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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's wrong to take paternity leave if it's not to support mum/baby

51 replies

splashy · 24/10/2010 01:02

My exp has taken paternity for our daughter. He however only saw her twice, refused to help at all, and didn't want to visit her anymore despite me saying he could visit whenever he wanted.

His excuses for not visiting were 'it takes him a whole hour to get here' and 'his mum needed help moving'.

Even when I called him to say I was running out of nappies and couldn't get more because I was 5 days post partum and couldn't carry buggy down 4 flights of stairs to go out to shops he refused to help.

As far as I understand it its illegal to take paternity leave when you are being a parent. Am I right? Should I report it to his work? Haven't done as don't see what I could gain from it but am angry that he got 3 weeks fully paid time off and did nothing to support either me or his daughter.

OP posts:
booooooooooyhoo · 24/10/2010 09:24

my exp didn't need my MATB1 for his paternity leave. he just told them the week i was due and booked it off. he is forces.

RedHeels · 24/10/2010 10:35

If you don't want to completely burn the bridges between you/the baby and him, you can still make the phone call and say: "Indeed, he mentioned he would be asking for the paternity leave but since he has almost not been around to help with the baby, I assumed he wasn't able to get it/ had to go back to work because of the workload." That way you won't lie because you'll admit he told you he would be getting the PL and you can play stupid if he pulls you up on this saying you thought he was so busy back at work that he hasn't had time for the baby.

SpookyNoise · 24/10/2010 10:38

I would be angry too, but there's nothing to be gained by contacting his work - you'll just end up sounding bitter.
Concentrate on your beautiful new baby instead Smile

Original poster
splashy · 24/10/2010 10:38

He is my exp, we are still married so I didn't say exh, though soon to be exh may be a more accurate description.

As we are still married he is on the paternity leave. Of course hasn't paid any child support, will need to go through csa as he has already tried to lie about how much the csa would oblige him to pay.

His mum is useless, without going into the whole history, I know I can't expect any help from her. She conveniently planned to move house the week baby was due and refused to pay for a removal company as her ds would help. No thought for me or her grandaughter. She visited in hospital but didn't even bring a card/present, and has offered no help whatsoever. This is her first grandchild as well. I tried calling her once to ask for help (she has a car and I needed something large for the baby to be picked up) and she didn't even answer/return my call. I knew she wouldn't help, but at least since I tried to ask she can't claim she had no idea I needed help. Loads more to story but will stop here as its getting long.

OP posts:
Original poster
splashy · 24/10/2010 10:40

Sorry meant to say as he are still married he is on the birth cert.

Am rather sleep deprived!

Also never gave him my Matb1.

OP posts:
SpookyNoise · 24/10/2010 10:40

Just let him get on with his own life and be thankful that you're no longer with him.

Original poster
splashy · 24/10/2010 10:41
  • should be as we are still married he is on the birth cert

Gah!

OP posts:
thequimreaper · 24/10/2010 16:27

Jareth the OP's ex may have taken a week of parental leave on top of his paternity leave. Whether this is paid is at the discretion of the employer. My husband took 2 weeks parental leave, after the birth, on top of his paternity leave and was paid for one week of it.

Ephiny · 24/10/2010 16:38

I understand how you feel, but I think you just have to let it go, and focus on yourself and the baby. I don't see what you gain by reporting it to his work, he hasn't done anything illegal - he's entitled to the leave unfortunately, and how a couple split their childcare duties is not the employers business or responsibility - it would just make you look petty.

fanjolina · 24/10/2010 16:47

Jareth - I'd hardly describe 6 months full mat pay as one of the best in the country. I've always received more - across 2 diff employers. And I know of many employers who give 3 weeks pat leave.

I think you should back of giving the OP a hard time - it's not warranted

QuantaCosta · 24/10/2010 16:56

Re paternity leave. he won't have done anything illegal ie against the law. However he amy have contravened some internal rules and be liable for some sort of internal discipline procedures. My company allows one weeks full and paternity leave and one week on paternity pay. It does however states the circumstances in which the father of the child is eligible and basically includes that the father will take an active part in the care of the baby etc etc and that is the purpose of the leave. If it came out that the father had used the time off to go on holiday or nothing to do with the baby then they would just be liable to misconduct sanctions (in my compnay anyway). At the end of the day they have taken leave to which they are not entitled and someone else has had to cover their work at short notice.

Having said all that I wouldn't report as it just makes you look petty and vindictive even if he's in the wrong. Enjoy your baby and take the moral high ground!

Discowife · 24/10/2010 17:00

Don't think he's done anything legally wrong-

But think he's a bastard and redheels suggestion is brilliant. At least he'll have a hard time at work when he comes back and his manager wants to know what the fuck he's been up to... Might not go in his favour when he tries to take time off for "the baby" later on too.. which shouldn't be a problem as he probably won't take any genuine time to help you will he?

Discowife · 24/10/2010 17:02

Oh and I wouldn't worry about looking petty or vindictave- to who?

His mother? him? his employer? The CSA (he's unlikely to mention it under the circumstances)

TubbyDuffs · 24/10/2010 17:10

I'm confused as to why you want to let his work know he is lying. Do you want him to lose his job? Would that benefit your child in any way?

Finn15 · 24/10/2010 17:27

Jareth, my colleague got 3 weeks fully paid paternity leave. Not all companies follow statutory terms when it comes to things like this. I think you ought to be careful coming across as so aggressive to the OP when you are only relying on your own experience.
OP your ex sounds like an arse, I hope that you have other close support.

SuchProspects · 24/10/2010 18:07

According to DirectGov, to qualify for statutory maternity leave "You must be taking the time off to support the mother or carer for the baby and intend to be fully involved in their upbringing."

So he's not keeping to his responsibilities. But his employer is giving more than the statutory amount and may have laxer policies.

Still, I don't think it's wise to raise the ante by reporting him. You have nothing to physically gain and it will be added stress at a time when you have plenty going on just trying to get him to contribute financially.

But YANBU to be really angry at him. From your description he's a nasty piece of work.

Lougle · 24/10/2010 18:18

Statutory Paternity Pay form

"You must be able to declare that.....penalties may be charged when a person....gives false information...to claim SPP"

YANBU

llareggub · 24/10/2010 18:19

I'm shocked at the attitude some of the posters have shown to the OP, a new mother, recently separated and looking here for support. Shame on you.

OP, he sounds like a bastard. You're well rid. Be thankful that he has shown his true colours.

fedupofnamechanging · 24/10/2010 18:41

Well,I wouldn't worry about coming across as bitter and would be doing everything in my power to show him up for the useless arse that he is. I'm sure his employer would be mightily pissed to think that he has taken 3 weeks paid leave so dishonestly.

It sounds like you won't be seeing much money from him anyway, so if he gets sacked it's no skin off your nose.

foreverastudent · 24/10/2010 19:45

If you are not married or living together and he is not named on the birth certificate then he has no legal right to the leave.

Girlsdad · 24/10/2010 19:52

He sounds delightful and why he became an ex !

RedHeels · 24/10/2010 19:53

Moral high ground will not pop down to the shops for the OP to get the nappies for the baby. He is probably painting himself as a dutiful father and that's supposed to be OK but if she blows a whistle on him, then she is the bad one? I don't think so. Doubtful they would sack him for that but maybe shaming him in front of colleagues will do the magic trick and he will realise what people think of his behaviour. Unfortunately some people are more ashamed of public opinion but not so much of what the people who should matter to them think. Because no one will never find out, you know.

I know it's hurtful because you know your DD is the most amazing creature ever and he doesn't want to see her but just make sure he provides for her financially and if he ever grows up, that's only a bonus. And by 'I know' I mean I know - been battling with my ex for last 6 months to make sure he sees the baby when she comes. Maybe instead of bending over backwards, tell him that because of his behaviour you don't want him to see or have any contact with the baby and watch him change his tune. When you plead with him, he feels secure he can do what he wants. The moment you will try to restrict the access, he will crap himself. Can't promise 100% guarantee but from experience worth a try. Congratulations on your little sunshine!

mathanxiety · 24/10/2010 20:35

Redheels' suggestions here are brilliant.

Original poster
splashy · 25/10/2010 19:38

thank you for the supportive messages!

redheels i do love you're suggestions, the first one did make me laugh :) i won't be calling his work, while i do love your suggestion it would be rather dishonest for me as i am fortunate enough to have pretty much fully recovered now. never wanted to call his work, was suggested to me by a friend, and wanted reassurance i wasn't being an idiot. i doubt if i called them that they would fire him, but don't want to open a can of worms! even if they did fire him it wouldn't effect my dd's support as he isn't offering any.

yes i am very happy to be rid of him, have only now realised how wrong lots of his behaviour was. am just angry that he has refused to see her even when he got paid time off to look after her! of course i think she is amazing and can't understand why he would want to miss out on such a precious time with her.

am also reassured that technically he is breaking the rules for paternity leave, and i'm sure his work wouldn't look too favourably on that if they were to know..

also redheels i'm certainly not going to be pleeding with him, if he wants to see his daughter its up to him to make the effort, and so far he has made none.

OP posts:
RedHeels · 26/10/2010 12:50

splashy I'm glad you've recovered now. As far as the financial support he isn't offering, just make sure he will be chased for it. I understand you are or will be going through a divorce so if you can afford a solicitor, they should see to it. Or if you go to the courts for the divorce, the maintenance can be court ordered. I'm sure you know all this yourself Smile, but I guess when having a small baby to take care off, it might slip down the priority list.

The best advice I was given was on the Community Legal Advice helpline. They must have "proper" solicitors volunteering there, as the woman I spoke with was very clued up, which I couldn't say the same when I went for a half an hour advice from the Law for All (she was a law student and I knew more than she did...).
www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk/
0845 345 4 345