Or rather, is my friend? In-Law issue

[CheerfulYank]

Ok, so my best friend has always had in law issues. They make elaborate plans around holidays (there are four or five different events around Christmas that they're expected to take part in: cookie baking, going to The Christmas Carol on stage, etc.) And it's not "Oh, these are the plans we have, it'd be lovely if you could attend some of them," it's "You will come or else." If there's any sort of hitch in the plans or disruption of "family time", her MIL gets all distraught and everyone rushes to comfort her and give in to her tantrums.

Anyway, my friend just gave birth to her first DC (a little girl :)) less than a month ago. Her family and her DH's family have both been to visit, but now her IL (MIL, FIL, BIL and wife and two sons) are coming to stay in the city where my friend her DH and DD live. They are getting a hotel for four days and three nights and insisting that my friend and DH and the baby stay the whole time too.

Now, AIBU or is it mad to expect my friend to pack all the acoutrements needed for four days with an infant, find someone to take care of their dog, and go stay at a hotel a few miles from their own house? She doesn't want to go at all, but feels she has no choice. (She's much less bitchy than me, y'see :o) So, AIBU about this being absolutely ridiculous?

It would have been better to learn that her husband is a fuckwit before they got married or she got pregnant. But now she knows. She should tell him that she isn't going to a hotel, and if he does, she's changing the locks. He's a total cunt, and should be treated as such. And the threat to retaliate against her mother is the stuff of divorces in its own right.

Mummy's boys. Aren't they a treat? Mothers who breed mummy's boys. Aren't they a treat?

Is this the MIL's first grandchild?

Forehad mine too but it cost Dh a nervous breakdown at 16 to get there.

Your poor friend... My MIL was a bit of a nightmare in the beginning but now I get on well with her. The trick is all about making it on your terms.

Your friends DH should say ... we cant come and stay in the hotel because of the dog & baby etc but we will come and see you during the day and perhaps you might like to come to our house by yourself for some nanny bonding time with the new baby.

If they are there for 3 days perhaps your friend could agree 1 night when they stay at the hotel for dinner maybe..

It makes live so much easier if you can learn not to just say NO. and say instead or I have a better idea ... good luck to your friend

Your friends in laws are barking

Agree the husband is the problem here. If your friend can't make him see his mother's "demands" are unreasonable and that is controlling of her to insist her DIL and baby stay in a hotel when they don't want to then there is no hope for this marriage as he is not putting his relationship first.
Small babies in hotels are a nightmare.
If you have to stay in 1 to visit far flung relatives fair enough, but staying in a hotel near the house is pointless. babies (and therefore everyone else) usually sleep far better in familiar surroundings.

Having a baby with a mummy's boy is often a mistake.

DeadPoncy, I agree. Whether they stay in a hotel or not, or she agrees to this particular demand or not - that's not what needs to be faced here.

The real problem is her lack of her H's support, the MIL's tantrums and "I'll get my own way or you'll be punished" mentality, and the OP's friend's unwillingness to face this issue head on.

It can be hard, but it CAN be done. As I said before the rest of the story came out in the thread, it really just needs 3 things: 1) preparation for countermeasures (refusal to speak, whatever), 2) he H's support (unlikely - she will have to convince him of her position) and 3) a strong will, if she crumples halfway through puttin across her own views and then later retracts "for an easy life" then this will send a message further for the MIL that whatever noises are made in future they're really just all talk and no action.

It's a horrid situation to be in, and similar to what I faced in my PIL's family - I ONLY ever got over it with my H's eyes being truly opened to FIL's behaviour, his support, and really... this sounds cliched... but just growing a thicker skin. And always, ALWAYS remaining calm, with some well prepared answers to what I'd expected the ranting to be about - self help books were a good investment for this - I now have a staple of about 3 "lines" that shuts my PIL right up if they ever start on certain issues, and before I tried to avoid a shouting match (stressful, not pleasant for H or kids), I now know they are not only avoidable, but TOTALLY counter productive. (In my case, not helped by one or two religious issues we disagreed on re: kids upbrining.)

Read some Harriet Lerner books, or that famous one called "Toxic Parents", I'm terrible at remembering titles/authors - but they were the two I got from the library which I keep reocmmending to friends again and again. You could digest their "tactics" and pass them onto the friend, OP?

As for persuading the husband, wouldn't it be better to be able to retreat to home during the course of the "visit"? In a hotel, there is nowhere to go but one room. Staying at home gives this new little family - and the "D"H - a shelter against the bullying!

Yeap, this does sound familiar to me!! I must be a mug as well .

MIL wanted all her children and grandchildren to travell 400 miles to celebrate her birthday ( cant give too many details) on a resort where she had already booked for all of us for one week. I was 8 months pregnant and had to bring my maternity note books just in case....

I KNOW what your friend is going through...please tell her this is only the begining.

Your friend needs to say no,thank-you for the offer but I'd rather stay at home with new baby. Polite but firm.
Your friends husband needs to grow up and realise that he has a family now and his priorities are with them and not pleasing his Mother all the time.

Oh and please do not encourage her to discuss the relationship between mother-son. They will have another subject in common to tak about " the unreasonable DIL"!! Its a slippery slope ground, stay out of it unless well prepared! I wasn't and obviously out of favor at the moment..

I really don't like the sound of her DH blackmailing her.

Refusal to decamp to a hotel with a new baby is one thing, and has good reasons behind it (although, tbh, if you only have one child and are bf, travelling with a baby and being in a lovely hotel with excellent facilities shouldn't be too much of a slog. Spending 4 day cooped up with an over-bearing family is another matter), but deciding to ban her M in a fit of tat for tat is very controlling blackmail, and he should not be treating his partner with such disrespect. Her needs as a new mother run pretty high!

Supporting hi in his family traditions is imprtant to an extent, you have to suck some stuff up, but he also needs to be sensitive to her feelings.

Her MIL is being so U it is absolutely ridiculous! She should not even consider for a moment giving into this demand.

Her H is being horribly U and definitely deserves a slap round the head.

She must make it v. clear that such ludicrous requests will not even be entertained and that her DH must cut his own umbilical cord...his approach does not bode well for them, tbh.

What worries me here is- and I might be completely off tangent so forgive me if I am - but if DH said 'your Mum would be banned from here' I would laugh in his face and tell him to grow up.

The only partner I ever had I woudln;t have done that with was incredibly controlling and emotionally abusive: such a reply would ahve led to him storming out and heading to an ex (which I let him do in the end, wanker).

I woudl be asking why friend doesn;t feel able to just laugh in his face and ignore him.

Good grief! Your friend's DH is a right bell-end!

She needs to stick to her guns because if she starts playing the obedient wife now, she'll be doing it forever.

My DH wouldn't dare tell me that he was going to ban my family from our house. He finds walking with my shoe wedged up his backside rather uncomfortable...

Sounds like the DH is fearful of upsetting mummy dearest and thinks his DW is going to be easier to get around than her. Which not only makes him an asshole, but a spineless one at that.

Your friend needs to put her foot down over this. There is absolutely no logical reason for her to move into a hotel with a new baby if she has a perfectly good home to stay in instead.

If I was her, I would be seriously questionning what kind of family I had married into.

And as for banning his MIL from the home....what a total and utter dick. I'm seething for your friend just on that comment alone. He can't do that, and he'd have to be really stupid to think otherwise.

Family of tossers. And I hope they see this thread.

They stayed for one night, it did not go well, and now they will be staying at home for the duration. I had a good speech for her about how DH needs to support her and DD, etc, etc, and told her if that doesn't work a good slap and a "stop being such a mama's boy, you douchebag!" would be helpful.

The thing is, 99% of the time her DH is a nice guy, really caring and helpful and all that. But he's got this ridiculously huuuuuge blind spot where his family is concerned and I worry that it doesn't bode well for future holidays and their DD's birthday (DD is my Goddaughter as well :o). And I don't like the thought of him threatening "your family can't come here then". I mean, how dare he?!

Oh dear. Hopefully DH realises what an idiot he was forcing her to go now?

Her (D)H is way out of order . Go-on give em a slap i dare ya

Your poor friend.
She probably knows she married a twunt (love that word) but having just had a child she's probably feeling vulnerable and resigned to putting up with it.
What happened at the hotel? Who's decision to come home?

I think it was hers. THEN apparently my friend had half a glass of champagne (she told me it was two or three swallows) and DH refused to let her nurse DD.

I am well fed up with that man.

He REFUSED to let her feed her month old DD? He really is a prize isn't he?