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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my stepdad should watch his bloody mouth

65 replies

lissieloucifer · 27/10/2010 08:32

Im fuming. i have a very uneasy relationship with my parents, i moved out of home at 14 because my stepdad was abusive. I went on my first diet at 6 and was anorexic from age 9. because of things he and my mum would say to me. he upset me on saturday by telling me to stop moaning about my teitze's (a condition which forces my ribs out from the sternum/back and is shockingly painful) we'd already arranged to go over to theirs yesterday because of 1/2 term.

I was sitting on the computer chair and ds was next to me, i moved the chair and bumped into ds's (5) foot. I apologised. my stepdad came in and said "ooo, did mummy hurt you? we'll have to call child protection, put mummy in jail. do you think you'll go into care?" ds was upset.

2 of my cousins have been arrested for neglect/child abuse, and ds has met the children. he is quite sensitive and even without that... it was a shitty thing to say.

ds woke up in the night sobbing and shouting because of it. he had a bad dream and woulnt let go of me. ended up in our bed clinging onto me. he has never done that before.

fucking wanker. AIBU to ring him up and give him a piece of my mind? I am still scaed of him now, but noone upsets my boy like that.

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 27/10/2010 08:36

I'd say don't bother calling him, just have nothgin more to do with him.

thisisyesterday · 27/10/2010 08:36

why do you still see them???

Feenie · 27/10/2010 08:38

God yes - avoid, avoid! Don't let him upset you or ds ever again.

Squitten · 27/10/2010 08:40

I wouldn't want my kids around my abusive stepdad in the first place!

Original poster

lissieloucifer · 27/10/2010 08:41

I have cut them out of my life several times but when i had ds i decided to give them the chance to be grandparents. i didnt meet my real dad til i was 16 and was told all my life that my mums mum had died 40y ago, when in fact she died 13y ago. i know that makes me weak, but i dont want to lose my brothers again either.

Im so angry about this. when i was little he used to throw tantrums and tell us that he was going to commit suicide and we would get taken into the workhouse. it was awful and i remember it now. we were on eggshells around him all the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

lissieloucifer · 27/10/2010 08:44

and fwiw, they are NEVER alone with ds

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 27/10/2010 08:45

it doesn't sound as though your son has anything to gain through knowing them though.

if this is the effect a visit has on him then why would you put him through that?
it's nice to have grandparents... if they are nice people!

have you spoken to your brothers? would they be willing to maintain contact with you even if you stopped seeing paretns?

FakePlasticTrees · 27/10/2010 08:50

To me, it sounds like your DS's life is worst for their contact, not better. Your priority is what's best for your DS, so I'd say stop contact with them. If you can maintain contact with your brothers, that's great, but your DS shouldn't be exposed to your SF's shit. You've seen the damage one comment has made.

Original poster

lissieloucifer · 27/10/2010 08:50

i doubt it. i was the recipient of the physical abuse (i was only a girl) and they sided with them in the past. he doesnt normally get upset by visiting them, ds normally enjoys it. i was panning on withdrawing from them anyway though. this has just made up my mind

OP posts:

duchesse · 27/10/2010 08:51

Don't ring him. He's a tosser. Nothing good will come of it. He sounds thick-skinned enough to not understand what you are saying. Just avoid him would be my advice.

Original poster

lissieloucifer · 27/10/2010 08:57

so should i just not contact? i was ready to ring them up at 2am. i was bloody raging. i can cope with the shitty things he says to me. i come on here, rant and sulk but i know he is just a twat. but i always said that the minute he gives ds a "little tap" or says something fuckwitted to him we are off.

that minute has arrived.

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 27/10/2010 08:58

Your little boy is 5, why are you putting him into nasty and emotionally unstable situations with someone you dislike and are afraid of?
What does he have to gain from such an association?
His needs should come before your own, at least until he's old enough to look after himself.
You are responsible for his welfare.
You could meet your brothers on neutral ground, or keep in contact in a hundred other ways.

Original poster

lissieloucifer · 27/10/2010 09:02

goblinchild, because (as i stated earlier) they are never alone with ds, and i wanted to try to give him a family that i missed out on. they dont see him that often and this has never happened before. as i said, the abuse was aimed at me growing up, and they have always adored ds. i know he thought it was a joke. thing is, its a shitty, stupid, fuckwitted joke. i told him off for it straight away.

i refuse to be made out to be in the wrong here. I have done what I and dh thpought was the right thing for ds.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 27/10/2010 09:02

Yanbu but I wouldn't ring them.

I wouldn't maintain a relationship at all.

bintofbohemia · 27/10/2010 09:04

Your son definitely doesn't need grandparents like that and by continuing to keep them in your life you are passing all this shit on another generation where you could stop it.

Easy to say, I know.

How far away are they? Can you just disappear?

Goblinchild · 27/10/2010 09:10

The family you missed out on?
Why did you cut them out of your life several times?
Why are you afraid of your stepfather?
Why did you move out at 14?
You were anorexic from 9 because of this family, yet you want your DS to know them and have a relationship with them?

'i refuse to be made out to be in the wrong here. I have done what I and dh thpought was the right thing for ds.'

It is your choice as his parents. I am just weary of dealing with children who have been damaged emotionally and socially before they've reached double figures. But I'll keep on going, because someone has to help them see that normal relationships don't work like that.

duchesse · 27/10/2010 09:11

Realistically though, 5 is the age when children do start to have very vivid and frightening dreams. If it weren't about this, it might have been about tigers hiding under his bed or dinosaurs taking over the world. At 5 children suddenly realise that nothing is forever and that scares them witless until they process and internalise it. So your boy may have started to have had dreams around this age anyway. The fact that it might have been triggered by contact with your sf ridiculous comment may be immaterial. I think you are reacting like this because your own feelings of helplessness are being revived- and it revives a whole raft of unwelcome emotions foremost of which is "why does my mummy not protect me from this?". It's not nice to be thrown straight back into your own childhood through an off the cuff remark.

The only way one can rationalise this is to consider that there are some women for whom having a man is more important than anything else, including the health and wellbeing of their children. One can then almost feel sorry for her.

StewieGriffinsMom · 27/10/2010 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3thumbedwitch · 27/10/2010 09:14

Ring for a quick curt phone call. No ranting, no raving - just say:
After your stupidly thoughtless comment to my DS, I have decided that you do not deserve to be a part of his life. I will not have him upset for your enjoyment. Goodbye.

Don't even tell them that your DS has been up all night crying over it - they will just turn it back on you and blame your parenting - not worth the aggro. Don't even give them a chance to respond - again, not worth it.

Just dump them - your poor DS is not gaining anything from knowing them and is now actively suffering for it.

So :( and for you though. Have a (((hug))) on me.

Original poster

lissieloucifer · 27/10/2010 09:16

as i said, i or dh have supervised all contact with him. in an ideal world i would have the power of foresight and been able to block them without feeling guilty. as it is, i did feel guilty. this is the first time they have said anything like this to ds, and it will be the last. i was trying to create a relationship with my family for my son. i will never forgive my mum for not letting my dad have any access, or for telling me that her mum was dead. i played with my lil sister once when i was 8 and didnt know. my nan lived 10 minutes away and apparently we saw her once in the supermarket.

OP posts:

ValiumSkeleton · 27/10/2010 09:17

He sounds horrible. What about your mother?? does she know he's abusive and nasty but is too weak to stand up for what's right, or has she lost all perspective?

I'd cut him off. You're an adult. Your mum could visit you without him (if she's allowed) but you don't need to go to their house ever again.

duchesse · 27/10/2010 09:19

Lissie, sounds like he's being abusive to your mum as well- presumably your gran "died" when he came into her life?

Can you see your mum alone on neutral territory- ie agree to meet at a cafe or somesuch so that you don't have to go anywhere near him?

Seabright · 27/10/2010 09:22

If you don't feel a phone call would work (you'd get side tracked/he'd provoke you by picking at you) then use the words 3thumbedwitch suggests in a letter and post it to them.

Then get called display, so you can avoid their calls.

Original poster

lissieloucifer · 27/10/2010 09:22

she doesnt drive and they live in a small town, neither do i. tbh, she's just as bad. she used to tease me for being fat and ugly, and even now refuses to acknowledge anything about my childhood. my gran apparently died when my mum was 14. in a weird way i blame her more.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 27/10/2010 09:23

I don't see why you should feel guilty for excluding them from your kid's life.
They made your life miserable, your stepfather was unpleasant on the last 2 occasions you've seen him.
This isn't the sort of thing you joke about with kids.
You aren't going to change his unpleasant personality.
It's no good continuing to go there and then moaning afterwards because he hasn't had a personality transplant.
It doesn't sound as though anyone in enjoying or benefiting from these visits.

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