to not want my MIL to stay?

[WriterofDreams]

I'm due to have my first baby on Christmas Day. It's the first gc on both sides of the family so understandably there is a lot of excitement, especially from my mum and MIL. I posted before about a minor drama that erupted about where my mum and dad would stay when they visit after he's born (decided on a hotel, all seems ok on that front) but DH has now told me that MIL wants to come and stay once I start my maternity leave (I have no idea how long for) to "help out with the house" or as DH so aptly puts it "to mother you."

There are a few problems. Firstly I can't see my parents being too impressed about her staying in the house when they've been banished to a hotel. Secondly, I can see her coming for a week and then not leaving until a good while after the baby is actually born. Thirdly, even though she is a lovely lovely person and she has done heaps to help me in the past, having her in the house really puts me on edge and the thought of it happening even now (when I'm only 30 weeks) nearly makes me cry, never mind when I'm about to pop.

That said, I wonder if I'm being too hasty and whether I would appreciate having her around the last few weeks to keep me company and help to get the house ready. The thing that puts me off is that she tends to be quite overbearing. The problem is she's known me since I was 19 and I think she still sees me as a feckless student who needs to have the house cleaned and the bills sorted out. She can't really see me as a grown woman who can run her own house (however haphazardly) and who needs her own space. I can see her really getting on my nerves.

I asked DH to suss out soon what her plans are so I can at least know that much. I think on balance it might be best to just tell her I'd rather not have her visit at all. Any opinions?

Excellent post Frosty.

My Mum stayed with us for a week after DH paternity leave finished, without her I doubt I would have continued BF but I cannot imagine the same would be true with MIL (who I get on VERY well with) it's different when it's your own mum I find.

MIL did pop round (she is more local than my parents) with FIL and they busied themselves in the garden mostly and even cleared the gutters!

Yeabut..... I understand that some mil are excited about their GC, but the dil is the baby's mother. If she does not want the mil to stay, then that's up to her. I get really pissed off with some mils sense of entitlement and as women they should know better.

Yeahbut, when Writer starts her maternity leave the baby won't have actually arrived yet. Maybe some help after the birth would be more appreciated?

If she's local, perhaps MIL could pop round once or twice a week to help with any jobs Writer really can't manage in late pregnancy- but having house guests is rarely relaxing or helpful. And MIL may well be Mr Writer's mother, but he'll be out of the house all week!

My mil came to stay when ds2 was born. Our relationship has deteriorated rapidly from that moment onwards.
She came a few days before I went into labour, so that she could help with ds1.

She took over the house while I was gone, and put herself IN CHARGE.
She was feeding ds1 (3 years old) chocolate for breakfast before dh took him to nursery. He wore the same clothes every day, getting more and more dirty. I could see, as he was wearing the same jumper every time they came to visit. Complications so I had to stay in with newborn a few nights.

The worst part was not how she tried to run the house but that dh was caught between 2 strong women, and my MIL suddenly had to assert herself as THE MOST IMPORTANT person in dhs life.

oh god no... with DD2 MIL stayed for 2 weeks from my due date onwards. It was for practical reasons, so she could look after DD1 when i went into labour, but I ended up going 12 days overdue and being induced. Those 2 weeks were a nightmare, even though i like her and she did help, the constant twittering of 'how are you feeling? Any twinges?' and the feeling of having to keep her entertained drove me mad!

Point out that the baby will be here for the rest of her life, i don't get the massive bunfight to be the first to see the baby that always happens with grandparents! Much better to give you a few weeks to yourselves.

say no and if necessary keep saying it til she gets the message. She sounds like she is very well-meaning but you will really need those final few weeks on your own feeling bovine lying on the couch eating Haribo and watching Judge Judy (or is that just me?)
And afterwards, if you need help you can assure her that you will call on her - you never know, you might really decide you want an extra pair of hands but you won't know until you're home and equally you might really want to lock the doors and not go anywhere or see anyone for a while.

Also please don't underestimate your hormones, you may be a weeping mess (again, is that just me?) and really not want to share those first awkward and frankly deeply unglamorous few weeks of trying to establish feeding, not sleeping, recovering from the labour, bleeding everywhere, your milk coming in etc etc. I found the recovery afterwards horrendous and if my PIL had seen me in that state I would have been mortified.

Yeahbut ofcourse MILs the world over will be excited about their new GC but this is a special time for the new parents more importantly. I think as the new mummy bears the brunt of nearly all the work (they don't call it labour for nothing after all!) as well as breastfeeding, (if she is) and often oodles of stitches and sore boobs along with hormones etc, it's far important her wishes are respected than either set of grandparents, who have presumably already had their "special bonding time" with their own baby/babies.

In short, some people, specifically MILs, need to learn to back off and take no for an answer!

When ds1 was born, my dhs aunt came around every day for the first week, to help with cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping. She was a marvel. She arrived around 10 am, and left around 4pm. She would watch the baby while I had a shower, or a sleep, and would cook nutritious wholesome meals. It was a godsend. She is a fantastic woman. She literally stuffed me with iron rich foods, as I had lost a lot of blood, and refused a transfusion. I was very weak. Did I say she was fantastic? She was there for ME, and waited on me and baby hand and foot.