to be hurt that my father just proclaimed that my wedding was so unimportant he really did not see the point in going, so ....

[QuintessentialShadows]

that is the reason why neither him nor my mum attended my wedding. They had to mind my sisters daughter, while she was working, so neither of them could come. I know it is more than 10 years ago, but he flung it in my face today.

We were discussing an upcoming family wedding in the us, and dh and I would like to go, as it is his close family. However, it coincides with my sisters daughters confirmation, and they would like me to stay home and host the coffee after the restaurant. Because it is important for my sisters daughter to keep in touch with family, and she has her aunts and uncles from her fathers side of the family coming.

So, my husbands side of the family is not important. My wedding to my husband was not important. (My sister got the dream wedding to her ex, all paid for by them)

I dont care about the money aspect, (although my father is bringing up that we cant afford to fly to the us, so we shouldnt. And I have taken on a second evening job to help pay for it. Which means I will no longer be able to do their weekly grocery shop. So, I understand why he is against it.

Actually, two years ago my father offered to pay for my dhs garden office, in exchange for NOT going to see my inlaws during summer holidays. (We did go, and my father did not speak to me until after the holidays)

I am probably not making much sense, but I am sad and emotional, and my life is pretty shit at the moment. Having relocated all the way up to the friggin arctic to help care for them in old age, I am so taken for granted, and mentally spat at, life is unbearable.

sorry for the rant

Bullying is wrong. Whoever it comes from. Don't be bullied QS.

QS - I agree with the others!

Go to the wedding.

Organise carers for your parents.

Move futher away - have less to do with your very toxic father.

Tell your sister to fuck off re-arrange the whatsit if she wants to have it as you wont be there on that date. If she chooses to cancel instead - that's her problem.

Go to the US, enjoy the wedding!!

Your Father is being a controlling, manipulative bully - don't allow him to do it.

Thanks guys. I can see what you are all saying.

It is beginning to feel rather toxic and controlling. I did not know this when I still lived in London, as I was only home for the holidays, I never got to see this side to my father. Although, my sister kept moaning about it. Now that she lives in Spain, she has the same relationship with him as I had when I lived in London, to be honest. He used to behave appallingly to her when she lived in the same town, like he does to me now. And now that she lives away, he is meek like a sheep.

Funny dynamics.

My mother is lovely, but Alzheimers have taken much of her mind and her reasoning powers, so I cannot rely on her to side with me and call him on his atrocities the way she would before.

We have had debacles before, in the end he has called me to apologize, blaming his brain not working the way it should, due to his stroke.

He might be right.

I dont know what to do though.

I have been househunting online yesterday and today, desperate to come back to London.

It is not easy though, as the kids absolutely love it here.
It is not so easy to find carers for my parents. They are working against me on every turn. My mum is refusing any help, saying she does not need it. Realistically this means it will have to be ME, because I cant leave my own parents to starve without any food in the house. She would not know what to shop. And my father cant shop.

There is no online shopping service here, sadly.

If you feel you must help them with their daily life, at least do not be a doormat.
There is no reason you cannot continue to live your own life too. Go to the wedding, (sounds like you are decided firmly on that :)) Your sister should be arranging her own daughters events, not you.
If your mother thinks she doesn't need help, maybe not getting it will help them decide to make a positive step for themselves?

Have you considered talking to your father about them selling the house and moving to a seniors residence? There are very nice ones, with their own private apt., but with professional staff who can take care of their needs.
Or hire someone else to do their shopping while you work, place an ad in the paper, or ask at their church if someone would be able to do their shopping. Do they have someone to do the cleaning and cooking, or is your dad able to do that ok?
Good luck.

You need to hire them a carer. You need to put a barrier/a tier of care between you and them.

Otherwise this is not going to get any better, and you will end up truly hating them for it. Which can be avoided.

QS, you must be under a huge amount of stress trying to care for your ill parents and your own family at the same time.

Alzheimers will, and a stroke can, alter someones personality for the worst. However while your parents' hurtful behaviour may not be intentional ( were they like this before they were ill ? ) it is very hard to live with.

You absolutely cannot take on the role of ful time carer. It would not be good for you, your family or your parents in the long run.

Your mother most definitely is going to require proper full time professional care as alzeheimers takes control. And your father is incapable of independent living. I imagine that loss of independence is a very hard thing to come to terms with and may contribute to his difficult ways.

In the meantime if you can find a part time carer use one. Present it a fait accompli and just don't be available to your parents when the carer is around. You have to stand firm on this and ignore feelings of saddness and guilt . They cannot cope without you and will have to come to terms with new arrangements no matter how reluctantly.

It would be a good idea to look into residential nursing homes at this stage. And the legalities of a power of attorney etc. Unfortunately you are entering a period of your life where you make the decisions for your parents.

With regards to the confirmation tell your sister you've booked the wedding and unfortunately cannot attend/host coffee. End of . No negotiations. No guilt.

Go to the wedding in the US.
Your parents are nasty users and want to control you and belittle your DH.
Let them get their own shopping, or better still they can ask your bloody wonderful sister or niece to get it for them

Oh dear, you are, without a doubt "scapegoat child", do google it, as it comes up with all sorts of sites about toxic families. My father was "scapegoat" couldn't ever do a thing right and yet still expected to sort out everything and pay for his parents too. After watching him go through that all his life with my hateful granny I would say to you:
pack it in, leave, don't bother with them, they are horrible, you deserve better, go to the wedding, tell father he is a git, leave them to your adored sister, she can earn the adoration, stop trying to be nice and considerate to people who are not nice or considerate to you.

My dad was so nice, and his mum treated him like shit, and because he was nice, she knew she could get away with it. 60 years he had that and I witnessed a lot of it and I wish he'd told her to her face what a bag she really was.

Age concern have a shopping service in lots of areas - why not get in contact with them (do anyway as they have lots of help and advice to offer). We set things up for my FIL like this he lives some distance away (and is not very pleasant to spend a lot of time with for not dissimilar reasons)... and go to the wedding in the US. Your situation sounds very controlling and unhappy.

Sadly we dont have an "age concern" here, in the north of Norway, and we dont have sheltered housing, or private nursing homes, like you do in the UK. We have state run nursing homes, and the waiting lists can be as much as two years. It is the "patient" themselves who apply to be put on a waiting list, so I cant do this for them. There is a great sense of "right to decide over ones own care and destiny", so healthcare cannot be sought on behalf of somebody else.

I am battling with both the council, the doctors, the home nurses (who come and give medicines twice a day and take my father out of bed), and with my parents.

I thought I had come some way when I managed to get my father onto a course of six weekly meetings with a combination of a lecture by a health professional/doctor/researcher within Alzheimer and Alzheimer care, followed by discussions in small groups for spouses. At least he cannot keep his head in the sand any more, and he does see that they cannot live at home for ever.

Yet they are not willing to move, not willing to accept outside help from other than the home nurses and, of course me, or my mums older sister who is a sprightly 78 year old.....

They have lost all sense, other than a sense of entitlement. They seem to think people feel honoured to be allowed to help them...

Anyhow. I am just sad and disillusioned.

They do have a weekly cleaner. But I am not sure if he actually comes, or my parents forget he has been. He has been a little unreliable in the past.

Tell the cleaner to text you before he goes so that you can relay anything specific that needs doing.

Your parents will never change. Although they are unwell now, this wasn't always the case, so you can't put all the blame for their mistreatment of you onto their health. Not attending your wedding was an awful thing to do to you. You know that they will never be any different. The only life you can have any control over is your own. If you continue to allow this kind of behaviour from your parents, they will continue to behave as they do at present.

It's hard to just cut them off, so in your position I would have one last discussion about their future care needs.They ought to sell the house and move somewhere more manageable. You need to make it very clear that you won't be their full time carer, that you have DCs of your own to look after. If they refuse to co- opoerate, then I think you should leave them to it.

Go to the wedding. Your sister can make her own arrangements. Your neices confirmation is not your responsibility and your whole family need to hear this from you.

My sister has made it very clear that she will be very hurt, as will my niece, if we go to the wedding rather than the confirmation. Me and dh are her Godparents. Dh is her only Catholic godparent This matters a lot to my sister. There are also other family issues with my sister and her ex's family, and she says she needs me there as a buffer. (think dv, abduction and court cases) So I can understand her from that perspective.

It will be possible for us to do both, as there are actually 2 weeks between each event, turns out the confirmation is on a different date than we first thought. We have reached a sort of compromise, where she can use our house while we are away, to start making preparations, she can order cakes. I will bake and freeze a few sponges prior to going, and she will decorate them. And we will be back on the friday/saturday, and attend the confirmation on the sunday, though coffee will be at our house, but she will have sorted things while we are away.

As for my parents, we are not full time carers, in that I dont live there and do everything. I have a full time job, and live 15 minutes drive away. I am there 2 -3 days per week, in addition to sitting on the phone and arranging things related to them, writing letters regards their care, keeping track of all their appointments, arranging visitors for my mum when my father is attending his course, so it is keeping me very busy.

I have suggested moving for a long time. They are refusing.

My father despises me for not being as money oriented as he is, he has several hundred thousands in the bank, which he is refusing to spend, plus no mortgage on the house. He says I should aim to be the same, and he is blowing a fuse every time we go on holiday (once a year) as it is unnecessary and a waste of money. I dont have the same values as him. I value holidays and experiences before money in the bank.

I should tell him that if I had his money oriented values, I would not be here and care for them. I would still be in London, as we are effectively losing out nearly £20k per year in higher taxes, loss of tax credits and other fees, our uk salaries dwindling into nothing in the currency conversion, while everything cost a lot more here. At the same time we are not exactly advancing our careers being here. So, really he should be happy that I dont place the same importance on money as he does. And I have not made this choice and come and spend time with them in old age just to have my head bitten off and be rubbished on a regular basis. I might follow his advice and earn more money, but then I will do so back in London.

I dont know. I just want to have it said.

Glad you've reached a compromise with your sister. Sounds like a good result there.

Wrt your parents, I think that as their health deteriorates you will find yourself doing more than you do at the moment. I think this current way of life is not fair on you or your DH. Must be hard for him too to give up a certain way of life, to watch you doing so much and get nothing but hassle from the very people you are trying to help.

They are not destitute, dependant upon you for help. They have money and resources, they just would rather hang onto them and put pressure on you.

I honestly think that the best thing for you to do is live the life that you and your DH want to live and not have it dictated by your parents. However much you do for them, it will never be enough in their eyes.

Whatever you decide, good luck and best wishes

I think you should write to your father and tell him that you have decided to take his advice to have as much money in the bank as quickly as possible and in order to do so are moving back to the UK as soon as possible and you will no longer be wasting money on flights in order to come and visit them.

See what he responds to that?

Very apt cargirl, as I spoke to my mother today, and she said they had decided against going to my wedding as they would have to go by plane and did not want to take the expense of flying....

I told her I did not actually feel very hurt at the time, but for my father to boast about this to my face was very hurtfult.

Seeing as she has alzheimers, I doubt she remembered much about our conversation afterwards. But she was adamant that people would just have to put up with elderly people because they are old, and you cant expect anything else.

karmabeliever, they are not destitute at all. They keep saying they cant spend any money because they need to save it for care in the future. Yet, wont pay anybody to come and take them shopping. Why would they, when I can do it for free....

Eek Quint I think you just need to distance yourself a little more, go down to 2 visits per week because "you are too busy earning money to visit them"

In hindsight do you think you went out there hoping to build a warm loving relationship with them only to realise that actually your father just isn't capable of it??

Big hugs it sounds horrendous.

Quint, I've read about your parents before and I cannot for the life of me understand why you don't move away, say screw you and the horse you rode in on and turn your back on them.

You're a very nice, caring person.

But you should save that caring nature for those who deserve it.

These people take the piss and you don't deserve to be walked all over and despised by them to boot.

Go to the wedding and tell your sis if she wants to use your house then she should rearrange the do for a more suitable date. Why didn't she check out your availability b4 hand if she wa so keen for you to host. Silly woman.

It sounds to me like your parents are very bitter, unfair and ungrateful people. Can you just leave them to stew in their own juices? My MIL acts as mad as a hatter and DH and I try to just quietly laugh at their ways - I think we could get upset other wise.

So your sister didn't come to your wedding, but you're expected to cancel your plans to cater her daughter's confirmation? Stuff it.

Tell your Dad that the confirmation just isn't that important to you [hwink]

Then move somewhere you'd actually like to live and your parents will have to find a home that caters to their needs instead of taking advantage of you. If they can't be arsed to be nice to you, or even attend your wedding (unbelievable!), they don't deserve you giving up your life to look after them.

I would have thought health care was far superior in Scandinavia, but after reading your posts QS, I'll never give out about the HSE Ireland or NHS!

You definitely have to go to the wedding. With all their money, they could afford to have a couple of nurses mind them 24/7 for the duration of their holiday. What is the point of them hoarding this money - so they can pass it on to your sister?

I am very disillusioned with them. There is no apology forthcoming from my father. I have spent 4 hours on the phone in total over the last two days, regarding my mums care, and I have "babysat" her while my father went to his evening seminar. No appreciation from him.

I am pissed off, and pretty ready to move back to London and leave them to it. I cant handle much more now. The whole situation is getting to me and I have not been able to focus on work the entire week. I am interrupted by phone calls relating to mum ever so often anyway.

He takes so little interest in her care that even though I TOLD him when her apt for the orthopaedic surgeon was, he did not bother reminding her, so let her go with her sister to rebook to a timeslot not convenient for me to take her. It is all a muddle. And who has to call and rearrange? It is doing my head in.

To your father "I have finally seen the light, money IS important, we're moving back to London".
and
"you managed without us when we visited inlaws last year and you manage on the days we are not here. You'll manage, or realise you need some extra help. I'll be in London if you need me to make some calls for you to help with your arrangements."

To your sister "sorry that it's inconvenient to attend a family wedding and support a happy occasion instead of serving your biscuits".

"No" is a great word. And as someone said in another post recently to someone else who was insanely taken advantage of by her family in a similar way, "No I can't" is open to cajoling and argument. "No I don't want to" is very difficult to argue with.

Can you be fabulously unavailable for a while to enable them to see how much you do for them?

V cross on your behalf

Cinderella, much?

They are all being unreasonable. And horrible to you. Stop letting them.

Go spend time with your husband's (from the sound of it) lovely family, and sod your sour, selfish, manipulative, ungrateful relatives.