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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my MIL to stay?

59 replies

WriterofDreams · 19/10/2010 20:01

I'm due to have my first baby on Christmas Day. It's the first gc on both sides of the family so understandably there is a lot of excitement, especially from my mum and MIL. I posted before about a minor drama that erupted about where my mum and dad would stay when they visit after he's born (decided on a hotel, all seems ok on that front) but DH has now told me that MIL wants to come and stay once I start my maternity leave (I have no idea how long for) to "help out with the house" or as DH so aptly puts it "to mother you."

There are a few problems. Firstly I can't see my parents being too impressed about her staying in the house when they've been banished to a hotel. Secondly, I can see her coming for a week and then not leaving until a good while after the baby is actually born. Thirdly, even though she is a lovely lovely person and she has done heaps to help me in the past, having her in the house really puts me on edge and the thought of it happening even now (when I'm only 30 weeks) nearly makes me cry, never mind when I'm about to pop.

That said, I wonder if I'm being too hasty and whether I would appreciate having her around the last few weeks to keep me company and help to get the house ready. The thing that puts me off is that she tends to be quite overbearing. The problem is she's known me since I was 19 and I think she still sees me as a feckless student who needs to have the house cleaned and the bills sorted out. She can't really see me as a grown woman who can run her own house (however haphazardly) and who needs her own space. I can see her really getting on my nerves.

I asked DH to suss out soon what her plans are so I can at least know that much. I think on balance it might be best to just tell her I'd rather not have her visit at all. Any opinions?

OP posts:

maddy68 · 19/10/2010 20:10

Get you oh to tactfully say that while you really appreciate the gesture you really want to have those final weeks of solitude to yourself as it it the last chance for a while

flickor · 19/10/2010 20:13

Say no. You are only going to get bigger and you will be very hormonal. I am thirty nine weeks and burst into tears today just because I could not release the new push chair. Really silly.

Say thank you and say how much you will need her help once the baby is born.

My MIL (she of the only put on eight pounds during pregnancy) wanted to come and see us as soon as baby was born in hospital. I called her and said no please come and see us for a long weekend as our guest with hubby when the baby is three weeks.

They just want to get involved but it is your house and your baby.

ArmyBarmyMummy · 19/10/2010 20:19

Tough call. You have to decide what u want quickly then it is for DH to explain to his mum e.g " as a family we'd really like to have some space to bond to start with but of course you must visit. X and Y (your parents) have found a really good deal at....."

In defence of MILs, I had severe PND after DD1 (now 11) and would have needed to stay in hospital for weeks if MIL hadn't taken time off work to live with us and take care of both of us. It's been tricky this time 'round (DD2 4mths)to stop her wanting to do the same.

Our DC are only GC on both sides. Both sets come for days at a time, usually a day or two too long for me but grin and bear it for sake of DC.

ChaoticAngel · 19/10/2010 20:22

YANBU point out it would be unfair for your MIL to stay at the house if your parents have to use an hotel.

SpookyMousePink · 19/10/2010 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TubbyDuffs · 19/10/2010 20:25

Personally I would have hated having anyone stay with me during the last few weeks of my first pregnancy.

You could always just say that you want to enjoy the last weeks of being a couple before a baby comes along and ask that maybe she can come for a visit once you have settled into a nice routine.

ForMashGetSmash · 19/10/2010 20:27

Hmmm my MIL did this and stayed for THREE MONTHS! The worst thng was that she was useful....and company....but she also got on my nerves...I realised I was becoming reliant on her...instead of learnig to cop in those important first months...MIL was always there. I had to practically throw her out!

hidingunderthecovaarrrggghh · 19/10/2010 20:31

Say NO! The last few weeks of your first pregnancy can easily be spent lying in bed, doing the odd bit of nesting, watching telly, chilling out, going for a meal with your DP. You don't need someone fussing around you IMO, you need to enjoy the last bit of peace you will have for the next 18 yrs!!!!

Last weeks of pregnancy with DC2 is a total different ball game. Reserve your MIL's help for then - you'll need it!

Original poster

WriterofDreams · 19/10/2010 20:32

Yeah Mash that's exactly what I'm afraid of! The thing that worries me is that she won't commit to a particular time which makes me think she's planning on just planting herself permanently! Aggggh!

OP posts:

Sufi · 19/10/2010 20:33

God I can't think of anything worse. You need that time to yourself & she will annoy you even if you were really close - thanks to hormones, tiredness & discomfort.

Spookymouse's idea is great & is what we did. You can pitch it to both parents & MIL as being 'a very great help'' if they set up a rota after baby is born. So, DH first on paternity leave, then MIL for 2 wks, then your parents for 2 wks (eg) = 6 wks of you having the help when you need it most. Perfect.

fruitstick · 19/10/2010 20:42

I was vile in the last weeks of pregnancy. Frustrated, tired, uncomfortable/ Spent a lot of time snoozing on sofa and watching Diagnosis Murder.

Really wasn't very good company and just wanted to be by myself.

Now I have 2 DCs I cherish those few weeks of being totally alone for most of the day. It will NEVER happen again.

Well at least not for a few years

fruitstick · 19/10/2010 20:44

Also, once you become a mother, you kind of take second place in most things. Your children always come first.

Therefore your pregnancy is your last chance to be completely and utterly selfish. Not to the point of being unpleasant but very firm about what you want.

Good idea about giving her the name of your parents hotel. At least if she knows your parents aren't going to stay either, she at least won't feel second fiddle.

mazzystartled · 19/10/2010 20:48

I think you need to be totally frank with DH.

You want and NEED to have some time alone to relax and mentally prepare; and some final moments (for now) alone with DH to just be together.

And bluntly - can you imagine going into labour - and going through the first stages of labour with her in the house? I think it would put unimaginable pressure on you to deliver (literally).

No, she can't possibly stay. You'd love her to pop in and see you, you're looking forward to having her company at Christmas, and you can't wait for all of her wonderful help and support when you have the baby. But not before,

ForMashGetSmash · 19/10/2010 20:49

Writer...say no...a new baby is a mad upheaval in one way but not in another...you can as anothe poster said, lie on the sofa with the baby and all you need nearby...they sleep a LOT....and if you find yourself needing a chat well that's what Mumsnet and Mother and Baby groups are for!

ZZZenAgain · 19/10/2010 20:50

I think you should say no.

DuelingFanjo · 19/10/2010 20:50

you are most definitely NOT being unreasonable. I have told my DH that his mum can't stay at our house - she is arriving in the country on my due date. Thankfully she is getting a place to rent for 3 weeks and I will put my foot down if she tries to stay. I think it's probably hard enough in the couple of weeks leading upto the birth and no one should be expected to have house guests in that time, nor after the baby is born. I want to be able to express myself freely and would feel completely stifled if someone other than my DH was in the house. Is she going to be there when you go into labour for example?!? That would be a definite no for me.

If you can tell her yourself then I would, but otherwise tell your DH that he must tell her that she can't come until after the baby has arrived and when she does she will have to find a place to stay.

LionsAreScary · 19/10/2010 20:57

YANBU. If you feel like this now, say NO asap (to give her time to accept and adjust). Your feelings aren't going to magically change as your due date grows closer. The time after a baby is born is a precious, irreplacable time (every moment might not be wonderful but it is certainly unique) and you shouldn't have to share it if you don't want to.

Our DS1 was also the first gc on both sides and our families were oppressively interested. My MIL is a lovely woman and a lovely grandma, but we fell out when she invited her brother to visit DH & I the week after I gave birth. When I said no, she wailed 'but he's my brother', and I replied, 'he's the baby's great-uncle'.

Thank goodness we made it up, and have never fallen out again since. Although it was awkward at the time, I don't regret it in hindsight, because it SET THE BOUNDARY FROM DAY ONE. She's since seen many of her friends have more serious problems with their DILs and we've probably both come to realise we're each lucky to have the other for DIL / MIL.

wish you the best of luck and congratulations!

SpecialC · 19/10/2010 21:00

My MIL did this too...

Started my maternity leave at 38 weeks and she arrived right then. I had told my husband I did not want this but, as this was our first DC, he felt more comfortable with his mum being there in case an emergency situation happened (eg I fainted or something!!). Thought this was OTT...

And I hated it!! She was good company, useful, etc but I really hated her being there, especially once the baby was born. I just wanted to be alone as a nuclear family but she was always there!! I was feeling hormonal, was struggling with breastfeeding, and the last thing I wanted was for her to be around and see me crying and see me breastfeeding for hours (when, let's face it, I wasn't yet at the stage of trying to breastfeed 'gracefully whilst covering myself'...

She stayed for 6 weeks!!!!!!

So I would say NO!!!... but as you can see, my answer is tainted by my personal experience!!

Guacamole · 19/10/2010 21:04

I had this exact same situation. My Mum stayed the first week (I had an emergency c section and she was very much needed). But then my MIL and SIL announced they were going to stay to help look after me and the baby after my Mum had gone. I really didn't want this. My DH was on paternity leave and I wanted the opportunity for it to just be us and our new DS. I knew that MIL and SIL weren't really coming to look after us... More to play with the baby. I couldn't deal with it, I get stressed when they come, I have to cook things I don't normally cook, I have to look after guests (it's the way I am), but my Mum isn't a guest to me so she was okay.
I told DH I didn't want that and after much stress and a quiet word to him from my Dad, he relented and told them to visit for the weekend (stay in a hotel) but then leave us to it. The compromise was that they could come when DH went back to work.
I'm so glad my DH agreed because we had a tough 3 weeks getting used to being parents, but it went well and I think it was ideal bonding time for us all!

GeekOfTheWeek · 19/10/2010 21:07

yanbu

Schnullerbacke · 19/10/2010 21:14

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, don't do it. I'm still scarred from my experience and can only advice to stay well clear. No matter how you do it, just don't.

For DD1 they stayed a few weeks before she was born and the 2!!! months afterwards. It nearly killed me and I still have bonding issues with my daughter now, 4 years later.

Put my foot down for DD2, they only came 6 weeks after she was born so had some lovely alone time with her. Made all the difference and prepared me much better for yet another 3 months stay.

Seriously, if you are already on edge now, it is not going to work. You will not be able to relax and do things your way. You have been warned :)

NestaFiesta · 19/10/2010 21:14

YANBU. The fact she is being cagey about a date means she probably wants to drag it out and be on the scene when the baby arrives. Just say you've had to make a blanket policy to everyone that no overnight guests when heavily pg as sleeping patterns are all over the place etc.

Point out that your folks are in a hotel and its unfair to renege on that for MIL. Your OH will have to back you up.

You are under no obligation to do what other people want. Your pregnancy, your house, your wishes.

childrenofthecornsilk · 19/10/2010 21:18

No way! I really can't understand women who want to do this when they have had their own children and should hopefully remember what it's like in the first few weeks. It's so selfish.

Guacamole · 19/10/2010 21:22

Oh yes and don't let her come before... The last few days/weeks are important for you to prepare yourself. Also to watch telly, lie in bed, generally putting your feet up and relaxing. Not looking after a house guest!

Original poster

WriterofDreams · 19/10/2010 21:27

Girls, thank you so much you've made me feel so much better.

TBH if she called down for a few days now while I'm still working (which was what I thought she was going to do) I wouldn't mind too much cos we wouldn't be in each other's faces so much.

I am very suspicious about the fact that she hasn't given any particular date, plus I don't think it's fair as I feel I have every right to know when she's going to invade! All along she's been fairly laid back about visiting, saying "we're hear when you need us" (FIL is still around but doesn't get involved lol) and I thought we were going to get off lightly. Some hope!

It's really weighing on my mind so I think I'll have a chat to DH tonight and tell him that he'll have to talk to his mum when we see her this weekend and let her know the score. I know she'll probably be a bit miffed but I'd rather that than having to deal with her!

OP posts:

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