Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or rather, is my friend? In-Law issue

82 replies

CheerfulYank · 21/10/2010 20:59

Ok, so my best friend has always had in law issues. They make elaborate plans around holidays (there are four or five different events around Christmas that they're expected to take part in: cookie baking, going to The Christmas Carol on stage, etc.) And it's not "Oh, these are the plans we have, it'd be lovely if you could attend some of them," it's "You will come or else." If there's any sort of hitch in the plans or disruption of "family time", her MIL gets all distraught and everyone rushes to comfort her and give in to her tantrums.

Anyway, my friend just gave birth to her first DC (a little girl :)) less than a month ago. Her family and her DH's family have both been to visit, but now her IL (MIL, FIL, BIL and wife and two sons) are coming to stay in the city where my friend her DH and DD live. They are getting a hotel for four days and three nights and insisting that my friend and DH and the baby stay the whole time too.

Now, AIBU or is it mad to expect my friend to pack all the acoutrements needed for four days with an infant, find someone to take care of their dog, and go stay at a hotel a few miles from their own house? She doesn't want to go at all, but feels she has no choice. (She's much less bitchy than me, y'see :o) So, AIBU about this being absolutely ridiculous?

OP posts:
Decorhate · 22/10/2010 09:20

OP, is the visit planned for over Christmas or just a random weekend? If it's Christmas I can kind of see why the ILs would like them at the hotel too so everyone is "together" (though I am personally not keen on that sort of thing) but if it's a random weekend then she is def NBU.

And yes, she needs to put her foot down now, otherwise it will just become set in stone and harder to argue against.

I am lolling at the idea of a family get-together to bake cookies though! Think the MIL has been watching too much Martha Stewart! Sounds very controlling btw, insisting that your adult children do all these twee things... I am all for family traditions, etc but really...

MarineIguana · 22/10/2010 09:22

She is of course NBU and No is a complete sentence, but if she needs ammunition, she could tell these idiots that the whole issue is not about what MIL wants or even what she wants (though in reality of course that matters too) - but that they should think of the baby, who needs to be at home, settling in, feeling secure and having everything it needs, not being plonked in a hotel.

She does have to lay the law down now because when you have a baby things are different. The baby's needs do come first. This is her chance to say no and also confront her DH about why exactly he thinks his mother's ridiculous demands need to be obeyed.

One problem is though it can be very hard to stick up for yourself when you have just had a baby and are feeling exhausted and hormonal. I really feel for her.

ScroobiousPip · 22/10/2010 09:25

Could be ex-DHs mother. Obsessed with everyone being together. Hmm. Thankfully she's now a 30hr flight away.

Your friend needs to stick up for herself and the baby or expect a very miserable life ahead. Her DH needs a kick up the derriere.

FakePlasticTrees · 22/10/2010 09:28

tell your friend to get her DH on this thread ASAP.

What the fuck are you playing at? You have no right to tell your DW she has to jump just because your dear Mummy says so and you also have no right to tell her that her own mother isn't welcome in her own home. Grow up, you will drive this woman away, she will snap, you will end up sad, alone, missing out on your DD's childhood and having no time to meet anyone else because your mother will get more demanding, not less as she ages (they all do).

You have to decide who is the most important person in your life, it should be your DD (and being dragged to a hotel isn't in her best interests) and after that, it should be your wife. If your mother's odd requests are more important than your child and wife's happiness, you should do the decent thing and leave so your wife can find a normal bloke to spend her life with.

WitchyFlisspaps · 22/10/2010 09:28

MILADHABU

SarahStratton · 22/10/2010 09:46

Good grief Shock

Fuck Off is also a complete sentence. Maybe she should be thinking about that one.

Jux · 22/10/2010 09:47

Utterly ridiculous and impractical expectation. Your friend needs to put her foot down with her dh, who needs to put his foot down with his mum.

ShrinkingViolet · 22/10/2010 09:56

alternatively she could go to the hotel, order hot and cold running bonbons from room service, and refuse to leave the room.

onmyfeet · 22/10/2010 10:00

Wow.
She needs to stick to "No".

If he objects to her mother ever staying there for that reason, well, I would leave. Because he is being a controlling, thoughtless, unreasonable ass.

Her mother staying there is not even the same situation!

ImGideonsMumAndIHateHimToo · 22/10/2010 10:03

F{Y

wise advice

and exactly what happened with my MIL after a similar start and a few extra issues along the way.

Dh ahsn;t seen her in yeras, she has met 2.8 year old ds4 once.

But I was ;ucky- I had dh onside; without it, as MIL's demands grew, I suspect i would not be with him now (well I know, when FIL ran off with someone else she demanded DH return to the nest and take over 'his share' of the bills)

ImGideonsMumAndIHateHimToo · 22/10/2010 10:03

Argh

FPT

sorry

Inertia · 22/10/2010 10:04

Friend needs to put her foot down now. Baby's needs come first- no other reasoning required.

The MIL sounds like a spoilt brat. Her demands have been indulged and she is acting like a toddler. Boundaries need setting.

Friends DH is coming off worst here- indulging his mother's petulance and adding his own, when he ought to be supporting his wife. He is attempting to bully his wife into submission - utterly spineless.

Please back your friend when she says no !

PercyPigPie · 22/10/2010 10:06

Your poor friend. She needs to put her foot down now or it will be a matter of time until MIL is demanding the little girl is brought over to be shown off to her friends etc etc. It will save tears later. Plus, I hate to say this, but MIL is unlikely to kick up too much of a fuss if she thinks she won't see the grandaughter now.

Teaandcakeplease · 22/10/2010 10:13

Hello Cheerful, the thought of playing happy families with an overbearing MIL with a new baby in a hotel makes my teeth itch. Unless you're lucky and have a flexible baby who sleeps anywhere and is an easy feeder/ winder it would be very stressful for your friend, especially if the baby got overtired from all the stimulation. She'd spend half her time in the hotel room with the baby surely? You can't leave a baby alone in a hotel room to nap can you? Well unless you have a good portable baby monitor. Anyway I digress it's not ideal or practical regardless. Far better to be at home with your newborn.

Agree with so many of the others on here, she needs to set some ground rules now. And her DH needs to cut the apron strings asap to his mummy. He has left his parents and should be cleaving to his wife now. He sounds as selfish as his mother. It's a newborn baby not a 3 yr old, life is hard in the early days.

I suspect by the time you come online again across the water Wink you'll have loads more posts. Dare you to show your friend this thread? Grin

forehead · 22/10/2010 10:16

People should STOP blaming MIL( i say this as a person who has issues with my own 'mil).
The problem is her Dh who is a real twunt. This marriage has little chance of surviving ibecause she is married to a control freak.
I can assure you that this is just the beginning of her woes.

CMOTdibbler · 22/10/2010 10:16

I really worry for her now - will she have to jump to everything her mil demands now ? Is her mum nice and able to have her and the baby to stay ? Cos in that case I'd tell dh to bog off to the hotel with his mummy, and contemplate how he feels about his wife and daughter vs his family while she goes off for some pampering with her mum

ImGideonsMumAndIHateHimToo · 22/10/2010 10:21

Yu see forehead I am not certain youa re right

Oh absoluely her Dh should be in tehre, sticking up for her no question

But chances are MIL has been basically grooming her DH for this for the past 30 years or so. Controlling mothers do that. her Dh may well need help adn caoching to end that. Absolutely he woes it to his DW to get that in place but I doubt all has been equal for him; sounds like the actions of a little boy whose Mother used to throw tantrums and threaten goodness knows what.

ArseFeckDrink · 22/10/2010 10:21

Oh my god, she really needs to ignore the MIL issue for now, and tell not so dear husband to FUCK OFF! How dare he tell her that her mother isn't welcome. It seems like a typical abusive relationship, where it is all about him and he tries to split her from her family. She need to grow a spine, or you need to help her fake one soon. before it gets worse for her

BlueFergie · 22/10/2010 10:22

TO MIL: No. It is not convenient. I don't want to do it. End of discussion.

To DH: No I don't want to do it. Don't threaten me. This is my home too I will not have my family banned from it. I will not be forced by you or your mother to do something that makes no sense and is disruptive to our DD. End of discussion.

To both: F**king crazy bastards (don't say this bit out loud)

wouldliketoknow · 22/10/2010 10:34

my dh wouldn't dare talk to me like that, he would be too afraid of the consequences...

re: family with new born, my bil and wife came to visit a week after birth of ds, they stay with us, they offered to stay in the local hotel but i, not dh, said no, i rather they be at home.
being close together does not mean control freak.

wouldliketoknow · 22/10/2010 10:36

is this the only issue that she has with her dh? a decent bloke wouldn't threaten her, even if he genuenly believe that his mum is not being unreasonable...

Hullygully · 22/10/2010 10:37

Cheerful, if I didn't "know" you I would be shouting troll.

This is so far beyone unreasonable that I can't understand it.

1.Why on earth does MIL want them to stay in the hotel with them?

  1. Why is dh agreeing with her?
forehead · 22/10/2010 10:44

InGideon..
My own MIL is a control freak who has ruled over her children for many years, but despite this my dh (who is a very kind man)defends me against his mother. The OP'S friends dh has to grow some balls, he has a new family now. If he wants to keep that family, he better sort himself out.

TheBrideOfBlatherstein · 22/10/2010 10:46

Going to a hotel is an absolutely crazy idea.

Baby will be in no sort of a routine, Friend will be too tired for a full day of events for 4 days straight, the sheer amount of stuff they'd need to take with them to survive will be ridiculous, other hotel guests will be disturbed by baby's crying in the night, she'll end up tied to the room for 50% of the day while baby sleeps and SHE DOES NOT WANT TO GO.

If she were me, I'd be telling DH to stop being such a Mummy's boy and grow up. DD is more important now and this is not what is good for her. I will go for day trips but will not be moving to a hotel for 4 days. You go - my Mum is coming to stay while you're gone :p

DeadPoncy · 22/10/2010 10:53

Hotels are inflexible places, as regards milk and meals (getting either out of hours is likely to be bloody expensive).

However, the main issue is not the hotel (it is only important insofar as it is a silly idea, and ought not to be championed); it is MIL and DH's bullying (and DH's pandering)

This man is not cut out to be a father, if he can't handle manipulation. Can you all imagine him with a toddler? And what if the baby cries and neither MIL nor "D"H get it "to stop crying"?

They need to stop this, or they won't survive the DC's childhood!

And that is quite apart from the OP's friend's feelings which, I hope I need not say, are being stressed totally unnecessarily. Poor thing!