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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be hurt that my father just proclaimed that my wedding was so unimportant he really did not see the point in going, so ....

74 replies

QuintessentialShadows · 23/10/2010 21:49

that is the reason why neither him nor my mum attended my wedding. They had to mind my sisters daughter, while she was working, so neither of them could come. I know it is more than 10 years ago, but he flung it in my face today.

We were discussing an upcoming family wedding in the us, and dh and I would like to go, as it is his close family. However, it coincides with my sisters daughters confirmation, and they would like me to stay home and host the coffee after the restaurant. Because it is important for my sisters daughter to keep in touch with family, and she has her aunts and uncles from her fathers side of the family coming.

So, my husbands side of the family is not important. My wedding to my husband was not important. (My sister got the dream wedding to her ex, all paid for by them)

I dont care about the money aspect, (although my father is bringing up that we cant afford to fly to the us, so we shouldnt. And I have taken on a second evening job to help pay for it. Which means I will no longer be able to do their weekly grocery shop. So, I understand why he is against it.

Actually, two years ago my father offered to pay for my dhs garden office, in exchange for NOT going to see my inlaws during summer holidays. (We did go, and my father did not speak to me until after the holidays)

I am probably not making much sense, but I am sad and emotional, and my life is pretty shit at the moment. Having relocated all the way up to the friggin arctic to help care for them in old age, I am so taken for granted, and mentally spat at, life is unbearable.

sorry for the rant

OP posts:
sozzledchops · 23/10/2010 22:11

quint - you will be treated how you allow yourself to be treated. Know it's hard and there is guilt and the possible fallout to deal with but you have already moved back to help out while your sister stays abroad, don't let her guilt trip you. Only you can decide what decision you can live with. Please them and seethe or please yourself.

deste · 23/10/2010 22:11

What is the problem in asking the restaurant to serve the cake there. If there are a few of them there and spending a bit of money I'm sure they wont object. Go to America and have a lovely time. You owe them nothing. Let your sister cancel the confirmation, which I dont think will happen.

ChaoticAngel · 23/10/2010 22:12

No, it won't be your fault if your niece doesn't get confirmed. If your sister chooses to cancel and not rearrange then it's her fault.

If I were you I'd put care in place for your parents and move far away. Your dad and your sister sound selfish, self centred and toxic [hangry]

Thingumy · 23/10/2010 22:13

My father didn't attend our wedding,he had booked a holiday with his partner Hmm.

It worked out OK as I didn't want his partner there (she hates my mother) but will always feel sad that my dad didn't give me away and enjoy our special day.

His lovely partner turned it around a few months after a wedding and said we didn't invite them-my father knew the date all along.

Sorry you are feeling low Quint.Allow yourself to be angry but please don't let yourself be eaten up by it.

expatinscotland · 23/10/2010 22:18

Oh, please! Then she'll cancel it. So let ehr! Don't let her emotionally blackmail you. WTF. How selfish, not to even consider your DH's family and his feelings.

expatinscotland · 23/10/2010 22:18

Selfish of her, I mean.

Tootlesmummy · 23/10/2010 22:22

I would let her do away and cancel if that's what she wants to do. She is trying to emotionally blackmail you like Expat said. Don't fall for it!

LionOnTheFloorInAPoolOfBlood · 23/10/2010 22:27

Sorry QS, sounds like they are all determined to shit on you from a great height. Where are your feelings been considered in all of this? Don't let them treat you like a doormat, seems like you have been more than loyal enough, do something for youself this time. It won't be the end of the world.

HalfTermHero · 23/10/2010 22:32

Oh QS, you sound very put upon. I truly hope that there is a God and that you get your reward in Heaven Sad

NadiaWadia · 23/10/2010 22:36

YANBU

How is a confirmation as important as a wedding?

And why on earth was your own wedding so 'unimportant' your parents didn't attend? That was just mean.

Your parents sound very selfish, TBH. Don't let yourself be ground down by them!

CaptainNancy · 23/10/2010 22:44

Ah QS- you should go to the wedding. DOn't let your sister guilt-trip you into not going.

Squitten · 23/10/2010 22:53

Ok, so looks like you have a choice:

Either you have a nice trip to the States and get to have a good time at a nice wedding or you can stay home and spend your time and effort hosting an event for your thoroughly obnoxious and ungrateful family, none of whom will express any appreciation or thanks (I'm guessing)

It really is a no-brainer! Stop being a doormat for thse people

littlemama · 23/10/2010 22:54

I second all the previous posts. Some people will use you, without even thinking of your feelings, unless YOU prevent them from taking advantage.

The way forward is to think for yourself, try not to be influenced by what they demand of you.

You can look after the needs of your parents without being controlled by them (shopping- perhaps an internet grocery delivery? Visits as often as YOU feel is acceptable). Take control. You know they are being unreasonable.

Also, it's easy to be the favourite if you live far away! Your sister sounds like a cow. She could easily rearrange.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 23/10/2010 22:56

Blimey Quint that is harsh :(

I would sod the lot of them and go to the wedding, your sister is behaving like a spoilt little madam.

IggitheImpaler · 23/10/2010 23:25

QS, you don't know me but I remember reading your thread yonks back about what you had given up to care for your parents. I know that doesn't mean they should thank you for it every single day, but the amount of shit you are being expected to put up with - they have such a sense of entitlement, when they should be wanting their children to have fulfilling lives of their own.
Go to the states, not as much for the wedding as to assert your independence and make it clear that your DH is a priority too, not just your ungrateful parents.

curlymama · 23/10/2010 23:28

Go to the wedding, because it's more than obvious that you want to.

Same with anything else you are expected to do for them, only do it if you genuinely want to.

I'm making a huge assumption here, but wouldn't your DH be pretty pissed off if he couldn't go to this wedding? He has already done a good thing and moved so that you can help care for your parents, but I'd have thought he can see how much you are put on, and would be a bit gutted if you put your sisters ridiculous and unreasonable demands ahead of his family wedding. If so, you owe it to your DH to put him, and yourself, first here.

LadyLatherOfIndecision · 23/10/2010 23:36

Go to the wedding Quint

The rest of 'em can shove it up their arses

IYSWIM

RockBat · 23/10/2010 23:46

Definitely time for the worm to turn QS. If you back down on this then they really do have you by the short and curlies once and for all. You deserve better from them. Do what you want to to, stuff them.

LittleMissHissyFangs · 24/10/2010 00:00

QS, this is not just favouritism, this is control too.. To pay for the garden office in exchange for you NOT going to visit the inlaws.

What if the shoe were on the other foot and your inlaws were bribing you not to see your parents. How would they feel then?

God, if you hadn't have gone and your IL found out why, it would be mortifying!

I think in view of his comments, you are well justified to say, sorry, we will go to the wedding, and cite DH sacrifice.

If your sister is so much the favourite, perhaps you can leave the parents care to her...

Put those that love you for you, first, love your DH. You have given so much and they are throwing it back in your face.

If you can't flounce and leave and pursue your own life, then FGS, you don't have to take this.

The phrase 'No is a complete sentence' has cropped up a few times today. It's applicable here.

Rhinestone · 24/10/2010 00:51

Wow, and I thought mine were rather obvious with their favouritism. (Refused to pay the train fare for my visit to my preferred university open yet drove my sister 4 hours to hers Hmm / didn't do anything for my 21st yet hired a limo and booked a swanky restaurant on London for my sisters...I could go on!)

Stand up to them. As Oprah says, "You teach people how to treat you." Teach them that your life with your DH and your wants come first from now on.

IMoveTheStars · 24/10/2010 00:57

Why the fuck are you putting up with this shit? They want you to serve coffee?? They paid for your Sister's wedding and weren't interested in yours? Sorry... the reason you still talk to them is?

:(:(

IMoveTheStars · 24/10/2010 00:58

ditch the miserable bastards :(

Tortington · 24/10/2010 01:03

ditto

IMoveTheStars · 24/10/2010 01:07

[waves at Custy]

Tortington · 24/10/2010 01:08

[waves back]

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