to get annoyed when people talk about "getting your life back"?

[SuiGeneris]

it might be just a turn of phrase, but I get exceedingly annoyed when people ask "when will you [stop breastfeeding/leave your baby with a babysitter and go out for the night/put the baby in his own room], so you can get your life back?"

My old life is gone. Now I am a mother, we are a family and the old life is no longer relevant, I don't want it back. In fact, I very much like my new one.

So, AIBU to get quite so exercised about what is probably just a turn of phrase?

Certainly- I, for one, am not a mummy martyr at all. DH is very supportive and does more than his fair share, including bathtime every night and changing/caring in the morning, so I get time to do the things I like (read, cook, come on MN...)

Wait till they are 15.

We really do need to know how old the OP's dc is.

I like Bonsoir's description.

9 months

Sui, I think you are seeing judgement in that comment, when it's probably not there, and getting defensive needlessly. with a 9mo it does seem as if life is all about the baby but that will change and you will want some of your 'old life back'. However I agree you will encounter people who don't get it (usually childless) and assume you are chomping at the bit to ditch the baby and get pissed when that might be far from your mind at the moment. Believe me, the day will come though!

Please return to this thread in 9 months. or indeed 9 years.

Having a baby is wonderful. I loved (pretty much) every moment of it - I think I had whatever the opposite would be to PND. Post Natal Delerium perhaps?

But there did come a point at which I would have enjoyed being able to wash up without a toddler hanging off my leg, let alone sit and read a book with a cup of coffee (easier at 9 months that 18, believe me). I guess this is the kind of thing people are referring to, and they have a point.

Ah, I understand Sui.

Fast forward 14 years, your DD And DS are out more often than in. When in they go through your fridge like a plague of locusts in biblical stylee. They bring home legions of sweaty teens that you must house and feed. They demand lifts everywhere and you give in because it's dark outside. You go to put on your new, coveted designer clothing and discover it is on the back of DD where she will subsequently lend it to one of her many friends, ditto footwear, beauty products andevery single hairbrush in the house.

You covet a family holiday, DC's don't want to go with you cos it's "sad", so you instead spend fortunes on PGL so at least they get away.

I can't wait to get my life (and belongings) back.

Love them really.

I kind of know what you mean, Sui...I don't think people mean it negatively.

I love being a mum, but I also love that now that DCs are 4 and 3, I am running after them a bit less, and can actually pursue some of my 'old' interests with a bit more regularity. I don't miss all the late nights out and hungover Sundays, but I love that I can sit for a fairly long chunk of time and read while the DCs entertain themselves. And, it's nice that DH and I can sit around after dinner in the evenings with a cuppa and just chat for a bit while the DCs watch a bit of telly before bath.

So, I don't long for my old life back, because I love the life I have but I do like that some of the old stuff I liked is back on the scene.

I wasn't chomping at the bit to get out boozing. However, I got dragged kicking and screaming by some friends to a pub and then a club when ds was about six months old.

Had an absolute blast [hgrin]

Since it's never meant with any venom and is one of those stock phrases that people trot out harmlessly, YABU.

And life doesn't have to change beyond all recognition because you've had yer bairn.

Sui - the problem is, Dcs grow up, and if your entire life revolves around them 24/7 what are you going to do when they leave home and you are left with no interests apart from DCs (and no DH because your marriage has broken up as you never devote any time to your relationship)?

Really, don't do that to your DCs. Do you really want to end up like my MIL and have your DCs avoid you because you can't stop interfering in their lives when they are grown?

Not talking about having no time with your DCs, just GET SOME BALANCE!

YANBU. their choice to have a child, their choide to live a different life, so they need to just get on with it.

It's horrible to hear someone say 'I want my life back' when you have struggled to have DC yourself. You feel like screaming 'I'd give fucking anything to have what you have'

YABU. We all feel differently about parenting at different times. I, for instance, found the baby stage easy & very enjoyable whilst others struggled with it. The toddler phase was a nightmare for me & I couldn't wait for my dc to start school so I could "get my life back". However, things have come full circle, I'm loving being a mum again, the next big step will be uni & I'm dreading that as I'll miss dd terribly!

But "wanting your life back" isn't about wishing your DCs away. It's a hamfisted way of saying that, wonderful as being a parent is, sometimes one would like to do somethig that isn't all about the babe.

The OP clearly has some time to herself - her DP is around in the mornings for example. Not everyone has this.

My Mum is a practice nurse in a Drs surgery and one of hr first questions to new mums is "have you had a date with DP/DH or been out for the evening with friends yet?"
She thinks its really important that your life doesn't soley revolve around your new baby and that other relationships need nurturing too.

Whilst I only get out once in a blue moon, I RELISH it. Its normally a boozy lunch these days rather than a big night out, but I love a chance to be myself and not worry if DS is terrorising anyone or eating everything he should be, or if he needs the toilet etc etc.

DP is totally supportive of me and encourages me to have time out (within reason...wonder how he'd feel if I popped abroad for a week or so on my own! )

Wish we had like buttons on here like Facebook.
But ditto to Dancinghippo Its all about Balance.

How does breastfeeding, having the baby in your room and not leaving them with a babysitter make OP a 'mummy martyr'?

Mishy - I don't think it does, as long as everyone is happy with that.

YANBU but really you'd be better off letting it go.

I guess one of the benefits of being an older Mum is I don't feel like I need to get my life back at all. Life develops & progresses & now it involves a 3 year old and soon another child. Maybe it's nothing to do with age, but attitude?

I'd done all the younger partying reckless stuff in abundance - it was fantastic but I don't miss one bit of it. There's lots of opportunity for change in life and really who wants to stay doing the same things forever? How boring would that be? Things change & develop & different periods of our lives have different challenges & rewards.

I'm certainly no mummy-matyr. DP & I work had to ensure each of us gets the space we need to do our own thing because it's important, not because its a grasp on the past. I'm lucky enough that I can socialise with friends & take DD with me, maybe stay over etc. Also neither DP or I have ever been people who need/want to go everywhere/do everything with each other which I guess makes things easier as we don't need to have a babysitter to go out.

I'm doing everything I want to do (within lifes normal limits or money, time, space etc) & life feels well balanced.

My sister said this the other day in response to my question of whether she would have a 3rd child (hers are 7 and 4).

Her: "No, we're just getting our lives back".
Me: "eh?"

The way it came across was like she signed up to 7 years of a prison sentence or something.

7 years?, meh, try 40...

I know exactly what your sister means.

I have just had dc3 and though am over the moon definately feel as if I'm in a different place than everyone of my friends with kids over the age of 3.

Don't care though as she is delicious.

I thought like you, OP, but tbh now that my children are reaching their teens, I am getting parts of my old life back, I am getting more like the person I was 15 years ago, and much as I enjoyed the baby years...I am enjoying this too. Like revisiting a country where you used to have a really good time.

Maybe "getting your life back" is shorthand for sleeping

Cory, I agree, it's like having your 20's for a second time.