrasing of her request shows she has no idea that you paid for the last job. Or rather, if she does know, then to ask in this expectant way shows she is no friend of yours.

Either way, you must make it clear that it's not on. Stuff whether she thinks you're snubbing her. Why are her hurt feelings more important than yours (in that you don't want to sub her DH for work done on his house, particularly as you don't seem to care much for him). Good advice been offered here as to pleasant ways of saying it.

DeadPoncy · 27/10/2010 09:56

Agree with the above about telling her straighjt that you paid then, and cannot afford to pay now, so you "hope that's all right" (what's she going to say?!).

For yourself, keep in mind that you cannot be expected to keep money for her improvements in your budget for months. She fell out of contact; she cancelled contact; her circumstances changed and she didn't say anything for ages; and you spent the money. Knowing this should make you feel better about your own position. And if she pushes, you can tell her this, as well.

Is there any chance her husband is pressuring her to do this, and she has agreed in order to "keep peace" with him? It's very sad if she feels she has to make compromises like this (so soon, and especially after what he did), so she might need you later - not for money and DIY but to cry her heart out again.

Or maybe she is just cheeky! Only talking to her will tell you!

CrazyPlateLady · 27/10/2010 10:03

I'm no good with confrontation either, . I can advise others on what they should say and think "its so simple, just say it" but in reality I don't know how I would say it myself so I do sympathise.

I like the post about her finances have changed so surely she doesn't need your help now. If she feeds you some sob story or says anything about you agreeing to do it, tell her that you can't afford it with xmas coming up and leave it at that. If she is a real friend, she won't push it anyway.

It was very very good of you to do it in the first place.

Or you could just say "heres X's details if you could deal with him direct from now on as I have a lot on" and pretend that you don't have any idea that she means for you to pay.

ENormaSnob · 27/10/2010 10:03

She must know that you paid.

Pretty sure that no one thinks tradesmen work for free.

Original poster

Roshin · 27/10/2010 10:07

Have text her (chicken's way, I know!).

"I've got alot on at the moment so probably best if you contact xxxx direct (number). Get him to pop round and give you a quote first to make sure the price is OK though, he's quite busy so I don't think he'll be able to give mates rates. Speak to you soon x"

OP posts:

clam · 27/10/2010 10:12

Great! Let us know what she says.

(Marks place)

QuantaCosta · 27/10/2010 10:12

She may not know Roshin paid. I was a bit confused by the term in her OP when she said she had a family member in the trade so 'would sort it for her' and then clarified with (I paid in other words). If you didn't clarify that point with her she may not realise. She may think your family member was doing it as a favour to you esp. as he presumably never mentioned money to her.

I think a lot of trades people end up in situations where family and friends assume they will carry out their trade for free when they need the work doing.

Like a a lot of posters I would give her your family member's details and tell her that he will quote her for the work. If she takes issue just point out that you did pay for her when she was a struggling single mother (and drop in the figure!!) but now DH is back and there's been such a long gap then she can sort it out herself

Ellielou02 · 27/10/2010 10:13

Yanbu, she is being cheeky and your text sounds fine.

Original poster

Roshin · 27/10/2010 10:17

QuantaCosta - I would be suprised if she thought is was free. She was there when the first lot of work was done and I don't think she would have assumed he would have covered the costs of the materials at least.

OP posts:

atswimtwolengths · 27/10/2010 10:24

I think that text was fine and I do think she's been really cheeky.

She probably is embarrassed about taking him back, and you never know, he may resent others who stood by her when he'd left and may make it difficult for her to see you now.

fedupofnamechanging · 27/10/2010 10:36

You need to contact your family member who did the work and let him know that you won't be paying for any other work done for your friend, otherwise she might get the work done, not pay and your family member will be looking to you to settle the bill.

I think your friend is taking the piss and don't quite understands why you are so worried about offending her. She doesn't seem remotely worried about offending you.

I would call her back and be honest. Explain that you were happy to help her out when she was on her own, but now that her husband is back they would be better to make (and pay for) their own arrangements.

Seriously, if you let her walk all over you, she will. Her house is not your responsibility and you both know it.

Years ago, my dad arranged for work to be done for my mums 'best friend' at mates rates. My dad paid upfront and never got the money back from the 'friend'. She just kept making excuses. Some people are shameless chancers and I think your 'mate' has scammed you once and you'd be a fool to let her do it again.

LIZS · 27/10/2010 10:47

Text may be open to misinterpretation re. the price though - she could think you would pay whatever she agrees, if she is already thinking that way.

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