Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

have been told to pull self together by DH

54 replies

duckduck · 15/10/2010 12:44

I fell PG three months into new relationship, got married when 5 months PG, was burgled, new(ish) DH has 2DDs from previous marriage - he stayed living with them, moved in with me after baby born, went to Afghanistan (voluntary mobilisation) when DS was 8 weeks old for 5 months.

My mum had brain surgery the day DS was born and I was up and out 21 hours after ELCS to see her.

I kept up DSDs access visits when he was away so they could see baby and my DD and DS from previous.

DH came back, I got PG again but MC, then PG and when 17 wks gone my mum got v ill and had 5 episodes of brain surgery whilst I was PG. She was terribly ill, lost ability to walk/talk/feed herself and me and aunty went in to see her every day to help with care & be with her. On xmas day she was alone in ward and Dad was in different hospital with meningitis so I hardly saw the 5 kids at home.

She then had an op which went wrong and resulted in me having to make decision to remove life support for her three days before DD4 was delivered. Had blood tests which involved driving straight from mortuary where I said goodbye to mum and left her a mothers day card, to labour ward for bloods which showed high titre levels for anti-c.

Baby was born with HDN and had complete blood transfusion and platelets at 5 hours. We had "the talk" from the Paeds that night but she pulled through and was on the same machines and antibiotics as my mum had been on the week earlier - same alarm bells/monitors etc.

DD4 was in hosp for 12 days in NICU and was allowed out on the day of my mum's funeral but they gave DD4 last antibiotic at 12 and Mum's funeral was at 1pm, 2 hours away and I missed it.

I got out of hosp and got cab home to empty house with DD4 and when DH and my other 3DKs came home he also went to get DSDs, his mum, his sisters and they all came round and had a "fun" time. I stayed up in my room with head spinning. Now SIL and MIL said my welcome was so frosty and I was so unfriendly that they won't come to see me so I have had to apologise for my "behaviour".....

AIBU to be resentful about this.... AIBU to not be allowed out with my mates to drown sorrows now DD4 is on bottle.... AIBU in that am I feeling too low to stand up for myself and go out anyway and tell MIL to F off? I really miss my mum. I feel really awful at having to make the decision to remove life support.

AIBU to feel really bloody sorry for self and p'd off with DH who is getting annoyed with the "prolonged grieving"... DD4 is now 7 months and is finally getting up to strength.

Ranting, miserable, sorry for self, pitiful old bag that I am just had to get that down...

Oh and my dad isn't particularly welcome round when DH is at home because he is over indulgent with my kids.... and he's pretty lonely now...

SORRY...... realised what a mega long rant that was Blush

OP posts:
EleanorHauntedHandbasket · 15/10/2010 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rosa · 15/10/2010 12:49

Blimey you poor thing . Everything you have had to cope with they should be the ones helping you and you are entitled to feel how you do. I think you are doing amazingly well. As for your father it is obvious that he wants to load his love on somebody maybe ask him to limit the treats to once a week or in holidays or something . Hope its gets better for you

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/10/2010 12:52

I think you should tell your husband to fuck off - and that if he is serious about your relationship then he needs to put you first and bloody well look after you. If you want your Dad there then you have your Dad there - he has been in your life a hell of a lot longer than your 'D'H.

I am so sorry about your Mum :(

gapbear · 15/10/2010 12:56

I'm sorry, but your husbands family sound like a bunch of selfish twats. How dare they be so unfeeling? Your husband should be standing up for you, supporting you, being your rock.

Many, many sympathies for the loss of your mum.

LoopyLoupGarou · 15/10/2010 12:56

:(

So sorry to hear it all, it is absolutely fine for you to be angry, sad, and to want some time to yourself.

I have no practical suggestions really, other than to let them know how you feel and tell them (DH, MIL, SIL etc) that you need their support.

:)

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 15/10/2010 13:01

My God you've been through some really tough times....

And in such a short space of time it is totally NBU to need some time to catch your breath and allow your head to stop spinning, and grieve for all that you have lost.

You have an enormous amount of stuff to deal with I don't know if you have spoken to your GP or considered conselling but it may be helpful... In the short term a short note to your MIL out lining that you had no intention, of making her feel unwantedbut as she was aware you are dealing with the loss of your mother! A happy smile was not appropriate.

It think it's also necessary to stand your ground in relation to your father, If you want him there, it's your home too, have him over. Tell you DH he is also a part of your life.

7 months is NOT prolonged grieving everyone grieves in their own way and for different lengths of time IMO 7 months is really really short timescale for the experiences you have had. Yor DH needs to have a word with himself!

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 15/10/2010 13:04

You're dam not BU!

First thing that sticks out is yu are not allowed to go out with your mates? WTF?

Secondly, phone or write to your MIL/SIL tell them that you are sorry that you were not all pally wally but your mother had just died, you missed her funeral and had a sick baby. Ask them if they would be feeling chirpy if they were in your situation.

Your ally is your dad. If your OH doesn't like him, tell him to fuck off and take yourself and the kids round to his house.

Original poster
duckduck · 15/10/2010 13:07

thank you Lovelinesses... have been feeling v sad today. Have told DH to fuck off many times as he dosen't like the house we live in (where I have lived since being 6 yr old) and misses his DDs so much. He has house 30 mins away which is let but I want him to go back there so he sees his DDs more and I don't have to look after them so much. He won't fuck off - he just says "yeah yeah, heard it before"...

Ive made some errors in my time but it was much easier being alone with 2 DKs running own little business from home with help from mum and dad than it is now. I didn't pay enough attention to my mum when i was arsing about with DH (before he was DH and I got PG) and I regret loads, esp now he's not being so nice... (don't regret DS3 and DD4 though - they all keep me going).

thank you for sympathy, sometimes all it takes is a kind word or two and DH can only seem to dish them out to DDs! (oh dear - am getting bitter and twisted)

never realised how much I loved my mum until she wasn't around, and DS1 misses her so much I don't know how to comfort him and DH is harsh stepdad.

Ever wish you hadn't done something?

OP posts:
ArmyBarmyMummy · 15/10/2010 13:08

I think you've clearly been through an awful lot and if you can't 'rant' here to anonymous ish friends then where can you?

My dd is 4mths and I miss my mum too - sad thing is she's still alive! Mum and MIL live a way away and both well meaning but interfearing. Sorry, thats not helping.

I agree your other half needs to support you more but I don't know either of you. If you love him and you don't see that things will improve you need to find yourself a real friend for support.

It's not the same I know but there are lots of lonely ladies out there who would love to be adopted as a granny - try whatever age concern are called now they could put you in touch with someone.

Consider this a hug by email!

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 15/10/2010 13:09

I've just had another read through and now I'm really really fucked off on your behalf Angry

So with a 12 day old baby following ELCS and NICU, your mother's death in a very difficult circumstance, who's funeral you were unable to attend....

They expect a bright and breezy hostess, whilst on a home invasion!

Fucking hell the cheek of some people scatch the note idea I'm now seething....

They just need a reality check, I'll think about that

ManiDeadi · 15/10/2010 13:09

YANBU - TBH if I was in your situation I think I'd be moving in with my dad!

pigletmania · 15/10/2010 13:10

My goodness you poor thing, you need to find yourself a new dh, what a knob. After all that you have been through as well. Its your house as well you have a right to have your father there, how dare he say that you cannot have him there. You need to tell him straight, if you are not able to talk to him, I would seriously question your relatioship and whether he is right for you. My dad died when I was 11, and I still grieve 20 years later.

miniwedge · 15/10/2010 13:10

Your husband is being a nobber. Sorry I have nothing useful to add but I hope you find some strength to give this twat a boot up the arse.

pigletmania · 15/10/2010 13:11

Good idea mani I would move in with dad if I were you.

ComeScareWithMe · 15/10/2010 13:12

You need to tell them all to fuck off TBH, I can't believe what I have just read what a bunch of fucking wankers! I am so angry on your behalf op.

So sorry you have had a terrible time :(.

Tortington · 15/10/2010 13:12

i think this is a clear communication issue

i think you both need to go to counselling

Original poster
duckduck · 15/10/2010 13:13

and I see now I am being weak over not having dad round, but DH causes such a tense atmosphere that dad now feels uncomfortable coming over. DH sulks if I go to dads house with my kids and don't take DSDs. Dad lives in tiny tiny house (1 room up and 1 down) now so if we all went there we'd have to stand up.

hard not being weak with a bloke who wants to control every situation. I used to be quite tough!

wen't to docs but they just wanted me to take pills and till recently was BF so didn't want them - even though they said the pills wouldn't cross into milk, baby had been so very sick I didn't want to risk anything making her sleepy.

OP posts:
JoanHolloway · 15/10/2010 13:14

Oh bloody hell, you've really been through it. If his MIL can be so unfeeling, you can see where he got it from at least!

YANBU.

So sorry for the loss of your mum, it hurts so much I know, it's such early days for your grieving and then all the trauma of your dd's early stage...

Also... it doesn't sound like you dh is a considerate sf to your son, so much wrong here.

Winstons WIsh is a lovely charity for helping bereaved children and has a reading list for age appropriate books that talk about death, might be worth having a look at for your ds1.

atb x

Tootlesmummy · 15/10/2010 13:16

If he makes you that miserable take control and leave him.

ManiDeadi · 15/10/2010 13:16

Hmm, well if it was me I would be telling DH to get the hell out of the house and moving my dad in! Your poor dad has been through a lot too, and surely he needs your support and you need his.

I feel just as sorry for him as I do for you.

Your DH and his family sound like a bunch of twunts.

ManiDeadi · 15/10/2010 13:17

Sorry, just a question, do your DSC's live with you or with their mother?

ComeScareWithMe · 15/10/2010 13:17

I have to keep rereading your OP I can't believe that someone could be such an evil wanker TBH.

Get rid fast OP you are better off wthout him.

Original poster
duckduck · 15/10/2010 13:18

your anger made me smile Doris Dragon... I should take a leaf out of your book and get some balls of my own.

DH is lovely when getting his own way... but isn't that just all men?

have got some good mates, but sometimes the ones closest don't want to say the wrong thing and I don't want to be whining all the time like some kicked dog.

Believe me - if this DH goes out of the window I won't be getting another one!

Oh, and he went to counselling with 1st wife and said it was a waste of money...

OP posts:
pigletmania · 15/10/2010 13:18

Duck Duck, I am Shock go to your dad ignore, the total wanker, why should you take your dsds they should be at their own grandparents house anyway. This relationship sounds wrong, he seems like a controlling twat and is running you into the ground, takig all your self confidence away.

pigletmania · 15/10/2010 13:20

No duckduck that is not all men, certainly not my lovely dh or any others that I know. You are best off being on your own with your dcs

Swipe left for the next trending thread