to not think this is snobbery?

[timetomove]

This is my first AIBU, so be gentle. It follows on from some stuff on the recent thread about PILs and Christmas food.

DH and I do some things differently from my parents. Examples include:

1. only having 1 TV in the house;
2. Not wanting DCs to get DSis until they are a bit older (particularly as they are not yet asking for them).
3. wanting DCs to eat a range of food, esp vegetables.
4. Trying to cook food from scratch when time permits (and it often does not).
5. Opening Christmas presents (apart from stockings) after lunch (this is a tradition from DH's side of the family).
6. Preferring brandy butter to custard on CHristmas pudding.

My mother (who is otherwise really lovely)is very quick to perceive these differences as snobbery on our part and to feel judged by us. For example, she has pretty much said that she thinks our one TV rule is a criticism of the way way she brought up me and my siblings (we did watch quite a lot of TV, but she would be right to say that it seems to have done us no harm!)

I do not think any of these things make me any better than them (or anyone else for that matter), and I try hard not to give them that impression, it is just how we want to do things.

I am sure the fact that I earn more money (due to having had the very good fortune to have parents who cared about my educaton) and that (for work reasons) I have chosen to live in a different part of the country affects how my mum perceives our actions.

To give another (more controverisal) example, the fact that I breast fed was viewed in a similar way by my mum(i.e. as a criticism of her for having FF).

So the question is how I tackle this as I hate accidentally hurting my mum's feelings. I cannot believe that the only way to get my mum to think I am not a snob would be to
do everything exactly as she does or to give up my job and move back near them.

I fear that my mentioning that I am lucky enough to earn more than my parents will lead others to think my mum is probably right in thinking me a snob, but my reason for mentioning this fact is that it is the only explanation I can think of for why my mum sees what she thinks she sees. I really do not judge others for FF or buying their kids a DSi etc, anymore than I like being judged a snob for not doing so.

I feel your pain - it's all I am saying.

can you make a joke about it?

I don't have kids but when I was small a similar rule applied. stocking presents in the morning, tree presents at lunchtime. It meant my parents enjoyed Christmas morning without having to assemble toys and find endless amounts of AA batteries whilst nursing a slight hangover from Xmas eve. Did not do us any harm whatsoever. we still had a good 10 days school holiday to play with the toys.

We also had an advent calendar that you put stuff in rather than take it out. That gave us 24 little things to play with or eat in the morning.

I think it is a good idea. We are also not middle class snobs. My parents just wanted to make Christmas less stressful and more fun for the whole family.
As for the one tv, well could she bring a portable just for the few days she is there?
I also suspect she feels a bit insecure and that she doesn't really fit in your world anymore.

Definitely, we had stockings first thing, then breakfast, then church if at Granny's, then home champagne picky type lunch with presents, then big fat roast later on.

Has this turned into a 'when is it right to open presents' thread?

OP as long as you are not (directly or indirectly) saying or implying that they way they do things is wrong, rather than just not the path you have chosen, then you are not being a snob.

Brandy butter is nicer, anyway. :)

How old are your children by the way?

onceamai - if you're going to be a pedant, at least make sure you know what you're talking about!

op - yanbu. None of what you describe sounds like snobbery to me.

I also [hgrin]ed at 'my siblings and I'.

'...and I' is not always right.

Seems like you have a near-perfect life and your mum is a bit of a pain/slightly immature.

Have a cuppa and a chat ?

YANBU.

I agree with delayed gratifioation (though we don't wait until after lunch ourselves).

Brandy butter is nicer if you like Xmas pud with brandy butter, but if you like it with custard then it's not. Can you not offer both? If we have people for Xmas lunch then they get a lot of choice: brandy cream, rum butter as well as custard, though the rum butter is nicer with mince pies imo.

If your mum brings up the subject again then you can tell her that you loved the way you were brought up, but dh loves the way he was brought up too and it would be utterly selfish of you to insist on all your own childhood's traditions, without allowing dh some of his. As you were not brought up to be that selfish then you have amalgamated traditions from both sides.

Snobbery - only having brandy butter at your house when you know they like custard
Not snobbery - bringing along or requesting brandy butter at their house as well as the custard

I actually agree with all your points except5. As a child it was horrible having to wait until after lunch to enjoy our new toys etc. And mum often wondered why we ate 3 mouth fulls & then said we were full, only to feel hungry 10 minutes after the presents were open!

She didn't learn, we did it every year for several years! Hated it!

YANBU

You are the mum now. Do things the way you want to for your own famiy!

Well said JUX

It's not fair of your mum to call you snobs because you are including your dh's traditions. You will always get differeing of opinions in families but it is sad when they cause fullon arguments

oncemai - my siblings and me, not I.

Just get on and do things the way you do them - although it would be nice to provide custard AND brandy butter if that's what they like, because their need to have strong traditions - like custard - are presumably as valid as your DH's present opening routine. If Christmas is a shared occasion, build in some of their traditions too.

And while making your own way and you own household methods, be sure to tell her how much you enjoyed your childhood and their way, too.

Luckily my MIL/Mum just think I ak crazt in the way I do things ;)

Why the brandy butter OR custard? Surely you can have both? I do. OR is a bad word, AND is a good word.

We always go to Inlaws for Christmas Day so do pressies at home in the morning, pressies when we get there and then their big pressies after lunch. Then we do Christmas again on Boxing Day with my family so another round of pressies! We make a point of nothing really through the year so we can go mental at Christmas, is great fun.

Yes, for goodness sake let the kids open 'Santa' presents in the morning, that's the excitement of Christmas for them!

You could save other family presents until after lunch.

Sorry to post an disaapear - had to go out.

When at my parents house for Christmas, we do try to follow their traditions rather than ours (so we have custard, although will also offer to make brandy butter) and kids open a few more pressies in the morning. We have, though, tried to be at home for Christmas the last few years while the kids are prime Father Christmas age (5 and 7). They have never complained about waiting for pressies (they do get quite large stockings in the morning though!) If they did, we might rethink.

My mother's reaction tends to be a little like onceamai's, who seems to have taken my post differently than (from?) others. I really don't talk about what I earn in front of my parents, but they are not stupid. They know what I do and where I live. I acknowledge that some of the things I mentioned in my post are quite middle class, but my question is whether the only solution is to stop doing middle class things.

I THINK it is my mum having an inferior complex rather than me having a superiority one, but i wanted to check how it comes across. The advice to big them up as much as I can (they really are fantastic with the kids, particularly my mum) is, I think the way to go. I am incredibly grateful for the way my parents brought me up and the fact I do some things a bit differently is really no reflection on them - maybe i need to thank them from time to time but I worry that might sound smug. We will try to fit in with their way of doing things when we are at their house (kids can survive without veg for a few days!), but will continue to do things our way at home and not worry too much about it.

I can't believe people are still "over-compensating" their grammar by getting "me" and "I" muddled up! For the record, all these are correct:

I brought my children up.
My children were brought up by me.
My mother brought me and my siblings up.
My siblings and I always got on.
My DP/DH/DW and I are bringing up our two children.

As for opening Christmas presents after lunch, this is entirely the right thing to do. I can still remember the HORROR of seeing DW's nephews tearing into their presents one Christmas morning, hurling the paper across the room, looking at a present for two seconds before piling into the next... (shudder)...

Sorry, should add that we do offer them custard. It is the fact that WE choose to have brandy butter rather than custard that is the problem.

The correct way to open presents is not about timing but about politeness - one person opens a present, looks at it, everyone goes ooh, says thank you if the giver is in the room, then someone else opens a present. You take it in turns.

What's bizarre is the way in which things that cost substantial money (televisions, electronic games for children) have become the hallmarks of working class life. And retrospectively, too, in that people too old to have raised children with multiple TVs nonetheless see refusal to do that as a criticism.

You've got a different view than your mum on things such as brandy butter, vegetables and the telly! I think you need to make a joke about it when your mum mentions such things.

We do it your way, Trillian. Except when it is DH's turn, no-one goes ooh, they all go more socks, lucky you.

Spare a thought for my god-mother's children who opened presents after luch and had to write a thank-you note for each before moving on to the next one.

Why do you do things differently to your Mother? Its because you think its better to do it you're way. To I, snobbery is about thinking other people are worser than you, so no, i don't think your being a snob. Snobbery is negative. Doing it your way is positive.

(All mistakes are deliberate to annoy certain people!)

Brandy Sauce in Christmas Pud is much nicer than either brandy butter or custard.