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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's wrong to take paternity leave if it's not to support mum/baby

51 replies

splashy · 24/10/2010 01:02

My exp has taken paternity for our daughter. He however only saw her twice, refused to help at all, and didn't want to visit her anymore despite me saying he could visit whenever he wanted.

His excuses for not visiting were 'it takes him a whole hour to get here' and 'his mum needed help moving'.

Even when I called him to say I was running out of nappies and couldn't get more because I was 5 days post partum and couldn't carry buggy down 4 flights of stairs to go out to shops he refused to help.

As far as I understand it its illegal to take paternity leave when you are being a parent. Am I right? Should I report it to his work? Haven't done as don't see what I could gain from it but am angry that he got 3 weeks fully paid time off and did nothing to support either me or his daughter.

OP posts:
Tortington · 24/10/2010 01:04

i understand your anger, however you have to evaluate what you would gain by reporting it to his work.

if hes a nobber - just fuc him off, ask him for NOTHING

IMoveTheStars · 24/10/2010 01:05

"As far as I understand it its illegal to take paternity leave when you are being a parent"

Wot?

IMoveTheStars · 24/10/2010 01:06

Still not entirely sure what the OP is talking about...

Original poster
splashy · 24/10/2010 01:08

Sorry that's should say not being a parent. Ie if you are taking paternity leave you should be taking parental responsibility for the child.

OP posts:
colditz · 24/10/2010 01:08

I would, because I'm vindictive like that.

He sounds like a complete shit.

Tiredmumno1 · 24/10/2010 01:10

Yanbu

he is a plank, forget him now and concentrate on yourselves, he isnt worth your time.

i hope you have other close support

IMoveTheStars · 24/10/2010 01:12

I would imagine that because he has just become a parent, he is legally obliged to take 2 weeks paternal leave.

If he got 3 weeks paid full time then he's got a hell of a good work contract (I get 6 months full pay mat leave, but the men still only get their 2 weeks - there's equality fir you Hmm) anyway)

I think you are spouting mistruths.

Hedgeblunder · 24/10/2010 01:14

What an arse- supermarket delivery is your friend!!!

IMoveTheStars · 24/10/2010 01:18

" got 3 weeks fully paid time off "

Sorry, but nobody gets this...

colditz · 24/10/2010 01:18

You're not legally obliged to take paternity leave. That's maternity leave, you do have to take 2 weeks off after giving birth. There's no obligation if you haven't given birth.

Original poster
splashy · 24/10/2010 01:22

Hedgeblunder thanks I have just done my first tesco online order, am waiting atm.

Jareth he did get 3 weeks full paid leave, I really don't know why you are being so nasty?

To me being a parent involves more than simply conceiving a child.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 24/10/2010 01:22

It's wrong of him to become a father and to leave you high and dry. If you are going to be a father, then you should be taking responsibility for your child -- never mind the parental leave aspect.

OTOH, I'm all for eligible fathers taking paternity leave as it encourages others to do so too and so helps to reinforce the idea that employees have family needs and responsibilities and it's the responsibility of employers to have family friendly policies and not to stop them from taking what's offered.

In the long run, it's the father of the baby who will lose out despite having his little holiday, Splashy, although how horrible for you to be treated so callously. Probably hard for you to appreciate this right now though.

IMoveTheStars · 24/10/2010 01:25

I'm not being nasty. Where does he work? I was simply illustrating that where I work provides one of the best maternity leave covers in the country, but even they don't give 3 weeks full pay (and I have never come across a company that does, so please tell me who they are :) )

tbh though, if you're on your own, they you're on your own... report him or now, won't make you any better off.

Original poster
splashy · 24/10/2010 01:30

I don't want to say where he works as that really would make me too identifiable. Suffice to say he told me he got 3 weeks full pay off and I don't see why he would lie about that. Besides the length of time he has on paternity leave really doesn't make a difference to my original point. He is still taking time off for himself, not to be a father.

OP posts:
Hedgeblunder · 24/10/2010 01:34

Good good splashy! I think it's probably better if you just leave it- it's your word against his anyway and you'll be called 'hormonal' and you just don't want to get involved in nasty feuds now, you obviously have more than enough to be getting on with :) it really truly is his loss, just be glad that you are well rid of such a prick, it would be even worse if you were still together.

Hedgeblunder · 24/10/2010 01:36

Btw- my best friends dh got 3 weeks too

mathanxiety · 24/10/2010 01:47

Sad his mother won't tell him to offer you some support. You'd think a woman would have some insight into what you might need from him right now.

AScaryFuckingLemonadeDrinker · 24/10/2010 01:49

how did he get it? Doesnt he need your MAT B1 or something? Is he on birth cert.?

stealthpony · 24/10/2010 08:02

I also have several friends who have had three weeks off work for paternity leave.

He sounds like a hideous waste of space.

RockBat · 24/10/2010 08:05

DH had three paid weeks as well :)

IAPJJLPJ · 24/10/2010 08:09

My husband got two weeks full pay with his old job

Chil1234 · 24/10/2010 08:13

You said 'exp'... so you're separated? He's entitled to paternity leave simply because he's become a father... the fact that he's not using it in the spirit it was intended I don't think has much bearing on it. Make sure you get financial support from him for your child because it doesn't sound like he's planning to be involved much at all.

ForMashGetSmash · 24/10/2010 09:04

What chilli said....it would be impossible to prove he was not "being a parent" during his paternity leave because simpy by fathering a baby he is now a parent. He could argue that stress and shock had taken their toll...and he needed the three weeks to get over it all. The big nobber that he is! Is his Mum of no use at all?

RedHeels · 24/10/2010 09:19

Why don't you call his work and say in a sweetest, most apologetic voice: "Can I speak to X(D)P, please, I'm really sorry to chase him through work in a private matter, however I'm still bedridden after the birth and need to ask him to come after work to help me with x, y or z. Really????? He's taken out a paternity leave???? Oh, I better check that with him. We've hardly seen him since the baby arrived, he said he was strapped for time as it takes an hour for him to get to see the baby but I was hoping he could pop in today as I can't even lift the baby, nevermind do anything else..."

Or something along those lines. They might not retract the leave but he'll look like a right cunt but then again if the shoe fits... Get the CSA to deal with the child maintenance to make sure he won't stop the payments. Oh, and an hour isn't long to get anywhere. He just doesn't want to do it, does he...

ForMashGetSmash · 24/10/2010 09:23

Tee hee at Redheels suggestion!