To have these feelings of hate towards DH?

[lennon80]

I am harbouring intense feelings of hatred towards my DH this evening. Let me explain I am currently 34 weeks pregnant and have had a dreadful pregnancy was sick as a dog from week 4-17 but carried on working full time and would come home and cry as I had never felt that awful before. I started with SPD pain at 14 weeks and by this point now I am crippled with pain. He sees how I stuggle to get out of bed going to piss eight times a night and how I can barely walk etc. I have had preterm labour scares, have intense braxton hicks since 30 weeks which are agonising due to the SPD. Any way yesterday they sent me to have a diabetes gloucose test as my urine kept coming back with gloucose in. I told DH I didnt think I had it but of course would still be going for the test.

Yesterday morning he turns around and says I am 'the boy who cried wolf' and that my SPD 'isnt that bad all women get it' and 'you can still walk'. I cried all day when I got home from the hospital as I feel like he has no idea of the pain I am in and I am getting no thanks for it whatsoever.

I feel so upset but also I am feeling hate towards him too that I just want to smack him around the face or go to my mothers for the rest of the pregnancy (I would if I could drive there myself..but I cant even do that anymore). Is this me being unreasonable or my hormones or was DH a total twat?

Yes I think once I dont have to keep leaving the house things will be easier. I also plan to have my mum here with me from week 38 as she wants to be at the birth (and given the latest comments by DH I am more sure now that this is what I want as I can see empathy is not one of his strong points where health issues are concerned). I will go home next week as I do feel I need a break and some time at home with a loved one who can actually appreciate how difficult and trying it has been for me. I think if I dont I could potentially fall into depression as I am going to be pretty isolated here and in pain.

Thanks for the posts they have been most helpful.

On a +ve note Lennon - my dp wasn't all that disimilar although I never had the pg complications you are going through. He was better 2nd time round because he'd learnt the "ropes" by then. Almost 20 years on and we've had our ups and downs but by and large the pluses have outweighed the minuses and we know each others weak points and strong points. I think some of the difficulties in the early days is that couples go through a lot of change when they know each other but they don't know every wrinkle and exactly how the other will react. Think you need a break and some TLC - pgs tiring at the best of times and you've had it tough. Yikes I sound a 103 but good luck and I really hope this all turns round in the next couple of weeks. Bet your mum's great and together you should either be able to knock dp into shape or find some strategies to deal with him as best you can. Let us know how you get on.

I'm sorry that you are in pain and your DH is not being very understanding.

Ignore Proudandscary she is so looking for an fight.

She was mean to a poster on another thread.

Hope you feel better soon.

Lennon I haven't read through whole thread but just wanted to say I am 31 weeks and suffering from SPD, was getting to the stage where you seem to be at now, in constant pain etc BUT I saw an amazing physio who was able to manipulate my pelvis and ease a lot of the symptoms. I can now sit and sleeping is easier, and although I can't walk very far I can go round the supermarket without it being agony.

I contacted the Pelvic Partnership who say that the majority of SPD/PGP is due to a mechanical problem, not just pregnancy hormones and it CAN be treated in pregnancy. Please, please go to their website and contact them and they will be able to refer you to someone in your area. If you are anywhere near Gloucestershire, the physio I saw is absolutely amazing and has people from all over the country going to see her.

www.pelvicpartnership.org.uk

Also, your DH is being an idiot and needs to wake up and support you. Really hope you feel better soon.

onceamai Thanks very much. I showed him the thread and I think he felt very guilty and realised that this really isnt fun for me and SPD is not something trivial and I am not just having 'normal' pregnancy aches and pains. I have lived with DH for nine years now and know him fairly well which is why his recent comments shocked and upset me as ordinarily he wouldnt be so crass and insensitive. My mother is wonderful and incredibly gentle and supportive and so I should think he will follow her lead during the birth.

peachesandstrawberry Thanks for your kind words. I have noticed that about mums net, sadly there are people on here who appear to just want to be confrontational....the notion of female solidarity is not something they seem to care about. I mean to suggest or even allude to the suggestion that a man has anything like the same role in making a baby is ludicrous to say the least. All my husband did (and he says this himself) was brought the raw materials on site!

wholelottalove Thanks for the link, I have contacted them and asked for a list of practitioners in my area. I am at the point now where any relief I can get I will be happy to pay for just to make me more comfortable and hopefully recovery time of SPD after the birth will be less if I start some effective treatment now.

Thanks everyone ever so much for your support and advice. I really appreciate it.

OP, my husband himself voiced (jokingly) how lucky he felt to have had such an easy and enjoyable role in getting our lovely DD! That was after seeing me lumbering around at the end of a very easy pregnancy, nothing as difficult as yours.

It sounds perhaps like one of those comments that he might regret were it pointed out to him what an arse he'd been?

Glad it seems to be a bit better but when the baby arrives I do think you should share some of the chores. That way he's involved and doesn't feel he's getting left with all the housework.

Ok I have to respond about me:

1.All my comments on the other thread were plainly done in jest which is why I got s. There are people on here who cannot differentiate between banter without malice and 'meanness'.

1. We could all play the game of cutting and pasting each others comments from thread to thread but that is bad form.

1. I am sympathetic and caring in posts where I feel it's warranted. Always.

1. In AIBU everyone understands you get very blunt, honest, direct responses so don't have a fit when you don't get the response you want.

1. You called your husband a useless sperm donor. I pointed out that if this is your attitude you might want to look at yourself and wonder if his response is anything to do with that. Of course you now say he jokes about that himself. I'm sure he is guffawing heartily at you saying he simply 'shot his load in you'.

proudandscary: I am terribly confused here...can you please explain to me the role your husband had physically (because that is what we are talking about here) in making your baby (ies) as I am really at a loss in trying to fathom out what role you think he had?

Get to an osteopath asap. Second pregnancy I was on crutches with wheelchair outside, with DD and the help of an osteopath I walked without pain right the way through. It'll cost a bit but it was the best money I ever spent.

I agree that men don't 'get' pregnancy, but to be fair, how could they?

Having said that, a supportive DP/DH should at least spare a little sympathy and offer some comfort.

My DH has terrible back pain. I'm very lucky in that I never have, so I don't really 'get' his back pain. However I do offer sympathy, listen to him talk about it, try to empathise etc...because although I haven't experienced it, I know he's in pain.

god,ignore proudnscary, she has clearly never suffered from SPD

and as others have said, regardless of your dh's 'understanding'of pregnancy and all that can go along with it,he should be being kind and sympathetic and supportive

I had SPD in my last 2 pregnancies, with the last time being utterly unbearable - my dh used to come home from work to find me lying on the bedroom floor, weeping and helpless, while my other 2 dc's had to amuse themselves...he would lift me to the bed, bring me tea and rub my back...even though I knew he didn't get the pain I was in,or why I was in it, he still helped me

during my 2nd pregnancy,I was referred to an accupuncturist whch was amazing - really, really recommend this - see if your midwife will refer you

also, as soon as dc3 was born - man,the relief of beng pain free is something I still relish today. Tenderness from episiotomies and stiches - pah! No contest! No kidding. I would NEVER get pregnant again, purely because I couldn't go through that pain again.

I'd suggest you sit your dh down, and calmly explain to him how desolate you're feeling, how alone and upset you are...and do go to your mum's if you're able to get there - maybe that'd give himthe kick up the arse that is clearly needed.

and remember - this will pass. You'll be ok.

Thanks fustyarse SPD really is not fun. Glad yours did pass after having your children. My biggest fear is that I will never feel myself again. Thanks for your advice and support. I will ask about acupuncture. I am willing to try anything now to ease the pain.

you will feel amazing after you've given birth, truly

my best moment was being in labour with dc3 and having an epidural - (I couldn't have gven birth naturally because of the SPD pain) - the epi obv numbed the pain and it was WONDERFUL. I felt light and almost dizzy with relief. And I never felt it again.

You need ways to manage the conditon while you're pregnant so that it doesn't linger post partum.

I tried everything - pregnancy body pillows that support your hips and back in bed, try one like this - it's massive and generally you sleep a position that is supportive and comfortable, so you barely need to move though the night so no painful turning over. I used to lie there knowng I had to roll over and dreading it. This pillow helped. Super tight stretchy support belts, whch your midwife should be able to provide can help a bit but gets uncomfortable. Pregnancy massage, concentrating on your lower back - bit of a treat...

Also you will be allowed to take codeine (get it prescribed) - I took that when the pain was particularly bad, it can make you a bit sleepy though

Do talk to your midwife about crutches - how supportive has she been? Mine was amazing when I practically crawled into her offiice and sat crying for the entire visit, it was she who referred me to the accupuncturist. I was sceptical but my God it worked. Don't know how, and I wasn't totally pain free, but it made it much more manageable. I did have to go every 2/3 weeks but it was worth it.

I've got so much sympathy for you; it's a truly awful condition to be afflcted with. Rest as much as you possibly can - get one of those pillows and take to your bed. You have nearly made it - a few more weeks to go and it'll be a distant (if awful) memory, promise!

Lennon, feel free to be deliberately obtuse about this. And feel free to carry on considering your dh to be a sperm donating loser, that will really do your relationship wonders when you have your baby.

Call me old fashioned, I consider my dh and I made a baby together.

Anyway, you got what you wanted, everyone shouting 'twat'. Goodo. Well done.

Fusty - I had pelvic problems, carpal tunnel syndrome so my wrists were in splints for 3 months, lower back pain, sciatica and thrush throughout my pregnancy.
I have been on Mumsnet for 18 months and never talked about any of that actually.

Proud I think you're being given a hard time unfairly. I agree with you re making a babu together and not just a sperm donor but maybe we're in the minority.

right, as I said - you have never suffered with SPD

can't comment on CTS, but have had sciatica, lower back pain and thrush and I'm sorry, but they don't compare with the persistent pain of SPD

Being in constant pain can make anyone bad tempered, and if lennon's dh isn't doing anything to support her, or even be sympathetic, well that's got to be terribly upsetting and invoke her feelings of dislike towards him

yes, they made the baby together but she now feels she's in it alone, and as I and others have remarked, even if he doesn't 'get' pregnancy and SPD he could still be kind and loving to her.

SPD is nasty, I had it, mildly, but it was nasty all the same.

Poor you lennon80, I feel for you, and perhaps the worst thing is that with SPD, you can't even kick him in the bits. He is being a total twat. Has no-one told him that if you piss off a PG woman, the hormones magnify it a million fold and you will take forever to get over this? I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.. er, nope. Sorry I don't

Gald you showed him the thread, glad you have some links to follow up. I hope the rest of your PG is healthy and happier!

hug, stroke and a pat, as my DS would say

I'm a man, I don't necessarily "get" pregnancy.

I do however notice that when my DW winces in pain, or struggles to do something like walk or get out of bed that she must be suffering a lot. I, therefore, offer to try and help her in some way.

I realise that I can't understand her pain or discomfort completely, but that's not the point.

This man sounds like he doesn't want to be bothered with taking some effort tohelp OP, so will pretend you are imagining it. Lazy or selfish people do stuff like that.

Re the sperm donor thing, I think all lennon was saying was that she is the one who does all the physical stuff, as does every woman. From morning sickness to stretchmarks to not being able to eat sliced ham ormhave a glass of wine, to sore boobs to labour and breastfeeding. Plus loads more.

All the man physically does is have sex, which lets face it is quite a good deal.

She was just frustrated at having all the physical burden and not being given support while her bloke can carry on as normal. I don't think it was meant as offensive, just frustration, which I can fully understand.

spot on ,disco

Good to read the insightful and sympathetic posts of the men on here. Makes me realise my dh is not some kind of bizarre exception.

Yes that is exactly what I was saying. Given how difficult my pregnancy has been and that he has not had to endure any physical symptoms..surely the least I can expect is sympathy and lots of it. If he was in pain on a daily basis and I saw how he struggled personally I would feel really guilty that I too was reaping the rewards at such little physical cost which was only borne by him alone. I know its not men's fault that their part in the process is minimal but when you look at it women really do get the raw deal when it comes to the physical side of things. He gets an orgasm and I get months of pain and discomfort from week 4 onwards.
I am not saying that we didnt make the baby together of course we did but that was the enjoyable part. I didnt call him a sperm donor or a loser, these were your words proudandscray. He is not a sperm donor as he will be the baby's father and so his role will naturally become hugely significant again on all levels.

I really dont think in a capitalist society when the role of motherhood has been belittled in comparison with paid employment women like you are helpful. Men do not need their role in baby making made out to be more than it is...we didnt win the maternity rights we did pretending men carried babies for nine months. I have never met a man (other than one who is a misogynistic arse) who would try to say their role is the same as a woman's.

I can't see from this thread - is this your first child? Because if so, all this will pale into insignificance when you experience labour, and your DH will, if he's present, just want to take all the pain away from you. That's when they can really start to understand, I think its very difficult for them before that. But rather than rail against it, try to accept.

fustyarse Thanks for the advice. Its good to hear that your symptoms went away as soon as you gave birth as this is my biggest fear. I have heard women say that sometimes the symptoms reccur around their periods. I dont think I could cope with that as I have endometreosis which gives me dreadful periods (I am kind of hoping that pregnancy will ease those symptoms as I was due to go in for another laporsocopy in March just before I fell pregnant). The midwife has been supportive but I dont have a great deal of faith in her to be honest(unlike some I have come across). She is nice enough but I wouldnt trust her to deliver a letter let alone my baby. Really she should have referred me much sooner as I was explaining my pain at around week 14/16 (with no idea what SPD was) and how I couldnt get out of the car easily etc.