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Original poster

To be fed up with 'expats'...

348 replies

EveWasFramed72 · 19/10/2010 10:33

I am an American, living here in England with my British husband and children (who have both nationalities, but have only lived in England). I've been here for 4 years, and when we were first here, I was miserable;I was at home full time with a new baby, then preganant running after a toddler, basically no close friends, etc. I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and got myself a life: went to uni, got a job, driving licence and created a life for myself outside of my husband. Now, I love our life here, I have loads of friends, a job I like, etc.

But...I am part of a group of American women living in the UK, some of whom have been here longer than me, married to British men. They won't drive, work, survive without several care packages of food from home(because they can't possibly eat what's on offer in England), basically, they sit around and moan about England, and how much better EVERYTHING is at home.

Now, I love my home country, and I do get homesick sometimes, but I just find myself fed up with these women who have given up on life because they are living abroad (and didn't they REALISE that marrying someone from another country means living in said country at some point???). When they aren't moaning, I do enjoy them...it IS nice to have home connections, but this attitude of deliberately NOT acclimating drives me nuts , and I feel like they make the rest of us who enjoy life in England look bad!!!

Rant over...I know, you're going to tell me to cut them off...and I have largely...just not completely.

I just want to know if this is 'typical' expat behaviour?????

OP posts:
Morloth · 19/10/2010 11:08

I sometimes can't understand DS1 he sounds like such a toff. Need to get him out of his private school and into a 'real' Aussie school. I may need to teach him to fight first. Wink

Strangely enough I found England harder to crack than Singapore. I still have only 2 English friends. I tried but just seemed to end up mates with other expats. Not so in Singapore. Very odd.

I hear you on the grabbing your bag and just going expat getting out the door here is such a PITA. At ghome every I need is in the car, we are all wearing shorts, t-shirts and thongs. No finding warm socks, laying clothes, getting coats on and all the rest of it. Just grab keys and go!

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 19/10/2010 11:08

Don't cut them off just give them a break for a bit, then dip in every now and again to get a good homeland fix!!

RockBat · 19/10/2010 11:09

Isn't it what babies develop when they suss out that night time is for sleeping, not daytime...?

Original poster
EveWasFramed72 · 19/10/2010 11:10

Morloth...I had exactly the same experience: we were in China before England, and it was so much easier to make friends...I had nothing but English friends in Shanghai, but here, I found breaking into social circles really difficult.

Yes...I still hate the weather, and prefer the warm...that is the only thing I can't adjust to.

OP posts:
Eralc · 19/10/2010 11:10

I agree with Morloth - being an expat can be really hard. I know there were a few months shortly after we moved here when all I wanted were UK things, and I found it very hard to integrate here - even doing simple things seemed so hard and complicated (I remember being close to tears trying to take money out of an ATM - the options were all different and I had no idea which account I needed to use) - at those times it was incredibly hard not to compare life here negatively with life back home (and we are in Australia, so don't have the language problems to contend with).

6 months down the line, and it's a different story - things are becoming much more familiar now, and I am feeling more settled (and am now at the point where I'm discovering lots of things we will miss when we go back to the UK - fish will never be the same again for example!) I still don't know as many people as I would like to, but am working on it, and I certainly make sure that I am not just meeting other expats. I think it's very sad for them that they aren't making the most of the experience that they have been given, although I can appreciate that it is hard if you don't have a huge amount of choice about living in a country (I know some people get stuck places they don't want to be because of family or financial problems etc). But it seems a shame to not try to integrate and find out things about your new country while you are there - it must make them feel horribly isolated and detached from life.

expatinscotland · 19/10/2010 11:11

I really noticed it at home, Morloth. And the first time my mother was here, she whispered, 'I hate how I can never leave without going through a mental checklist to make sure I haven't forgotten something that will mean some part of me freezes off if I don't have it.'

And swimming pools.

I miss pools.

My sister has one and it's a constant source fo entertainment.

Also, the outdoors as living space.

You can reliably plan to hang out outside - have a BBQ or pool party and 99% of the time, the weather will be fine for it in summer.

Original poster
EveWasFramed72 · 19/10/2010 11:11

Posie you're right! I just find myself getting all smug and defensive of England when the whining starts!

OP posts:
arses · 19/10/2010 11:13

I'm Irish but have no connections with anyone Irish here in the UK (apart from dh Grin).

People from home are a bit Shock when I say have no problem with ds being English but that's his nationality. I know people who won't let their children have British passports Hmm.

I do get packs of Taytos and Kimberley Mikado and Barry's tea sent over though. Our holiday Oreos!

Original poster
EveWasFramed72 · 19/10/2010 11:13

"it must make them feel horribly isolated and detached from life."

Eralc Thanks for that...that made me realise that I am being smug, and perhaps should feel a bit more sympathetic...

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 19/10/2010 11:14

Mine don't sound like toffs. :o

Morloth · 19/10/2010 11:14

It works in all directions. I reckon even people who have fled horrible places pine for home sometimes. So it is to be expected that the feeling is even stronger when you have left for positive reasons.

Homesickness is a bugger, it gets in right down at the bottom of your gut and there isn't really that much you can do about it.

Eralc · 19/10/2010 11:15

Ooo - sorry - I didn't mean to make you feel like you were being smug - just that I can't imagine trying to live in a country and not be part of it, if that makes sense.

Original poster
EveWasFramed72 · 19/10/2010 11:15

True, Morloth. I think what's weird is that I will feel homesick for here if we go anywhere else...

OP posts:
Morloth · 19/10/2010 11:16

I try to get him to slur his words slightly and talk through his nose but he will insist on sounding like he is chewing a spoon.

He pronouces Here as Heyuh and There as The-yuh.

And don't get me started on calling dessert pudding and lollies sweets.

I am gonna have to toughen him up or they are gonna eat him alive!

Original poster
EveWasFramed72 · 19/10/2010 11:16

No, Eralc I meant it in kind of a good way...what you're saying makes sense, I guess though that I should realise that not everyone can just 'get on with it' and be happy...

OP posts:
Morloth · 19/10/2010 11:18

I have been wondering if I could take Selfridges and Waitrose with me - at least the staff!

And black cab drivers and London busses both kick Sydney's arse.

BoffinMum · 19/10/2010 11:18

My mum was very good about this. She refused to hang out with German people and forced us all to integrate as much as we could. She learned to cook English food and we ate some of that, and she tried really hard to adopt English customs, such as knowing the rules of cricket and rugby, and having birthday parties for us that involved lots of school friends. She didn't always get it right, but got a long way, and I am now of the mindset that when you are in Rome, you should do as Rome does. I would get equally frustrated with whinging expats and make local friends instead.

Original poster
EveWasFramed72 · 19/10/2010 11:18

LOL Morloth...my poor DCs are screwed if we go back to Georgia...those poor ol' southerners won't understand a word out of their mouths! :)

OP posts:
WildistheWind · 19/10/2010 11:18

YANBU

We have a saying in Quebec: Qui prend mari, prend pays- (Who takes husband, takes country)

I don't see the point of moving to a new country and culture if you're not going to be/feel part of it !

Love the fact that DD speaks better english than I do & learned to love other brands of peanut butter too !Smile

expatinscotland · 19/10/2010 11:18

Oh, aye. I agree, Morloth. I don't think it does any good to be smug about it. Can't say I ever was but then, I deplore that quality.

A lot of people are in a place not entirely by choice, but because of their spouse's job which, in this economy, they can't give up.

Or Forces people.

I have S. African friends who are here by choice, but of course, they miss things about their homeland and we reflect on those together because often the things missed have to do with having warmer weather.

I have a British passport myself. So do my children, although they see themselves as Scots.

Meh.

It's another document that goes along with having a dual-nationality family. We have 9 passports among us.

Eralc · 19/10/2010 11:18

Hehe - it's hard to read tone over the internet - was worried that I'd offended you!

And Morloth - we have the opposite problem here with my son - sweets are lollies now, and bin lorries are garbage trucks, and I am dreading when we come back to the UK and he tells his teachers that his Mum and Dad wear thongs to the beach!

Psychommead · 19/10/2010 11:20

I always miss Guy Fawkes Night. Walking home with a bag of chips after seeing the fireworks. I'd trade a lot for that.

It's a double-edged sword, really. Very jealous of you having lived in the Alsace though. So pretty!

And green oreos? Well I never.

Original poster
EveWasFramed72 · 19/10/2010 11:20

Boffinmum I'm very lucky that I now have a number of really good English friends...it is much nicer, and definitely makes me feel much more at home here. My American friends keep me grounded in the US, but sometimes I feel like I have to detach from the things I love about this home, and I don't like that...I'm changing who I am to fit with their distaste of this country.

OP posts:
BobMarley · 19/10/2010 11:20

Just because you have the same nationality as the other expats, doesn't mean you have anything else in common.

I meet up with some people from my home country every now and again, and although I enjoy it mainly from a language point of view, none of these people would have been my friends were I still to live in my home country.

expatinscotland · 19/10/2010 11:21

It does feel a little weird when you go back, for the first few days, not just the weather and time adjustments.

And it feels really weird if you're returning from someplace where the language is different.