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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to believe that decent, fair relationships are the exception to the rule

54 replies

GreenasJade · 21/10/2010 16:07

rather than the norm?

This isn't about a thread but is inspired some currently running.

I have been in an abusive relationship myself and I look at the couples I know and in every single one of them, someone is top dog while the other puts up and shuts up, every single one. I don't actually think decent relationships really exist.

I think if you say YOU are in a good relationship it is probably because YOU are the one getting more out of it.

I don't want a bun fight about this. I just feel so bloody jaded about relationships. Is yours good? Why is it good?

Do any of you have partners who

worry about you it things are a bit tough for you
Who feel sad and try to make you feel better if you are disappointed or sad about something
Who notice you don't look well or look tired and then try to do something to help
Who would NEVER forget your birthday, anniversary or a Christmas Gift because you are so important to them
Who prefer to spend time with you and your dc rather than with their mates

I think if you DO you are severely in the minority and this is not actually a normal state of affairs.

I have never known it Sad. I don't believe it is achievable for the majority.

OP posts:
RobynLou · 21/10/2010 16:10

what a deperately sad post.

My DH does all the things you mention and I do too, we love and respect each other, we're friends and lovers and family and we would always put the other straight after our daughter in our list of priorities.

Everyone I know bar one person is in a relationship that I would describe as being the same as ours.

bumpybecky · 21/10/2010 16:13

what a sad post :(:(

I think I'm in a very good relationship. It's not perfect and we do have occasional squabbles, but I wouldn't say either is getting more out of it than the other.

From your list the only one DH would fail at is the remembering birthdays (mine is in the middle of a 9 family birthdays in 2 weeks!) and anniversaries (but then I forget most years too!).

From friends and family I can think of several other couples in similar relationships. I think it's more normal than you think

pommedeterre · 21/10/2010 16:14

I think I have this. He's lovely. Not perfect sure but lovely. We seem to have worked out ways to compromise. I get less sleep than him because sleep is more important to him but I get a lot more time to talk about me/vent/ask his advice because that is more important to me. We know where we have to be good to the other and when we can be more selfish.
We work in the same industry and are both passionate about it - that was how we met. So big common interest.
We have been through a lot of shit as well and in the first year we both broke each other's heart a bit. We just kept on going and now things are good.

Lauriefairycake · 21/10/2010 16:15

My relationship is amazing and we love each other very much. I don't think we are exceptional as we wouldn't put up with any less.

The only people I know in terrible relationships are people I counsel as a job and people on here (though I don't really 'know' them on here).

Debzk · 21/10/2010 16:15

I think this is really Sad and really hope that this is not the case. I have a very good relationship with my husband and neither one of us is considered 'top dog'. I think part of it is because we have been through so much sh*t in the 15 years that we have been together (serious car accident, death of a child, miscarriages & bankruptcy to name a few) that we are so strong together and love and respect each other for who we are. We don't have much money but do go out occasionally together or separately with mates and we always try and allow the other to do the things that really enjoy (football for DH, occasional girly night for me) without guilt or expectation.

I certainly do not have a perfect life (or a perfect marriage for that matter) but I am thankful for what I have and truly hope you can find happiness in a relationship someday

Anniegetyourgun · 21/10/2010 16:15

Well, you are bound to find a higher proportion of crap ones on a relationship discussion board than anywhere else, simply because this is where people come for advice and support when things are bad enough to complain about, in their own relationships or someone they know and care about. So you'll get a snapshot of the worst here - bar those who don't even get access to a computer. Don't be too disheartened.

TattyDevine · 21/10/2010 16:16

My husband is like the one you described and I am lucky, and so is he, because I too do everything I can to make his life as lovely as possible my own way. That's what we do for each other, we make each other's life as lovely as possible.

On our wedding day he took me aside and said "I'm going to make your life so perfect, you will never regret marrying me".

He was right.

I wish it were like that for everyone.

TattyDevine · 21/10/2010 16:16

Now if I could just get these damn kids off to school, my life would be 100% better!!!! Grin

Oscalito · 21/10/2010 16:16

I don't expect my partner to worry or feel sad if I'm down. I might tell him about it, but why should it make him sad? He's more likely to try and get my mind off it than get down himself, and that's in the end a better solution.

If he forgot a christmas gift I wouldn't be too bothered, he's busy and presents aren't everything. Plus I could always remind him in advance. Last birthday he just told me what he wanted and I got it. And i am happy for him to spend time with his mates, it gives us a both a break. I suppose what I'm saying is maybe you're expecting a bit too much? Look after yourself if you're feeling down, don't rely on someone else to do it. If they do, great, but it's really up to you to take care of yourself.

Quodlibet · 21/10/2010 16:17

I'm really sad you feel like that.

I've been through periods myself when I didn't think it was possible either, but I'm now happy to say that my partner definitely ticks all the qualities on your list. He is a wonderful, thoughtful and caring man and I definitely don't take him for granted. I don't think that I'm 'top dog' and getting more out of it than him either - we try to look after each other.

We don't have any children yet, which I'm sure puts a lot of strain on any relationship. But I wanted to say, no, IME I think there is more reason to be optimistic than you are feeling at the moment.

cory · 21/10/2010 16:18

A very sad post this.

But yes, I do have a partner who does all the caring things you listed. So does my father. So do my brothers. So does my BIL. So did my FIL. In fact, so do most men I know.

Original poster
GreenasJade · 21/10/2010 16:21

I think it must be me. I don't seem to inspire that kind of feeling in anyone, well not for more than a few weeks anyway.

My Mum says things like "there is a reason that women live longer than men, it is their reward for all the crap they have to put up with". I don't actually see my Dad is being such a big problem though, out of the two I would say she is the biggest PITA.

My MIL is in her fifties and has not a pot to piss in. FIL gives her a minimal amount to live on each week while sitting on a huge bank account.

My sister is a complete bossy boots and totally rules the roost, though to be fair they do seem to care a lot about each other.

My SIL are both with bossy, controlling men.

I don't have that many friends but their partners are ALL without exception selfish men, who have been unfaithful to them.

I also read so many sad threads (posted a few of my own too) on here. It makes me feel really hopeless about relationships. I would prefer to be single forever I think, I don't think I will ever find what some of you seem to have.

OP posts:
Itsjustafleshwound · 21/10/2010 16:27

I am sorry that you feel this way.

To add my pennysworth - I don't think there is such a thing as a good or a bad relationship. I am of the opinion that often a relationship is more based on what you are prepared to put up with and endure, I suppose a 'pay off' be it good or bad.

I think often people are in bad relationships because of themselves and their self esteem issues - they have partners giving them the kind of feedback and behaviour which reinforces the feelings of inadequacy.

I won't say my relationship is ideal and my partner is by no means a saint, but on balance he makes me feel good about myself and worthy and is my best friend.

Original poster
GreenasJade · 21/10/2010 16:28

My ex h stepped over me as I lay on the bathroom floor with norovirus, when I told him I really couldn't cope with caring for dc that day, he phoned his Mum to come over and take them. As he left I heard his Mum say "I really think you should stay, she looks terrible ds" and he said "oh she'll be ok". The following day when I still had it and his Mum had left he said "Oh FFS! Alright you were ill but its getting f*cking boring now!".

And when I had bad news about a family member he said

"God I hate it when you get bad news, you always do this white, shocked face and it really pisses me off".

Thats the kind of thing I am talking about, not me drifting around with a long face hoping he will notice iyswim?

OP posts:
emptyshell · 21/10/2010 16:29

My husband is fantastic - an utter gentle giant. He doesn't always get it all right - but he TRIES, and he's the kindest, most thoughtful man I've ever known.

Yes, he drives me crackers, bangs his head off low ceilings everywhere (he's massively massively tall), hogs the duvet and leaves his socks everywhere and is the world's most accident prone man (ended up in A+E loading the washing machine one) - but I know I landed a truly rare gem when I got him. Despite being through some utter utter craply heartbreaking times - I wouldn't be without him for the world. He's even got me a decent mother in law as well.

They're out there when you least expect them.

Went through some right bastards to get to him though!

Itsjustafleshwound · 21/10/2010 16:34

What was your ex-h like when you were courting?

People only act the way they do if they are allowed to

He sounds like a complete d**s

FakePlasticTrees · 21/10/2010 16:35

My DH does all those things you said, he's a great bloke and I do the same for him. I was raised by parents with a similarly caring relationship and I guess I just assumed I'd find the same.

I also know several couples who appear to have similar relationships. Don't think the relationship section on here is the standard situation for most people.

SuchProspects · 21/10/2010 16:35

Greenas - With your experience ynbu to feel that way but I don't think good relationships are exceptional. Maybe your role models have made it difficult for you to build one? Have you considered relationship counseling? If you've got no model for building what you want it might help you work out how to do it. You don't have to be in a relationship to benefit from relationship counseling - in fact if you have a hard time with relationships starting off on your own and finding out about yourself is probably best.

madhairday · 21/10/2010 16:36

Green - I'm so sad for you :(

No, not all men are like your ex. My dh is all the things you describe in your OP and more. And a lot of the men I know are the same - caring, sensitive, upbuilding, lovely.

Don't give up on men or do yourself down. There are fantastic men out there. Sounds like you think only little of yourself though and perhaps need to look at building up your self esteem.

All the best to you.

RitaLynn · 21/10/2010 16:37

I'm single at the moment (or just starting to see someone rather), but I think if you're unhappy, there's a tendency to want to think that deep down, most people are stuck in miserable relationships, because it's comforting to some degree.

Original poster
GreenasJade · 21/10/2010 16:38

He was lovely when we were first together but you know what with hindsight I can remember a couple of things like going out with a mate one night and when I told him I was going he said well come back to mine afterwards and I will give you both a lift home and make sure you get back safely. What a lovely bloke I thought, we got back about 10 and he had gone to bed, not asleep but refused to give us a lift as he had said he would and got quite unpleasant with me about it. It was pretty embarassing and a couple of times when he just didn't turn up but always had a good excuse. He was so fab the rest of the time thought that I just ignored it........

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 21/10/2010 16:41

See, maybe it's your expectations. I would have considered behaving like that at dating stage to be a 'dumping' offence, but then I'd been raised with a certain example of what to expect, and tended not to put up with anything less.

I'm sorry for you, you will find a decent man, you have to make sure you don't put up with shits along the way, because every minute you're wasting on a wanker, is a minute you're not available to meet someone lovely.

mrsoliverramsay · 21/10/2010 16:42

My DH is a fantastic husband but I think he lets things go when he doesn't really have to with me TBH. He said I was the dominant one in the relationship and immediatly I thought of Mumsnet and how they would think I was a cow. I was completley shocked. I am not abusive or anything like that but it is me who watches what I want on TV (he doesn't mind as it lets him play his PC game) and where we go for a day out, etc. In truth I am fed up with deciding everything and want him to input more but he is happy to go with the flow. I am dominant because I have to be, I suppose.

We are very happy together though and we wouldn't be without each other

Itsjustafleshwound · 21/10/2010 16:45

My theory about why marriages fail, is because women think they can change the man, and the man thinks the woman will never change ... Wink

We had couple counselling before we got married - we are still arguing about the same things 14/15 years on, but at least we knew what we were going to argue about!

EvilAntsAndMiasmas · 21/10/2010 17:08

My DP does all of those things - although like Quodlibet no DC on the scene yet.

Still I think wankers are usually wankers to a certain extent from the off - kids or no kids. Certainly there are some of my friends who I worry about because of what I preceive as "warning signs" in their partners, and others whose relationships may or may not last forever, but who I am confident will not end up being totally vile to each other in the way you describe your ex's behaviour.

I think you don't get the partner you deserve, but the partner you think you deserve. If you are used to being treated shittily, you will accept someone who treats you slightly less shittily next time. But you need to settle for nothing less than the list you started.

There's another thread in here where some posters are making lists of what they require in their next partner - anything from "likes rock music" to "doesn't hit the dog" - maybe you should join in?