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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want sympathy for loss of son?

55 replies

Theincrediblesulk1 · 23/10/2010 19:30

I was just reading a rather horrid thread that was saying people make up the loss of children on here

I take it i am not alone in not actually being interested in sympathy from people! I am glad i had his for the little bit of time he was here!

I am sure i am not alone in this, And because i am talking about him, just means i want to talk about him!?

Aibu?

OP posts:

sixpercenttruejedi · 23/10/2010 19:33

YANBU but with regards to the other thread...least said, soonest mended I think.

ragged · 23/10/2010 19:35

There are attention-seeking fantasists on the Internet, most of them harmless, but sometimes annoying. I've caught one or two out.

I am not saying that's anything to do with you, btw!!! I'm afraid that it's easy to give in to cynicism, though.

Is it ok for me to say I'm sorry to hear of your loss? I'm happy to read all about him and how lovely he was, too.

Original poster

Theincrediblesulk1 · 23/10/2010 19:35

True true! But it made me wonder how people really view people like me who have experienced losses.

OP posts:

Original poster

Theincrediblesulk1 · 23/10/2010 19:36

He was beautiful

OP posts:

ragged · 23/10/2010 19:36

I dunno, I take people for face value until they say lots of things that don't square together. Then I start to feel . I'm sure most of us are like that.

(psssst, what other thread is this you guys are talking about?)

Ninks · 23/10/2010 19:37

Do you want to talk about your son? Forget the other thread, water under the bridge and all that...

You don't have to be considered to be after sympathy by wanting to, as you say, be glad that he was here and that you knew him for that short while x

spikeycow · 23/10/2010 19:37

Well, me personally, I don't see grieving mothers as fragile little dollies. You've been through the worst that could happen. But I think people should be led by what that person wants.

Ilythia · 23/10/2010 19:39

YANBU, as that is your right.
YABU to let that stupid fucking troll get to you though.
I am sorry for your loss though

Original poster

Theincrediblesulk1 · 23/10/2010 19:39

( a mean one that was pulled)

I really don't think like that myself, I would feel really sorry for someone who would come onto the net and make up things that had happened to them, it really would be saying something about their mental state. Very sad indeed.

OP posts:

Shaddapayaface · 23/10/2010 19:42

Thing is when people go on and on about something it does sometimes appear they are looking for sympathy. Sorry about your son must be heartbreaking, but maybe not bringing it up so much wouldnt make people think they need to offer sympathy if you get what I mean?

Original poster

Theincrediblesulk1 · 23/10/2010 19:43

Hello Ninks, i do speak about him on here, it was his birthday recently and i was very upset, more than usual and i was on here (or netmums, cant remember) I just never thought someone would view a thread that way before that other thread, its opened my eyes a bit.

spikeycow, i agree completely, if i survived him going i could survive anything

Ilythia, thank you x

OP posts:

WhoAteAgentZigzagsBrain · 23/10/2010 19:44

To say that you feel compassion for the person who posted that thread just shows what part of them are missing.

But you really shouldn't even wonder whether people are thinking like that, 99.9% of the people on here don't and that 0.01% (that's right isn't it?? ) are here for reasons of their own and don't mind leeching off vulnerable people for their kicks.

spikeycow · 23/10/2010 19:44

I don't think it appears they want sympathy. Who could be more sorry than that person themselves? They might just want to get things off their chest, especially if they can't talk to family

Original poster

Theincrediblesulk1 · 23/10/2010 19:46

Shaddapayaface i do know what you mean, i suppose i have not been on here long so i don't see the recurring threads. But if someone is "talking" on here and ridding themselves of guilt and sadness, surely that is a good thing.

OP posts:

WhoAteAgentZigzagsBrain · 23/10/2010 19:47

Posters can post what they like Shaddapa, unless of course it's offending and hurting bereaved people.

SecretNutellaFix · 23/10/2010 19:47

I am of the opinion that people who speak about their lost family members are doing so to keep the memories alive, and that should be encouraged. I don't see them as wanting sympathy- just a chance to talk about their child as everyone else does.

Shaddapayaface · 23/10/2010 19:48

Its not just children some people are like it with 'oh my grannys neighbours friends second cousin twice removed died- its affected me so badly...' like grief tourism if you get what I mean. I do think people should talk about their loss though, death is after all part of life nothing taboo that should be kept hush hush.

WhoAteAgentZigzagsBrain · 23/10/2010 19:51

I'm not sure anyone can make a judgement on what can upset people shaddapa, some get upset at their cat dying whereas others might not like to acknowledge their feelings as being worthy.

Original poster

Theincrediblesulk1 · 23/10/2010 19:53

Shaddapayaface i do get what you are saying, however people lives are complicated, and we feel attached to people who may be virtual strangers in that regard. We have connections with people that are difficult to explain, I knew a boy very briefly, who was murdered by his dad, and i was very affected by what happened, as i felt i should have befriended him, and i think of him all the time.

OP posts:

MsKalo · 23/10/2010 19:54

This makes me want to cry for you as I cannot imagine your pain. I think it is awful when people say that those who write about their loss here are looking for sympathy etc. You have been through something I can't even bear to think about and my heart goes out to you and you do whatever you need to do to survive. I am so sorry for your loss and I wish you the very best and I hope you can tell us more about your boy x

EsioTrot · 23/10/2010 19:54

YA definitely NBU...surely an anonymous internet forum is exactly the right setting to be able to discuss issues or emotions we don't feel comfortable talking about in RL or to find support and understanding from others who have been in similar situations?

Please don't let a stranger who obviously has their own agenda and issues impact on the way you use MN or any other forum/support network.

I know you don't want my sympathy but I can't help but be sorry for your loss.

Original poster

Theincrediblesulk1 · 23/10/2010 19:58

Mskalo, it was more of a massive realisation that people, unlike me, don't always just take what people have said as the truth iykwim. Don't worry i will talk all i need, i am not really put out by the thread, just a bit shocked at the stance of it.

Esio Trot thanks for your support x

OP posts:

maryz · 23/10/2010 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IggitheImpaler · 23/10/2010 20:44

I am confused - why is looking for sympathy wrong? (Unless you're lying about something bad happening to you of course). Surely we all post at times when we just need some sympathy & understanding?

IggitheImpaler · 23/10/2010 20:44

I am confused - why is looking for sympathy wrong? (Unless you're lying about something bad happening to you of course). Surely we all post at times when we just need some sympathy & understanding?

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