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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or are neighbours?

70 replies

Hellis5am · 22/10/2010 12:39

sorry for a long post!

we live in a house converted into 2 flats, on the ground floor. DS's bedroom is unfortunately under the upstairs neighbour's bedroom (and we can't really move him). he is 18m and has never been a great sleeper. we resorted to controlled crying (i know,i know, but it worked great for us!) a long time ago to get him to sleep through and he's not been a massive problem since. there is the odd disturbed night if he's sick or teething or something, obviously, but most nights he sleeps through. however, he does wake early. if all is well it's usually between 6 and 7 (closer to 6!) but when he's teething he is prone to waking around 5-5.30. it's horrible, and he is quite noisy when he wakes, but as soon as i hear him i get him up and get him out that room.

the neighbours have complained before about these early wake up calls when it's happened, and i've assured them i won't leave him to cry (much as i might want to!) and i will move him from the room but they say they can't get back to sleep after he wakes them. i thought i woke up fairly quickly when he did but this morning i woke to him at 5.15 and have just seen the neighbour who complained about being woken at 4.55 and having to listen to him cry for 20 minutes. I am so surprised that i didn't wake up before that, i must've been in a real deep sleep, and i'm not sure what i can do about that! i assured her it wasn't deliberate and that i did make a conscious effort to get him up and out as quick as possible when i heard him. she is quite unhappy, says her boyfriend is working til 10 at night at the moment and really can't be woken at that time.

when it strated getting light in the mornings, it took DS a while to adjust and so he woke early for some time then and we got complaints most days. they have been away most of the summer (when of course he slept fine!!) and only got back this week, when (of course!) he has had a bad bout of teething. i explained this but she said that either we ought to ask the landlord about sound proofing the ceiling of DS's room or sort it ourselves. i will ask the landlord but i know he will laugh me out of the room, the way he is. so is the onus on us to do it?

i completely understand that it is horrible to be woken at 5am (i also hate it!) but i really don't know what to do. should we pay for sound proofing if the landlord won't, bearing in mind it's rented and we won't be here forever (they own their flat)? also, from what i have read, it is more effective to sound proof a floor in these cases, so do we offer to pay for that? we don't really have the money at all.

DH is of the opinion that they are complaining a bit much, we have done everything we can (black outs, soft furnishings, later bedtime, getting him out as quick as poss etc) and he is a baby and it won't be forever. he is quite horrified that people would complain about a baby, but is from a different culture where nobody would. i agree really, but am slightly more sympathetic to them, and also don't want some kind of neighbourly feud! i already have found myself hiding to avoid them on occasion!! today she told me she knows there is nothing i can do about him waking 6ish and they will deal with that as he gets up at 6ish anyway for work, but 5 is not acceptable. But i can't do anything about him waking at 5 either!

DS is a real handful as it is, so i am really tired myself and find the whole thing quite stressful. the neighbour has upset me today (probably because i'm over tired!)and i find i stress about it a lot.i would LOVE a child that slept 12hrs a night but he just isn't one of those and is a light sleeper. i am actually now desperate to move because of this problem, despite the flat being otherwise perfect for us, which seems a shame. we also want a 2nd child but i'm worried about that too!

i try very hard to be a good neighbour and feel that this is one of those difficult situations that come with living in flats. i totally understand their being upset but really feel that us having to pay to sound proof a rented flat for a transient problem is a bit much to ask. i really need some objective opinions!!

AIBU or are they? does anyone know any legalities as to who the onus is on? or anyone been in a similar situation with suggestions?

OP posts:

nickytwotimes · 22/10/2010 12:42

they are being a tad u.

you are making every effort by the sounds of it.

LittleRedPumpkin · 22/10/2010 12:50

They're being silly. You have a baby; babies cry.

I assume they'd been living there a while before your baby was born, so I can see it's a pain for them, but if it bothers them so much they'll have to move, won't they?

Bloodymary · 22/10/2010 12:50

Its one of the downsides of living in a flat as far as I am concerned.
They chose to buy their first floor flat, so it is a problem they should have considered.
For heaven sake, they could have a baby underneath them waking all hours!

mumeeee · 22/10/2010 12:50

They are being unreasonable. We have noisy neighbours next door and if they are making a lot of noise themselves we sometimes ask them to be quiter. However they have got a baby who has just turned one, He often cries a lot and sometimes very early in the morning, Yes he does wake us up but we never complain about that,he is a bay and that is what babies do,

Sidge · 22/10/2010 12:53

They are being ABU.

Agree with bloodymary, that's par for the course when you live in a flat, terraced house or semi.

I find it surprising that your DS could have woken them upstairs but not you next door.

WowOoo · 22/10/2010 12:53

They are. Guess they don't have much experience with babies.

Suggest they put thick thick carpet in their bedroom.

FakePlasticTrees · 22/10/2010 12:56

they ABU - if they live in a top floor flat - you will hear noise from below. Do they own or do they rent too? If they own then the carpet idea is a good one - you shouldn't pay for sound proofing - tell them the landlord says no (both to him doing it and you doing it).

Do you ever hear them?

NordicPrincess · 22/10/2010 13:02

laugh at her! if you try and sound proof yourself they take it off your deposit as damage to the property. tell your neighbour that children cry and you have done all you can

eldritch · 22/10/2010 13:03

Tricky, but it sounds like you are doing all you can to keep everyone happy. Sorry you are so tired though. If they are being really arsey about it, could you use a baby monitor between his room and yours so that you hear him straightaway (assuming you don't already?). Not ideal I know as you'll hear every snuffle but might help a bit. Failing that, buy them some earplugs?

TheMeow · 22/10/2010 13:17

They are being very unreasonable, tell them if the noise bothers them that much then they better talk with the landlord themselves and soundproof their flat!

Your ds is a baby, what are you supposed to do? Gag him???? [hhmm]

sonia77 · 22/10/2010 13:24

I remember you posting about this before and I thought you were far too nice and bent over backwards enough for her. Its tough! Tell her she needs a thicker underlay in her bedroom and better carpet. Tell her yet have another one on the way so she better get used to it. You are far too nice and I think she is bullying yet a little. Didn't yet put notes through her door last time? Dont worry just live your life and take care of your family.

NewTeacher · 22/10/2010 13:29

They are being ridiculous! Your baby waking up early is not something you can magically control!

If they want sound proofing they can pay for it at their end not you!

He is a baby and they do cry and do wake up early! He is not some noisy teenager with his music on loud FGS!

You have done what you can, ignore them now and dont bend over backwards as you have done everything you can possibly do.

You look after yourself and your family you sound like a lovely mum and person and your neighbour sounds like a PITA!!!!

ivykaty44 · 22/10/2010 13:34

I have a baby living next door and I live in a 1930's semi, I hear the baby cry in the mornings soemtiems for a while. It has woken me up

I wouldn't dream f complaining - I have no idea why the baby is crying teething or grumpy or pooes nappies

No idea how an adult can not realsie that babies cry

Jux · 22/10/2010 13:40

If it's really that impossible for them they could use ear plugs, or sleep in a different room. They are complaing for the sake of it because they are unreasonable.

Buy some earplugs, next time they complain just hand them over.

sonia77 · 22/10/2010 13:43

Anyway it cant have been that loud as it did not wake you! Tell them to get lost

CakeCuresAll · 22/10/2010 13:43

I'm worrying about this at the moment too as my ds is also 18 months, wakes at 5 am and has recently been waking in the night. Luckily, my neighbours haven't said anything but I'm dreading it and jump to him as soon as he cries which I actually think is making him worse. Maybe he'll settle himself but I am too worried to try!

They are being U. There is nothing you can do about it and you have been apologetic and sympathetic.

Next time ask her what she suggests you should do as you've tried everything else and she obviously understands about parenting an 18 month old so you'd love her advice...... Or tell her she is very welcome to come an sooth DS herself

Amanderrr · 22/10/2010 13:53

Agree that they're being unreasonable in expecting you to somehow stop your baby from waking and crying earlier than is convenient.

Not that you have to as you're clearly doing your best to stop your baby waking them, but in the spirit of being neighbourly, could you swap bedrooms with your baby?

wayoftheworld · 22/10/2010 13:55

Ask them to come over to babysit. Once they get to know the child they might be a bit more appreciative of your hard work.

...or just plainly ignore them. I have yet to meet a parent who loves the sound of a screeming child!!

Original poster

Hellis5am · 22/10/2010 15:08

CakeCuresAll - i agree, it definitely makes them worse. all over summer while they were away DS slept fine and i think it was partly because on the odd occasion that he woke i could be a bit strict with him and partly because i wasn't anxious about it, which they sense! so difficult, because u are naturally anxious about waking people even if they DON'T complain!

Amanderr - we can't really change bedrooms as ours is a basement bedroom down steep stairs and is a bit damp (we are being cheeky using it as a bedroom!) or we would do that in a flash! thanks anyway.

honestly, i'm not sure that he'd been crying for 20 mins before i heard him this morning, i'm sooo shocked if that's the case, but i can't prove it in anyway, and if i did it's because i'm knackered!!

i think they have got really sensitive to it and almost expect it, and listen out for it, then have convinced themselves they can't get back to sleep, u know how u do! because she has no problem getting bck to sleep after he leaves for work... it's really hard because sleep is a massively psychological thing and u can wind yourself up about it!

OP posts:

BaggyCoconut · 22/10/2010 15:13

I think they are being unreasonable!

You have done everything you can do from what you have written. They could easily get earplugs/change bedrooms etc. Have they got carpet in their bedroom? That would help a bit. They knew they were buying a flat, flats do come with neighnour noise.

Each time they complain tell them calmly you have done all you can, babies sometimes cry. Be nice, polite and don't give them any rise, and they will hopefully get bored of complaining.

mazzystartled · 22/10/2010 15:17

Yes, other people's noise is something you have to expect and tolerate when you live in a flat, or a terrace.

Yes, it's unreasonable of her to expect you to be able to stop a baby crying.

But from her point of view she is being woken Really Early, quite often, and she is probably knackered. So I ahve some sympathy with her, nonetheless.

Is there no way you can swap rooms as, have you have said, it's a temporary thing? Have the baby's cot in your room?

Hullygully · 22/10/2010 15:19

I think it is a right pain to be woken up early by other people's dc, I am, most mornings, but when you have some yourself, you are a lot more understanding, and you know it will pass.

The problem with your neighbour is that you have been too nice and apologetic, which has made her feel she is in the right and pushed her on to greater complaining levels and demands. I think you now need to be polite but firm and say you have done everything you can and all you can suggest is that she puts lots of rugs down.

Could you not share a room with the baby? If you are downstairs, and v tired, it is quite possible you didn't hear the crying for a while...

mazzystartled · 22/10/2010 15:21

So you're in the basement - the baby isn't? So she might well hear him before you. And it might take you a while to get to him.

If your only option is sleeping in a damp basement you do need to think about moving. Which I know is hard and stressful, but in the contrary to your OP the flat sounds far from perfect......

ShirtyGerty · 22/10/2010 15:23

They are being unreasonable. I would much prefer a temporarily grumpy baby to some of the things our neighbours get up to!

Agree with Baggy and Cake's approach for dealing with them.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 22/10/2010 15:30

They are being unreasonable. Babies cry - fact - as they will find out when they have them. It's one of the drawbacks of living in a flat, and it's not as if it's loud music or parties. The next time she complains, I'd agree that it must be frustrating for her, but unfortunately babies do cry. In the meantime, you'll continue to go to him as soon as he wakes, but you can't do more than that and does she have earplugs and carpets?

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