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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have these feelings of hate towards DH?

82 replies

lennon80 · 15/10/2010 18:43

I am harbouring intense feelings of hatred towards my DH this evening. Let me explain I am currently 34 weeks pregnant and have had a dreadful pregnancy was sick as a dog from week 4-17 but carried on working full time and would come home and cry as I had never felt that awful before. I started with SPD pain at 14 weeks and by this point now I am crippled with pain. He sees how I stuggle to get out of bed going to piss eight times a night and how I can barely walk etc. I have had preterm labour scares, have intense braxton hicks since 30 weeks which are agonising due to the SPD. Any way yesterday they sent me to have a diabetes gloucose test as my urine kept coming back with gloucose in. I told DH I didnt think I had it but of course would still be going for the test.

Yesterday morning he turns around and says I am 'the boy who cried wolf' and that my SPD 'isnt that bad all women get it' and 'you can still walk'. I cried all day when I got home from the hospital as I feel like he has no idea of the pain I am in and I am getting no thanks for it whatsoever.

I feel so upset but also I am feeling hate towards him too that I just want to smack him around the face or go to my mothers for the rest of the pregnancy (I would if I could drive there myself..but I cant even do that anymore). Is this me being unreasonable or my hormones or was DH a total twat?

OP posts:

cory · 15/10/2010 18:47

How I like these questions that can be answered simply and with no hesitation:

Your dh is a twat.

There, job done.

Most women do not get SPD; noone in my antenatal group did and noone in toddler group when we were all expecting our second babies, nor has any woman in my family. And even if every single woman did, that would hardly make you less crippled, would it? He needs to grow up very quickly if he is to support you through labour and then be responsible for a small baby.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/10/2010 18:49

He is a total twat, I'm so sorry :(

proudnscary · 15/10/2010 18:50

IME men just don't get, and therefore don't always believe, pregnancy problems and pains.

I'm sorry you are in horrible pain, I had awful pelvic pain but got no sympathy at all and my dh is not a twat. He just had no reference point and thought I was moaning!

I think you are being a wee bit U, soz. What do you need 'thanks' for? And moving in with your mother is extreme.

MrsYamada · 15/10/2010 18:51

Stamp on his nuts and ask him how that feels. YANBU.

Mercedes519 · 15/10/2010 18:53

Entirely understandable feeling. If you can manage kick him in the privates so he can experience the same pain that 'every woman gets'.

But seriously he needs to shift his attitude fast as you will need all the support you can get. YANBU.

PhishFoodAddiction · 15/10/2010 18:54

Okay, I think that your DH is being very insensitive, and I would have wanted to beat him about the head if he'd said that to me. But men just don't 'get' pregnancy. They don't know how bad spd pain can be, or how draining it is to be sick constantly, or how you can be so worried about things going wrong/early labour etc etc.

Do you think maybe you're telling him about every little niggle and it's getting on his nerves? Pregnancy can be absorbing for the woman but maybe a tad boring for everyone else. Maybe stick to telling him the big stuff, but don't mention every little twinge and niggle.

Have a chat with him, tell him you don't feel he's supporting you and tell him what you need from him.

I do feel for you as I had pelvic pain with DD2 and it was awful.

Original poster

lennon80 · 15/10/2010 18:56

Proudand scary: Thanks for the fact he gets a baby and all he had to do was shoot his load. I get all the pain and discomfort and no real sympathy at all. I feel really hard done to in all fairness because even when he is doing the housework (which I cant do now) he clearly is a resentful as he is grumpy about it. I personally believe it is a huge thing to bear a child for a man and they should be grateful?

OP posts:

travellingwilbury · 15/10/2010 18:59

I think he is being a dick , I am sorry I just don't agree with all the he doesn't get it he is a man rubbish .
You are in pain and feeling like shit and he is supposedly your loving husband so should "get it"

I would be furious but mostly I would feel really sad and let down .

YANBU

proudnscary · 15/10/2010 18:59

Wow at 'he gets a baby and all he had to do was shoot his load'. Ummm, you both made a baby together in a loving relationship, do you mean?

I think it's you who has to shift your attitude.

Fucking hell

cory · 15/10/2010 19:00

"men don't get pregnancy"

Speak for your own men, ladies. Some men do manage a little more maturity.

proudnscary · 15/10/2010 19:04

If OP says the kind of thing she said in above post no wonder he's fed up with her.

I have literally never heard anyone else on here say something so offensive about having a baby with their 'd'h.

fairycake123 · 15/10/2010 19:04

//IME men just don't get, and therefore don't always believe, pregnancy problems and pains. //

I have never had "pregnancy problems and pain." Bizarrely, however, I nevertheless "get" the concept that those things do exist, and believe that they happen to other women, EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE NEVER HAPPENED TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your husband is a wanker, and proudwhatever hernameis is a little bit of a logic void tonight

BeenBeta · 15/10/2010 19:05

lennon80 - setting aside what your DH is fo rthe moment.

Have you been to a doctor for the SPD? My DW had it and ended up on crutches and suffered long after DS2 was born. Some nineyear slater she still cannot move her legs into certain positions properly. She should have been in a wheelchair from week 20.

If you havent already, do make sure you get your GP or someone at your antenatal class to get you help for your SPD.

proudnscary · 15/10/2010 19:06

Right so you think saying all her dh did was 'shoot his load' and he 'gets a baby' is a reasonable thing to say?

Original poster

lennon80 · 15/10/2010 19:06

Proudn scary I noticed you mooching around for an argument on the other threads..I wont oblige you either I am afraid.

proudnscary Fri 15-Oct-10 18:44:18
Grumble @ Billy's pacifist response to aggression

OP posts:

agedknees · 15/10/2010 19:08

The OP is tired, in pain and is upset. Cut her a bit of slack.

OP YANBU. Your dh sounds like a twat!!!

fedupofnamechanging · 15/10/2010 19:08

Bide your time.

One day he will be really ill and in pain and you can tell him to stop crying wolf as he's not the only man to ever get ill/hit by a bus.

I too don't buy this 'men don't get it' arguement. You don't have to personally experience something to feel sympathy and be supportive.

proudnscary · 15/10/2010 19:08

Umm Lennon that was a joke...I post on many threads and if you look at other posts tonight they are sympathetic.

You have said something really, really off and now you are trying to swerve it.

And it's bad form to post from one thread to another.

cory · 15/10/2010 19:09

If dh was in awful pain and told me about it, surely telling him he was crying wolf and belittling him would make me less than the ideal wife? So why should men get away with the excuse that they don't "get" their wives' problems. Are they babies or something?

This man is about to be a father, he has a wife with SPD- is it too much to ask of him to do a little research about it before he decides this cannot cause serious pain?

Having been married for 17 years to a mature and sensible man, I don't get this whole concept of treating men like little boys. If anything is a reasonable expectation of me as a wife, then it is a reasonable expectation of him as a husband.

Original poster

lennon80 · 15/10/2010 19:10

beenbeta I complained to my midwife at 14 weeks that I was starting to have trouble getting out of the car and bed and putting shoes on etc. She suggested SPD and said see how it goes. Next appointment it was a different MW but she said she would make a referral to Physio which she then didnt do. I eventually got one as my consultant (who I was jointly under) booked me in asap when he saw the pain I was in. It was a group run with lots of women and they just gave ideas etc on how to manage the pain. I spoke to the physio afterwards and she said that I needed a one to one and really should be on crutches so I will have to go back asap.

Thanks for the responses ladies..I was starting to think it was me being hormonal..but he was being a t**t.

Tha

OP posts:

trixie123 · 15/10/2010 19:10

Phishfoodaddiction I really think that your post is very sad actually. I agree that all the little niggles might be dull for the vast majority of others but the father a) shouldn't be one of them and b) even if he is, he should have the decency and manners to pretend. What the hell is he going to be like at the birth?

OP, YANBU at all at all at all. Show him this thread if you feel he would be receptive to it or maybe better, have you got any male friends who are dads who have a more empathetic attitude that he could talk to? He may not "get it" but that is no excuse for not trying. If he thinks he knows enough to say that "most women get it" he would know enough to know that women need help and support and a bit of spoiling. He can't prevent your pain or other symptoms but he could make you tea, do the ironing and generally be something other than a selfish self absorbed twat.

I really hope you feel able to talk to him about this because it does not bode well for either the birth or the trials of looking after a newborn - is he aware you may not be 100% for some considerable time after the birth?

Best of luck - cpme back and tell us how you get on. ((hugs))

spikeycow · 15/10/2010 19:11

He is a twat. Even if he doesn't "get" it, he can still be supportive and caring.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/10/2010 19:15

Some men choose not to 'get it' IMO. My DH has been wonderful through both my pregnancies, has not tried to belittle any of the discomfort that I've gone through. It lets those men who decide to pick on their partners off the hook to say 'oh he's only a man, he doesn't understand'.

lennon - why is the housework your job anyway, seeing as you work too? Surely it is a shared task??

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/10/2010 19:16

trixie yes I agree - it is his baby too so surely the father should be just as interested in what the mother of his child is experiencing as she is?

Original poster

lennon80 · 15/10/2010 19:17

Thanks Trixie123 I am very worried about how he thinks I will be after having the baby. He is doing cooking etc now but I think he is of the opinion that once the baby is born I will become an instant housewife (as I am taking maternity leave for a year). I have gently tried to mention that for the time the baby is newborn all I will be doing is feeing him and then trying to rest. Luckily I have my mother here for the first week and perhaps I will ask her to come back (she lives in another city) if it gets too tough. I am shocked at my DH to be honest as I thought he had the good sense not to say something deliberately hurtful to his pregnant wife. I dont know how on earth he expected me to take it. I think I will show him this thread.

OP posts:

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