to not think this is snobbery?

[timetomove]

This is my first AIBU, so be gentle. It follows on from some stuff on the recent thread about PILs and Christmas food.

DH and I do some things differently from my parents. Examples include:

1. only having 1 TV in the house;
2. Not wanting DCs to get DSis until they are a bit older (particularly as they are not yet asking for them).
3. wanting DCs to eat a range of food, esp vegetables.
4. Trying to cook food from scratch when time permits (and it often does not).
5. Opening Christmas presents (apart from stockings) after lunch (this is a tradition from DH's side of the family).
6. Preferring brandy butter to custard on CHristmas pudding.

My mother (who is otherwise really lovely)is very quick to perceive these differences as snobbery on our part and to feel judged by us. For example, she has pretty much said that she thinks our one TV rule is a criticism of the way way she brought up me and my siblings (we did watch quite a lot of TV, but she would be right to say that it seems to have done us no harm!)

I do not think any of these things make me any better than them (or anyone else for that matter), and I try hard not to give them that impression, it is just how we want to do things.

I am sure the fact that I earn more money (due to having had the very good fortune to have parents who cared about my educaton) and that (for work reasons) I have chosen to live in a different part of the country affects how my mum perceives our actions.

To give another (more controverisal) example, the fact that I breast fed was viewed in a similar way by my mum(i.e. as a criticism of her for having FF).

So the question is how I tackle this as I hate accidentally hurting my mum's feelings. I cannot believe that the only way to get my mum to think I am not a snob would be to
do everything exactly as she does or to give up my job and move back near them.

I fear that my mentioning that I am lucky enough to earn more than my parents will lead others to think my mum is probably right in thinking me a snob, but my reason for mentioning this fact is that it is the only explanation I can think of for why my mum sees what she thinks she sees. I really do not judge others for FF or buying their kids a DSi etc, anymore than I like being judged a snob for not doing so.

I don't think the things you've described are snobby at all. And I don't think it's snobby to say that you earn more than your parents. You just had different opportunities.

Could you very, very gently explain to her that just because you do things differently it doesn't imply criticism of her or your upbringing? I imagine, though, that you've already done that.

FWIW I FF my DD and she has helped herself to my DS and I don't think you're a snob.

YANBU it's your life and you can choose your own traditions etc. Maybe your mum just feels a little insecure and left behind. Surely if you don't see that much of her (guessing as you say you don't live near) you could put up with different habits when Christmas etc happens. Why not have both brandy butter and custard...

yanbu. agree with curious - sounds like your mum feels insecure, it's a shame she takes these relatively minor differences of opinion so personally.

YANBU. Your post is very considered and mature. Your mum will have to lump it - your life, your rules. Surely she knows you well enough to know that you aren't being snobbish?

She has to accept that people make different choices.

Well you've pointed out big time that you are doing things in a much more middle class way than your mum did! How do you expect her to feel? If you really have bettered yourself via a good education and a superior career, it's "... the way she brought up my siblings and I" rather than me and my siblings.

Do you get on with your mum? If you have lots in common and chat/share about most things, these things should be insignificant. But sounds like things get chilly with her - maybe I'm wrong.

I would say don't discuss your income with you parents, I certainly don't with mine and vice versa. Equally don't make a big deal about your choices, just do it and don't discuss them/make a big deal of them. They're not that unusual.

your parents...

Oncemai- are you sure?

lol @ proper English being middle class

Perhaps the OP should say "Gawd, luvaducks!" next time she speaks to her mum.

I would guess your Mum is feeling guilty and defensive about the way she brought you up - be gentle and remind her you think she did a great job

None of those things are snobbery. They are preferences. They might be snobbery if you sniffed at other for doing differently.

YANBU. I could've written a good proportion of your post. Its your life, do things how you see fit. I also think your mother is a little insecure and maybe a bit envious. I think mine is too.

If you really have bettered yourself via a good education and a superior career, it's "... the way she brought up my siblings and I" rather than me and my siblings.

ERm, I don't think this is right at all. You wouldn't say "it's the way she brought I up" would you? It's "the way she brought me up (and my siblings)" wherever they go in the sentence.

YANBU, OP. I think the only thing you can do, if you want to, is to keep reiterating what a lovely grandma she will be because she was such a good mum to you and your sibs.

However, I have to say that I think opening Christmas presents after lunch is like torture for kids, esp if they are small. Couldn't you give way on that one thing? I'm saying it for your children, not your mother.

No no no horton!That is the one thing I stand firm on in my family! It was my parents' tradition and DH found it odd to start with. It's not torture, it's delayed gratification and much much better . We have stockings on christmas morning and main presents after lunch. Otherwise christmas is over in a flash.

"my siblings and me"

Ah, but it's so mean! And they don't get as long to play with their presents on the actual day.

And you have to hold them off for hours instead of just letting them play while you drink booze and eat nibbly things and generally relax...

Not mean at all. And they have stocking presents to play with. And the expectation is wonderful! It also means that come Boxing Day they have brand new things to play with.

Mine seem to quite like it. If they've never known anything else it doesn't seem mean.

I always think it must be quite sad to have got to 10am and have nothing left to open.

You're not setting out to paint a bad reflection of others around you - live your life the way YOU want to. If family members are so insecure that they percieve this as an attack on their own actions or behaviour, it's their problem - not yours.

Ignore it - live your life according to your own values. Whether other people agree or disagree with the way you do it is moot - sod them.

"If you really have bettered yourself via a good education and a superior career, it's "... the way she brought up my siblings and I" rather than me and my siblings."

Hoist with your own petard there, onceamai !

Of course you are not being unreasonable. To be honest, I think your only mistake is agonising over this. I mean, I do understand the intricacies of mothers and familes and the agonies and ecstasies of it all, believe me. But as you say you are not intentionally being critical or smug...so what more can you do?

The only advice I'd give is to try and laugh off any tension, relax about it, give her a hug and say 'you know what a wonderful mum you were/are'.

And stop bleeding worrying!

I always think it must be quite sad to have got to 10am and have nothing left to open.

Ah, now I see your point here. I don't let my DD open everything all at once first thing. But she does get to open them pre-lunch (lunch is around 2 or 3pm, so possibly we are talking about a similar present-opening timescale!)

COuld be horton, could be!

My PIL think that anything we do differently to them is snobbery. But FIL is obsessed with the idea of people thinking that they are better than him

My FIL is of the firm opinion that everyone who lives in Boston is a snob. He has nver been in Boston, or the USA.