Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my stepdad should watch his bloody mouth

65 replies

lissieloucifer · 27/10/2010 08:32

Im fuming. i have a very uneasy relationship with my parents, i moved out of home at 14 because my stepdad was abusive. I went on my first diet at 6 and was anorexic from age 9. because of things he and my mum would say to me. he upset me on saturday by telling me to stop moaning about my teitze's (a condition which forces my ribs out from the sternum/back and is shockingly painful) we'd already arranged to go over to theirs yesterday because of 1/2 term.

I was sitting on the computer chair and ds was next to me, i moved the chair and bumped into ds's (5) foot. I apologised. my stepdad came in and said "ooo, did mummy hurt you? we'll have to call child protection, put mummy in jail. do you think you'll go into care?" ds was upset.

2 of my cousins have been arrested for neglect/child abuse, and ds has met the children. he is quite sensitive and even without that... it was a shitty thing to say.

ds woke up in the night sobbing and shouting because of it. he had a bad dream and woulnt let go of me. ended up in our bed clinging onto me. he has never done that before.

fucking wanker. AIBU to ring him up and give him a piece of my mind? I am still scaed of him now, but noone upsets my boy like that.

OP posts:
ValiumSkeleton · 27/10/2010 09:24

That's understandable. You were HER child. she owed you a parent's love and protection.

Instead of ringing them with a big dramatic announcement that you're cutting them off, back away without much explanation and focus on your own family.

tulpe · 27/10/2010 09:26

lissie - for your own sanity and your DS's make the the brave step of breaking all contact. It is hard. I know. I have done it with my mum and dad.

Even when I have moments of feeling sad that my DCs won't have a GP in their lives for much longer (FIL is 92), it isn't enough to make me contact them. I know that to begin with it will all be sweetness and light and within 30 minutes the snide or thoughtless remarks will start.

Unlike your mum, I never told DCs that my p's are dead. When they ask I simply say that IMO we just don't see them. For now it is enough. When they are much, much older I may give them a toned down version of the truth. But then again, that is my pain to deal with and I wouldn't want to inflict that upon them.

CrazyPlateLady · 27/10/2010 09:31

You need to cut contact and not put your DS in this situation again. It doesn't matter that they are never alone with him. What they say when you are there is bad enough. They have made it clear they are not good people who are good with children so why you thought you could get them to be 'grandparents' is beyond me.

Don't contact them again and certainly don't let your DS see them again. Reassure him that your SD is a nasty man who tells lies and he is not to believe what he says then tell him he won't be seeing him again.

ValiumSkeleton · 27/10/2010 09:34

I wouldn't even say that "he's nasty". I'd say he constantly puts me down and I don't deserve that.

CrazyPlateLady · 27/10/2010 09:48

Would a 5 year old understand "he constantly puts me down" though? Thats why I said nasty, they understand that more.

ValiumSkeleton · 27/10/2010 09:49

Does he need to fully understand?

CrazyPlateLady · 27/10/2010 09:58

He doesn't need to understand as such, he needs reassurance that he isn't going to see this horrible man again who says awful things that makes him so upset.

redflag · 27/10/2010 10:00

I know you said you have broken contact then re contacted so they have a chance to be grandparents, but i wouldn't bother anymore if i were you.

He sounds like he doesn't understand children at all, and is abusive still.

You have now made the effort, done the right thing, call it quits now.

ValiumSkeleton · 27/10/2010 10:01

Yes, so don't upset him more than is necessary. He doesn't need to be dragged into a 'he said I said' story where he feels torn. A simple 'he makes me feel bad so I don't want to see him any more' is easy to understand and won't upset him.

spare him the details.

CrazyPlateLady · 27/10/2010 10:05

How is calling this man nasty giving him details? It isn't. He already knows this man is nasty due to the horrible things he has said. It shows that mummy knows it to and is protecting him by reassuring him he won't have to see him again. Telling him that "he constantly puts me down" gives more details than "we aren't seeing that nasty man again."

marriednotdead · 27/10/2010 10:09

Agree with VS, your DS does not need to know details.

I've not seen my father since I was 17- he's a monster. When DCs asked, I just said he wasn't a very nice man so I don't see him now. Telling them is sharing your own pain, I saved mine for counselling.
Perhaps a visit to this thread may help you.

redflag · 27/10/2010 10:11

CrazyPlateLady, its not, Its the same as saying "we are not going to see that mean man" no difference. Its a reassurance for the little lad.

Miggsie · 27/10/2010 10:13

Be honest and say, "yes, he upset you, he upsets me too, I don't really want to see him any more." We have a couple of dreadful relatives whom we no loger see and DD is aware they are "not nice" and it is good for children to learn that some people are horrible and it is ok to say "I do not need to mix with horrible people".

My granny was a horrid person, she was horrible to my dad and my aunt, and then she was horrible to the grandchildren (me). Some people are just horrible and need to be avoided.

edam · 27/10/2010 10:16

I'm sorry your stepfather and mother are so horrible. Very difficult for you to deal with. It's easier for an outsider to have a broad perspective, hard for you being in the middle of it.

But I do think all the posters saying get rid are right. Your ds isn't benefiting from this relationship and things aren't going to get better. Entirely understandable that you wish they could be decent grandparents and you wish ds had decent grandparents. And you have tried. But it hasn't worked - entirely their fault. Very sad, but definitely best to realise that they are not bringing anything positive into your lives.

fedupofnamechanging · 27/10/2010 10:20

If your parents are the sort of people that you can't trust to be alone with your child, then your child shouldn't be having any contact with them.

They have contributed nothing positive to your life (they have caused harm to you,in fact)and they will contribute nothing positive to your child.

I would see my brothers away from the parents house, but would cut the parents off without a second thought.

curlymama · 27/10/2010 10:25

From the sounds of it, you need to make an active descision in your mind that you won't be seeing them again. Think about it and try to realise that you are doing the best by your child to not have negative people in his life.

You may have decided to give them another chance for lots of reasons, you wanted to give them the chance to be grandparents, you wanted that sort of family set up for yourself and you ds, but whatever your reasons, it's clear that it's not working.

Your child is being upset by thoughtless comments, and you are left feeling powerless in their presence. This is not good for your little family. Even if they didn't directly upset your ds, they have a negative effect on you and your emotions. There is no reason to put any of you through this. You gave it your best chance and have been as forgiving as anyone could possibly expect you to be. You would have nothing to feel guilty about if you just cut them out again.

I have some experience simelar, but by the sounds of it, not as bad. I had to cut my stepdad out of my life from the time that I left home at 17 until I was 22 and had my first dc. I, like you gave it a try, and thankfully for me, it worked. My step dad mellowed alot, and we can get on quite well now. But if it had gone the other way, I would have had no qualms about cutting him out again.

I hope that making a positive descision for yourself and your child helps you to feel stronger about the whole situation.

diddl · 27/10/2010 10:27

No grandparents is better than crap ones.

Don´t bother with them.

Original poster
lissieloucifer · 27/10/2010 15:02

thank you all, I feel that I have tried my hardest to involve them and be the bigger person,but I have had enough now. this is the last straw [hsad] [hangry]

OP posts:
GreenStinkingStumpSleeves · 27/10/2010 15:04

bin them lissie

you will feel so much better you will wonder why you didn't do it years ago

you have tried to be the decent person, you have tried to find a way of building a relationship which does nobody any damage, and good on you for trying (I tried too, for years)

but it is pearls before swine! Give your love and your energy to people who won't abuse it.

just my opinion Grin

bendybanana · 27/10/2010 15:14

If they invite you again just say you are not sure as your son was so upset by him last visit. Say you don't think it's fair on son.

LovingYummyMummy · 27/10/2010 15:20

OMG!!!!! Can't believe he said that. I can't believe you are still in contact either. Don't bother with him. He sounds like scum. You're children are your family now. You don't need people like that in your life. Stay well clear.

SkeletonFlowers · 27/10/2010 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lissieloucifer · 27/10/2010 16:33

ok, so instead of the confrontational "!youve done your best to ruin my life and i wont let you hurt my son" conversation i was planning to have with them i shall just withdraw. oddly they have been trying to ring/message me all day.

OP posts:
3thumbedwitch · 28/10/2010 08:10

lissie, I think that is the best thing to do. Cut all contact with them - they are never going to accept responsibility for the situation and any conversation you have about it is only going to make you feel worse, so let it, and them, go.
Then change your phone number and/or block them.

MUHAHAHADascheese · 28/10/2010 08:44

Lissie

If anyone else was hurting your child you would withdraw right?

Your stepfather has no more 'right' to be allowed to hurt your child than anyone else.

Please don't suject yourself or your family to any more of this toxic behaviour.

Sod them, if they are doing something you find unacceptable, walk away.

It sounds hideous though, dreaful people.

Swipe left for the next trending thread