to get annoyed when people talk about "getting your life back"?

[SuiGeneris]

it might be just a turn of phrase, but I get exceedingly annoyed when people ask "when will you [stop breastfeeding/leave your baby with a babysitter and go out for the night/put the baby in his own room], so you can get your life back?"

My old life is gone. Now I am a mother, we are a family and the old life is no longer relevant, I don't want it back. In fact, I very much like my new one.

So, AIBU to get quite so exercised about what is probably just a turn of phrase?

Ah, I've developed the ability to unwrap things silently (usually they don't have much of a wrapper, anything with plastic is a no no). And I have a decoy biscuit tin that is always empty. It's the first place they look.

You cunning thing!

I think it's the competitive "race" element of it.

I am not a mummy martyr by any means, I haven't spent 10 months welded to my baby's hip or anything.. I've been out a few times, had weekly two hour driving lessons etc. Recently I have started to go out to exercise classes and I enjoy the time away, soon I will return to work etc. It is nice to feel the dust settling a little bit, though I am under no illusions that my life now resembles my life before and I do agree with the OP that I have no real desire for it to.

In terms of the phrase, I have found there can be unrealistic (and sometimes unreasonable) expectations of life post-baby e.g. a friend who was irritated by having to wait until the six week check to resume running (she wasn't previously an athlete btw), friends who take dcs to fancy restaurants at inappropriate times just to prove they can and - to a certain extent, and I know I will be flamed for this - people taking e.g. taking mobile babies to muddy festivals. I just can't see why you would want to do all the stuff you did when you were free and young and spontaneous complete with nappies and pots of food and an unwieldy pushchair. It seems like a lot of stress to be able to tell your pfb that they saw Iggy Pop at Glasto etc. I saw an article about this online where one of the comments beneath said something like: "your child is writing their story already, how fantastic!". Their story, how so?

Obviously, it is different when the discussion relates to older dc who are going to school/teens etc. However, if you are one of the majority who will have two children, in the very short time that you have babies/kids under 3, I don't think that, in the main, it is reasonable to want an exact replica of your pre-baby lifestyle if that involved heavy boozing/partying etc. Someone I know has a 3 and a 1 year old who are in full-time creche 7-7 five days a week and every weekend, they deposit the kids with their grandparents and go out boozing - out Friday night to cinema etc, all day drinking session on the Saturday, home at 4-5 am, back with the kids for a very hungover Sunday. I don't care if writing that sounds judgey, because I do judge that kind of extreme behaviour.

I suppose it depends on circumstance and context, as with everything. It's not unreasonable to expect that you should get a life back where sometimes you get to watch the TV or go to the gym or enjoy a meal when the kids are in bed without simultaneously tending to a screaming baby, but expecting the lifestyle of the average 20something is probably a bit foolish?

I don't think there's anything wrong whatsoever with saying you miss elements of your pre-parent life. Doesn't mean you think parenting is some second-rate choice or that you don't love your kids. And it doesn't have to be stupid 20-something excesses you miss either.

As a single parent I missed very simple things in the early years like just being able to go to the post box by myself or spending Sunday mornings lazily perusing newspapers over coffee. I still miss the selfish luxury of having a bad cold and going back to bed for the day - it's not possible. 10 years down the track and I'm looking forward to the day when I can go out to something in the evening and not have to pay for a baby-sitter. I'm also looking forward to the day when we can go to the cinema to watch a film that isn't made by Disney bloody Pixar! :)

Sprogger I have only ever heard that comment with a disdainful tone and a pitying look, that is the criticismn
The comment I passed was no more meant as a criticism than that, the only difference being the word already instead of yet and baby instead of life
So no, I'm sorry I cannot see the difference

Just thinking about this a bit more...

The number of children someone has seems to make a big difference to views on this thread. I wonder also whether the age at which you had your children makes a difference.

I remember MIL telling me that when her first child was born she felt like her life was over and she couldn't do anything any more. I was quite surprised to hear this, as I packed DD into her carrier and headed off to an exhibition at the British Museum followed by a pub lunch with friends that afternoon. It had simply never crossed my mind that DD would be in the way.

However, I was 31 when DD was born. MIL was only 21 when she had her first child. I've done as much all-night drinking, clubbing, dancing on tables, streaking across golf courses etc.. as I ever want to do. DD isn't holding me back. My social life would likely be equally calm and and middle-aged even without a baby.

At 21, MIL was just starting out in adult life and wouldn't have been able to do many of the things other 21 year olds without children were doing. I understand why she felt so constrained and think that my own views would be very different if I'd had DD earlier in my life.

I think thats a really good point togarama, im 25 and have calmed down considerably in the last few years since i met DP but my late teens and early 20's were quite wild. And while some of my friends are still like this my closer friends aren't so i certainly don't feel like i am missing out on anything. I also feel that i've done more than my fair share of partying etc.

My DD was planned and very much wanted but i don't think i totally realised how much my life would change. And i am in no way pining for my life before i had her but there are certain elements i am determined to keep and luckily have a lovely partner who is encouraging me to keep up with things i did before.

It's only a small thing but i stopped dying my hair red while i was pregnant and decided last week that i wanted to re do it. I know have the bright red bob that i used to have before i got pregnant and i can't tell you how good it felt to "look like me again" but a better me than i used to be because i now have a beautiful daughter. Life has changed but im loving it!

It's just a turn of phrase, and you are unreasonable to get so wound up about it. When people use it, they mean it's important to retain a sense of who you are. Having children is a wonderful amazing thing, but no one (least of all your children) will thank you for handing your life over totally and losing the person you once were. I found it amazing when I had my first child - I imagine we all do. But I still wanted to do many of the things I had done previously- go out , see my friends, work etc. I don't see the phrase as awful at all- it's just about the importance of retaining that sense of self