to not think this is snobbery?

[timetomove]

This is my first AIBU, so be gentle. It follows on from some stuff on the recent thread about PILs and Christmas food.

DH and I do some things differently from my parents. Examples include:

1. only having 1 TV in the house;
2. Not wanting DCs to get DSis until they are a bit older (particularly as they are not yet asking for them).
3. wanting DCs to eat a range of food, esp vegetables.
4. Trying to cook food from scratch when time permits (and it often does not).
5. Opening Christmas presents (apart from stockings) after lunch (this is a tradition from DH's side of the family).
6. Preferring brandy butter to custard on CHristmas pudding.

My mother (who is otherwise really lovely)is very quick to perceive these differences as snobbery on our part and to feel judged by us. For example, she has pretty much said that she thinks our one TV rule is a criticism of the way way she brought up me and my siblings (we did watch quite a lot of TV, but she would be right to say that it seems to have done us no harm!)

I do not think any of these things make me any better than them (or anyone else for that matter), and I try hard not to give them that impression, it is just how we want to do things.

I am sure the fact that I earn more money (due to having had the very good fortune to have parents who cared about my educaton) and that (for work reasons) I have chosen to live in a different part of the country affects how my mum perceives our actions.

To give another (more controverisal) example, the fact that I breast fed was viewed in a similar way by my mum(i.e. as a criticism of her for having FF).

So the question is how I tackle this as I hate accidentally hurting my mum's feelings. I cannot believe that the only way to get my mum to think I am not a snob would be to
do everything exactly as she does or to give up my job and move back near them.

I fear that my mentioning that I am lucky enough to earn more than my parents will lead others to think my mum is probably right in thinking me a snob, but my reason for mentioning this fact is that it is the only explanation I can think of for why my mum sees what she thinks she sees. I really do not judge others for FF or buying their kids a DSi etc, anymore than I like being judged a snob for not doing so.

Agree with Blu on the brandy sauce.

Brandy butter is for mincepies in our house. Just because there aren't quite enough calories in them already

In our house one person takes role of present distributor (adult, child whoever) and makes sure everyone has a present then everyone opens. Means the opening gets spread, and everyone actually looks at their presents!

The correct way to open presents is not about timing but about politeness - one person opens a present, looks at it, everyone goes ooh, says thank you if the giver is in the room, then someone else opens a present. You take it in turns.

ARGH, are you related to my husband?! I can't bear that. I prefer to open all my presents in one glorious rush of greed and thank people afterwards privately. We have to do one at a time and exclamations of wonder over socks and bubble bath at DH's parents and it drives me crazy.

One at a time with exclamations of wonder is the way to go. What's the point of piling into the presents and ripping them all open in less than half an hour, leaving only small-talk, shit TV and drink to fill the long hours until the Doctor Who Christmas Special comes on??

On the christmas pud lubricant question, I can't stand brandy butter (well brandy anything actually) so we have double cream. But we also have brandy butter for my dad. And custard for DH because he always wanted it as a kid and was never allowed it

YANBU

But your mum just sounds insecure. I'd say try to to rub her face in your different choices, and respect her way of doing things when around her.

I like you Unquietdad - you do sort everyone out in your own quiet considered way

I aim to please. But don't always succeed (just ask the Christians and feminists :) )

Aww, I like that Gore - custard because he is now a grownup and can have whatever he wants on his Christmas pudding!

I'm undecided as to whether waiting until after lunch is snobbery or ascetism. It is madness, either way.

I sympathise and have no answers - I too find it difficult that I have been educated into a lifestyle that my parents feel undermines them and won't participate in.....

Mine constantly criticise my restaurant habit, are v. uneasy/ downright embarrasing if I take them out anywhere half decent (they think Brewer's Fayre is 'a nice lunch', Pizza Express is 'posh') are dismissive of my (admittedly quite frequent) holidays, think I'm ridiculous because I have a cleaner and my Father is obsessed with the fact that I'm learning to ski.

Their attitude really annoys me. They are the ones who encouraged and pushed me (gently) into my well paid secure job. WTF did they expect!

What also pisses me off is that lots of my schoolfriends parents have adapted and now also go on lots of holidays, restaurant meals etc but mine resolutely stay at home and have no fun (they can afford it - money isn't the issue).......

:o WTF did they expect!

'Tis funny when parents are aghast that when they remove the mold , the jelly is exactly the shape of the mold. :o

Waiting until after lunch (after church in my case cos we have an evening lunch [hgrin]) is the right and proper way for big presents. Stocking frenzy first thing then take it in turns to open tree gifts later.

Your mum sounds like she has a chip on her shoulder OP and everything you do is going to be taken as an implied criticism. It says a lot about her sadly but I don't think there's much you can do beyond continuing to be considerate and not taking her comments to heart.

There are so many presents in our family and we take it in turns to open that unless we start about 11am, we don't finish until about 6pm.

I don't know what you can do about your mum seeing you developing your own family traditions as a criticism of hers. If she says something, can you ask if she does everything the way her mum did?

FTR - white sauce AND brandy butter

My in-laws pretty much think the same of me - I ignore it but it's harder when it's your own mum. She should accept that you and DH are bound to do things differently.

Ps. My mum has to make brandy butter, rum sauce, brandy sauce and custard at Christmas to make everyone happy!

I cant see the snobbery! I love that, how people will basically attack you for wanting what is best for your child,
My grandmother gave me hell for not letting ds have chocolate before her was 3. She would actually fall out with me about it!

We are in very similar situation, my & DP's parents do things quite differently to us & my parents (dad esp) often commented on being 'snobby' but I see it as just different & would say its probably bit of insecurity on their part. Would say when its brought up to either point out that you are trying to bring up your DC the best you can & that you know your parents did the same, but times change OR make light of it & try not to worry. Ps And try to keep your 'snobcheck' working when with your parents, my sis is, like us, better off than my folks were & seems completely unaware of appearing snobby about LOTS of things. She loudly comments on particular supermarkets/organic meat etc when with parents & I don't thats particularly necessary.