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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

have been told to pull self together by DH

54 replies

duckduck · 15/10/2010 12:44

I fell PG three months into new relationship, got married when 5 months PG, was burgled, new(ish) DH has 2DDs from previous marriage - he stayed living with them, moved in with me after baby born, went to Afghanistan (voluntary mobilisation) when DS was 8 weeks old for 5 months.

My mum had brain surgery the day DS was born and I was up and out 21 hours after ELCS to see her.

I kept up DSDs access visits when he was away so they could see baby and my DD and DS from previous.

DH came back, I got PG again but MC, then PG and when 17 wks gone my mum got v ill and had 5 episodes of brain surgery whilst I was PG. She was terribly ill, lost ability to walk/talk/feed herself and me and aunty went in to see her every day to help with care & be with her. On xmas day she was alone in ward and Dad was in different hospital with meningitis so I hardly saw the 5 kids at home.

She then had an op which went wrong and resulted in me having to make decision to remove life support for her three days before DD4 was delivered. Had blood tests which involved driving straight from mortuary where I said goodbye to mum and left her a mothers day card, to labour ward for bloods which showed high titre levels for anti-c.

Baby was born with HDN and had complete blood transfusion and platelets at 5 hours. We had "the talk" from the Paeds that night but she pulled through and was on the same machines and antibiotics as my mum had been on the week earlier - same alarm bells/monitors etc.

DD4 was in hosp for 12 days in NICU and was allowed out on the day of my mum's funeral but they gave DD4 last antibiotic at 12 and Mum's funeral was at 1pm, 2 hours away and I missed it.

I got out of hosp and got cab home to empty house with DD4 and when DH and my other 3DKs came home he also went to get DSDs, his mum, his sisters and they all came round and had a "fun" time. I stayed up in my room with head spinning. Now SIL and MIL said my welcome was so frosty and I was so unfriendly that they won't come to see me so I have had to apologise for my "behaviour".....

AIBU to be resentful about this.... AIBU to not be allowed out with my mates to drown sorrows now DD4 is on bottle.... AIBU in that am I feeling too low to stand up for myself and go out anyway and tell MIL to F off? I really miss my mum. I feel really awful at having to make the decision to remove life support.

AIBU to feel really bloody sorry for self and p'd off with DH who is getting annoyed with the "prolonged grieving"... DD4 is now 7 months and is finally getting up to strength.

Ranting, miserable, sorry for self, pitiful old bag that I am just had to get that down...

Oh and my dad isn't particularly welcome round when DH is at home because he is over indulgent with my kids.... and he's pretty lonely now...

SORRY...... realised what a mega long rant that was Blush

OP posts:
booooooooooyhoo · 15/10/2010 13:20

sorry you have been through such a hard time.

i don't think tehre is a time limit for grieving so i don't know how your husband can say 'pull yourself together'. he didn't go through all that. you did.

stand up to him. tell him you will grieve for as long as it takes, youw ill have your father in your home and you will see your friends whenever you like.

pigletmania · 15/10/2010 13:21

My dh is not perfect no one is but he is certainly not like that.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/10/2010 13:21

I am so sorry for the terrible time you've been having. I think it's amazing that you are coping as well as you are, under the circumstances.

I hate to say 'leave him', but honestly can't think of any better advice to give. He is alienating you from your dad and your friends and has no sympathy or kindness for you.

His family sound like utter cunts too. If the house you live in is yours, then I'd change the locks when he goes to work. If not, then I'd move in with my dad. Maybe your dad could stay with you to give support to each other. This situation must be very hard on him too.

Also, I don't think a man can be a good dad if he is an utter bastard to the mother of his babies. Really, I do think you would be so much better off without him. Sorry x

Original poster
duckduck · 15/10/2010 13:22

DSCs live with mother but come to us every week for one day, one comes over every Friday and they both come over every other weekend Friday to Monday and half of all hols. As they get older he wants them here more of the time..

Thank you for Winstons Wish thing JH, I didn't know a thing like that existed, will look as poor kid is v sad and a bit lost. I spend as much time with him as poss but its hard to get balance right.

lovely people you lot, thank you x

OP posts:
ZombieChickensHaveNoMercy · 15/10/2010 13:23

Er, no. It is not 'all men'. It is only fuckwits that behave like this.

ComeScareWithMe · 15/10/2010 13:27

Not all men DuckDuck, my dp can be a tosser but wouldn't behave like that towards me.
I think your post is one of the most awful I have ever read in 4 years on MN :(.

LittlebearH · 15/10/2010 13:27

YANBU

What a shocking time you have had. Talk to your friends,they wont mind a bit.
Go and see your dad and get a cuddle.

You have been through a lot.

DH is being VERY unreasonable.

Original poster
duckduck · 15/10/2010 13:29

I suppose not. DH1 poked his secretary when I was PG with DS1 so maybe Im just not very good at picking men.

Horrid realisation that I think you are all probably right, just the thought of starting again with 4dcs on own/access and all that is exhausting.

He can be lovely, I just don't think he gets why I am sad, he has never really lost anything (apart from 1st wife who ran off with someone)

Don't think he knows how much I miss mum.

Bloody hell...

OP posts:
narmada · 15/10/2010 13:30

God, you poor thing.

I think I would do the following things in the following order - see a good solicitor or citizen's advice if that wasn't an option for financial reasons; put his stuff in bin bags and throw them, and him, out and then, most importantly, change the locks (but on the other hand, if you are joint owners/ tenants that might be a Very Bad Idea. I'm sure someone will be along soon to correct me if this is all wrong-headed!). Why on earth should you leave your own house, that you've lived in since you were 6??

Neither mine, nor any of my friend's husbands or families would dream of behaving like this. You deserve MUCH better.

ComeScareWithMe · 15/10/2010 13:31

Can you imagine treating him in a similar way if it had happened to his Mum?

And I bet he would be long gone if you did.

JoanHolloway · 15/10/2010 13:36

Your gp could probably refer you for some bereavement counselling as well, at least 6 sessions. I think that it depends on how good the counsellor is, or the fit between you and the counsellor, as to how helpful it is, but it could be a space for you to talk about how you feel that is just for you.

If your gp can't access this for you, then Cruse also provides counselling, as well as having a telephone helpline.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/10/2010 13:37

No not all men, not even most men I don't think. My husband would sooner kill himself than behave so dreadfully towards me, or towards anyone for that matter.

If I was you I would kick him out, he doesn't sound like he adds anything positive to your life at all.

Original poster
duckduck · 15/10/2010 13:38

I am absolutely fucked really, aren't I. I thought about not continuing - but I couldn't leave my kids, I adore them and I know how it feels to lose your mum.

Finding it hard to stay strong though - hence posting this...

And you know what, if I boot him out then I've lost everything - and the house I live in was bought by my mum in the 1970s when this district was a dump, now its not and the house prices have gone up and the tax man wants a big old lot of inheritance tax, so Im knackered on that front - DH can get a mortgage to cover it. I can't - I stopped my work when all this happened. So either I sell the house to pay the tax or let DH raise a mortgage and hope things pan out with us...

and of course, I would usually ask my mum what to do...

OP posts:
JoanHolloway · 15/10/2010 13:43

Don't think about the house, or him right now. Think about yourself and your dc.

Phone your gp, and book an appointment. Do it right now!

Just take baby steps.

narmada · 15/10/2010 13:44

If you are feeling suicidal, even just having flitting thoughts about it, please ring the samaritans right now. Please. I am begging you.

Their number is 08457 90 90 90.

gremlins · 15/10/2010 13:44

You poor, poor woman. You have been through several terrible events and you need time to grieve and good support.

Do you have a good girl friend who you can off load to?

I often find when I go through a tough time that I am okay mid tragedy but when everything goes back to 'normal' the sad event hits me like a sledgehammer.

Your DH is being extremely unreasonable and so are your In-laws. Like others have said let your dad be around you, you will both need each other at the moment and he might be able to help you emotionally - and vice versa.

Speak to your GP - you need real help to grieve for the loss of your mother and the fact that you nearly lost your youngest (it doesn't matter if she is okay now - it is still a horrid event to go through).

Have a very un-MN hug from me :)

narmada · 15/10/2010 13:45

joanhollowa is right also, don't think about the house or your husband at the mo. Despite what I said in previous post.

pigletmania · 15/10/2010 13:46

Please dont duckduck you need to contact Cruse for counselling and leave dh, move in with dad till you find somewhere else. Is there a friend you could go to. Better be happy on your own, than unhappy in a bad relationship.

ComeScareWithMe · 15/10/2010 13:49

You can email the samaratins too if you feel you can't talk on the phone and they reply within the day [email protected] .

LittlebearH · 15/10/2010 13:49

Duckduck

You dont need to make any decisions right now. See a councellor and your GP.

You need as much support as poss. Get it free wherever you can.

Original poster
duckduck · 15/10/2010 14:01

thank you. When I did get really low I did call the samaritans - hence still being here. I am not that low now and wouldn't deprive DCs of me - they love me v much, I also couldn't do that to my dad, who has lost both his brother and sister.

I am ok. Its just all very sad, and I feel like the little cloud over my head won't go. And yes, Ive got lovely mates. I suppose I just thought - as DH has kind of said - that people think I should be pulling up socks by now, and so far Ive only got one sock up...

Sometimes I am ok - did a good party for my DD who just turned 5. But I keep having to go into the other room to catch my breath and try not to cry.

Thank you for being so cool though, I really will be ok and have got past the stage where I was working out where to hang the rope in the loft... samaritans were great - If i ever get my head round all this I'd like to be one too..
x

OP posts:
ArmyBarmyMummy · 15/10/2010 14:01

Please, please, please try your G.P again. There are definately choices that don't harm baby when BF and a depressed mum can. Flipping eck if anyone has a right to feeling down...
Don't be too proud to take the tablets. Considering I was a pharmacist for years prior to dd1 I am awful at taking stuff myself -glad I did tho' just begining to see a bit of sunshine thro the muuggy clouds

WitchyFlisspaps · 15/10/2010 14:06

Sorry for all the sad things you've suffered :(

Tell your husband to pull his head out of his arse. Go spend some time with your Dad. And it is ok to cry. You don't need to hide it.

JoanHolloway · 15/10/2010 14:09

It is such early days, grief is so hard and sometimes when you have had a traumatic event happen at the same time it can delay your grief. It takes a really long time to get used to the loss.

Do make an appt to see your gp, to talk about bereavement counselling, it'll take a while to come through. Please do. You'll be able to talk about all the issues, not just the grief and if you need longer they can extend your sessions if necessary. Or, phone Cruse, they have a daytime helpline as well. They're very good.

You're NOT fucked, you're having a really difficult time right now - and so would anybody who had to deal with all that you have recently.

Please use all the resources that are available to you as Littlebear said. You're not going to get it at home, you must seek it from outside.

LittlebearH · 15/10/2010 14:13

Duckduck you dont need to be suicidal to need councelling. Your GP will tell you that too.

I know you say you are ok but just may help having someone nonjudgemental to talk it all through.

Getting it off your chest may help you make decisions or where to start with them.

They may have some good practical advice. Wont do any harm?