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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be hurt that my father just proclaimed that my wedding was so unimportant he really did not see the point in going, so ....

74 replies

QuintessentialShadows · 23/10/2010 21:49

that is the reason why neither him nor my mum attended my wedding. They had to mind my sisters daughter, while she was working, so neither of them could come. I know it is more than 10 years ago, but he flung it in my face today.

We were discussing an upcoming family wedding in the us, and dh and I would like to go, as it is his close family. However, it coincides with my sisters daughters confirmation, and they would like me to stay home and host the coffee after the restaurant. Because it is important for my sisters daughter to keep in touch with family, and she has her aunts and uncles from her fathers side of the family coming.

So, my husbands side of the family is not important. My wedding to my husband was not important. (My sister got the dream wedding to her ex, all paid for by them)

I dont care about the money aspect, (although my father is bringing up that we cant afford to fly to the us, so we shouldnt. And I have taken on a second evening job to help pay for it. Which means I will no longer be able to do their weekly grocery shop. So, I understand why he is against it.

Actually, two years ago my father offered to pay for my dhs garden office, in exchange for NOT going to see my inlaws during summer holidays. (We did go, and my father did not speak to me until after the holidays)

I am probably not making much sense, but I am sad and emotional, and my life is pretty shit at the moment. Having relocated all the way up to the friggin arctic to help care for them in old age, I am so taken for granted, and mentally spat at, life is unbearable.

sorry for the rant

OP posts:
lollipopshoes · 23/10/2010 21:52

oh god, QS, I don't know what to say!

Of course you should do what you want to do and not what your family dictates you should, but it's horrible to be put in this position!

I have no advice, but much unMNetty hugs

Hedgeblunder · 23/10/2010 21:52

Go to the wedding. You don't owe them anything.
I think you need to arrange alternative care and move.

CarGirl · 23/10/2010 21:52

Shock guess your sister has always been the favourite then.

Your father sounds like he has narcisstic traits, it's all about him him him.

Just how much daylight are you getting at the moment?

Can you drop into conversation "at the moment I feel so taken for granted I may not return from the US" Wink

GeekOfTheWeek · 23/10/2010 21:53

Yanbu

your parents are bvu though.

laweaselmys · 23/10/2010 21:53

Your father sounds like a twat.

Sorry. That's probably not very helpful. But I understand why you're upset. Do what you want and screw him.

phipps · 23/10/2010 21:54

YANBU.

I can't stand it when people are so obvious about their favourites.

ChaoticAngel · 23/10/2010 21:56

YANBU

If I was you I'd find myself moving far away again. Go to the wedding and leave your sister to take care of them in their old age, seeing as she seems to be the favoured one.

sozzledchops · 23/10/2010 21:56

sounds shit! Have you always conceded and not really stood up to them?

Original poster
QuintessentialShadows · 23/10/2010 21:58

It is favouritism, isnt it. Sad

Tonight has made me re-evaluate the last decade or two.

I cant understand he can be so nasty as to flaunt in my face the unimportance of my wedding. It was such a wonderful day for us. Of course it was hurtful that the only person from MY family was my cousin....

I think that is the reason it is so important for me to go to dhs cousins wedding, as aside from his mother and brother there will be nobody else from his family. He may not care, but I do.... Somehow.

OP posts:
maktaitai · 23/10/2010 21:58

Gosh they are being unreasonable. If it's so essential that your niece sees you all at her confirmation, the confirmation date could be postponed. Fair enough if that's not a goer, in which case, your niece will see you when you get back.

Is your sister at all helpful in this, are you pulling together? Or is she unable to see what you're talking about?

Original poster
QuintessentialShadows · 23/10/2010 22:00

I have spent most of my life living in London. I left when I was only 20, so my entire adulthood was spent abroad, until we realized my mum was developing alzheimers. Then we came back.

I am pretty fed up, and keen to just let them both stew. Him paralyzed and in a wheelchair, and she with alzheimers, in a huge rambling house they are refusing to move out of, because they think others should help them to ensure they could stay.... Hmm

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/10/2010 22:03

Tell him to stuff it, Quint. Go to the wedding.

Original poster
QuintessentialShadows · 23/10/2010 22:03

My sister is being like my father in this.

They live abroad too, and her plan is to book the restaurant, come home for the confirmation, whereas I have organized the coffee and cake for 20 people at MY house (as it would be impossible for our mum to have it at theirs, as she is frail) so it will be ME sourcing saucers and matching serviettes Angry, baking and ordering cakes.
That is her plan. Of course, me not being here will ruin all that.

She says if I am not here, she will cancel the confirmation and it will be my fault that her daughter is not confirmed. Grrr.

OP posts:
lizziemun · 23/10/2010 22:03

Yanbu.

I also bet you do everything for your parents and you sister does as little as possible. But gets all the praise.

Go to your dh family wedding and enjoy yourselves.

PenelopeTitsDropped · 23/10/2010 22:03

I'm guessing that you're Catholic.

Original poster
QuintessentialShadows · 23/10/2010 22:04

Thanks guys. I will go watch a movie.

OP posts:
purits · 23/10/2010 22:04

"my sisters daughters confirmation, and they would like me to stay home and host the coffee after the restaurant"

Whyb should you play the hostess? If he thinks it is so important he can do it.

lizziemun · 23/10/2010 22:04

Sorry x-post.

Yep your family seem to think your their servant.

Original poster
QuintessentialShadows · 23/10/2010 22:05

Actually, my dhs family is catholic, and my sister converted when she was a teen. So, we went through the whole communion palaver for my niece. and cousins wife is also catholic, so big catholic american wedding.

OP posts:
PenelopeTitsDropped · 23/10/2010 22:06

Did you marry out side your faith ?

nomedoit · 23/10/2010 22:06

A couple of questions...

  1. Why were you paying for their shopping?
  2. Where is your sister?
CarGirl · 23/10/2010 22:08

I would point out to your sister that if you had been asked then you would have been happy to host coffee as a confirmation gift to your niece and you are still happy to do so if they can schedule to come over when you are going to be there!

What rankles with me is that your sister isn't interested in your nieces spiritual welfare only in having the party bit afterwards presumably at your expense?

maktaitai · 23/10/2010 22:08

Oh for goodness sake. Call her bluff. It's funny how religious ceremonies do sometimes seem to bring out the worst in people. So what if your niece is confirmed six months later, or if someone else runs the coffee thing? What about all the other family members it's so important for the niece to see - couldn't they pitch in, if your sister is disabled and unable to do it herself (can't see any other reason why she's not doing it now)? could you very kindly still allow them to use your house while you're away, perhaps?

Make sure you take loads of pictures of yourselves having a great time at the wedding and inflict them on your family, plus have loads up in frames as soon as you get home.

purits · 23/10/2010 22:09

"She says if I am not here, she will cancel the confirmation"

Isn't that a win-win? You get to go to the US wedding and also get to go to the confirmation when it is re-arranged.
Why are you supposed to put yourself out for your sister. Is this the same one that didn't come to your wedding (i presume she wasn't there if your parents were babysitting her DD)

phipps · 23/10/2010 22:11

Quint I had one relative at my wedding and just 3 friends. Was a bit upset at the time and ashamed but years late, right now, don't care. I have the best DH in the world.

let me be so bold as to offer you a bit of advice - from now on ask yourself will this make me happy, is this the best thing for me, and if not then you know what to do.Smile

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