To not want sympathy for loss of son?

[Theincrediblesulk1]

I was just reading a rather horrid thread that was saying people make up the loss of children on here

I take it i am not alone in not actually being interested in sympathy from people! I am glad i had his for the little bit of time he was here!

I am sure i am not alone in this, And because i am talking about him, just means i want to talk about him!?

Aibu?

Sympathy is just a form of interest. Being interested is never a bad thing.

I can't imagine being grateful for what I did have if I lost my child. I can only imagine feeling desperately sad. I don't really like to dwell on it.

How anyone could invent such a tragic loss is really beyond me - it would feel like tempting fate (although I'm really not that superstitious).

I can see why you'd want to remember and cherish the life that was, rather than steep it all in pity and suchlike.

Iggietheimpaler, didnt say its wrong, its just not what i personally am searching for when i talk about my son.

Tealandbiscuit, its not that it annoys me if people are sympathetic, i frankly am comforted when people say they feel for my ds and our family. Its the implication that you would only talk about a passed child if you wanted attention or something.

Oh, I think only the very unfeeling would suggest that. Crikey, it's not attention-seeking to want to talk about a loved one.

You obviously do want to talk about Him, otherwise you would not have started this thread.

Tell us about Him The incediblesulk

Are you being serious about the other thread? I can't believe that anyone would do that. I assume it was reported??

The incediblesulk I think the problem often is that people don't really know what to say/how to say if/when to say it etc etc etc. A friend of mine lost a baby boy at 23 weeks and I had a hard time knowing how to talk to her about it, made worse by the fact that I was pregnant at the same time. I don't think she wanted sympathy for loss of son but more for people to acknolwdge him.....although she didn't name him or have a funeral as such so this was/is hard.....I still don't know what to say 8 months on...

but no YANBU although I do have massive sympathy for the loss of your son IYSWIM

I know exactly what you mean incredible.

I always get sympathy when I post about DD and its lovely, people are genuine and their comments are touching.

Its not why I post though. I do it because I want to talk about my DD. I suppose it could be seen as attention seeking. I have posted about her on a couple of threads today. It can make a thread stop in its tracks.

But we just want people to know about our kids. Its so important because noone new is ever going to meet her now. Its up to me to make sure everyone knows just how bloody amazing she was.

And eveyone else gets to talk about their kids dont they?

It struck me when Gordon Brown was criticised for talking about his little girl. Where people because he did a touchy feely interview? Fair enough. Where they because he mentioned his DD who died? Not ok. He spoke about his other children, why not her?

I do sometimes wonder if people on here think 'her she goes again'. In the nicest possible way - I dont need your sympathy, it doesnt change anything, she is still dead however nice people are.

But that doesnt mean I dont appreciate it.

Clear? Nope

I once posted on a US forum about things going on in my life. There was a lot of horrible stuff all at once, and I guess maybe it sounded implausible but it was all true. One poster came on and basically implied that I'd made it all up and said "bring on the violins". It still rankles, ten years later, I only had posted because I had no other outlet and it was all too much and I wanted sympathy.

As a consequence, if I think someone has made something up, I say nothing. Because I always wonder about the person who hasn't who gets kicked in the teeth like I was.

MrsDaffodill that is awful what happened to you - there are some really nasty people out there. I wish I could say something of comfort to you and to 'incredible', all I can say is how very sorry I am for your loss

I would encourage anyone to come on here and talk about their child and get sympathy if that is what is needed. Sometimes people in RL lose the ability to continue to "talk" about the loss of someone. It isn't sympathy fatigue (god I hope not anyway!) but I think sometimes if you haven't been through something you don't know what to say, how long to bring something up or not etc etc.

I don't know how people coped prior to things like anonymous or not forums to be able to speak about something that has hurt so much, it is cathartic. However I guess it can also be more difficult as many people will need to know the whole story again and again as they are the new people who have no history of it.

I am very much the "gullible" one, I seem to think that everything is plausible or true and many posts on mn that I have posted advice on have ended up being trolls (whoopiedoo!), I have been on the bereaved mummy threads because I wanted to see how someone from my antenatal thread has been doing and because I know that although she pops by occasionally it must be so hard that we all have little ones and that she should have one here and now. I read, I feel sympathy, I don't post because I just don't know what to say and because I know I shouldn't be there.

If that is the way someone gets their "kicks", it must be a sorry life as although you can get sympathy in bucket loads on the internet if you need it/want it it doesn't replace the friend holding your hand or a hug from your partner, and for that reason why on earth would you want to make it all up? Besides to do it convincingly you would really struggle to keep your story up wouldn't you?

I don't understand those people who would want to troll about it and I really don't understand those who would ever insinuate that those who find comfort talking to each other and about their lost loved ones, would make it up. Surely it can't be "oneupmanship" on how a lost child has passed away, a loss of any child under any circumstances is a tragedy.

I hope those who have lost don't feel put off about coming here to discuss your children.

well said mrs devere

my ds was stillborn so I dont have the happy memories that some bereaved mummies do

But if any bereaved mummy wants to say eg I remember taing ds/dd to the zoo then it shouldnt be the huge deal it always is.

A simple .. thats a nice memory for you to have would suffice.. its not rocket science

I don't see talking about a lost one as sympathy seeking.

I see it as keeping memories alive. Famies and friends have heard them several times and maybe have their own grief to deal with.

Talking about our babies and children who have died is emotional but often wonderful cos' it's the nearest to getting to touch them again. For those doing the listening - it can be pretty hard.

MrsDeVeerie, I have seen you on lots of threads talking about your dd and I love that you do, you should, I have seen her picture and it is stunning. It also must come to light a great deal when you are with and see pictures of your dn and their similarity, totally heartbreaking and heartwarming in equal measure. [would love to put an emoticon here but sad is too sad and smiley is too smiley!]

I know someone in my parents generation who lost their child, he is never mentioned and I have seen how that hurts members of their immediate family.

spooky ..

feel free to post on the bereaved mummies thread- even if you only say I am thinking of you. Trust me that mnetter will be really touched.

and honestly a bereaved mum would not want what happened to her to happen to anyone else so dont feel guilty about a happy safe outcome.. will make us smile

Pancake you are spot on with those doing the listening.

Frasersmummy, perhaps one day I will. I actually think for me at the moment the reality that something like that can still happen when I have my little ones is a huge reality check. It shouldn't happen and I think I am too newly into having my ds, too hormonal, too raw really. Its almost not that I don't have sympathy but I am all too aware of the empathy that is sitting there and perhaps am burying my head in the sand a little. I don't think I have explained myself properly, so I hope that hasn't come across wrongly.

I don't think it's necessarily looking for sympathy. When my mum died, the whole thing (her short illness, accepting she was dying soon etc) was so overwhelming and I just felt such a need to talk about her, it was really a need - I didn't want sympathy, I wanted people to know how amazing she had been etc. Much of what i talked about was positive - the laughs we had in her last days no matter how bad it was, not doom and gloom as I felt that was disrespectful to her strength and courage.

Theincrediblesulk1 - I understand what you are saying and as everyone else has said, it's not how the (massive) majority of people feel, if anyone does feel that way, they are quite free to fuck off leave the thread.

I love hearing about other peoples children and the memories they have of them, whether that child is still here or not. If they are not, it doesn't make the memory any less valid, if anything it makes it a bit more important/valuable.

TFMD - whenever I see your name I think...Oh God, not her again....

...

Daft Moo!! Of course we don't! I love hearing about DD and the boys. I'm always here with a hug when you are down and feel sad, but it's also great when you talk about DD before she died, when life was 'normal' or even the 'normal' moments when she was sick. Occasionally you post when you are having an especially tough time dealing with your feelings and it's nice to be able to offer a hug on those days, on other days when you mention B I take the 'story/memory' for what it is, in the same way you post about the boys.

I don't see it as 'seeking sympathy' - but as fact/history/story - the same as if the child was still here.

Wow, lot of late night posting mummies on here

Thanks for all getting back to me on this subject, I wont think twice about posting in future, but i will read my replies with slight suspicion?! No thats not the right word! But you know what i mean, i will be thinking do they think i am making it up now, when i wouldn't have before! Oh well i don't care that much though, that will last for all of five mins i think.

A few have asked about him, so i will tell you about my son, His name was Frazer he should be 5 now. He was stillborn at 36+6 days weighed 8lbs2 i knew from when i was 5 months pregnant something was wrong, he never moved enough, I would go to the hospital once a week from then on, attempting to explain. But no one would listen (they thought i was a nutcase!)
Turns out the placenta was not working properly and he went to sleep.
I knew when it had happened, and was telling oh he had died when we were on the way to the hospital.
At his funeral, i cried properly for the first time in my life! It was more of a scream really.

TIS I think you're hugely brave talking about it. I think there is nothing more tragic, devastating or traumatic for someone to go through than losing a child. Anyone who disputes or fabricates such a thing is a complete twat.

You should be able to talk about your baby, especially on MN anytime you like without others judging you. Talking about him keeps his memory alive and I think that is a vastly important thing for you or anyone in your situation.

He was your beautiful little baby and that will never change.

Thanks stealthpony. He was my perfect prince. I will love him forever.

TBH i don't want sympathy either. I just want a safe place to be able to talk about my son. He's rarely talked about in RL anymore and it's hard.

I don't want allowances or exceptions made - i just want to be treated as everyone else is.

Thank you for sharing Frazer with us, TIS1

Ahh thats ok deemented, i feel the same as you tbh! Its nice to just talk about them isn't it.

I find it difficult in real life, the hardest question to be asked is "have you just got the two children then?" I never want to deny Frazer, he is my child as much as Alexander or William. I find myself saying "oh yes, just these two" Then feeling incredibly sad and neglectful. But if i say no i have three i then have to explain he is no longer here. Normally a very abrupt end to the chit chat.

What happened to your little one? (If you don't mind my asking)

I always answer that question by saying i have three living children. If they ask further then i tell them.

Ciaran was oiginally part of triplets, but i lost one baby at ten weeks. At our twelve week scan it showed a possible problem and then at fourteen weeks he was diagnosed with Posterior Uretheral Valves, and we were told it was unlikely he'd survive long after birth. Simply put, he didn't have an opening from his bladder to his urethra, so he couldn't wee and practice breathing ect, and the urine he did produce was pushed back into his kidneys, damaging them. If he had lived he would have needed a kidney transplant within his first year.

As it was, he was born first, at 28 weeks 4 days, weighing 2lbs 4oz. He lived for an hour and 42 minutes, and was perfect, so so perfect. We had to take the decision to withdraw treatment and he died snuggled in his daddys arms.

Although i only knew him for such a short while he changed me completely. The heartache, the pain and the tears were all worth those precious few minutes that we got him for and i'm glad i had them with him.

My surving twin/triplet, DS2, is now a rowdy and robust six year old. He's a frustration and a joy.