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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my MIL to stay?

59 replies

WriterofDreams · 19/10/2010 20:01

I'm due to have my first baby on Christmas Day. It's the first gc on both sides of the family so understandably there is a lot of excitement, especially from my mum and MIL. I posted before about a minor drama that erupted about where my mum and dad would stay when they visit after he's born (decided on a hotel, all seems ok on that front) but DH has now told me that MIL wants to come and stay once I start my maternity leave (I have no idea how long for) to "help out with the house" or as DH so aptly puts it "to mother you."

There are a few problems. Firstly I can't see my parents being too impressed about her staying in the house when they've been banished to a hotel. Secondly, I can see her coming for a week and then not leaving until a good while after the baby is actually born. Thirdly, even though she is a lovely lovely person and she has done heaps to help me in the past, having her in the house really puts me on edge and the thought of it happening even now (when I'm only 30 weeks) nearly makes me cry, never mind when I'm about to pop.

That said, I wonder if I'm being too hasty and whether I would appreciate having her around the last few weeks to keep me company and help to get the house ready. The thing that puts me off is that she tends to be quite overbearing. The problem is she's known me since I was 19 and I think she still sees me as a feckless student who needs to have the house cleaned and the bills sorted out. She can't really see me as a grown woman who can run her own house (however haphazardly) and who needs her own space. I can see her really getting on my nerves.

I asked DH to suss out soon what her plans are so I can at least know that much. I think on balance it might be best to just tell her I'd rather not have her visit at all. Any opinions?

OP posts:
WitchyFlisspaps · 19/10/2010 21:29

Ooh no, if all else fails show DH this thread.

He might think it would be lovely for you to be 'mothered' but actually he needs to realise that he needs to stick an s on the start of it and that will be a closer description of how you will feel.

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 19/10/2010 21:33

Love the name witchy! Luckily DH is very understanding so I'm hopeful that he won't mind having a word with his mum. I know he'll feel bad putting his mother off but he knows which side his bread is buttered and he certainly knows not to choose his mother over me!

OP posts:
WitchyFlisspaps · 19/10/2010 21:34

Good stuff

dinosaurinmybelly · 19/10/2010 21:46

You will look back on this and be thankful you were decisive early on. Don't even try to sugar coat it as then she will feel the door is semi-open. I agree with COCS I don't know how anyone who has had their own children can suggest such a thing. Your gut is telling you no. Go with it and tell your DH you feel a strong instinct that you will need your own space immediately before and after.

cupcakebakerer · 19/10/2010 22:20

You sound like you have a very similar MIL relationship as I have. Yes they can be extremely helpful - cleaning, cooking, generous...but my God does she always know best. Until I spend time with her I forget and then as soon as I do I end up having to give one word answers through gritted teeth. Like you she has known me since being a hapless teen but now finds it difficult to accept I am a woman with my own ideas on how to do things. At your stage in pregnancy I just couldn't do it! Let us know what you decide!

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 19/10/2010 22:32

Yup, that sounds like my MIL cupcake. Another annoying thing is that she just will.not.sit.down. Last time she stayed I heard banging about in the kitchen at 7am and I went down to find her mopping the floor! Of course then I felt obliged to get up as it made me feel guilty that she was cleaning while I was sleeping. 7AM!

Last time she visited (while I was away) she completely redid the garden and planted flower boxes, which of course are all dead now. She constantly hovers around the place asking if I'm ok, if I want a cup of tea etc. I know she means to be kind, but it is so so annoying. God, I know I would strangle her if she was here when I have no sleep and am totally uncomfortable. Definitely not going to happen.

OP posts:
fruitstick · 20/10/2010 09:31

I think you need to tell her yourself, not get DH to do it.

You are comfortable with your mother there as she's not a guest, but not your MIL. For your DH, it's the opposite. However, you're the pregnant one so you get to decide.

However, he won't be able to explain it properly as he doesn't understand what it's like to be heavily pregnant. He might also back down under pressure - and then you're stuffed.

No need to fall out about it, but start as you mean to go on Grin

JinnyS · 20/10/2010 09:34

Absolutely you must say no.

I can't imaging coping with the day 3 blues with an unwanted houseguest

Rentaghoste · 20/10/2010 10:39

Hi Writer,

For some reason MIL's can go a bit batty where grandchildren are involved. They want to establish themselves as the no. 1 granny - if this is the case you'll have to hold her at arms length right from the start.

My MIL ruined my birth experience, by turning up as a "surprise" (she got BIL and SIL to drive 250 miles) when I was in hospital after a CS, moving into the house and treating it as her own ( inviting yet more ILS to a dinner party at our house etc), aargh!!!

fedupofnamechanging · 20/10/2010 11:57

I think the way to put your MIL off without upsetting her is to say that you've told your own parents that you want to have time just with Dh and the baby and that they would be really offended and upset if you then had MIL to stay in the house. Must be fair to everyone...

gapbear · 20/10/2010 11:58

I'm sorry, I haven't read everybody's reply.

Could MIL stay nearby and pop round for a couple of hours a day?

stripeytiger · 20/10/2010 12:16

YANBU at all. Agree with everything that has been said. The last few weeks of pregnancy are so precious, please don't be persuaded, cajoled or manipulated into this. Say no and stick to it.

dinosaurinmybelly · 29/10/2010 05:08

Please let us know how it goes OP. Good luck with everything!

bekkio · 29/10/2010 06:33

My MIL made noises about doing this when I was expecting DS1 but thankfully it never came to anything. In my opinion, unless you are very close to your inlaws ( or outlaws as I call them in my case) it will be a disaster, so no you are not being unreasonable.

Bek x

saffy85 · 29/10/2010 06:44

My MIL offered to come "help" the minute I went into labour.... I said no, thank god. PIL came down for 2 weeks when DD was about a week old and stayed for 2 weeks. Longest fortnight of my life. They did precisely nothing to help, infact MIL interferred so much I ended up doing more than I otherwise would have because I was constantly sorting out her mess. [hhmm]

WoD if you have a dodgy feeling about this don't ignore it, put your foot down firmly but nicely and say "ofcourse you can come visit when Baby is born. Heres a few phone numbers for local hotels. my parents will be staying at such and such...."

BubbaAndBump · 29/10/2010 07:09

It's such a contentious issue MILs and their 'help' vs. 'invasion' at times of new babies. Just been speaking to my DH about it and questioning why the MIL to a female is so much more difficult than the son to MIL relationship - lots of ideas but here's probably not the time or place Blush

You've been given lots of good advice here and all backing up your gut instincts. Let us know how the conversation with DH/MIL goes...

Good luck! :)

Inertia · 29/10/2010 07:27

Say no. When you start mat leave you will want to spend your time preparing for the birth, getting the baby things ready, and just resting . Honestly, it's the last chance you will get to have time to yourself for years - if MIL is there when you don't want or need her you will end up repenting it.

Is your DH planning to ship MIL in so he doesn't feel he needs to help at home ?

Perhaps as a compromise you could go for a one-off shopping day with MIL so she gets to 'help' without coming to the house ?

Inertia · 29/10/2010 07:28

Resenting not repenting !

BagofHolly · 29/10/2010 08:18

Reading this thread gives me hives! I'd rather have ate my own feet than had anyone to stay, let alone my MIL! In my opinion, if you need help it'll be well after the baby is here, not beforehand.
My mum
Was planning to move in for a few weeks when I had my first baby and I had to be REALLY firm with her and say no for the first 3 weeks whilst my husband was off work, as I know she would have pushed him out of the way to "help". The one thing I was determined to get right was that he was going to be a confident hands-on Dad, and that wouldn't have happened if there had been someone else there to hand over to, however well meaning. So say NO NO NO, I reckon!

2rebecca · 29/10/2010 08:38

I hate being "mothered" so would say no.
If your husband is at work and no baby yet then it would be just the 2 of you.
I only had 3-5 weeks off before the births and I managed to do all the housework.
I was tired and it was nice to lounge around without having to make social chit chat or have someone frantically cleaning around me.

I'd say no and suggest she comes and stays in hotle after birth when there will be something for her to see, but not at the same time as your mum.
If my MIL particularly wanted to stay with me I'd be wondering why she didn't discuss it with me, but discussed it with my husband.

If my dad wanted to stay at home with my husband for some bizarre reason that I can't think of (this hanging around the house with an adult that isn't your child of a younger generation is a bit of a strange thing to want to do) then I'd expect him to discuss it with my husband.
Thankfullt men have more sense than to go in for this sort of thing and want to fuss over each other.

yomellamoHelly · 29/10/2010 08:47

I'd say no way too. Having had PIL staying for ds2 and then dd.
Will forever taint your relationship with them. Has mine. Has also affected dh's relationship with his dc as never had to muck in in early days (when was much simpler than now) and therefore struggles to cope with all 3 now still imo.
Also dd was 5 days late and it felt MIL was constantly asking if anything was happening and even bought a pineapple for me on my due date. Very much appreciated that was!

MsKalo · 29/10/2010 08:55

Why hasn't she spoken to you and asked YOU what you want? She needs to respect you more and ASK you what you want! Don't be pressured, or it will get a lot worse when baby arrives and they suggest taking over baby too!

YeahBut · 29/10/2010 09:06

Please, please bear in mind that your MIL is your husbands's mother and your child's grandmother. She's excited and wants to be involved and to help. I feel a bit sad that there's a general consensus that MIL's should be held at arms length and only allowed to see their grandchildren by appointment days or weeks after they are born.
There is no hallmark card, sepia tinted, nuclear family love-in when a baby arrives. There's hormones, puke, poo, piles of washing and no sleep. If someone actually wants to be around and sort any of that out for you, say yes!
BTW, if your baby is a boy, you may well be that MIL one day!

femalevictormeldrew · 29/10/2010 09:19

I would not want anyone to stay after my kids were born - not my mother, not my MIL not anyone. I think that this is a time when you really need to have some time with your husband and baby, getting used to him or her. Also I have noticed that when people offer to come and "help" after baby is born, it really means sitting holding and cooing over the baby, while you carry on with your chores.

Good luck with your babba x

StayFrosty · 29/10/2010 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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