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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or rather, is my friend? In-Law issue

82 replies

CheerfulYank · 21/10/2010 20:59

Ok, so my best friend has always had in law issues. They make elaborate plans around holidays (there are four or five different events around Christmas that they're expected to take part in: cookie baking, going to The Christmas Carol on stage, etc.) And it's not "Oh, these are the plans we have, it'd be lovely if you could attend some of them," it's "You will come or else." If there's any sort of hitch in the plans or disruption of "family time", her MIL gets all distraught and everyone rushes to comfort her and give in to her tantrums.

Anyway, my friend just gave birth to her first DC (a little girl :)) less than a month ago. Her family and her DH's family have both been to visit, but now her IL (MIL, FIL, BIL and wife and two sons) are coming to stay in the city where my friend her DH and DD live. They are getting a hotel for four days and three nights and insisting that my friend and DH and the baby stay the whole time too.

Now, AIBU or is it mad to expect my friend to pack all the acoutrements needed for four days with an infant, find someone to take care of their dog, and go stay at a hotel a few miles from their own house? She doesn't want to go at all, but feels she has no choice. (She's much less bitchy than me, y'see :o) So, AIBU about this being absolutely ridiculous?

OP posts:
readywithwellies · 21/10/2010 21:01

She needs to set the ground rules now. The MIL sounds like a princess. She shouldn't have to go and the DH should tell his parents so.

RipMacWinkle · 21/10/2010 21:02

She is definitely NBU.

That sounds like madness when so close to her own home. Surely her DH must see that too?

Crazy, crazy, craziness.

Plus I also have to say, first DC for them means new family rules and boundaries can and should be drawn up from the offset. It's not just the two of them any more.

Good luck to your friend.

CMOTdibbler · 21/10/2010 21:04

yanbu, and your friend (her dh actually) needs to realise that No is a complete sentence, and the more they pander to the mil, the more she will demand. It may help to think of her as a toddler drumming her heels on the floor demanding chocolate

RipMacWinkle · 21/10/2010 21:05

Just have to jump back in to say I've read that a couple of times this week:

'no is a complete sentence'

and I love it.

So simple. So effective.

I'm going to remember that one!

TrappedinSuburbia · 21/10/2010 21:06

Why isn't she and her dh just putting their foot down fgs, it really annoys me when people go to ridiculous lengths to pander to others!

frgr · 21/10/2010 21:11

She doesn't want to do it; she has reasonable reasons driving her wishes; she should not have to go.

I'm pretty much past caring what people think about this sort of thing - after an initial tantrum IMHO it's easier in the long run to set the right boundaries.

Tell your friend to put her foot down - don't get angry, be polite, explain the reasons why if pressed, and be prepared for counter-moves (such as shouting, refusing to speak to her) - she will have a happier life in the long run if she does this now. She needs her partners support though - without them sticking together as a team she's doomed.

Her life, her choice - but she's really just enabling this unreasonable behaviour to continue by accepting it as normal.

Squitten · 21/10/2010 21:46

Utterly stupid idea, purely on a financial basis. Why on earth would anyone pay to go and stay near their own house??

She's not 5 - she doesn't have to go anywhere she doesn't want to. Don't see why it's an issue TBH, she just says no!

Also not sure why it's all on her - they're her ILs. What does her husband say about it?

ChaoticAngel · 21/10/2010 22:04

Your friend is DNBU. She and her DH need to put their collective foot down and say no.

runmeragged · 21/10/2010 22:11

Absolutely mad. I don't know why it is necessary to stay in a hotel near your own house, but even worse - why would you do such a lot of unnecessary work taking a newborn and all the kit to a hotel? I would say that I would attend meals/attend whatever MIL is planning, but NO WAY to the hotel.

ladymariner · 21/10/2010 22:28

Absolutely no way.....end of!!!

TrillianSlasher · 21/10/2010 22:34

SINBU, obviously. And if I were her I would have started making little rebellions long before this stage, so I could stick out the hassle while not sleep-deprived with a tiny baby.

loubielou31 · 21/10/2010 22:37

Staying unnecessarily in a hotel a few miles from your own perfectly comfortable bed, with all the things you need to survive the first few weeks with a new baby right where you need them.

MADNESS!!!!!!!

Tell your friend to let her MIL have her hissy fit and stay put. She has the support of MN behind her and we are a force to be reckoned with. Grin

It is very lovely that her inlaws are coming to visit and how considerate of them to stay in a hotel so as not to make extra work for the new mum who will of course love to see them between these hours ...and .... as long as they make their own cups of tea, bring their own cake, do the laundry/ironing and run the hoover round whilst they're here.
That's what I'd be saying.

ZombiePlan · 21/10/2010 23:11

MILIBU

piscesmoon · 21/10/2010 23:20

I normally stand up for MIL, but the woman is mad!! Refuse-your friend should start the way she means to go on.She can do it politely but firmly.

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 22/10/2010 02:31

DH says that if she does not go along with this plan then my friend's mother will not be welcome to stay with them anymore. He gets his theatrics from his mother, apparently... Hmm

I've offered to come give him a good slap in the face.

Squitten MIL and FIL are paying for the room. :)

OP posts:
TorturesInAHalfHell · 22/10/2010 04:51

Gosh, she married a prize, didn't she? I hope she's able to tell him that she will not be going along with this plan, and she will be inviting her mother to stay, and if he does not go along with this he will not be welcome to stay with her anymore.

5DollarShake · 22/10/2010 05:45

Of course she's not being unreasonable.

Is her daft husband scared of his Mum, or something? I can't see why else he'd be so OTT threatening her to go along with it.

Anyway, I bet she goes along with it..

DialMforMother · 22/10/2010 08:29

D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

This is insane! Besides which since when does dh have the final say in who can visit. Purlease take him to one side next time you visit and say 'now X is much nicer than me so she won't saythis to you, but...'

ChaoticAngel · 22/10/2010 08:52

What a twat!!! [hhmm] her DH that is. He should be putting your friend first not his mother.

ImGideonsMumAndIHateHimToo · 22/10/2010 09:02

It's trult ridiculous! A simple no I really don;t fancy it should work.

r she could really freak them with 'I'm still bleeding a lot and caouldn;t possible risk that with hotel sheets' Wink (I managed that on naive sisters 3 months after the birth of ds1 to escape a white wedding dress )

Otherwise we divide things by a numbber: 3: one event for Dh's lot, one for mine and one for our own. Or we run as far away as we can of a festive season and hide, guess what we're doing this year

Firawla · 22/10/2010 09:04

she should definitely say no, its just a stupid and weird suggestion. why does the mil even care? they would not necessarily even see more of them by staying together in the same hotel, unless mil wants to share a family room or something Confused
dh should stick up for her, he is an idiot to threaten her mum wont be allowed to come if she dont do it, that is a bullying kind of behaviour, not right @ all. if this is his attitude thruout life in general always sticking up for inlaws weird demands and making her feel forced into it i dont see how that can work as a marriage, very one sided and unfair

pozzled · 22/10/2010 09:10

MIL and DH are both BU, and need a good talkin-to. Your friend needs to ask about their plans for the four days, and say 'We will be joining you for x (and possibly y, but certainly not everything).

As for Dh saying her mum can't come to visit- how is that an appropriate reaction? Now if he'd said 'OK, your mum can't summon us to an extremely unreasonable family event for no particular reason either' that would at least be fair!!

anonymousbrainsnatcher · 22/10/2010 09:11

Insisting they stay at the hotel?? With a newborn? Grief, how ridiulcous

With a small baby, the best place to be is.. HOME.

How utterly bizarre.

Her DH needs to sort this, and fast.

She isNBU

anonymousbrainsnatcher · 22/10/2010 09:13

Her DH is his mother's son, by the sounds of it.

your poor friend, not having her DH whole heartedly supporting her and their new child, but rather pandering to his mother's pathetic whims.

HE can go stay in the hotel perhaps, SHE and her baby can stay in the comfort of their own home where they have everything they need.

What a selfish family!

Lauriefairycake · 22/10/2010 09:15

Her DH has threatened her that her mother won't be welcome any more if she doesn't accomodate his mothers wishes.

She should leave now, no good will come of this relationship. And she was an idiot to get pregnant by him.

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