Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to get annoyed when people talk about "getting your life back"?

83 replies

SuiGeneris · 22/10/2010 13:41

it might be just a turn of phrase, but I get exceedingly annoyed when people ask "when will you [stop breastfeeding/leave your baby with a babysitter and go out for the night/put the baby in his own room], so you can get your life back?"

My old life is gone. Now I am a mother, we are a family and the old life is no longer relevant, I don't want it back. In fact, I very much like my new one.

So, AIBU to get quite so exercised about what is probably just a turn of phrase?

OP posts:

EricNorthmansMistress · 22/10/2010 13:44

YABU
plenty of women don't enjoy being mummy martyrs and do want a semblance of their old lives back. See, I'm judging you (mummy martyr) and you are judging me (selfish harridan) for wanting my 'old life back' (which I do, a lot, a lot of the time). Why don't we just not judge each other and accept that women feel differently about things?

For the record, I don't regret having my DS, I wouldn't be without him and I love being a mum. I also love getting him to bed at 7.30 and having wine and a fag, late nights, too much alcohol and going to work. Still a good mum.

Butterbur · 22/10/2010 13:44

It's lovely that you are happy, Suigeneris. Not everyone feels the same. Some mothers find the 24/7 baby care a tie. I was one of these. I loved all my babies to bits, but I felt the strain when they were small.

Rosa · 22/10/2010 13:45

No you are not BU - But I don't mind it when they say 'try to find time to do something for yourself.' Its taken me 2 years btw !

Vallhalloween · 22/10/2010 13:45

Jolly for you. We don't all feel the same and YABU.

Well said Eric, btw.

wukterWOOO · 22/10/2010 13:46

YANBU a bit. Some people do need to 'get their life back' after such a big change. It's just a phrase meaning get a little me-time not go on all night drug benders or whatever your life was before.

SoupDragon · 22/10/2010 13:47

How old is your child?

When your life has revolved around them for years and you have no time to do things which interest you, you may change your mind.

Yes, I love being a mother and yes the days of going out in the evening at the drop of a hat are gone, but by God I want sometime to do ME things!

sapphireblwhooooo · 22/10/2010 13:47

Methinks the OP probably has 1 DC who is still very young. Give it a few years and another DC and you might get it sui.

blackwell · 22/10/2010 13:48

I think it's healthier for your relationship not to allow the mother-baby thing to take over entirely. To some extent, you still need to be the person your DP fell in love with. Of course romance is going to be a lower priority while children are young, and I'm not saying you have to be perfect and sexy at all times, but your relationship with your husband is an important part of being a family.

sapphireblwhooooo · 22/10/2010 13:48

X post with lots!

KatieScarlett2833 · 22/10/2010 13:48

I am looking forward to my DC's leaving for uni and I adore them. I want my life back, dammit (and I want them to have theirs without a needy mama begging for their attention).

PaisleyPumpkin · 22/10/2010 13:51

yanbu
I've had this and don't like the assumption that my life is somehow not as good as it was before.
It does usually come from people more concerned about how it suited them for me to have no ties - more their own agenda than any concern for me.

RhinestoneCowgirl · 22/10/2010 13:51

It can be a bit of a glib phrase, and they are always irritating. And yes, my 'old' life doesn't really exist any more (for the time being any way). But I have 2 small children, and have been at home with them quite a lot over the past 4 yrs, and I do need some regular time out from their lovely but sometimes rather suffocatingly needy company.

And I'm currently a SAHM, and bf a toddler yada yada, but I see that as a fairly brief period in my life - DS has started school and things are already moving on.

IntheFrightGarden · 22/10/2010 13:53

I remember being extremely offended when my uncle commented that he wouldn't like to go back to the days when his dc were small as he found all the feeding, toilet training etc incredibly boring ( I was spoon feeding toddler ds as he spoke-this was before BLW!).

Now, 9 years later, I can quite see where he was coming from.

I'm looking forward to my 50s when both dcs will be grown and hopefully fully fledged, however, I'm sure I'll look back fondly on these bum wiping days. So, I can see both sides- gets sore bum from sitting on the fence.

Simbacat · 22/10/2010 13:54

Your life is different yes.

To me it is important that you do get back to those things that made you the unique person you were before. That may be a hobby, drinking, eating, going out.

You are a mummy but you are also a wife, daughter, sister, best friend etc

Maybe those who suggest putting the baby In it's own room have experienced what happens when being a mummy overwhelms being a wife/ partner as well.

It is not about about going back or a new life. You adapt your life to the roles within it.

MalificenceBloodandSand · 22/10/2010 13:55

As lovely as it is to raise a family - it is wonderful when you have done your job and they have grown up and buggered off!

It's equally exciting to start the new life that is just you and your husband as it is when you first start a family.

Enjoy your children, it might not seem it, but the years are so brief and it only seems like 5 minutes since my 20 year old DD was a baby.

Francagoestohollywood · 22/10/2010 13:55

I don't think it is a shocking question. Many women (including myself), despite loving their children to bits and loving being mothers most of their time, feel the need of some physical and mental space.
They are just showing they are interested in you.

Bonsoir · 22/10/2010 13:56

OP - I know what you mean. Your old life becomes meaningless when you have a small baby. For a while you live in a baby cocoon. And when you emerge into the world again, it is with new values and to do different things than before.

Original poster

SuiGeneris · 22/10/2010 13:58

Exactly, PaisleyPumpkin!

Eric: nobody is judging anybody here- well, at least not me. I dislike the phrase and the concept when used in relation to my family and me. If others want life another way, they are perfectly entitled to their views and lifestyles.

As Pumpkin said, what I resent is the assumption that life was better before. I loved my life before, of course it was great to be able to book tickets for theatre etc knowing that, bar sudden work engagements, I would make it, and I loved spending 8 hours in a row reading a book just because I felt like it. Now of course I can't, but it is a different phase of life, children are not small forever and I want to enjoy their infancy without being constantly "reproached" because the speaker of the phrase that annoys me has either not had children or found them a nuisance (PS I have somebody specific in mind here, not suggesting everybody who uses the phrase finds children a nuisance or does not love theirs).

OP posts:

RunAndBeMum · 22/10/2010 13:58

YABU

I coslept, breastfed until my son self-weaned at 2, and I work from home, fitting it around caring for my son. The first year was intense and I was relieved when he stopped feeding to sleep so someone else could put him to bed and I could go out in the evening. Then when he weaned I could have the occasional weekend away, which was brilliant.

I wouldn't change anything I did as my son is very happy and secure, but I love having my life back (ie being able to socialise and talk about things other than parenting).

In fairness, it IS annoying when people imply you are prolonging the baby phase, when you are only doing what's best for your individual child - they are all different and ready to sleep alone/wean at different ages. But "getting your life back" really does sum up how it feels when your baby is no longer dependant on you alone for everything.

spookyhalloweenFluffypomkins · 22/10/2010 13:59

It would have pissed me off no end had someone said that when i had dd,

7years later 3 more dc and not even being able to go to the toilet without spectators.

I think i will have to say YABU!

Francagoestohollywood · 22/10/2010 13:59

My old life didn't become meaningless when I had my dc. Some habits became meaningless, priorities changed and so did values.
But I kept being interested in many things that I enjoyed pre kids, in my friends and in having some privacy.

sethstarkaddersmummyreturns · 22/10/2010 14:00

yanbu to not like a phrase.
yabu to get 'exceedingly annoyed'. If you don't like it, ignore ignore ignore!

lovechoc · 22/10/2010 14:04

OP you'll change your tune one day. I have two DC and love my life like any other mum but I do also wish I could be left alone to pee occasionally, or to just get out and have my hair cut.

And like another poster has already mentioned, in the evening I just love having that time to myself. It's precious time!

YABU a tad. The novelty wears off of loving every second of parenthood for some of us!:)

ZombiePlan · 22/10/2010 14:11

YANBU. DS is just over 5 months and people seem to think I should be able to live exactly as I did before (i.e. meeting friends at the drop of a hat, going out to bars till silly o'clock etc). They don't understand that my life simply can't work that way anymore. Not that I can't have fun, but I can't be quite so spontaneous etc. One friend has not texted me since I said I couldn't meet up with her at a venue 1 1/2 hours away on 2 hours notice - i.e. 30mins to leave the house including having to find a babysitter.

I think the whole "getting your life back" thing can in some cases be a way for people to pressurise you into doing thngs for THEIR benefit, not yours.

MrsC2010 · 22/10/2010 14:13

You can feel the same way as the OP without being a 'mummy martyr' can't you?

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread